I started writing this 5 years ago then forgot about it. Then someone got me a book for Christmas called "Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit?" which was essentially the same as this idea, except for the fact that the author actually finished his book and made lots of money, whereas I didn't. Anyway, thought I'd release it out into the wild, some of it still makes me chuckle.
Accountant
Someone who says he'd like to help you with your financial difficulties, then charges you £50 for the time it took him to say the sentence "I'd like to help you with your financial difficulties".
See also: Antichrist
Adult film
A very poor quality twentieth-generation pirate copy that you can just make out to contain a fat naked German man with an unneccesarily huge moustache who's vocabulary is restricted to the words "Oh ya!". Also an even fatter naked German woman who obviously got all her make-up tips from Dame Barbara Cartland, who's vocabulary is limited to the words "Ya!Ya! Ich liebe deine kleine liebewurst!" (The German woman, not Barbara Cartland)
Algebra
My old maths teacher Mr Roffe once sat next to me for a full hour and tried to force the concept of algebra into my sultana-like brain. Unfortunately Mr Roffe had an extreme case of "teacher's coffee-breath" that day and succeeded in putting me off algebra for life.
See also: Teacher's breath
Ambient music
That highly irritating muzac you find in store lifts and automated phone queues that makes you want to plunge two long dessert spoons into your ears and scoop out both your eardrums. Usually "The Girl From Ipanema" , "Copacabana", or the theme from "The Deer Hunter".
Ankle socks
Usually to be found at market stalls, these three-for-a-pound abominations generally tear the moment you attempt to put them on, then proceed to chemically react with your sweaty feet and instantly dye them a frightening shade of badly-bruised blue.
Antichrist
The epitome of evil, the one fallen angel who has designs on undoing all of God's creation.
See also: Accountant
Art Critics
Highly irritating stuck-up wine-swilling hoity-toity over-privileged c**ts who could look at a blank piece of canvas with a piece of horse-shit smeared across it, and comment on the artist's "exquisite subtle use of natural media that culminates in a maelstrom of fragrant abstractivity".
Automated Phone Switchboards
You have a simple query about your phone bill. You've paid it on time, but you have just received a red letter and you would like to speak to someone about it. You call the number, and a recording of a condescending female voice gives you 5 choices of buttons to press to get through to the relevant department. You press the button and are given another 5 choices. You press again, and are told to wait until you are transferred to the correct dept. The phone rings for five minutes, is picked up by someone passing the small plastic irritating ringing thing in the office, and then promptly put down again.
You swear in disbelief and call the number again, barely noticing the vein in your temple beginning to swell and throb. This time you are informed that lines are busy and to try again later. You slam the phone down, hurting your finger in the process.
A torrent of blasphemous obscenities tumble from your normally serene mouth. You formulate a sarcastic, cutting speech to give to the operator when you finally get through. You wait ten minutes and pick the phone up again. It's dead. You've been cut off due to none-payment.
You look up the address of the phone company and begin filling milk-bottles with petrol......
Appraisal
Something you go through every six months or so at work that has the word "praise" in it but very rarely contains any.
Architects
Never attempt the dangerous practise of holding a conversation with an architect. The resultant boredom-factor may lead you to enter the incurable medical condition known as "Yawnus Infinitus", a rare involuntary non-stop yawn that can last anything from a few minutes up to several years. A similarly debilitating condition can be brought on by watching old episodes of "Terry And June"
See also: Seventies Sitcoms
Arctic roll
A frozen ice-cream-filled cake that looks good on the packet but invariably ends up in the bin because it was so rock-hard it bent your spoon and dislodged two fillings.
Astrology
The highly-skilled art of talking and writing complete bollocks, wearing ridiculous cerise bat-winged shiny shirts, and never laughing or even smirking at the word "Uranus".
B
Babies
Small, smelly, noisy people who do nothing all day except crap, eat, puke and scream, wake you up at 4am, and then expect you to go all gooey just because they decide to give you a smile which is probably just wind anyway.
Bagpipes
The ugliest instrument in the world, resembling a small recently-deceased tartan octopus and sounding like the high-pitched shriek of a man who has just woken up during his circumcision operation.
Bank Managers
Slimy, smugly superior complete and utter bastards that would have you believe they like nothing better than to say "Yes", but in reality prefer to say things like "I think not, wretched peasant. Now begone from this place, for your very poorness offends me."
See also: Reptiles
Bassoon
The most boring musical instrument in the world. Usually played by social misfits with national-health spectacles and acne that still hasn't cleared up by the age of thirty. No bassoonist has ever had sex. It's medically-impossible and also illegal.
Boy Band
As a result of the Boy Band phenomenon, the Cambridge English Dictionary has been forced to change the definition of the word "band" from "A body of musicians" to "A body of fake-tanned young men with capped teeth, gyroscopic hip-joints, and the musical and songwriting aptitude of an African Dung-Beetle".
British Beach
Unlike the soft, powdery pure white sands of the Caribbean, the typical British beach consists of 20% nasty yellow-brown sand, 15% nasty yellow-brown dog-shit, 35% razor-sharp pebbles, 5% used condoms, 5% used syringes, and 20% flaked-off skin from severely-burned Liverpudlian tourists.
Bible-Bashers (Jehovah's Witnesses)
Sad, misguided people who were probably bullied at school, who in one breath inform you that God's love is all-forgiving, and in the next breath tell you that if you don't go to church, then their all-forgiving Lord will make sure that you spend an eternity in Hell with regular fire and brimstone enemas coupled with trident suppositories.
Biddys, Old
Wrinkly, evil old women with a penchant for Lavender who have had their life and now want to spoil it for the rest of us by not letting you pass them in the street, scaring you with their blue rinses and huge white falsies, and severely injuring your ankles with their lethal tartan shopping trolleys.
Bric-A-Brac sales
Glorified jumble-sales where rich old men and women with absolutely no concept of the value of money attempt to sell you an old piss-pot with a cracked handle for £400.
Budgerigar
Undoubtedly the most stupid, gullible, and completely useless animal in the world, the budgerigar can be easily fooled into thinking that it's really popular with other budgies by simply dotting a few mirrors about its cage.
Brogues
Desperately unfashionable raw-hide uncomfortable none-bending shoes that your Mother would buy and force you to wear to school despite your tearful protests that all the kids would laugh and point and call you "Brogue-Boy".
Brownies
Junior Girl-Guides club that prepares its members for the harsh realities of the world by giving them awards for such things like "Advanced Cup-Cake Making" and "Annoying Old-Folk's Home Residents By Singing At Them"
Bull-Fighters (Matadors)
Those fearless, valiant and courageous young men who risk their very lives by bravely shoving huge sharp swords into bewildered doped-up male cows.
See also: Tossers
Bullworker
An exercise device that is supposed to develop the pectoral muscles which pale, flabby men normally use for the five minutes it takes before they trap their rubbery nipples in it.
C
Calligraphy
The art of writing like a ponce.
Camping
The practise of sleeping in the middle of a cow-shit infested field in a none-waterproof tent and waking up the next morning with a sore neck, a cold, and a centipede attempting to set up home in your left ear.
Capsicum Seed
The thing that Indian chefs hide in your curry so that you accidentally bite straight into it and release the most evil-tasting flavour since you ate your own poo when you were three.
Cabby
A person who spends his entire life talking over his left shoulder and imparting such solid gold droplets of wisdom as "Good old Enoch had the right idea", "Hanging's the only solution to graffiti", and "All those feminists really want is a f**king good shagging, mate"
Cockneys
Tradition dictates that to be a true Cockney you must be be born within earshot of the Bow Bell. Though how they can hear the bell over the noise of congested traffic, ‘Knees Up Mother Brown' and people saying "Gawd bless the Queen Mother" is quite beyond me.
Crisp Packet Rustlers
Usually found in the seat directly behind yours in the local cinema, the ‘Crisp Packet Rustler' also doubles as a ‘Drinking Straw Slurper' and an ‘Open-Mouthed Popcorn Chomper'. These people are generally regarded as some of the most irritating scumbags in the universe, beaten only in terms of finely-honed annoyance- skills by the dreaded ‘ "He Dies In The End" Plot Ruiner'.
Canvassers. (Double Glazing)
Greasy-haired acne-riddled teenagers in badly-pressed cheapo shiny suits who's job is to entice you into a "free no-obligation quote" from a "surveyor who just happens to be in the area". The "surveyor" being a high-pressure salesman with a drink-problem and a degree in smarminess who, once inside your house, will chain himself to your radiator and refuse to leave until you agree to sign your life savings away or threaten to stab him to death, whichever comes first.
Contortionists
Strange, sad people with unusually bendy joints who think it's big and also clever to climb into small perspex boxes and stare at their own ringpieces. Contortionists should be forced by the government to put their "skills" to good use and become human ‘S-Bend Toilet-Cleaners'
Courting
The quaintly old-fashioned term used by grandmothers when snidely pointing out the fact that you don't have a prospective partner yet. eg: "Still not courting yet? You want to be careful or you'll end up sad and lonely". Yeah. Thanks Gran.
Credit Reference Agencies
Companies that have on record the time that you were two days late in paying off a loan in 1986, and then gleefully grass you up to the manager of Dixons just when you're on the point of convincing him to let you have a washing machine on HP.
Creosote
Foul-smelling, highly poisonous corrosive tar-like chemical compound that people have the inexplicable urge to slap onto their garden fences in huge quantities as soon as the sun comes out.
D
Dancer, Professional
The biggest show-off in the cosmos. This complete and utter twat delights in humiliating you at the local discotheque by storming onto the dancefloor with incredibly impressive and complex dance-moves, thereby giving your pathetic shufflings the appearance of the uncomfortable movements made by an OAP with a full colostomy-bag.
Delegation
Posh term for the act of giving someone else a job that you simply can't be arsed to do yourself. eg: "Put the kettle on, dear. I simply can't be arsed, therefore I delegate".
Demonic Possession
Severe cases of demonic possession have been known to cause the victim to speak in tongues, blaspheme profusely, vomit green slime, float three feet off the bed and rotate their heads 360 degrees.
See also: PMT
Dentists
Direct descendants of medieval torture-experts. Dentists delight in packing your mouth with cotton wool and metal sucking instruments, plunging enormous needles into your sensitive gums and then drilling holes in your teeth, all whilst asking you where you're going on holiday this year.
Depilatory Wax
First developed in 1223, this hair-removal substance was originally intended as an instrument of torture during the Spanish Inquisition. After enduring weeks of thumbscrews, burning and whipping without succumbing, the sight of the depilatory wax jar being slowly unscrewed was usually enough to secure a confession from even the bravest prisoner.
