A radio sketch. Starts off strong, then goes to Hell:
GAS
[(D) means the voice will be telephone-distorted.]
F/XELECTRONIC DIAL TONE, RINGING, THEN PHONE BEING PICKED UP.
ATMOSCALL CENTRE BACKGROUND BABBLE.
MAN:
(D) Hello, is that the Northern Gas power helpline?
HELPLINER:
Yes sir, how can I help?
MAN:
(D) Yeah, now, I got your gas coming in to the house, for the heating and cooking and all that, right?
HELPLINER:
Yes sir.
MAN:
(D) Now, I’ve just had the kitchen decorated, magnolia accented with Winchester red trims, so I’d like to change gas please.
HELPLINER:
You’d like to…
MAN:
(D) Yeah, the gas I got at the moment, it’s blue, you know, a blue flame, which was brilliant when the kitchen was yellow and navy, really added to the vibrancy, but of course now it’s clashing horribly. Do you have any red gas? I think red gas, I mean, it’s a warmer colour than blue anyway, isn’t it?
HELPLINER:
It is a warmer colour sir. I can’t disagree with that.
MAN:
(D) So I’d like red gas, unless you think something softer, more pinkish? Can you do that?
HELPLINER:
Are you on a cordless phone sir?
MAN:
(D) I am.
HELPLINER:
Right. I’m just adjusting your settings now. Could you go to the oven, sir, switch on the gas and pop your head in and take a look?
MAN:
(D) Yeah, one moment.
F/XWALKING, SWITCHING ON GAS, OPENING OVEN DOOR, ALL PHONE-DISTORTED.
HELPLINER:
What can you see?
MAN:
(D) Well, I can hear the gas, but I can’t see it.
HELPLINER:
That’s the interim gas, sir, keep your head in there and you’ll see the red gas coming through momentarily, sir.
MAN:
(D) I’m not… ooh, my head’s a bit… I’m not seeing it. Oh, wait… I’m seeing a light. A beautiful, shining light. There’s… there’s someone beckoning me.
HELPLINER:
Head for the light, sir.
MAN:
(D) Oh dear me, no, that light’s the wrong colour. It’s all yellowy. I’m not having that. Oh wait, I see red flames. Perfect.
HELPLINER
Sir, are you there sir? Sir?
SKETCH ENDS.