SKETCH COMP 3-13.7.8

Wota comp!
Congrats to TIMBO for walking it! That's 10 points and excuse to get handsomely rat-arsed. (PM me for next week's subject please. Otherwise I keep having to randomly search for topics). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
11 (!!!) - 10 - Timbo
5 - 2 - James Harris
1 - 1 - Fred Peters

Special mention to Chris Forshaw, KevDP4C, Otterfox, Frankie, DanyJB!

The next comp is open longer as I'm away from my computer for a bit. The subject is THEATRE, chosen by me.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 13 July.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

87 - Frankie
83 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
48 - Michael Monkhouse
37 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
25 - Chris Forshaw
20 - Timbo
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - Otterfox
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Hellboy
05 - James Harris (NEW!)
05 - Afinkawan
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Gary D
01 - Jake How
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Wayne Lewis
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks

A PART TO DIE FOR

http://www.channel4.com/4laughs/enjoy/userMediaDetails.jsp?userMediaId=1014

Had a lovely night out at the theatre the other day, but some twat had to go and spoil iy by shouting out 'Please make you way to your seats, the bar is closing'. Went to the see the mousetrap, not such a great play, the ending was a bit predictable with the wobbly cage descending slowly to trap tht poor rodent. It was part of a series of unoffical follow-ups to Chess... went to see Keprplunk last week, the finale brought the house down... utterly marbelous.

"Rape" – The Pantomime

INT. THEATRE

VOICE OVER
Coming soon, to a theatre near you.

A MAN IN DRAG AS A FAIRY GODMOTHER AND A SHIFTY LOOKING CHARACTER (THE RAPIST) ARE ON STAGE.

FAIRY GODMOTHER
I am your Fairy Godmother.

RAPIST
That’s interesting. Now bend over!

VOICE OVER
A tale of stolen innocence for the whole family.

CUT TO:

SHOT OF THE AUDIENCE. WE CAN HEAR SEX NOISES COMING FROM THE STAGE.

AUDIENCE
He’s behind you!!!

VOICE OVER
Starring John Leslie as the rapist.

CUT TO:

COURT SCENE

RAPIST
I’m telling you the sex was consensual

FAIRY GODMOTHER
Oh no it wasn’t!

RAPIST
Oh yes it was!

VOICE OVER
"Rape" – The pantomime. Coming Christmas 2008.

Oops!
Sorry All, posted the wrong one.
Aid sends his apologies!

This may be more appropriate (but as humourless).

PLAYING TO A FULL HOUSE.

INT: SMALL ROOM WITH CHAIR AND TABLE WITH MIRROR ON.

OLIVER: (O.O.V.)

Ronald lovie, 2 minutes.

RONALD:

Okay, thanks Oliver.

RONALD, SITTING IN THE CHAIR, LOOKS AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR.

This is your stage. You command it. The people out there have come tonight to hang on your every word. You know your lines. You can’t fail. You WON’T fail! Right…

RONALD STANDS UP FROM HIS CHAIR AND WITH A MUSTERED DETERMINATION LEAVES THE ROOM. HE GOES ALONG A SMALL CORRIDOR, THROUGH ANOTHER DOOR, UP SOME WOODEN STAIRS TO THE SIDE OF A STAGE. HE RUNS HIS FINGER ALONG THE INSIDE OF HIS COLLAR. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

(Quietly but aggressively) C’mon!

RONALD STRIDES ON TO THE STAGE. HE STOPS AND TURNS TO FACE THE PEOPLE OUT FRONT.

Right, eyes down for a full house. First ball, on it’s own…

- - - - - - -

Obviously, not all the scene setting is in this as didn't want to give the ending away for this comp (in case it spoilt it for you. Ahem!). Of course, if we send stuff somewhere then all necessary details are included. Well, apart from the jokes apparently.

INT. SHAKESPEARE'S GARRET.

WILL IS AT HIS WRITING DESK. RICHARD BURBAGE ENTERS.

BURBAGE

Will, luvvie, it's about the new play.

SHAKESPEARE

Hamlet? I'm proud of that one.

BURBAGE

Oh, top notch stuff, an absolute belter. It is just the ending...

SHAKESPEARE

You don't like the dance number?

BURBAGE

No, I think it is great, really. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as black face minstrels - inspired! And when Ophelia comes on doing the can-can! But I am not sure it provides the necessary resolution to the Oedipal dynamic of the story arc.

THEY LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER.

SHAKESPEARE

I suppose I could just have Hamlet and Laertes do a tap routine.

BURBAGE

To be honest Will I would sooner lose the dancing altogether.

SHAKESPEARE

You don't want to cut Gertrude's fan dance?

BURBAGE

Given Gertrude is down to be played by Chris Beeston, who is hung like a horse, on the whole I would say, yes.

SHAKESPEARE

So how do you propose I end it then?

BURBAGE

You're the writer Will.

SHAKESPEARE

Bugger it then, I'll just kill off the lot of them.

BURBAGE

Oh c'mon now Will, there's no need to be silly...

END.

INT. THEATRE STAGE. AUDIENCE POV. SPARSE SET. A MAN IS SAT AT A TABLE FACING THE AUDIENCE WITH A LAPTOP OPEN. ALSO ON THE TABLE ARE TWO BIG AND CHUNKY OLD-STYLE COMEDY PHONES, ONE IN WHITE & ONE IN RED. THE MAN BASHES THE KEYS OF THE LAPTOP IN A FRUSTRATED THEATRICAL MANNER, PANTO STYLE.

SFX: OFF-STAGE RINGING OF A PHONE.

OFF STAGE VOICE: (HISSING)
Go on, go on pick it up..

THE MAN STANDS UP AND PICKS UP THE WHITE PHONE.

MAN: (TO AUDIENCE)
Oh, I'm NEVER going get started on this letter to Auntie Doreen...

MAN: (SPEAKS INTO PHONE)
Hello, who’s there?

A SECOND VOICE FROM OFF-STAGE BUT SOUNDING 'TINNY'

GOD:
It’s God Almighty…

MAN: (LAUGHS AND SPEAKS TO AUDIENCE)
I've had it all now, these phones haven’t stopped all day, and this stupid one’s not even connected up!

THE MAN LIFTS UP THE WHITE TELEPHONE CABLE, WHICH ISN’T CONNECTED TO ANYTHING AND SHOWS IT TO THE AUDIENCE

GOD: (TINNY VOICE)
Well, you answered it stupid!

MAN: (ANNOYED)
Yes, OK, but NO WAY are you God, mate… I know God and it's not you..

A COMEDY LIGHTNING BOLT COMES FROM OFF STAGE LEFT OBVIOUSLY ON WIRES AND HITS THE MAN IN THE BUM.

MAN: (FEIGNS SHOCK)
Ow! OK, OK, so MAYBE you ARE God… (PANTO WINK AT AUDIENCE, PUTS HAND IN POCKET AND THROWS A HANDFULL OF SWEETS TO FRONT ROWS) …so what do you want anyway?

GOD:
I need a favour…

AUDIENCE:
He's behind you..

MAN: (MORE WINKS, THROWS MORE SWEETS)
Right, right so you’re the Almighty, All Seeing and All Knowing God that created the entire Universe and everything in it and YOU need a favour?

GOD:
Yes, that’s right…

AUDIENCE:
Not 'arf..

GOD: (ANNOYED)
Stop throwing those f**king sweets..

SFX: CHILDRENS LAUGHTER & SQUEALS

MAN:
What flavour? I mean, what favour.. What can I..

GOD:
I need a lift to the train station…

SFX: GENERAL AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

MAN:
Oh, this is RIDICULOUS… you are NOT God and I’m going… I've got a letter to write...

THE MAN SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND SITS DOWN. AFTER A BRIEF PAUSE THE SAME OFFSTAGE TELEPHONE RINGING STARTS UP AGAIN.

MAN:
Oh no, not again…

A HUGE BOOMING VOICE FILLS THE ENTIRE THEATRE.

GOD:
It IS God you little shit and I need a lift, come on outside NOW or I’ll demolish this gaff!

CUT TO: (ANIMATION) EXT. CLOSE UP VIEWS OF THEATRE SHAKING ON ITS FOUNDATIONS. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: A HUGE HAND HOLDING THE ROOF AND SHAKING IT.

INT. THEATRE STAGE. AUDIENCE POV. THE OFFSTAGE PHONE RINGING STARTS AGAIN.

OFF STAGE VOICE: (HISSING)
Go on, go on answer the other one..

THE MAN PICKS UP THE OTHER COMEDY PHONE (RED HANDSET)

Man:
Hello, who’s there?

A NEW OFF STAGE VOICE ANSWERS IN A TINNY PHONE VOICE

DEVIL:
Hello, it’s me... the Devil…

MAN: (EXASPERATED)
Look I can’t talk now I'm trying to write a letter to Auntie Doreen AND I’ve got God here in a right old mood…

DEVIL:
Oh, that's bloody typical! Just when I need a favour…

A COMEDY DEVILS PITCHFORK COMES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR ON WIRES FROM OFF STAGE RIGHT.

END

INT. BACK-STAGE AT A PANTO - NIGHT

There is a panto dame dressed as you would expect(over the top make-up, big frilly dress, etc). He is talking to a panto horse in quite a manly voice.

HORSE
Do you not feel a bit weird wearing a dress though?

DAME
It's not too bad to be honest. Plenty of dangle room, if you know what I mean

The two laugh a bit.

DAME
Yeah, I've capitalized on the opportunity and gone commando

Prince
(From the stage)
Where is the love of my life?

DAME
That's my cue

The dame goes up on stage. We see the audience is full of little kids and their parents. The kids laugh when they see the dame.

PRINCE
There she is. Come here beautiful!

DAME
(Bad attempt at a womans voice)
Oh, behave Prince Charming!

The Prince begins to chase the dame around the stage. In classic panto fashion, the dame runs away giggling and holds the dress up as he does so. The dame first runs towards the back of the stage and all of the audience begin to laugh. When the dame reaches the back of the stage, he turns around and runs towards the audience. The laughter instantly turns to screams.

I'm an actor and once a month I like to smear my costume with blood and get angry for no apparent reason. It's a period drama.

CUTS TO 'LUVVIE' THEATRE DIRECTOR AND HIS ASSISTANT SITTING IN THE SECOND ROW OF AN EMPTY THEATRE STUDYING INFORMATION ON A CLIPBOARD. THE DIRECTOR TAKES A SIP FROM A BOTTLE OF MINERAL WATER

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR(shouting at the stage)
Next!

IT CUTS TO THE EMPTY STAGE FOR A GOOD FEW MOMENTS THEN BACK TO THE THEATRE DIRECTORS STARING AHEAD AND WHISPERING TO EACH OTHER.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Thank you very much, next!

IT CUTS BACK TO THE EMPTY STAGE, AGAIN FOR A GOOD FEW MOMENTS THEN BACK TO THE DIRECTORS.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Hmm, not bad, what do you think?

DIRECTOR
Possible, make a note.

THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR WRITES A FEW NOTES ON HIS CLIPBOARD THEN LOOKS UP,

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
Thank you, next!

IT CUTS TO OUTSIDE AND THE CAMERA PANS DOWN FROM THE THEATRE ENTRANCE ALONG THE DESERTED PAVEMENT AS IF FILMING A QUEUE OF HOPEFULS, EVENTUALLY PASSING A SIGN THAT READS 'INVISIBLE MAN - AUDITIONS TODAY'.

INT. A THEATRE - DAY

An ACTRESS stands on stage. Two PRODUCERS sit on the front row.

The actress is weeping. She then snaps out of it and looks expectantly at the producers.

PRODUCER 1
Very good, very nice.

ACTRESS
Thank you.

PRODUCER 1
Now, you are aware that the role requires nudity?

ACTRESS
Uh, no actually. Really? Full nudity?

PRODUCER 1
If you like, yeah.

PRODUCER 2
That would be great. Full nudity. Excellent idea.

ACTRESS
Just... well, reading the script you sent... I mean, is nudity necessary, for the part?

PRODUCER 2
Well... necessary is an odd word.

PRODUCER 1
I'll say. How many Cees? How many Esses? Who knows?

ACTRESS
What I'm saying is, would it not be gratuitous?

PRODUCER 1
Another funny word. Too many vowels.

PRODUCER 2
A gratuitous number of vowels.

PRODUCER 1
An unnecessessessessary number of vowels.

ACTRESS
I'm just not sure about nudity.

PRODUCER 2
I am. I'm sure I like it.

PRODUCER 1
Tits. I love 'em, you love 'em, audiences love 'em, you've got 'em. I mean, they're just sitting there not doing anything. Why deny your tits a chance to shine? A moment in the spotlight. You're pretty selfish, you know that?

ACTRESS
That's... really insulting.

PRODUCER 1
Oh go on. Show us your tits.

ACTRESS
No. I'm a serious actress.

PRODUCER 1
Just one?

ACTRESS
No.

PRODUCER 2
Half a tit and your bum?

ACTRESS
No.

PRODUCER 2
I'll show you my bum.

ACTRESS
I'm leaving.

PRODUCER 2
Don't! Don't! Sorry, it was just part of the audition process.

ACTRESS
Really?

PRODUCER 1
Of course! You must have thought we were perverts or something, but it was all necessessessessary to gage how well you would have suited the character.

ACTRESS
Oh. Right. Wow. That was pretty intense. Did I get the part then?

PRODUCER 1
No. You wouldn't show us your tits. NEXT!

SKETCH ENDS

AT THE FRINGE by Kev F

Two novice theatre goers chat at a bar.

WRIGHTY
So did you take my advice and see a play, while we're here in Edinburgh?

LEFTY
Sort of. I saw a thing called Puppetry Of The...

Lefty whispers the end of the title

WRIGHTY
You are shitting me

LEFTY
I shit you not

WRIGHTY
What did you go see that for?

LEFTY
I thought it was a typo.

WRIGHTY
A typo?

LEFTY
I thought it was "Puppetry Of The Pen Is.." something something. I thought the end was missing.

WRIGHTY
You'd better hope the end wasn't missing. Was it funny?

LEFTY
More cheesy. What about you?

WRIGHTY
You'll be impressed by this. I saw a piece of performance art theatre.

LEFTY
Performance art theatre?

WRIGHTY
Yep. Very avant garde. It took place, not in a theatre, but in a doorway.

LEFTY
A doorway?

WRIGHTY
I know, "five stars the Scotsman" avant garde. There's only one performer in the cast. He stands there, in the doorway, with his back to the audience, then he does what can only be described as - a wee wee.

LEFTY
A wee wee?

WRIGHTY
Yep. Experimental or what?

LEFTY
Was it a long show?

WRIGHTY
No. About a minute. Short encore. Bow. That was about your lot.

LEFTY
Was it expensive?

WRIGHTY
No, it was part of the Free Fringe.

LEFTY
Were there many in the audience?

WRIGHTY
No, just myself.

LEFTY
And what was it called, this piece of performance art theatre?

WRIGHTY
You know I wondered that myself so I asked the actor. I tapped him on the shoulder and I said "Excuse me sir, what is this avant garde experimental piece of performance art theatre called?"

LEFTY
And?

WRIGHTY
And apparently it's called F**k Off Ye Pervy Bastard.

LEFTY
A risque title for a Free Fringe show

WRIGHTY
I thought so myself. But a highly influential show.

LEFTY
Influential?

WRIGHTY
Yes. Because I have subsequently seen, across town, tribute acts giving their own renditions of F**k Off Ye Pervy Bastard in doorways the length and breadth of Edinburgh.

END ©2008 Kev F

PERFORMANCE ART

INT NIGHT. AN ARTSY COUPLE SIT DOWN IN A THEATRE.

MAN:
i'M SOOO EXCITED BY THIS FRESH PERFORMANCE ART.

WOMAN:
YAH, I THINK THE FIRST ACT IS sMELVEE, A KIND OF SURREAL, POSTMODERN SIMULACRUM OF 50S POPULAR CULTURE.

MAN:
BONZA! I THINK HE'S FRENCH – WITH A NAME LIKE THAT.

WOMAN:
YAH, IT'S SPELT SMELVIS BUT MOST OF THESE ARE FRENCH AREN'T THEY.

MAN;
NATURALLY.

THE LIGHTS GO DOWN. A SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE. ROCK N ROLL MUSIC STARTS UP AND A MAN ENTERS THE STAGE DRESSED AS VEGAS ELVIS BUT WITH WHAT APPEARS TO BE EXCREMENT SMEARED ALL OVER HIS WHITE FLARED SUIT.

SMELVIS:
WHAT YOU LOOKING AT, YA BASTADS?

HE PROCEEDS TO POUR TCP OVER HIS HEAD AND SINGS IN AN UNINTELLIGIBLE AHUR-HUR ELVIS STYLE. AS HE POURS A BUCKET OF FISH DOWN HIS TROUSERS, THE THEATRE STARTS TO EMPTY.

SMELVIS:
THE AUDIENCE ARE LEAVING THE BUILDING.

HE VOMITS INTO THE FISH BUCKET, THEN POURS IT ON THE STAGE, BEFORE ROLLING IN IT.

FADE

Allow me to close this thread and accept yer votes till Thursday midnight!

Am I allowed to vote for the copyright symbol at the end of Kev F's skit Michael?