And, because you didn't demand it, the rest . . .
SCENE 10. INT. PUB – DAY 3
KEITH AND TRACE ARE IN THE EMPTY PUB. KEITH IS CROUCHED BEHIND THE BAR. WE OCCASIONALLY SEE HIS HANDS, PICKING UP GLASSES AND SO ON.
TRACE:
(SHOUTING) Come on, boys. You'll be late. (TO KEITH) They'll be late, you know. How's your back after the match?
KEITH:
Still sore.
TRACE:
And your knee?
KEITH:
Not too bad.
TRACE:
And your nose?
KEITH STANDS UP. HE'S GOT A PLASTER ON HIS NOSE. AND HE'S WEARING AN OLD ARSENAL SHIRT THAT'S TOO SMALL FOR HIM. IT'S PROBABLY GOT A SEGA DREAMCAST SPONSOR LOGO ON IT.
KEITH:
Still hurting, thanks. It was an accident, you know. You didn't have to hit me back.
TRACE:
Yeah, well. (BEAT) You're going to have to knock the football on the head, you know.
KEITH:
I know, I want to. I'm knackered, But I can't let Brian and the lads down. Where else are they going to get a goalie like me? I mean it's like when Seaman was…
TRACE:
(CUTS ACROSS) You're obsessed with football, that's your trouble.
KEITH:
I am NOT obsessed with football. (SHOUTS UPSTAIRS) Thierry! Henry! Come on, you'll be late.
TRACE:
You're just going to have to tell him.
KEITH:
I know. I know.
TWIN BOYS APPEAR, AGED ABOUT SIX, IN SCHOOL UNIFORM.
KEITH PULLS ON COAT.
KEITH:
Come on. Let's go to school.
CUT TO:
SCENE 11. EXT. SCHOOL CAR PARK – DAY 3.
MR CHAPMAN AND ROB ARE STANDING OUTSIDE SCHOOL.
CHAPMAN:
We've dealt with our . . . outstanding issue, have we?
ROB:
Yes, I don't think we'll be having any trouble on that score today.
CHAPMAN:
And the sign looks marvelous. A lovely touch. Excellent idea.
SHOT REVEALS A SIGN OVER THE ENTRANCE MADE UP OF INDIVIDUAL LETTERS PAINTED BY CHILDREN:
OFSTED: WELCOME TO
HUBERT WATSON!
CHAPMAN LEAVES.
MISS FAY WALKS OVER TO ROB.
MISS FAY:
The sign looks lovely. How did you stick the letters up?
THIS IS ROB'S PERFECT MOMENT. HE PULLS OUT A GLUE STICK.
ROB:
With this. Just got a ladder, and …
MISS FAY:
Ooh, do you think that's strong enough?
ROB:
(DERISIVELY) Yessss. It's only up there for a few hours. (BEAT) Oh God. No.
A WOMAN, LOOKING LIKE A NETTO PAMELA ANDERSON WALKS UP THE PATH. A SHAVEN-HEADED SIX-YEAR-OLD BOY IS WITH HER.
THE BOY RUNS OFF, PUSHING OVER A PUPIL'S GRANDMOTHER.
ROB IS ASHEN-FACED.
ROB:
Brooklyn Paver-Smith. Brilliant.
BROOKLYN'S MUM ARRIVES.
ROB:
Didn't you get my note about the training day, Miss Paver?
MUM:
I ain't seen no note. Brookie, did you have a note for me?
BROOKLYN HAS A BIGGER BOY IN A HEADLOCK. HE SHAKES HIS HEAD.
MUM:
Anyway, I've got to go to work.
ROB:
But it's a training day. You can't…
KEITH ARRIVES WITH THIERRY AND HENRY.
KEITH:
What's going on?
MUM:
He says it's a training day.
KEITH:
Oh, cheers, Rob, I mean Mr Marshall, you might have said. Come on, lads.
KEITH TURNS AROUND, TAKES KIDS AWAY. A NEARBY MOTHER DOES THE SAME, FACE LIKE THUNDER.
ROB:
But . . .
MUM:
Anyway, not my problem if you can't send a simple note home. I'm off to work.
ROB:
But …
MUM:
What, you think tassels twirl all on their own, do you? Bye, Brookie!
SHE WALKS OFF. IN THE DISTANCE, WE CLEARLY SEE KEITH TELLING ANOTHER PARENT IT'S A TRAINING DAY. THEY ALL WALK OFF. NOW IT'S A CHAIN REACTION.
THE SCHOOL BELL RINGS. CHILDREN DISAPPEAR.
MR CHAPMAN RUSHES BACK, BUSTLING PAST ROB.
CHAPMAN:
They're here!
A BLACK CAR PULLS INTO THE CAR PARK. THREE INSPECTORS GET OUT, TWO MEN, ONE WOMAN. THEY LOOK LIKE US SECRET SERVICE OFFICERS, ALL BLACK SUITS AND RAY-BANS.
THEY BARELY ACKNOWLEDGE MR CHAPMAN AS THEY ALL WALK INTO THE SCHOOL ENTRANCE.
CUT TO:
SCENE 12. EXT. SCHOOL ENTRANCE - DAY 3
SLOW ZOOM ON ROB'S SIGN. A SLIGHT BREEZE IS TUGGING AT THE SECOND ‘E' IN ‘WELCOME!'
CUT TO:
SCENE 13. INT. SCHOOL. ROB'S CLASSROOM – DAY 3
ROB IS SITTING AT HIS DESK. THERE ARE LOTS OF EMPTY SEATS, AS ONLY TEN PUPILS HAVE TURNED UP, INCLUDING BROOKLYN.
THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN. IT'S THE SCHOOL SECRETARY.
SECRETARY:
They're coming!
SHE RACES OFF.
ROB THINKS QUICKLY.
ROB:
Right! Let's play hide and seek. Brooklyn, you can hide. Everyone else, close your eyes and count to twenty. One, two …
THE CHILDREN DO AS THEY ARE TOLD. ROB BECKONS BROOKLYN OVER.
HE OPENS THE CUPBOARD UNDER HIS DESK AND SHOVES BROOKLYN INSIDE. HE CLOSES THE DOOR.
CUT TO:
SCENE 14. INT. SCHOOL. CORRIDOR – DAY 3
MR CHAPMAN IS GUIDING THE INSPECTORS.
CHAPMAN:
… whole child is an important part of our ethos. But academic excellence is paramount at Hubert Watson. Here's Year One.
HE OPENS THE DOOR INTO ROB'S CLASS. WE SEE FROM THE P.O.V. OF THE INSPECTORS A LARGELY EMPTY CLASS.
ROB:
(WITH CHILDREN) Eighteen – Nineteen – Twenty.
ROB LOOKS UP AT INSPECTORS.
Good! Now, let's try it backwards. Twenty – Nineteen …
THE CHILDREN JOIN IN.
ROB WALKS OVER TO CHAPMAN AND THE INSPECTORS.
INSPECTOR #1:
This is a very small class.
ROB:
Er, chicken pox. A lot are off with chicken pox.
CHAPMAN LOOKS BAFFLED.
INSPECTOR #1:
What? Just this class?
ROB:
Yes. Er … quarantine!
INSPECTOR #1:
What?
ROB:
Mr Chapman has brought in a very effective quarantine procedure. It's like Porton Down in here.
CHAPMAN NODS.
INSPECTOR #2 MAKES APPROVING NOTE ON CLIPBOARD.
INSPECTOR #1:
Well, we won't keep you. Goodbye.
INSPECTORS AND CHAPMAN LEAVE. CHAPMAN THROWS A LOOK OVER HIS SHOULDER AT ROB. ROB SHRUGS HELPLESSLY.
HE RUSHES BACK TO HIS DESK AND OPENS THE CUPBOARD DOOR.
ROB:
Out you come.
BROOKLYN HAS VANISHED.
CUT TO:
SCENE 15. INT. PUB. BAR – DAY 3
KEITH IS BEHIND BAR. TRACE IS OCCASIONALLY VISIBLE IN THE BACK ROOM. IT'S NOT VERY BUSY.
BRIAN ENTERS.
KEITH:
All right, Bri. What you having?
BRIAN:
Can't stop. Just a lemonade. I'm driving.
KEITH:
I see Rob Marshall's gone a bit mad. Forgot to tell us the kids were supposed to be off today.
BRIAN:
Oh, he'll be worrying about that inspection thing. Hang on, wasn't that today?
CUTAWAY TO:
SCENE 16. INT. SCHOOL. CORRIDOR – DAY 3
CHAPMAN AND INSPECTORS WALK ALONG. THEY PASS A CABINET.
BROOKLYN STEPS OUT BEHIND THEM. HE HAS A WATER BOMB.
HE GOES TO THROW IT, BUT ROB DIVES ATHLETICALLY IN FRONT. ROB TAKES THE BOMB FULL IN THE FACE.
CHAPMAN AND THE INSPECTORS WALK ON, OBLIVIOUS.
CUT BACK TO:
SCENE 17. INT. PUB. BAR – DAY 3
KEITH:
Nah, can't be. It's a training day. (BEAT) So what were you after?
BRIAN:
Just checking everything's all right. You know me.
KEITH LOOKS AT BRIAN SUSPICIOUSLY
KEITH:
What do you mean?
BRIAN:
Well, you know. You've picked up a lot of injuries lately. I was just worried things might be too much for you now, with the team.
KEITH:
(AFTER A BRIEF AGONY OF INDECISION) No! No! I'm fit as a flea. Raring to go. Why . . . do you think I should give up?
BRIAN:
No! No! Best goalie we've ever had. (LOOKS AT WATCH) Oh, got to get moving. I won't bother with that lemonade, thanks, (SHOUTS) See you, Trace. (BACK TO KEITH) See you at the meeting tonight.
BRIAN LEAVES.
TRACE WALKS OUT OF THE BACK ROOM.
TRACE:
Pillock.
CUT TO:
SCENE 18. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE PUB – DAY 3
BRIAN IS IN HIS VAN. THE SIGN ON THE SIDE READS CLEAN SHEET PAINTING & DECORATING. Prop. BRIAN PRESCOTT.
BRIAN REPEATEDLY BANGS HIS HEAD ON THE STEERING WHEEL.
BRIAN:
Pillock. Ow! Pillock. Ow! Pillock. Ow!
CUT TO:
SCENE 19. INT. SCHOOL. CORRIDOR – DAY 3
ROB AND THE CARETAKER ARE CROUCHING BEHIND A CUPBOARD. THE CARETAKER IS HOLDING A PIECE OF ROPE.
CARETAKER:
Do you think this'll work?
ROB:
I don't know. I'll try anything. If they find Brooklyn before we do, it's game over.
CARETAKER:
He's only six. Are you sure about this?
ROB:
Look, this is OFSTED. This is war. We can't afford to be nicey-nicey.
CAMERA TRACKS BACK TO REVEAL A BOWL OF SWEETS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CORRIDOR, AND A TRAIL OF SWEETS LEADING TO IT.
BROOKLYN APPEARS. HE PICKS UP THE TRAIL OF SWEETS, LOOKS AROUND, THEN GOES FOR THE BOWL.
ROB:
Now!
THE CARETAKER LETS GO OF THE ROPE.
WE SEE IT GOES THROUGH A MAKESHIFT PULLEY AND IS ATTACHED TO AN UPTURNED PLASTIC LAUNDRY BASKET. THE BASKET FALLS.
CLOSE-UP ON ROB'S FACE IN TRIUMPH.
ROB:
Yessss! Mouse Trap!
CUT TO:
SCENE 19. INT. SCHOOL. CORRIDOR – DAY 3
ROB AND THE OTHER TEACHERS ARE WATCHING THE INSPECTORS LEAVE. CHAPMAN IS SHOWING THEM OUT.
MISS FAY:
And Brooklyn thinks it was all a great game?
ROB:
Yep. No child protection orders coming my way.
MISS FAY:
I can't believe you pulled it off.
ROB:
(ONLY HALF-JOKING) I think I might be some sort of genius.
CUT TO:
SCENE 20. INT. PUB. BACK ROOM – NIGHT 3.
THE TEAM IS HAVING ITS POST-WEEKEND MEETING.
BRIAN:
… So I know it was 3-4, but on the bright side a much better performance from everyone, three cracking goals from the boy Jordan, and I don't think we can blame Keith for three of the goals.
LAZY TREV:
(UNDER HIS BREATH) No, blame him for all four.
JORDAN:
Yeah, well, I still say we should get rid.
SILENCE. KEITH IS IN THE ROOM. HE LOOKS UP.
JORDAN:
He's the worst goalie in the league (BEAT) And the fattest. (BEAT) And he smells. No offence, Keith, but you're shit at everything.
RUMBLING OF DISCONTENT IN THE ROOM.
JORDAN:
And you're even worse, Bri, cos you won't chuck him out. What? Scared you'll have to find somewhere else to have these stupid meetings?
BRIAN STANDS UP.
BRIAN:
Now you listen here, Jordan. I won't have you talking about a team-mate like that. He may not be as fast as he was, but he's solid gold.
JORDAN:
Moves like it too.
BRIAN:
Hey, and it's not just because of the financial support he gives. Keith Bradshaw is the heart of this team.
LAZY TREV:
(TO KEV) Stomach, more like.
BRIAN:
And you know what? If you don't like it, you can sling it. Cos I'd rather be a loser with Keith, than a winner with you.
KEITH STANDS UP, TOUCHED.
KEITH:
Oh, Brian.
BRIAN:
Yeah, well, I mean it. Every word.
KEITH:
No. I can't let you do it. I'm not the player I was. And Jordan may be a poisonous little twonk, but he scores goals. No, I'm leaving. I've made my mind up. But as long as I'm landlord of this pub, I'll support this team.
SPONTANEOUS APPLAUSE. BRIAN AND KEITH SHARE BRIEF, MANLY HUG. TEAM SURROUNDS KEITH.
BRIAN GOES INTO HUDDLE WITH JORDAN.
BRIAN:
Thanks for that.
JORDAN:
Bit close, weren't it?
BRIAN:
I know. I thought he was never going to stand up. You know I didn't mean it, don't you?
JORDAN:
Whatever.
BRIAN:
So, you seeing my Steph tonight?
JORDAN:
Don't be stupid. She's one of my Thursday girls. You've got to have a system, haven't you? (SHAKES HIS HEAD INCREDULOUSLY)
BRIAN:
Righto.
CUT TO:
SCENE 21. INT. PUB. BAR – NIGHT 3
ROB AND KEV SIT AT SAME TABLE AS IN SCENE ONE. SIMILAR BEER SITUATION, WITH ROB'S PINT FAR ADVANCED. ROB HAS AN A4 BOOK IN FRONT OF HIM.
KEV:
So, how'd that OFSTED thing go? It was today, wasn't it?
ROB:
Mm. It went well . . .
KEV:
Oh, good.
ROB:
And then it went a bit pear-shaped.
MIX AWAY TO:
SCENE 22. EXT. SCHOOL ENTRANCE – DAY 3
THE INSPECTORS ARE LEAVING, ALL SMILES. CHAPMAN STANDS AT ENTRANCE.
CHAPMAN:
Oh, you've dropped your pen.
HE RUSHES TO PICK IT UP. THE INSPECTORS TURN AROUND TO RETRIEVE IT. THEIR FACES BLACKEN.
ONE SNATCHES THE PEN OUT OF HIS HAND. HE WRITES SOMETHING FURIOUSLY ON HIS CLIPBOARD, THEN THEY GO ON TO THEIR CAR.
CHAPMAN TURNS ROUND SLOWLY.
THE WIND HAS WREAKED ITS WORST ON ROB'S HAND-MADE SIGN.
INSTEAD OF SAYING:
OFSTED: WELCOME TO
HUBERT WATSON PRIMARY
IT NOW READS:
OFSTED:
U R TWATS
WE SEE ROB BEAMING AWAY INSIDE.
CUT BACK TO:
SCENE 23. INT. PUB. BAR – NIGHT 3
ROB:
Still, the head's given me an opportunity to gain valuable experience.
HE PICKS UP THE BOOK. THE TITLE IS ‘HOW TO TEACH YEAR TWO CLASSES'.
END OF EPISODE.
