FRANK
Greg I need some emergency annual leave, please pretty please.
GREG
What for?
FRANK
Erm my sister died, she was at Duddley Zoo, and one of the monkeys got her, pealed her like a banana.
GREG
That's the fifth sibling you've lost. 2 brothers torn apart by jackals at Duddley Zoo, one sister trodden on by an elephant, and one hit by an apple thrown viciously by a Marmoset.
FRANK
It's a very dangerous zoo, I've written to the Prime Minister, and Jimmy Saville.
GREG
Loo k son, it's a tragedy to lose 5 siblings, especially, if you're a bloody single child.
GLORIA
Frank, you are a most appalling liar, you know every time you lie Satan get's to kick an Angel in the fundament.
FRANK
But Greg, it's really important.
GREG
Oh bloody aye I bet it is, like when you bunked off to watch Indiana Jones IV.
FRANK
It was a religious festival for us geeks.
GLORIA
Worshipping false Gods, oh Frank I'll pray for you. You're going to spend eternity and a day in Lucifer's septic tank of flames. May be if I pray hard enough you'll get the afternoon off.
GREG
Thank you Gloria, and you bunked the day off after as well you cheeky get.
FRANK
I had to send George Lucas photocopies of my bum, with threatening messages written on them. Did you see how crap that film was?
GLORIA
Well in fairness Greg it was terrible, that scene with the monkeys.
GREG
Ruddy well shut up about Indiana Jones, no my son your doing some modelling for me. I spent a grand on these costumes and we're going to have some lovely photos. Unless you've got any more dead imaginary siblings.
FRANK
No Greg, sorry where are we doing the photos?
GREG
I'm not sure son, I'm not very arty.
FRANK
I've got an idea.
AT THE WOODS SHEILA, THRUNG, AND ASSORTED OTHER TYPES DRESSED AS WIZARDS, ELVES AND SO ON ARE HANGING AROUND.
THRUNG
So how long have you been into MORPG?
SHEILA
Oh my boyfriend got me into it, I was always into Tolkien stuff and...
THRUNG
Ah yes Frank.
SHEILA
I never told you his name.
A PORTLY MAN IN WHAT MUST BE A VERY EXPENSIVE REPLICA OF DUN GEON MASTER'S COSTUME STEPS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE GROUP.
HE IS THE DUNGEON MASTER
DUNGEON
Good morning fellow warriors of fantasy I am Brian the Dungeon Master. Welcome to Balrog Con 2008.
ONE OF THE PARTICIPANTS SHRIEKS IN FEAR.
Bullies!
WE SEE A SCRAGGLY GROUP, OF ROUGH TEENAGE LOOKING NERDS, ON BMXs ON A HILL NEARBY. THEY HAVE ATTACK OF THE CLONES TSHIRTS, AND DJ YODA TSHIRTS.
DUNGEON
It's even worse they're comprehensive school nerds.
SHEILA
I don't get it this is my first convention surely they're just fellow nerds like us?
THRUNG
Oh poor sweet Sheila, they're nerds twisted, and warped in the bullying atmosphere of a state school. Twisted like Saruman's orcs, they live in a world where owning a book is a death sentence.
SHEILA
Surely not.
THRUNG
Well alright maybe not death, but you might get a really nasty dead leg or, called gay.
THE OTHER GAMERS ARE PANICKING AND SNAPPING AT DUNGEON, THE COMP NERDS STARE ON IN CONTEMPT.
GAMER1
You're the dungeon master do something.
GAMER2
Tell ‘em to clear off.
GAMER3
Cast a spell on them.
GAMER2
It's all make believe Darren you dick.
GAMER3
I'm keeping in character, you don't take this seriously or me.
GAMER 3 STARTS TO CRY.
THRUNG
I'll go and talk to them.
THRUNG STRIDES OUT, THE OTHER GAMERS SPREAD OUT AND BANG THEIR POLYSTIRENE WEAPONS THEIR SHIELDS.
GAMER1
Ooh he's so brave.
SHEILA
He is kinda cool, and I thought I met the only cool gamer.
THRUNGMARR APPROACHES THE COMP NERDS.
COMP NERD1
What do you want, bit early for Halloween?
THRUNG
I want some mercenaries, how'd you like to make £50.
COMPNERD2
A Jedi does not seek material gain.
THRUNG
And a Black Pearl Magic Card.
COMPNERD1
Now you're talking our language, what's the mission.
COMPNERD3
Excellent we're gonna be bounty hunters for Jabba the Hutt.
THRUNG
Here's you mission. Disappear till 3pm that's when the game kicks off. Then reign terror on their nerdy asses, but not the girl.
COMPNERD1
Wow there's a girl! A real girl, has she got.
COMPNERD3 CLIPS HIM ROUND THE HEAD.
COMPNERD3
Shut it Nigel, you're making us look lame. We're mercenaries like Bobba Fett.
COMPNERD2
You are so lame Nigel.
THRUNG.
Now at 4,30 precisely thrown a tennis ball at the red eye in the centre of her chest, and you may receive the ultimate treasure.
COMPNERD2
A signed copy of Dungeons and Dragons IV?
THRUNG
Greater booty, you will get to see her bra.
COMP NERD1
Truly a treasure worthy of Indiana Jones.
THRUNG
Now disappear till 3pm.
THEY RIDE OFF ON THEIR BMX's
THRUNG (TO HIMSELF)
So Frank the circle is come around, and I will have my vengeance.
A CROWDED STREET WE CAN SEE CROWDS AND HERE FRANK AND GREG TALKING
FRANK
So why are we taking the train to our photo shoot in the woods?
GREG
Because it's good for the environment, and besides have you seen how expensive petrol is these days.
FRANK
Ok, but why did we have to put the costumes on before we left.
GREG
Free advertising, it's called viral advertising saw it on the telly last night. Besides my costumes right comfortable.
FRANK
You may be my boss Greg, but at times you worry me.
GREG
How's that son?
WE NOW SEE THEM GREG IS IN A SILKY DRESS WITH A BLOND WIG, AND BIG FAKE BOOBS. FRANK IS IN A GORILLA COSTUME WITH A HUGE FAKE PENIS.
FRANK
King Dong, and Fay Ray, with all the Lord of the Rings stuff, these costumes have a real Peter Jackson theme.
ANOTHER SCENE A GROUP OF FEIRSOME SHORT HAIRED WOMEN IN DMs ETC ARE PROTESTING OUTSIDE A CLINIC.
WOMAN1
We Angry Lesbians against everything, are protesting against testing Viagra on monkeys.
WOMAN2
Yeh and nobody had better take the piss.
WOMAN1
All jokes are a form of rape.
WOMAN2
Especially funny ones.
WOMAN3
There are no funny ones.
GREG AND FRANK TURN THE CORNER.
WOMAN1
I warned you, look it's some phallo-centric clown rapists.
WOMAN2
They rape clowns?
WOMAN1
We've been through this before they're clowns who rape people, like Bernard Manning.
WOMAN2
I thought it was Bernadette Manning and she was a woman?
WOMAN3
Quiet sisters, get ‘em!
THEY CHARGE.
GREG
Told you this viral advertising would work, good thing I bought some fliers.
FRANK
They're not customers, by the power of Gay skull they're militant lesbians run!
