Hi I have just finished writing my first sitcom script about a character called Simon who ends up working the night shift in a petrol station. The first episode is about how Simon begins to work in the petrol station. Please read this and leave me some feedback and rate it out of 10. I would really like to hear your opinions on it.
The Night Shift
Episode 1 - ‘Pilot’
IN CAR
Simon’s driving to work singing along to music in his car. He is singing in a very gay and feminine voice.
Simon arrives at the estate agents where he works, parks his car and gets out and walks into the estate agents.
Simon: Hey Bob what’s up?
Bob: What’s up? What’s up is that you haven’t sold a single property in a month now. What am I paying you for?
Simon: So I’ve been going through a bit of a dry spell.
Bob: Your lack of property sales dry spell has been going on longer than your lack of sex dry spell and that’s one hell of a long dry spell.
Simon: Don’t worry I’ve got a sale that’s about to go through today.
Bob: You’d best be right because your ass is on the line. If this sale gets done like your first blow job I.e. it doesn’t happen then your fired sugar. You’ve got till the end of the day.
Simon’s thoughts: Just great I haven’t really got a sale that’s about to go through today and big Bob thinks I’m his toy boy.
Cut to…
Opening credits
Cut to…
Simon’s sat at his office desk looking around at his co-workers.
Simon’s Thoughts: These are my work monkey’s and I’ll work them till their dead.
Cut to…
Simon sat at his desk on the phone.
Simon: What do you mean you don’t like the house? (pause while listens to phone) It’s got five bedrooms, two bathrooms and a god damn roof what more do you want. I’ll even throw in a bloody cat. (pause) I don’t give a toss if your wife’s allergic to cats. (pause) Well you know what I don’t like your tone of voice either mate. (pause) Oh go finger your mum.
Simon hangs up the phone.
Cut to.
Simon in the office later on in the day.
Simon’s assistant Shaun enters the office.
Shaun: Simon I have …..
Simon interrupts Shaun
Simon: Unless your about to reach deep into your trousers and pull out something big in your trousers that’s not your dick but is actually a document that states that you want to buy a house from me you know what to do Shaun.
Shaun: But I have a fax for you from Frank.
Simon: About?
Shaun: About the storage situation in his rented house.
Simon: Oh well in that case take Franks fax to the toilets their running low on toilet paper and people are running out of things to wipe their ass’s on. So the people in the toilet will appreciate Franks fax more than me.
cut to…
Bob’s office
Bob is sat at his desk opposite Simon.
Bob: Well before we get on to the matter of whether you have sold a property or not. I want to talk to you about a number of complaints I have received about you today.
Simon: OK.
Simon’s Thoughts: Deny everything.
Bob: Well firstly Barbara said that you told her if she doesn’t sell a house for you by the end of the day then the only thing she’ll be selling is herself on the street corner.
Simon: That bitch will say anything, she is such an attention seeker.
Bob: Ok, but I also received a complaint from Frank saying you sent him offensive e-mails.
Simon: That’s a lie and Frank knows it. I never e-mailed him any such thing.
Bob: Well actually I have a copy of the e-mails you sent. I’ll read them out maybe it’ll spur your memory. (Bob picks up a piece of paper on his desk)
Simon: There’s really no need to .…
(Bob interrupts Simon)
Bob: So you sent the first e-mail that said ‘hey Frank I have the perfect solution to solve your storage problems why don’t you buy a house’. Then Frank replied ‘I cannot afford to buy a house’ and you replied to Frank ‘F**k you Frank it’s called a cardboard box’.
Simon: Oh that e-mail. Well I apologize for sending that e-mail but I was very angry at Frank because (he pauses to think) he slept with my mother.
Bob: He slept with your mother?
Simon: Yep, he’s a mother f**ker.
Bob: Erm ok, let’s get on to the matter at hand did you sell a property?
Simon: Well I nearly sold several properties.
Bob: Are you telling me no?
Simon: Erm, yea.
Bob: Right that’s it your fired.
Simon’s phone begins to ring and he answers it.
Simon: Hello (pause while simon listens to caller on the phone) What’s that you would like to buy the house down Daisy Lane (pause) Yes you can come into the office tomorrow and sign the papers for the property ok then bye.
Simon hangs up the phone.
Simon: Good news you don’t have to sack me I just sold a house.
Bob: Pass me the phone.
Simon passes Bob the phone and Bob calls back the number that just rang.
Bob: Hi this is Bob Jones may I ask who I’m speaking to (pause while he listens to phone) Oh your Simon’s mum are you.
Cut to.
Simon outside the estate agents
Simon is carrying a box of his work things to his car.
Cut to.
Simon’s girlfriends apartment
Simon is walking down the corridor towards his girlfriends apartment.
Simon’s Thoughts: So I lost my job and my ridiculously high income but that doesn’t matter because I’ve got the love of my life waiting for me at home. As long as I’ve got love I will survive. Bob hasn’t got love to return home to he’s only got porn and a microwave ready meal. He’s so ridiculous.
Simon opens the door and enters his girlfriends apartment.
Simon: Hello Monica are you in?
Simon hears a noise coming from the bedroom and goes to investigate. He opens the bedroom door to see Monica wearing a strap on and doing another man from behind.
Monica: Simon, it was an accident.
Simon: What like he tripped and you fell or you thought he was me.
Cut to…
Simon at the arcade
Simon is on a zombie shoot em’ up game.
Simon: Die Monica, Die.
Simon’s Thoughts: This zombie reminds me of Monica, she’s got a nice rack but she’s an evil bloodsucking zombie, just like Monica.
Cut to…
Simon at a coffee Shop
Simon is sat down at a table reading the job section in the newspaper.
Simon: High school teacher no, Naked chef.
Summer: Naked chef hey I’d love to see you do that.
Simon: We haven’t even had our first date yet and you already want to see me naked.
Summer: No I just want to see what your cooking’s like.
Simon: That’s a shame because my cooking’s not quite as impressive!
Summer: Yea you’re a regular Brad Pitt.
Simon: Thanks, I get that a lot.
Summer: I was joking!
Simon: Of course you were.
Summer laughs.
Simon: I’m Simon by the way.
Summer: Summer.
Simon and Summer shake hands.
Summer: Do you mind if I join you.
Simon: No go ahead.
Summer glances at the paper and sees an article about global warming.
Summer: It’s such a stupid idea for the government to try to stop people driving 4x4’s don’t you think?
Simon: Why don’t you think protecting the environment is very important?
Summer: Oh yea, I’m very eco-friendly.
Simon: Really?
Summer: Yea why.
Simon: Oh no reason.
Summer looks at her watch.
Summer: Oh shoot I’ve got to go I’m late for an appointment. It was nice meeting you Simon.
Simon: Hey can I maybe get your number?
Summer: I don’t have time right now but if it’s meant to be fate will bring us together.
Summer leaves the coffee shop.
Simon: Yea like fates on my side.
Cut to…
Later on in the Coffee shop.
Simon is still reading the paper.
Simon: Janitor no, receptionist no.
Simon turns to the next page of the paper.
Simon: Plumber hmm.
***FANTASY***
Simon is dressed as a plumber talking to a busty blonde woman.
Simon: Don’t worry miss I’ll make sure I clean your pipes.
***BACK TO REALITY***
Simon: Maybe a Fireman.
***FANTASY***
Simon is dressed as a fireman talking to the same busty blonde woman again.
Simon: I see your still hot from the fire. Your literally smoking.
***BACK TO REALITY***
Simon: Here we go, Petrol station sales assistant. This sounds like an easy no hassle job.
Cut to…
IN CAR
Simon in car driving to petrol station
Simon’s Thoughts: So I’m broke, single and unemployed. But on the plus side I’m on my way to a job interview for the job I have dreamed about doing all my life, an Astronaut. Ok the job interview is not for a job as an astronaut but it’s as close as I could ever get it’s a job at a petrol station. Hell it’s basically the same job as an astronaut although people probably think of a guy working at a petrol station as more of a work monkey than a hero.
Simon’s Narration: With that in mind I arrived at the petrol station eager to impress John Bull petrol station manager.
Simon’s Thoughts: Maybe I could dance for him.
***FANTASY***
Simon pole dancing like a stripper.
Simon: Do you think I’m sexy.
***BACK TO REALITY***
Simon is stood in the middle of the forecourt dancing with his eyes closed. A man walks past him and looks at him funny.
PETROL STATION
Simon walks into the petrol station and see’s another man sat waiting outside the office wearing the exact same suit as him.
Simon’s Thoughts: Shit that guy’s wearing the exact same suit as me he even looks like me, I’m in competition with myself. Just great it’s going to be like choosing between two hot blonde twins to have sex with, you really don’t care because they’re both hot.
Simon approaches man sat outside office.
Simon’s Thoughts: Ok lets make friendly with the competition and once I’ve lured him into a false sense of security I’ll stab him in the back. Like James Bond, yes I’m James Bond, I’m unstoppable.
Simon: Hi I’m Simon.
Man sat outside office: I’m Jeff.
Simon and Jeff shake hands and Simon sits down in the chair next to Jeff.
Simon: So are you here for the job interview as well?
Jeff: Yea.
Simon: Good luck.
Jeff: You too.
Simon’s Thoughts: I’ve got my fingers crossed he’s not getting any luck from me.
The office door opened and a middle-aged man with a moustache and wearing glasses stepped out.
John Bull: Jeff Mitchell your next.
Jeff got up and entered the office.
Simon’s Thoughts: If he gets the job I’m going to Google his name to get his address then I’m going to egg his house, I’m sure that’s what James Bond would do.
Simon looks at fresh bagels that are on the shop shelves.
Simon’s Thoughts: Mmm bagels, I wish I was eating bagels, people eat bagels in California, yea California, Sun, Heat, Hot, Sexy, Saucy. Do people eat saucy bagels? I wonder if people play ring tossing games with bagels and penis’s. (Simon looks at a man who has just entered the garage) I bet he’s a bagel dick tosser.
Simon looks up at the clock.
Text: Some time later.
10 minutes later the office door opened and Jeff and the middle-aged man stepped out.
Jeff Bull: It was nice meeting you Jeff.
Jeff: You too sir
Jeff Bull: Drive safe.
Simon’s Thoughts: ‘Drive safe’ he actually cares about Jeff’s safety maybe he wants Jeff to drive safe so he will still be alive and ready to work for him or maybe he’s gay and loves Jeff, either way I’m f**ked.
John Bull: You must be Simon, I’m John the manager and I’ll be interviewing you today.
Simon: It’s a pleasure to meet you John.
Simon’s Thoughts: That’s it suck up to him like he’s one of Jordon’s Breasts.
Simon walks into john’s office and sits down.
John Bull: So why do you want to work in a petrol station?
Simon: Because when I was growing up people were always telling me that I’m going to go places so I thought I needed petrol to get places.
John laughs.
Simon’s Thoughts: He’s laughing at my jokes he actually likes me. Yes 1 to me nil to Jeff, Jeff’s my bitch.
John Bull: So what qualifications do you have Simon?
Simon: Well I have six GCSE’s in Math’s, Business studies, English, Science, P.E. and Art and I have three A-levels in Business studies, Media studies and Economics.
John Bull: I can see I’m going to have a tough time deciding between you and Jeff.
***FANTASY***
Simon and Jeff are fighting with brushes on the forecourt dressed as Jedi’s. The Brushes act as light sabre’s.
Simon: Your destiny lies with me Jeff.
***BACK TO REALITY***
Simon: I also have a certificate in ICT.
John Bull: Welcome to the petrol station you’ve got the job.
***FANTASY***
Simon and Jeff are fighting again with brushes on the forecourt dressed as Jedi’s. Jeff falls to the floor.
Simon: You are beaten Jeff it is useless to resist.
Jeff gets up off the floor.
Simon: There is no escape Jeff, don’t make me destroy you I have the force.
Simon cuts Jeff’s arm off.
Jeff: Noooooooo.
***BACK TO REALITY***
Cut to…
THE FOLLOWING DAY
THE PETROL STATION
Simon’s Thoughts: It’s my first day at work. I’m wearing Lynx Africa, I’m sweating and there is not a single naked woman running after me so I have a bad feeling that something’s going to go wrong today like every other day of my life.
Simon walks into the petrol station and sees a tall young man sat behind the counter.
Simon: Hi I’m the new guy here.
James: I’m James welcome to hell! I’ll give you the guided tour this is the shop, that’s the kitchen [James points towards kitchen] and the crappers out back.
Simon: Lovely.
James: Just watch the till for a moment I’ll be right back.
James walks out of the petrol station
Simon sits down on the stool behind the till and accidentally breaks it. He quickly tries to fix the stool in a panic.
Simon: Oh crap!
James enters the petrol station again.
Simon: So, what was wrong?
James: Oh nothing I was just giving the deliveryman a hand.
Simon: You were giving the deliveryman a hand?
James: Yep.
Simon: Was it hard?
James: No not really.
Simon: Did it take long or did he come quickly?
James: No it only took a minute.
Simon: Did he jerk you about a little?
James: Nar he’s cool.
Simon: So would you say your relationship with the deliveryman is just physical or do you consider him a close friend.
James: What’s with all the questions?
Simon: Oh no reason. So what have I got to do?
James: Nothing till John gets here to train you but if you really want to do something you could make me a coffee.
Simon: Go on then I think I might be able to handle that without training.
James: We’ll see.
Simon walks into the kitchen and starts making a cup of coffee.
Simon’s Thoughts: Oh my god I’m so hungry.
Simon sees a packet of Doritos’s on the kitchen counter.
Simon’s Thoughts: Must resist the temptation, hmmm Doritos’s. Nobody’s going to eat them, someone’s probably just going to end up throwing them in the bin, what a waste. They look so good, oh I don’t care anymore I’m eating them.
Simon picks up the crisps, opens them and begins to eat them, then turns round to see James stood staring at him.
James: Are you eating my Doritos’s?
Simon: Sorry I didn’t realise they were yours.
James: You will be sorry!
James takes the Doritos’s off Simon while giving him an evil stare and then turns around and goes back to sit down behind the counter.
Simon’s Thoughts: Just great I’m going to wake up tomorrow morning with a dead horses head in my bed.
John entered the petrol station.
John: Evening James and Simon, I assume you know one another now.
James: Yes I believe I know Simon pretty well, he’s made quite an impression.
James gives Simon an evil stare.
Simon’s Thoughts: Bolox he thinks I’m Robert Ford come to assassinate him. He wishes he was Jesse James.
John: Ok then Simon let’s get training we’ll begin with a slide show about the history and development of the petrol station.
Simon’s Thoughts: What in god’s name have I signed up for.
James sits back down on the stool and it breaks and James falls on the floor.
Simon’s Thoughts: Yep he definitely thinks I’ve come to eliminate him now.
John: The other staff members will be here in a minute. I arranged a staff meeting so that you could get to know your co-workers.
Simon: You arranged a staff meeting for 11 o’clock at night.
John: Yes, something wrong with that?
Simon: No, that’s not weird at all.
Danny, Kyle, Rachel and Summer enter the petrol station.
John: Ah here they are Simon this is Danny, Kyle, Rachel and Summer.
Simon: Hey I guess fate really did bring us together then Summer.
Danny: Hey awesome trainers dude, I have the same pair. Snap!
Simon’s Thoughts: Dear diary, this is the happiest day of my life me and Danny are wearing the same pair of trainers. Does life get much better than this.
Kyle: So how do you know Summer?
Simon: Oh she told me she wanted to see me naked in a coffee shop earlier.
Summer: That’s not exactly what happened.
Simon: Well you did tell me I look like Brad Pitt as well.
Kyle: She told me I look like Morgan Freeman, I’m not sure whether that was a compliment or not really considering I’m white.
John walks over to talk to James behind the counter.
Simon: So is John an easy boss to work for or is he the devil in disguise?
Kyle: No John’s alright but you just have to remember that John Bull takes no Bullshit he just talks it. (Kyle laughs)
Simon, Summer, Rachel and Danny go quiet. John walks up behind Kyle.
John: Well you got the first part right.
Kyle: Erm. I was only joking John.
John: Go Brush the forecourt.
Kyle: But I only just brushed it half an hour ago.
John: Oh well in that case go brush it again.
Kyle walks towards the door.
John: Kyle I was joking.
Kyle: Oh right you got me there John, you got me alright.
John: No I’m joking again, seriously now go brush the forecourt.
Kyle leaves to go brush the forecourt.
John: What a dumbass he actually went and brushed the forecourt. Ok Simon we’ll start training you tomorrow. I think you can manage to run the place on your own until the morning without training.
Simon: What just me on my own until the morning?
John: Yep just you on your own until eight in the morning with nothing but time to kill. I can see your eager to get started so we’ll get out of your way.
John, Danny, Kyle, Rachel, James leave the petrol station.
Rachel: Bye.
Danny: see you, have fun!
Simon’s Thoughts: Was that some sort of sick Joke?
Simon: So Summer how about that date?
Summer: How could I refuse after you told me the sight of you naked was more impressive than your cooking.
Simon: Exactly that’s an offer you can’t refuse. I mean if you told me that the sight of you naked was more impressive than your cooking I would be really turned on by that because women are supposed to be cooks.
Summer: I’ll take that as a compliment. So before I go do you know how to operate the till?
Simon: Are you talking dirty to me?
Summer laughs.
Simon: You know if I could rearrange the alphabet I would put you and I together.
Summer laughs.
Summer: You really want that date don’t you?
Simon: Is the Godfather a violent film?
Summer: I’ll take that as a yes then. Ok I’ve gotta go get my beauty sleep now, so I’ll see you later. Will you miss me?
Simon: I’ll be counting down the minutes.
Summer: That’s a good line.
Simon: That’s not a line that’s actually what I’m going to be doing I don’t have anything else to do this place is dead.
Summer: Bye.
Summer waves at Simon and Simon waves back.
Simon’s Thoughts: Ok so I’ve got eight and a half hours till I finish. Just great I’m going to die of boredom.
Simon looks around bored and sees a cappuccino machine.
Ooooo Cappuccino machine.
Cut to…
End credits
Simon is working the night shift sat at the till drinking coffee and looks out the window to see James giving him an evil stare and pointing at him. Then Simon wakes up at work on the night shift and realises it was just a dream.
(This script is copyright protected)
