I was doing some housekeeping and I came across this old effort. It is intended as a film insert, and is much longer than a normal sketch.
1. INT. THE IMPOSING ATRIUM OF A CITY OFFICE
THE RECEPTIONIST, MOLLY TYLER IS SAT BEHIND HER DESK. THE LIFT OPENS AND MARTIN PHILMORE, A MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSMAN STEPS OUT. HE STRIDES ACROSS THE ATRIUM.
PHILMORE
Goodnight Molly.
MOLLY
Goodnight Mr. Philmore.
BEFORE HE REACHES THE DOOR HE SLIPS, AND, IN SLOW MOTION CARTWHEELS SPECTACULARLY THROUGH THE AIR. STILL IN SLOW MOTION WE SEE HIS HEAD CRACK ON THE TERRAZZO FLOOR. THE SCENES CLOSES ON A STILL SHOT OF HIS HEAD LYING IN A SMALL POOL OF BLOOD.
2. INT. SAME.
TWO AMBULANCEMEN ARE STANDING WITH PHILMORE'S BODY ON A STRETCHER, A SHEET COVERING THE HEAD. MOLLY IS DABBING AT HER EYES WITH A HANDKERCHIEF. WITH HER ARE TWO POLICEMEN, A DETECTIVE INSPECTOR AND A DETECTIVE SERGEANT. LURKING IN THE BACKGROUND IS HODGKINS, A JANITOR. HE IS WEARING A GREASY OVERALL, AND IS CARRYING A MOP AND BUCKET.
INSPECTOR
And you say he just seemed to trip, Miss Tyler?
MOLLY
Yes. It was awful.
HE NODS TO THE AMBULANCEMEN TO TAKE THE BODY AWAY, AND WITH A HALF TURN OF THE HEAD CALLS TO THE JANITOR.
INSPECTOR
Okay Hodgkins, you can clean this up now.
HODGKINS SHUFFLES OVER, AND SQUATS DOWN TO WIPE UP THE BLOOD STAIN.
MOLLY
It's such a terrible accident.
HODGKINS RUNS HIS FINGER OVER THE FLOOR AND HOLDS IT UP IN FRONT OF HIM.
HODGKINS
An accident? I don't think so. This floor is wet.
THE SERGEANT'S EYES SWIVEL, SCANNING THE ATRIUM.
SERGEANT
...And there are no signs!
THE INSPECTOR TURNS SHARPLY ON THE SERGEANT AS IF TO SAY 'DO YOU REALISE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, MAN?' MOLLY'S HANDS FLY UP TO HER MOUTH IN HORROR. CLOSE UP OF HODGKINS, LOOKING THOUGHTFUL AND TOUGH.
ONTO THIS LAST SHOT SUPERIMPOSE THE TITLE, IN A SUITABLY DYNAMIC GRAPHIC: "HODGKINS: POLICE JANITOR".
3. INT. POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM.
THE INSPECTOR IS SAT WITH THE SERGEANT. FACING THEM IS PHILMORE'S WIDOW, KATIE. IT IS VERY DARK. STOOD ON THE TABLE BETWEEN THEM, HODGKINS IS CHANGING THE LIGHTBULB IN THE CEILING FITTING.
INSPECTOR
Mrs. Philmore... Hodgkins will you be much longer?
HODGKINS
Shan’t be a mo; these old bayonet fittings can be tricky.
KATIE LOOKS UP, INTERESTED.
INSPECTOR
Mrs. Philmore, can you think of anyone who would want to kill your husband?
KATIE
No, Martin was a wonderful man. He hadn't an enemy in the world.
INSPECTOR
Not even in his business? A client, maybe, who thought he'd been cheated?
KATIE
Inspector, my husband was the most ethical of men.
SERGEANT
An employee then? Someone he'd fired?
KATIE
Hardly. At work they all thought the world of him.
HODGKINS (ONLY HIS TROUSER LEGS IN SHOT)
And how about at home?
THE INSPECTOR GLANCES UP AT HIM, IRRITATED BY THE INTERRUPTION, BUT WE SENSE THAT HODGKINS IS ONTO SOMETHING.
HODGKINS (STILL ONLY HIS TROUSER LEGS IN SHOT)
Had your husband upset anyone there? A daily help, maybe?
KATIE
Certainly not. I do all the housework. I wouldn't dream of letting anyone else touch my home.
CLOSE UP THE LIGHT BULB COMING ON IN HODGKINS HAND. SLIGHT BUT SIGNIFICANT PAUSE.
HODGKINS
So you would know how to clean a floor, for instance?
THE INSPECTOR LEANS FORWARD OVER THE DESK.
INSPECTOR
Tell me, where were you yesterday afternoon, Mrs. Philmore?
4. INT. POLICE SQUAD ROOM.
ABOVE THE WAIST ONLY SHOT OF THE INSPECTOR AND THE SERGEANT STANDING BY THE COFFEE MACHINE, HOLDING CUPS.
SERGEANT
We found a bucket and mop at the house so we know she had the means...
INSPECTOR
And she didn't have an alibi, so she could have had the opportunity.
SERGEANT
Yes, but could she have got into the building and cleaned the floor?
INSPECTOR
I don't see why not? She would have had the perfect disguise. After all, who's going to notice a cleaner?
SOUND, NOT ENTIRELY UNLIKE KNUCKLES BEING STOOD ON.
INSPECTOR
Oh, sorry Hodgkins.
CLOSE UP OF HODGKINS ON ALL FOURS WHERE HE HAS BEEN WIPING UP A SPILL ON THE FLOOR AT THEIR FEET. HE IS CLUTCHING HIS HAND, OBVIOUSLY IN SOME DISTRESS.
INSPECTOR
Now we just need to establish a motive.
5. INT. THE PHILMORES' ELEGANT LIVING ROOM.
CLOSE UP OF KATIE IN A VERY SLINKY BLACK EVENING DRESS, FILLING TWO GLASSES FROM A DECANTER. THE SHOT OPENS UP AS SHE HANDS ONE TO HODGKINS, STILL WEARING HIS GREASY OVERALL.
KATIE
Thank you for calling, Mr. Hodgkins.
HODGKINS RUNS A HAND OVER THE MAHOGANY TABLETOP.
HODGKINS
A wonderful finish. Do you use pledge?
KATIE
Beeswax. I do it every day.
HODGKINS
You certainly keep the place spotless.
KATIE
Thank you. But the house is really too big to look after on my own.
HODGKINS (SHREWDLY)
And that's why you asked me to come here?
SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM COYLY.
KATIE
I saw the police station. It just gleamed.
HODGKINS
You said you wouldn't let anyone else touch the house.
SHE MOVES CLOSER, LAYING HER HAND ON HIS ARM.
KATIE
A daily, no. But a man, a real man, who could handle a plunger and rod my pipes; a man who really knows what a feather duster is for... That could be different.
HODGKINS
Being a police janitor is a 24 hour job.
SHE MOVES CLOSER STILL, UNTIL THEIR BODIES ARE ALMOST TOUCHING.
KATIE
I would make it worth your while...
CLOSE UP OF THEIR FEET. KATIE'S SLINKY BLACK EVENING DRESS SLIDES DOWN AROUND HER ANKLES. A MOMENT OR SO LATER HODGKINS' GREASY OVERALL SLIDES DOWN AROUND HIS.
6. INT. THE PHILMORE'S KITCHEN.
KATIE IS AT THE SINK, WEARING A HOUSECOAT, BEDROOM SLIPPERS, AND MARIGOLD GLOVES. SHE IS HANDWASHING SOME CLOTHES. HODGKINS ENTERS WEARING A STRING VEST AND BOXER SHORTS. SHE SMILES UP AT HIM.
KATIE
I thought your overall looked like it could do with a wash.
SHE PUCKERS UP HER MOUTH TO BE KISSED. HODGKINS JUST STANDS THERE, LOOKING SERIOUS.
HODGKINS
I know why you did it, Katie. I know why you murdered your husband. I found this in the bathroom.
BETWEEN THUMB AND FOREFINGER HE HOLDS UP THE TOP OFF OF A TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE. KATIE LOOKS AGHAST.
HODGKINS
Behind the washbasin pedestal, with all that gunk in the crack where the pipes come up.
KATIE WINCES.
HODGKINS
Martin never put the top back on the toothpaste, did he? How many times did you tell him about it, Katie? A hundred? A thousand? And still he wouldn't do it. So, in the end, when you just couldn't take it anymore, you killed him.
KATIE LOOKS UP AT HIM, TEARFUL YET DEFIANT.
KATIE
It wasn't just the toothpaste. The man was a monster. When we...
OVERCOME BY EMOTION SHE IS FINDING IT DIFFICULT TO SPEAK.
KATIE
....when he made love to me, he...he...he would never fold his clothes up properly.
HODGKINS PUTS A HAND ON HER SHOULDER.
HODGKINS
But Katie, murder?
SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM, SUDDENLY DEFIANT AGAIN. SNATCHING UP A BOTTLE OF CLEANING FLUID, SHE SQUIRTS IT IN HIS EYE, AND TRIES TO MAKE A BOLT FOR THE DOOR INTO THE LIVING ROOM. HODGKINS STARTS TO GIVE CHASE, AND SHE SNATCHES UP A SQUEEZE MOP BY THE DOOR. SHE POINTS IT AT HIM, THE JAWS OF THE MOP OPENING AND CLOSING MENACINGLY. HE BACKS OFF AND SPOTTING A BROOM, MAKES A GRAB FOR IT. SHE TURNS AND RUNS THROUGH THE DOOR. HE FOLLOWS AFTER.
7. INT. THE PHILMORE'S LIVING ROOM.
HODGKINS AND KATIE STAND FACING ONE ANOTHER, SHE STILL CLUTCHING HER SQUEEZE MOP, HE HIS BROOM.
HODGKINS
Give yourself up, Katie!
KATIE
Did I tell you about the cigarette ends? Do you want to know what he did with the cigarette ends? He stubbed them out in the pot plants!
HE WINCES, FEELING HER PAIN. AND SHE STRIKES AT HIM WITH HER MOP. THEY FIGHT USING THEIR INSTRUMENTS AS QUARTERSTAFFS. AND THEN SHE HAS HIM AT A DISADVANTAGE, PUSHING DOWN ON HIM, THEIR BODIES PRESSING TOGETHER. A BRIEF BUT VERY MEANINGFUL LOOK IS EXCHANGED, AND THEN WITH A DEFT FLICK OF HIS BROOM, HE FREES HIMSELF, KNOCKING HER OFF BALANCE. FLAILING, HER MOP CATCHES THE SILVER TRAY WITH THE DECANTERS, AND SENDS IT FLYING. WE WATCH AS, IN SLOW MOTION, THE TRAY CRASHES TO THE FLOOR, THE DECANTERS SHATTERING. KATIE'S HANDS GO UP TO HER MOUTH IN HORROR AS SHE REALISES WHAT SHE HAS DONE.
HODGKINS
It's no good, Katie...
HE PUTS AN ARM ABOUT HER SHOULDER.
HODGKINS
...You'll never get the stain out of the carpet.
SHE PUTS HER FACE IN HER HANDS AND SOBS.
8. EXT. THE PHILMORE'S FRONT GARDEN.
THE SERGEANT IS LEADING KATIE AWAY TO A WAITING PANDA CAR. HODGKINS, WHO IS BUTTONING ON HIS OVERALL, IS STANDING WITH THE INSPECTOR. AS SHE IS ABOUT TO GET INTO THE CAR, KATIE TURNS TO HIM.
KATIE
We could have been good together.
HODGKINS
It would never have worked.
SHE GETS INTO THE CAR.
HODGKINS
It wasn't me she was interested in.
INSPECTOR
No?
HODGKINS ADJUSTS HIS OVERALL.
HODGKINS
It was the uniform.
END.