Three blokes in a transit.

Judge me please! Like I need to invite you...

It's a radio sketch at the moment, and this is my first critiquing, so be as harsh as you want, I won't mind.

Oh, beware. I have little to know idea how to structure this, so things in ** are sounds.

*ENGINE SOUND, AS IF A VAN IS BEING DRIVEN.*

MIKE:
*SNORING*

JOHN:
Wake up!

MIKE:
Oh, come on! It's been a long day, and I'm tired.

JOHN:
But... you're driving!

MIKE:
I'm still in control.

JOHN:
Your feet are on the dash board!

MIKE:
Yes, and the brick is on the accelarator, I can't see the problem here!

KERIAN:
OWWWW. My head!

JOHN:
It's your fault! Just keep lying down in the back on the van and rest.

KERIAN:
You're right. It's my fault. I've got to stop drinking. No - wait. I've got to KEEP drinking.

*DRINKING SOUNDS*

JOHN:
No! That's oil!

KERIAN:
Oh. Still, it has a kind of, minty taste...

*THUMP*

MIKE:
Great! Now he's fainted.

JOHN:
(Sarcastically) And you seem so concerned.

MIKE:
Well, yeah. I'm going to be the one up all night with him.

JOHN:
No, I will. I've been through all the toxic substances with him. The hairspray. The embalming fluid. The swarfega incident of '05.

MIKE:
How is he anyway?

JOHN:
Being sick. Well, not really being sick. It's like he's leaking from the mouth.

MIKE:
I'm pulling over.

JOHN:
You suddenly care?

MIKE:
No, I'm hungry. There's a burger bar up there.

JOHN:
I wouldn't if I were you, this road is famous for being the only place with burgers that can give you clamidia.

MIKE:
I like danger.

*SQUEEKING OF TIRES. ENGINE STOPS*

MIKE:
Okay. I'll get the burgers. You tend to the moron back there.

JOHN:
He's not a 'moron'. He's just... special.

MIKE:
A special kinda crazy. What is with him and drinking stuff bound to get him unconcious?

JOHN:
I think it's depression.

MIKE:
He lives in England. If he can't deal with depression, he shouldn't be here.

*SOUND OF DOOR OPENING, THEN SLAMMING SHUT*

JOHN:
Okay, let's just climb into the back...

*SQUEEKING OF LEATHER*

JOHN:
Kerian? You alright? Yes of course he's alright, that's why he's foaming the mouth.

KERIAN:
*MOANS*

JOHN:
Now I'm covered in digested oil. Great. If only Mum could see me now. Knowing that cow it might very well turn her on.

KERIAN:
What?

JOHN:
(Shock)AH! Oh, you're awake.

KERIAN:
I think so. Or I'm dead. Either way, I'm hungry.

JOHN:
Mike's gone to get us some burgers. With extra STDs.

KERIAN:
Yuck. I hate all that posh crap.

Good so far?

Had a quick read thru, will give you proper feedback when I'm more awake.

This bit:

JOHN:
Being sick. Well, not really being sick. It's like he's leaking from the mouth.

MIKE:
I'm pulling over.

I thought a gag leapt out here:

JOHN:
Being sick. Well, not really being sick. It's like he's leaking oil from the mouth.

MIKE:
Blown a head gasket, eh? I'm pulling over.

Is this an extract from a longer piece btw? It has some really witty parts but it doesn't seem to know where it's ending yet.

Kind of an extract. I'm trying to write a pilot, but I seem to trail off sometimes, if that makes any sense.

Good gag. I may nick it, if that's alright?

Treenifer, You want to write yourself a plot and stick to it.

Don't ask to nick a joke, just change some of the words . lol.

Oh. Ok. I'm a bit new to all this (surprise). Ignore me if I do something stupid.
I'll do a plot. I just need some inspiration.

Just look to Our Lord Jesus Christ (Superstar).

Treen, if you want the gag, use it. No probs.

You'll find most people here will chip in with a few ideas, now and then, that the writers will cherry-pick and end up using.

Leevil is right tho. All writers want to start getting their ideas down immediately. Personally, I wouldn't start writing until I have characters and plots settled. Brainstorm ideas for dialogue arising from the plot, then start the first (of many) writes and rewrites. You have a good ear for dialogue, give it a strong platform and direction and it'll be fantastic.

I wouldn't worry about not being funny. That was a really good sketch. Flowed nicely and had lots of jokes. Now write more!

I echo ShoePie in that there's no need to worry about you're not being funny, plus the flow and jokes are good. But as you've said yourself, it's an excerpt (a good excerpt) from a longer piece. Excerpts from sitcoms have more freedom, a sketch is a different beast.

Where do you see this going? Is it a sitcom, a one-off or undecided as yet?

Yeah I think it has a lot of potential, I quite liked it so it shouldn’t be to hard.

Oh and on the formating of the sound effects, I found it easy to read which is a good thing at the end of the day, but when it comes to using a sound effect just put SFX. in front of the actual sound you plan to use.

Hi Treenifer

It's good. You can obviously write comedy quite well anyway. Most writing is re-writing anyway

Sounds like you've got the characters in your head anyway. Avoid making them too similar to start with. Make them different enough to easily start a conflict and that way you'll get some plot ideas.

Here's how I write a plot. Get an idea for a story in 3-5 lines. Write them down (I use Notepad). Expand this to 10-15 lines. Now, you've got one line per scene (woohoo!). Expand each of these so you have 10-15 scenes and then work on each of them one at a time. Easy

Make sure you have a plot (and probably a sub-plot) and that they're both resolved by the end.

Just my way of working. Hope it helps.

Dan

I would echo Shoepie's advice - keep on writing. Rewrite, take advice, always show it to people for critical imput but, to quote Billy Crystal in 'Throw Momma From the Train', " A writer writes. Always."
Oh, and I like the sketch -reminds me of Bottom, which I love!

http://fredpeters.podbean.com/

I liked this sketch because although it didn't have any laugh out loud moments it instantly takes you into the scene and keeps your interest. The dialogue was very good. It would work well as a comedy drama for radio i think, and i mean in a Skins sought of way not a Cold Feet sort of way (i.e it would be funny and dramactic rather than dramactic and not funny). Its needs some female characters in there I think as well.

I think you should change some lines, e.g. even at their lowest point I don't think anyone has ever made a joke about turning their mother on, i would give that line to John.

Plot is important but it doesn't have to be complicated, they could be trying to go from A to B or a party etc. But make it work for the characters instead of trying to make the characters fit the plot.

I too liked it. Leaped to the joke straightaway. It did give the impression of an excerpt from a sitcom rather than a sketch.

"reminds me of Bottom, which I love!"

You've just made my day. Rik Mayal is my idol.

I'll try to develop the characters more. I'm expanding them slowly via little sketches purely in my head. I can tell that they are really similar at the moment.

Thanks for all the positive critism! I really appreciate it!