SCENE 1.
INT. SPARE ROOM – DAY
CAPTION – INTO THE WILD WITH COLIN HODGE
IN THE SPARE ROOM OF A TYPICAL SUBURBAN HOUSE COLIN HODGE, CLAD IN TREKKING/OUTDOOR STYLE CLOTHES, ADDRESSES THE CAMERA.
COLIN
(TO CAMERA) To truly understand the mindset of a wild animal it is not enough to observe from a distance. One must enter their world and live as they live... hunting, eating and when necessary fighting within their social structure. But to do this takes time, sacrifice and -
BEHIND COLIN A WOMAN APPEARS AT THE WINDOW.
COLIN’S WIFE
Colin!
COLIN COWERS OUT OF SIGHT BENEATH THE WINDOW.
COLIN’S WIFE
Colin! I'm taking the kids and I'm moving in with my parents. Until you've got rid of those things and seen doctor do not try to contact me or my family!
AFTER A SECOND COLIN TENTATIVELY MOVES TO LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW. COLIN’S WIFE IS STILL THERE.
COLIN’S WIFE
Arsehole!
COLIN COWERS AGAIN.
COLIN
(TO CAMERA) Not to worry - this is my family now.
WE SEE THE SPARE ROOM. THERE IS NO FURNITURE BUT IN ONE CORNER THERE ARE A NUMBER OF HAMSTER CAGES AND THERE ARE MANY HAMSTERS RUNNING AROUND THE CARPETED FLOOR.
CUT TO -
SCENE 2.
INT. SPARE ROOM - DAY
CAPTION - DAY 3
COLIN
(TO CAMERA) Three days in and I think the hamster pack is finally starting to accept me as one of its own. At first they were wary but yesterday I managed to trap a bluebottle at the windowsill. I let them share in the kill... obviously I had to wait until the dominant males had finished before I could take my share but afterwards I sensed the hamsters viewed me with a new found trust and dare I say... respect.
A COUPLE OF KIDS APPEAR AT THE WINDOW. THEY START LAUGHING AND POINTING AT COLIN.
COLIN HIDES UNDER THE WINDOW AGAIN.
COLIN
If I am to be accepted fully I must play my part in defending the pack.
COLIN STANDS UP AND FURIOUSLY FLICKS THE V’S AT THE KIDS BEFORE DRAWING THE CURTAINS. HE COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR EXHAUSTED.
CUT TO -
SCENE 3.
INT. SPARE ROOM - DAY
CAPTION - DAY 17
WE SEE COLIN WITH A HAMMER AND NAILS. HE IS CONSULTING SOME PLANS.
HE MOVES TO REVEAL A LARGE CRUDELY BUILT HAMSTER WHEEL IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM. IT IS JUST BIG ENOUGH FOR A MAN TO CRAWL AROUND IN.
CUT TO -
SCENE 4.
INT. HALL/SPARE ROOM - DAY
CAPTION - DAY 35
AT THE DOOR TO THE SPARE ROOM COLIN, DRESSED SMARTLY IN A SUIT, ADDRESSES THE CAMERA.
COLIN
(TO CAMERA) I had to leave the hamster pack this morning for a meeting at my solicitors – divorce proceedings being initiated or something - I wasn't really listening. I was more worried about how the hamsters would react to my absence. Would they still see me as one of their own? Luckily I’ve taken the precaution of collecting this...
COLIN HOLDS UP A SMALL GLASS OF YELLOWISH LIQUID.
COLIN
...by dousing myself in hamster’s urine I’m hoping they’ll recognise the scent and will welcome me back into the fold. Here goes...
COLIN POURS THE LIQUID OVER HIS HEAD AND FACE, RUBBING IT INTO HIS CLOTHES AND UNDER HIS ARMS ETC.
HE OPENS THE DOOR OF THE SPARE ROOM AND ENTERS, CRAWLING ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES. WE SEE HIM LIE ON THE FLOOR OF THE SPARE ROOM BEFORE GIVING THE CAMERA A THUMBS UP.
CUT TO -
SCENE 5.
INT. SPARE ROOM - NIGHT
CAPTION - DAY 37
COLIN LIES ON THE FLOOR STARING SADLY AT A PICTURE OF HIS WIFE. A HAMSTER NUZZLES INTO HIS ARM. COLIN SMILES.
COLIN
Stop it, Mandy - that tickles.
THE HAMSTER CONTINUES TO NUZZLE. COLIN GIGGLES.
COLIN
Mandy, stop it, I...
COLIN STOPS GIGGLING AS HE LOOKS AT THE HAMSTER. WE SEE THE HAMSTERS LOOKING UP AT COLIN. WE SEE COLIN LOOKING DOWN AT THE HAMSTER.
DISSOLVE TO -
SCENE 6.
INT. SPARE ROOM - DAY
CAPTION - DAY 38
WE SEE COLIN CRAWLING TO A SMALL WATER DISPENSER AT THE CORNER OF A CAGE. HE IS ABOUT TO USE IT TO DRINK SOME WATER WHEN WE SEE THE HAMSTER FROM THE PREVIOUS SCENE NEARBY. COLIN LOOKS AWKWARD - HE CAN BARELY LOOK THE HAMSTER IN THE EYE.
COLIN
Oh... hi, Mandy... just getting some... water. (BEAT) Anyway... see you around, yeah.
COLIN AWKWARDLY CRAWLS AWAY.
CUT TO -
SCENE 7.
INT. SPARE ROOM - DAY
CAPTION - DAY 49
COLIN
(TO CAMERA) Today is a sad day. This morning I awoke to find Fergus, the dominant male and leader of the pack, had died during the night. It's come as a bit of a shock as he didn't show any signs of illness. But he must have sensed it was coming... with his dying breath he'd somehow managed to squeeze under my body as I was sleeping. That’s the third hamster that’s chosen to spend its last moments with me … flattering in a way.
CUT TO -
SCENE 8.
INT. SPARE ROOM - DAY
CAPTION - DAY 55
COLIN
(TO CAMERA) Well... things are getting very tense within the pack. Since Fergus died there are squabbles breaking out all over as the males jostle for position. Even I have been dragged into the power struggle. Jasper, the heir apparent, has been giving me the evil eye for days.
WE SEE A HAMSTER OBLIVIOUSLY GOING ABOUT ITS BUSINESS.
COLIN
I think he sees me as some kind of threat... I'll be watching my back from now on.
CUT TO -
SCENE 9.
INT. SPARE ROOM - NIGHT
CAPTION - DAY 57
COLIN
(TO CAMERA) Jasper is dead. He came at me while I was sleeping – the coward! But I was ready for him. We fought furiously for what felt like tens of seconds - look what he did to my finger!
COLIN HOLDS UP HIS FINGER TO THE CAMERA. THERE IS A BARELY VISIBLE BITE MARK THERE.
COLIN
But in the end I somehow managed to overcome him... I can’t help thinking that in another place, another time… we might have been allies, Jasper and me. But now the responsibility of leadership falls on my shoulders… I must do my bast for the hamster pack… I must ensure their survival… (THINKS)… I must choose a mate.
THE DOOR TO THE SPARE ROOM OPENS. A SHAFT OF LIGHT SPREADS ACROSS THE ROOM. A POLICEMAN AND SOME MEDICAL STAFF APPEAR AT THE DOOR.
MEDIC
It’s alright, Colin. No one is going to hurt you. But I think you should come with us now.
COLIN
I AM THE HAMSTER KING! I AM KING OF THE HAMSTERS! HAMSTERS ATTACK!
COLIN LAUNCHES HIMSELF TOWARDS THE STAFF.
THE SCREEN FILLS WITH STATIC.
END
