Ask-A-Scientist: Clouds

FX: PHONE RINGING THEN BEING PICKED UP

PROFESSOR: Hello, Ask-A-Scientist, Professor Stephens speaking

CALLER: HELLO! Yes, I want to know how clouds work.

PROFESSOR: Ah, right. Water from the seas or rivers and so on evaporates in the heat from the sun and goes up into the…

CALLER: (INTERRUPTING) Evaporates? Like evaporated milk?

PROFESSOR: Not really, the water goes up into the air where it is cooler so it condenses slightly to form clouds.

CALLER: But how does the water float?

PROFESSOR: It's actually really tiny droplets which…

CALLER: (INTERRUPTING) Because the water in my bath doesn't float.

PROFESSOR: That's a large mass of water, but quite a good analogy, the steam from your bath is like the sea water evaporating and becoming clouds then when it turns into water again on your windows and mirror is like rain which is formed when…

CALLER: (INTERRUPTING) But what about evaporated milk? Is that why clouds are white?

PROFESSOR: No, it's nothing to do with milk. Rain is water in clouds which has…

CALLER: (INTERRUPTING) So how do the cows get up there?

PROFESSOR: What?

CALLER: Do they just send the milk up there to evaporate or is it something to do with all the methane in cows making them float?

PROFESSOR: Methane is actually heavier than air so no.

CALLER: But then they'd also have to float the milkmaids up there to milk them. I suppose they fill the milkmaids with helium or something?

PROFESSOR: Floating milkmaids…?

CALLER: Only I met this milkmaid once and she had a really squeaky voice.

PROFESSOR: (GETTING IRRITATED) No. They don't fill milkmaids with helium, not least because it would almost certainly be a breach of their human rights. In fact, most dairies nowadays use milking machines instead.

CALLER: So what, they put the machines on a plane and fly them up to milk the cloud cows?

PROFESSOR: (EXASPERATED) There's no such thing as cloud cows!

CALLER: But cows lie down in the rain, surely that must have something to do with it?

PROFESSOR: (DEFINITELY IRRITATED NOW) Look! Clouds are made of water. The water goes up into the sky, turns into clouds then comes back down later as rain. There's no milk involved, no cloud cows, no milking machines on aeroplanes and definitely no such thing as helium-filled milkmaids. Understand?

CALLER: (SUBDUED) Yes.

PROFESSOR: Good.

CALLER: So why do they carry milk around in floats then?

FX: PHONE BEING PUT DOWN

Very good, I like this.

I appreciated the last 'milk float' line, but I wondered whether this could be improved by a whole new question instead. Can't think of any off hand (no help I know, but I'm sure you can)but I think that another 'silly question' would be a better ending.

Ace. You sending this anywhere?

That really made me laugh.

I've been wondering why it's called a milk float ever since that Father Ted episode.

Cheers guys.

I'm not sure about changing the ending, I guess I was thinking of this as a possible runner, with the same person phoning up to ask more stupid questions and misunderstand the answers.

I haven't thought of anywhere to send this off yet. It might fit in another series of Recorded For Training Purposes or Play & Record but I'll need another couple to go with it first.

If you want to know what really stupid people sound like on the phone, I recommend this.

Cloud cows indeed. Very good.

I'll have a look at that link when I get home Graham, I don't have real player at work. Cheers.

Perhaps he could ask if storms provide milkshakes and which cow udders give you the different flavours?

Not bad. Maybe squeeze another gag in about condensed milk, when the scientist is going on about the water condensing.

Liked this. Clever V Thicko is always a winner. Nice, well-paced dialogue. Well done. Plus haven't 118 118 just launched an "Ask us anything" scheme? Could be topical.

Wasn't so keen on the last line though. But I enjoyed the rest!