Anne Investigates - Beauty Products

ANNE:Hello! I'm Anne and the BBC have asked me to do investigations into modern life and stuff. I lost the brief but I think I know the sort of thing they want. So here it is, my first Anne-vestigation (BEAT) or investigatiAnne, I haven't really decided which one I like best.

GRAMS: Childish cheap Casio keyboard type theme tune

VOICE OVER: Anne Investigates.

ANNE: (Heavy reverb) Beauty Products.

ANNE: I don't actually use many beauty products myself. I prefer the natural look so I just cleanse, tone, moisturise, use a bit of self tanning lotion, spot concealer if necessary, a light foundation, some mascara, a tiny bit of eye-liner, sometimes a dab of powder or blusher and a bit of lippy. But we've all seen the adverts, haven't we? These days, products all seem to need some wonder ingredient. It's as if nobody will buy their product unless it contains pro-vitamin B6 lipopolysaccharide micro granule precursor complexes. Sometimes I wonder if all these things are real or are they just talking complete boswellox? I went to the beauty counter at the local department store to find out.

ATMOS: SHOP NOISES

ANNE: Oi, you. What does this stuff do?

SHOP ASSISTANT:This is our best-selling anti-ageing cream. It contains Cerumalide, which is a sophisticated protein derivative that helps tighten the underlying skin structure and reduce wrinkles.

ANNE: Cerumalide? Sounds like some sort of disease. If I use it, I won't end up having kids with little arms and legs will I?

SHOP ASSISTANT:What? Of course not!

ANNE: And what's this stuff?

SHOP ASSISTANT:Ah, that's our new range of quick-drying nail varnish with lycra for extra flexibility so it doesn't chip or crack so easily.

ANNE: What's the lycra for? To make it stretchy so that it also fits women with fat fingers?

SHOP ASSISTANT:No, I just said. It's to make it...

ANNE: Thanks. You can go away now.

ATMOS ENDS

ANNE: So there we have it. Some of these things work, some of them don't. Some of these stupid ingredients are real things while some of them still sound like rubbish. Don't forget you can download podcasts of my investigations for free – (SOUNDS SMUG) Hardly a celebrity price tag. Next week I will be investigating online gambling. Bye!

GRAMS: Childish cheap Casio keyboard type theme tune

Sorry, I wasn't keen on this at all. It's very wordy and yet says nothing much at all. "Cosmetics are a bit of a scam" - fair enough, do we need you to spell it out for us?

You've written way better than this, so I'm assuming this sketch is just a glitch. Maybe you're planning on developing this Anne character for other sketches, I don't know. Maybe you're writing to a brief. If it's either of those things you need to put some more work in.

PS. Now that new avatar of yours - that's some funny stuff!

Yeah, you're right - it's shit. I quite liked the idea of the character but she turned out to be a bit crap. Oh well. Another one for the junk pile.

What if she was some sort of well spoken Kate Silverton/Fiona Bruce presenter who with a straight face gave detailed advice on things like why one sort of anusol cream is better than another.

Or some celebrity WAG advising on the best lubricants for sodomy and how best to cover up those black eyes.

You've written better, it's not a bad idea, but it's to long and fizzles out.

How about making her that 11 year old beauty queen, played by an actual child?

That could be funny.

Er, I quite liked this. I agree it could be funnier, but I enjoyed the character's tone.

Cheers. Like I said, I quite liked the idea of the character but I'm not sure it really works. I might find a use for her elsewhere. Here's another one of her investigations I've been pootling round with but still doesn't feel quite right.

ANNE: Hello! Anne here with another Anne-vestigation.

GRAMS: Childish cheap Casio keyboard type theme tune

VOICE OVER: Anne Investigates.

ANNE: (Heavy reverb) High Definition Televisions.

ANNE: My dad has just bought himself one of those new HD TVs to go with his home cinema, so I decided to investigate and find out how it works. Unfortunately he took the screwdriver off me before I could investigate it properly so instead I went to the shop where he bought it to find out more.

ATMOS: SHOP NOISES

ANNE: Oi, you. Tell me how this works.

SHOP ASSISTANT:Certainly, madam. You select your TV channel here or choose your SCART or HDMI input for your DVD player, satellite dish or whatever.

ANNE: No, I mean how does the picture get on there? How does HD TV work? I'm trying to investigate here. Please be more useful.

SHOP ASSISTANTh, right. The signal from the television broadcasts or DVDs and so on tells the TV set where to send electricity to the screen to make little coloured dots appear that make up the picture.

ANNE: And that's what makes it high definition?

SHOP ASSISTANT:Well sort of. It just uses a greater number of smaller little coloured dots.

ANNE: So you need smaller electricity to send to the screen? Does that mean people need to get their houses rewired to receive HD TV?

SHOP ASSISTANT:No, it runs on normal electricity…

ANNE: You weren't much help. You can go away now.

ATMOS ENDS

ANNE: So there we have it, another little modern mystery solved. HD TV is exactly the same as normal television but with a better picture. Don't forget, you can visit my int-Anne-et site or d-Anne-load my Anne-vestigations as a podc-Anne-st. (BEAT) I mean podcast, that doesn't sound quite right. Next week I will be investigating online gambling. Bye!

If you could make her even more stupidly aggressive it might work better.

The 'smaller electricity' stuff is interesting. It might be cool to have these customer assistants get tired of her and start stringing her along so everyone can see she's an arse except her.