Hi all.
I'm quite new to all of this, not done much sketch writing so I would be very grateful for any feedback on the following:
SCENE 1. INT.OFFICE
A TALL MAN WEARING ARMY OFFICERS UNIFORM SITS AT A DESK READING A FILE WHEN THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
T:
Come.
A MAN IN ARMY COMBATS ENTERS.
T:
Ah Jenkins, glad you could make it. Please have a seat.
JENKINS:
Thank you sir.
JENKINS SITS.
(PAUSE) T. CONTINUES TO READ THE FILE.
T:
Impressive Jenkins. From the evidence in this file and from third party reports I believe that you single-handed managed to put the largest suicide bomber training camp in Europe out of action.
JENKINS:
Yes sir.
T:
THUMPS DESK WITH HIS FIST
Tremendous work Jenkins. This will severely limit terrorism in Western Europe. I am putting you forward for a commendation.
JENKINS:
Thank you sir.
T:
FILLING IN A FORM
How long have you been with the SAS now?
JENKINS:
Six months sir.
T:
What is your specialisation?
JENKINS:
Health and Safety sir.
T:
Health and safety?
JENKINS:
Yes sir Health and safety.
T:
Jenkins, what exactly did you do to shut down the training camp?
JENKINS:
Full Health and Safety audit sir. They weren’t expecting that.
T:
You managed to discover and infiltrate a highly secretive organisation and locate their centre of operations in the UK, then you performed a Health and Safety audit then left without a shot being fired?
JENKINS:
Of course not sir.
T:
Thank God for that, explain.
JENKINS:
They were issuing live ammunition to uncredited, uncertificated personnel, a negligent discharge was inevitable. It’s item four in the action plan.
T:
Action Plan? What the hell are you on about man?
JENKINS:
It’s in the report sir. All terrorist activities must be suspended until their Health and Safety officer has complied with my twelve point action plan.
T:
Al Qaeda have a Health and Safety officer?
JENKINS:
Of course, it makes sense sir they are working in a dangerous environment someone could get hurt or even killed.
T:
They're bloody suicide bombers for heavens sake man, they are supposed to get killed and take out as many innocents as they can with them in the process.
JENKINS:
Not any more sir. Item seven on my action plan requires that all suicide bombers perform a full risk assessment prior to detonation which includes establishing a clearly defined blast cordon and a five minute warning Klaxon.
T:
And they just accepted this?
JENKINS:
Well (laughs) Mahmoud wasn’t very happy at first, but he sees sense now.
T:
Mahmoud? Am I to understand that you are first name terms with terrorists?
JENKINS:
No sir just Mahmoud. We were on the same H & S training course, how do you think I infiltrated their camp?
T:
He just gave you directions and let you in?
JENKINS:
Not exactly sir. I needed to perform a full audit to complete my Health and Safety accreditation. We made a deal.
T:
Which was?
JENKINS:
Mahmoud needs to complete one too sir.
THE DOOR OPENS AND A TERRORIST TYPE ENTERS.
MAHMOUD:
Morning gentlemens please continue as if I’m not here.
END OF SKETCH