Sitcom Sample - Sunday Sunday

I think I might have written the first few scenes of a sitcom. I'd be grateful for your feedback.

It's about a Sunday league pub football team.

SCENE 1. INT. PUB - NIGHT

ROB AND KEV, BOTH IN THEIR TWENTIES, ARE SITTING AT TABLE. ROB, A COUPLE OF YEARS YOUNGER, IS CONSIDERABLY FURTHER DOWN HIS PINT THAN KEV.

ROB LOOKS AT THE TIME ON HIS MOBILE.

ROB:
Where are they? I can’t hang around tonight.

KEV:
Never mind. Go on.

ROB EXPLAINS. THE SWEARS ARE BLEEPED OUT.

ROB:
Right, so then he picks up his chair and he chucks it at the window. Then he comes over to me, grabs me by the throat and he goes, "And you can stick your BLEEP paintbrush up your BLEEP BLEEP, you BLEEP-munching BLEEP BLEEP of a BLEEP."

ROB TAKES A SWIG.

KEV:
(WHISTLES) What age do you teach again?

ROB:
Year One. Fives and sixes.

KEV:
So what did you do?

ROB:
Only thing I could do (BEAT) Told him to stand in the ‘calm down’ corner. Said if he did it again, his star would go down on the behaviour chart.

KEV:
Harsh.

ROB:
(CAN’T TELL HE’S BEING MOCKED) I don’t know, he used the F-word, the H-word, the C-word (BEAT) They all do. Anyway, I’ve had enough of school this week. If I hear one more word about school tonight, I’ll do my nut. (DRAINS PINT) Fancy another while we’re waiting?

KEV:
Oh yes! Can I have a large whisky?

ROB LOOKS DEEP INTO WALLET

ROB:
Yeesssss. (STANDS UP) What sort?

KEV:
Teachers.

ROB GIVES KEV A HARD STARE, THEN LOOKS AROUND AT THE BAR.

ROB:
Where is Keith, anyway?

KEV:
He’s gone out with the smokers.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL ROB AND KEV ARE IN A VIRTUALLY DESERTED BAR.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2. EXT. PUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT

IT'S POURING DOWN. AROUND THIRTY SMOKERS, INCLUDING KEITH, PAUNCHY, IN HIS LATE THIRTIES, ARE ATTEMPTING TO HUDDLE UNDER A TINY, UMBRELLA-SIZED SHELTER.

CUT TO:

SCENE 3. INT. PUB - NIGHT

ROB:
Some barman he is. Trace’ll go spare. I’ll go and get him.

ROB LEAVES KEV ON HIS OWN

KEV:
The H-word?

CUT TO:

SCENE 4. EXT. PUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT

WIDE SHOT. ROB LEAVES PUB, FINDS KEITH, THEN GOES BACK INSIDE. KEITH SHEEPISHLY FOLLOWS HIM.

CUT TO:

SCENE 5. INT. PUB. BACK ROOM - NIGHT

TEAM ARE TOGETHER, CROWDED INTO ROOM, ALL WITH PINTS, EXCEPT FOR KEITH, WHO'S SERVING BEHIND THE BAR. WE CAN SEE HIM OCCASIONALLY THROUGH THE DOOR BEHIND BRIAN.

BRIAN, THE TEAM MANAGER (EARLY FIFTIES, BALDING) IS ATTEMPTING TO CALL THE MEETING TO ORDER.

ROB:
Look, Bri, can we get on? I’ve got to get away early tonight.

BRIAN:
(AFFRONTED) Right. (PAUSE, THEN MENACINGLY) So, got something important to do, have we? The team’s not a priority for you, then? As long as you’re alright, the team can just shoot itself in the head, can it? Is that what you’re saying? Because that’s what it sounds like to me.

EVERYONE IS QUIET, ENJOYING THE SCENE, INCLUDING KEV.

ROB:
(CONTRITELY) No, it’s just we’ve got OFSTED coming next week. The inspectors, y’know. I’ve got work to do.

BRIAN:
We’ve ALL got work to do, Robert. Well apart from Lazy Trev.

TREV:
I’m NOT lazy, I’ve got ME.

BRIAN:
There’s no ME in team, Trevor.

TREV:
(UNDER BREATH) There bloody is.

BRIAN:
So the meeting will take as long as it takes. Now, the first item, kit rotas. I think the fairest…

JORDAN STANDS UP. JORDAN COMBINES THE BRILLIANCE OF RONALDO WITH THE LOOKS OF RONALDO AND THE ARROGANCE OF RONALDO.

JORDAN:
No. The first thing we need to talk about is getting rid of that fat git.

WE SEE KEITH THROUGH THE DOOR. HE'S NOT SERVING ANYONE, BUT IS WORKING HIS WAY THROUGH A JUMBO-SIZED BAG OF CHEESE & ONION CRISPS.

BRIAN:
Now, Jordan, we’ve been through this …

JORDAN:
Blah, blah, blah. Brian, he’s the worst goalie in the league. He’s so fat, it’s a wonder any ball gets past him, but they all do. We’re three-nil down before we kick off. And then it’s up to me to pull you lot out of the ...

BRIAN:
Jordan, we’ve…

JORDAN:
(HOLDS PALM IN FRONT OF FACE) Blah. Blah. Blah. … up to me to save you all. Which I do.

HE LOOKS AROUND, DEFYING ANYONE TO DISAGREE. THERE’S A GENERAL ATMOSPHERE OF GRUDGING AGREEMENT.

JORDAN:
(CONTINUES) I’m telling you now. If you don’t kick Fat Porky the Fatso out of the team, I’m walking.

BRIAN:
(WHEEDLING) But Jordan, as I think I’ve pointed out, we’re a pub team. We have our meetings here. This pub sponsors us…

JORDAN:
Yeah, yeah.

BRIAN:
…and it’s Keith’s pub.

JORDAN:
Don’t care.

WHILE BRIAN IS TALKING, WE CAN SEE KEITH BEHIND HIM. HE’S AT THE END OF HIS BAG OF CRISPS AND IS TIPPING IT UP INTO HIS MOUTH.

BRIAN:
(PATERNALLY) Look, Jordan, I know Keith’s not as trim as he was. That’s middle-age. It comes to us all.

KEITH OPENS SECOND BAG OF CRISPS. STARTS SHOVELLING THEM IN.

BRIAN:
(CONTINUING) But let me tell you this. Keith Bradshaw is dedicated to this team. He takes care of himself …

KEITH IS POLISHING A GLASS.

BRIAN:
(CONTINUING) And, yes, he’s not as spry as he used to be. But he’s still got those magic reflexes. You don’t lose talent like that overnight.

SATISFIED, KEITH TOSSES THE GLASS INTO THE AIR LIKE TOM CRUISE IN COCKTAIL. HIS HAND DARTS OUT TO CATCH IT, BUT HE MISSES, PUNCHING TRACE, HIS COMMON-LAW WIFE, IN THE JAW. THE GLASS SMASHES.

BRIAN TURNS AROUND, DEFEATED, THEN TURNS BACK TO JORDAN. HE SHRUGS.

BRIAN:
(PLEADING) It's his pub.

JORDAN:
He goes or I do. End of.

JORDAN CLICKS FINGERS AND TWO BEAUTIFUL WOMEN (CLASSIC WAGS) APPEAR FROM BEHIND HIM. ONE IS IN A VERY DISTINCTIVE AND SEXY RED DRESS.

THEY LINK JORDAN, AND ALL THREE WALK OUT INTO THE BAR.

KEITH WALKS IN, NURSING A BLEEDING NOSE.

BRIAN:
Sit down. (PAUSE) Right. Kit rotas…

CUT TO:

Certainly one of the better efforts on here, Graham. Seems to be going in the right direction.

I think football sitcoms are by and large hard to pull off. Mike Bassett wasn't very good, the guy who used to do the lottery was in a bad one, and there's one coming up about a cup.

But if the characters are engaging enough, there's conflict and the action on the park is limited (it's always hard doing genuine football action) you could be onto something.

I knew you were pining to do a sitcom really...

I enjoyed this. Some good gags that had me wrong footed (we'll pass over the Teachers whiskey one).

It has a bit of a sketch feel to it, but that is no bad thing in my book. Worth running with this and seeing how it develops.

Quote: Timbo @ July 8 2008, 11:45 PM BST

I knew you were pining to do a sitcom really...

View original

I genuinely wasn't.

Thanks for the feedback, chaps. The thing about Critique is bridging the gap between what I think is funny, and what is actually funny.

I like this. Like David said though, football action in TV/films is nearly always terrible (apart from the great Renford Rejects) so I would steer clear of too much of that if possible.

I liked the "there's no ME in team" joke, very good.

Good stuff, funny nice characters, but could be a bit more naturalistic

I was going to steer completely clear of showing any action. Football in TV/films is terrible, unless it's Sylvester Stallone, in which case it's hilarious.

I enjoyed this, and I know writing sitcoms is bloody hard, so well done.

I think that this extract shows a considerabel degree of promise - it's fun and fairly gentle, but not dumb either. there are one or two demons that require gazzumping, but that will probably come with re-writes.

I found with my latest extract, posted today, that taking on board constructive crit can be highly beneficial. In this script, you might want to ensure that actual footie is never shown - it always, looks terrible and completely unrealisitc.

I liked this so far. Like everyone is saying, it reads like a first draft, but the first draft is the hard bit. Once you've got the structure and characters in place that's when you can footle around, tightening scenes and adding more jokes.

I liked the ME joke, but I wonder if the whole lazy/ME thing is a bit played out.

I loved the smokers cutaway.

I'd maybe add another "it's his pub" after BRIAN TURNS AROUND, DEFEATED, THEN TURNS BACK TO JORDAN. Just to reiterate why Keith is tolerated.

Good work. Carry on!

Thanks for your time, everyone.

James: I've added the "It's his pub" as you suggested. I know what you mean about the lazy/ME thing, but I'm planning on a running theme of Lazy Trev's continual attempts to hang on to his Incapacity Benefit. This episode it's ME, next time it might be carpal tunnel syndrome, or repetitive strain injury.

How about Sunday ruddy Sunday as a title.

Why am I thinking of Alan Partridge?

Because I to am a creation of comedic genius?

That'll be it.