Sister To Lunch Sketch

Here's something I've been working on. The dialogue needs a bit of polishing at the minute, but that's work in progress for you.

Int. Kitchen

James is sat a table reading the paper. Lucy is cutting some vegetables up.

James: Is your sister still coming round for dinner?

Lucy: Yep. And she's bringing a man!

James: She's finally got a boyfriend?

Lucy: And he says he knows you.

James: What's his name?

Lucy: Tom Fleet?

James: Jesus Christ!

Lucy: D'you know him?

James: Yeah. I was at primary school with him.

Lucy: What was he like?

James: A little dickhead. He used to run round pretending to be a spitfire all the time.

Lucy: I'm sure he doesn't do it anymore.

James: He better bloody not.

CUT TO: Int. Hallway

A doorbell rings. James opens the door and Sandra (Lucy's sister) enters.

James: Hey Sandra! You alright?

Sandra: I'm fine thanks.

James: Where's your new man?

Sandra: He's just parking the car. Here he comes.

Tom runs through the front door with his arms outstretched like wings and making plane noises. James sighs.

CUT TO: Int. Dining Room.

James, Lucy and Sandra are sat at a table 'post-dinner'.

Lucy: Well I'm going to vote for whoever sorts out immigration.

Sandra: I don't think they'll ever sort it out.

James: The problem is that they need to-

Tom comes running into the room and round the table impersonating a plane. He then 'flies' out the room.

James: Does he have to keep doing that?

Lucy: Let him be.

Sandra: Don't you like him?

James: He keeps interrupting me and-

Tom 'flies' in the room again and up to James.

Tom: GERMAN! (MAKES MACHINE GUN NOISE) GERMAN! (MAKES MACHINE GUN NOISE)

Tom flies out.

James: You see!

Sandra: He's only having a bit of fun.

Lucy: Yes, James. (FIRMLY) Let him be.

Sandra: Anyway, about immigration.

Sandra and Lucy begin chatting. Tom 'flies' back in and keeps circling the table. Sandra and Lucy take no notice, but James becomes increasingly agitated.

James: You're 32 for God's sake!

Tom carries on flying. James stands up. He goes to hit Tom a couple of times, but keeps missing. Then he holds on to an imaginary machine gun. He starts 'shooting' at Tom. Tom begins flying round the room in a haphazard fashion.

Tom: Parachute! Parachute! It's stuck!

Tom nosedives to a heap on the floor. James smiles smugly. Sandra runs over to Tom.

Sandra: You've killed him.

James: He was being a dick.

Lucy: You're just a big bully.

Sandra: Yeah, why don't you grow up?!

James: Me grow up?! You must be joking!

James storms out of the room.

Lucy: Where are you going?!

James: Out!

Lucy and Sandra look at each other. A strange bouncing noise starts up. Lucy and Sandra look out of the patio doors and see James angrily bouncing on a spacehopper.

ENDS

Made me laugh

It's a good solid idea, but

1 Lose that whole intro, I think it's better if the Spitfire thing is a surprise.

2 Don't have him try and hit him.

3 End on his death, maybe the police arrive.

It's good, but could be punchier.

I agree with Sooty over point 2. The rest of it I like though.

Made me laugh too, the spacehopper is good.

Yep, Sooty's points are valid. I'd cut the intro as it reveals too much beforehand. Better to catch viewers off-guard. And possibly cut out earlier. Either on the death, or have James storm out, leaving Tom running around the house, and then cut to James on the spacehopper (perhaps trying to drink a pint in the pub?).

Some good points raised. Thanks.

The ending is a little cluttered. I think the spacehopper bit is a repetition of the machine gun bit i.e. James acting childish. I could lose the machine gun bit and have James storm out saying he's off to find some grownups. Cut To: James and his mates in the pub, all on spacehoppers.

I could cut the intro too actually. Just start with them entering the house. James doesn't need to have been friends with Tom at school either.

Good work people!

I've done a rewrite:

Int. Hallway

A doorbell rings. Lucy opens the door and Sandra enters.

Lucy: Sandra! I'm so glad you could make it!

Sandra: Well you know me! I never pass on dinner!

James enters from the kitchen.

James: Hey Sandra!

Sandra: Hi James!

Lucy: So, where's this new man of yours?

Sandra: He's just parking the car. Ooh! Here he comes!

James and Lucy look to the door expectantly. Tom comes running through the door. He has his arms outstretched like wings and is making plane noises - he exits into a room. James looks dumbstruck.

James: Wh-what was that?

Sandra: He thinks he's a spitfire!

Lucy: Oh he's lovely, Sandra! Come on, lets go eat.

Lucy and Sandra exit. James looks perplexed.

CUT TO: Int. Dining Room.

James, Lucy and Sandra are sat at a table 'post-dinner'.

Lucy: Well I'm going to vote for whoever sorts out immigration.

James: The problem is that they need to-

Tom comes running into the room and round the table impersonating a plane. He then 'flies' out the room.

James: Does he have to keep doing that?

Lucy: Let him be.

James: But, he keeps interrupting me and-

Tom 'flies' in the room again and up to James.

Tom: GERMAN! (MAKES MACHINE GUN NOISE) GERMAN! (MAKES MACHINE GUN NOISE)

Tom flies out.

James: You see!

Sandra: He's only having a bit of fun.

Lucy: Yes, James. (FIRMLY) Let him be.

Sandra: Anyway, about immigration.

Sandra and Lucy begin chatting. Tom 'flies' back in and keeps circling the table.

James: You're a grown man, for God's sake!

Tom carries on flying. James slams his fist down on the table.

Lucy: What's your problem?

James: HE'S my problem!

Sandra: Leave him alone, you big bully!

James: He's being a dick!

Lucy: No, James, YOU'RE being the dick. Now grow up!

James: What?! ME grow up?! Right, I'm not having this.

James gets up from the table.

Lucy: Where are you going ?!

James: Out. To find some adults.

CUT TO: Int. Pub

James is at the bar bouncing on a spacehopper and trying to drink a pint. A man is stood next to him.

James: And they said I should grow up!

The man shakes his head.

ENDS

"Excellent" - in a Monty Burns style voice.

Can't say I'm all that fond on this new version. I liked it contained to one location (just about). Also, I liked the intro. For me, a large part of why it was funny was the inevitability. I think you were right to set up the spitfire thing at the start. It's like saying, "Here comes my mate Darren. He's a nice guy... just don't stare at his head" then having Darren arrive with a gigantic rollercoaster on his barnett. It's not funny unless you provide the setup. I've used this analogy before, but what's funnier - a bucket falling on someone's head or knowing that a bucket is about to fall on someone's head?

Hmm I think some sort of intro line would be good, but I have to disagree abit with Mr Bussell. Knowing a bucket is going to fall and it falling is funny. Knowing a bucket is going to fall, it misses and the intended target gets mauled by a lion.

I reckon thats funnier.

Surprise is one of the best tools in comedy.

I really liked the machine gun bit, but maybe it jsut doesn't fit.

An obvious setup can be funny. I quite liked the obvious setup of the original. I think I'll do another rewrite!

I'm going to keep the machine gun bit out. It made the ending far too busy.

I may pinch it, I thought that was a great joke.

Personally, I thought the first one was really good - I like the idea of someone being the same as they were at school, me and my mates were talking about it the other day.

It could be done as a series of little sketches in which each of them is:

"x is coming round"
"oh, not x, I went to school with him, he always used to do x"
"oh, I'm sure he doesn't do that anymore"
etc.

You could even use the spacehopper bit with it too. Like the original thing could be really childish/rude/disgusting or whatever. And the bit at the end could be the original person doing something very similar to it.

I think this is possibly two separate sketches. Try James and Lucy having the conversation in the first version as they walk up the garden path, then meeting Tom doing his spitfire thing. Pay off for first sketch, and as David say it doesn't matter if people see it coming. Second sketch is a runner which develops the idea further with the who is being childish thing. Though I think you need a sharper pay off -so that James complains that Lucy says he was childish - then the shot opens up to show him doing something childish.

Just my thoughts. Feel free to ignore. (Usually the wisest course.)

That's a good idea, Timbo. I don't think I've written a runner before.