I'll be sending this off soon but i wouldn't mind some feedback. Its a sketch show with narration aimed at radio 4 listeners based on the theme of death.
SCENE 1. INTRODUCTION
NARRATOR:
Life is a wonderful yet short state of being however you can’t have life unless you also have death. Everything which lives eventually dies, except Take That they will go on forever.
SCENE 2. AEROPLANE
JOE AND MARGERY ARE ON A PLANE
JOE:
It won’t be long now Margery, we should arrive in the Netherlands soon.
MARGERY:
Are you sure you sorted everything out, I would hate to think that we would be causing any unnecessary trouble
JOE:
Don’t worry; it’ll be fine I’ve sorted out all our papers. Everything is in order
CAPTAIN:
We are experiencing a bit of turbulence can you put on your seat belts
MARGERY:
I’m so happy we are going to do this together; I don’t think I could live on without you.
JOE:
Me too
F/X:A Massive Crash
CAPTAIN:
Can every one go back to their seats and adopt the crash position, we are going down.
REPORTER:
It appears that no one survived the crash and we are…hang on I think I see movement.
JOE AND MARGERY STUMBLE OUT OF THE WRECKAGE
REPORTER:
I don’t believe it there are two survivors, are you okay?
JOE:
What Happened?
REPORTER:
Your plane crashed and you two are the only survivors
JOE:
Oh bugger! We’re trying to get to the euthanasia clinic in Amsterdam, bollocks.
SCENE 3. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
The journey to death is never easy however ome entities enjoy death; Death himself has never had it so good however he is now coming to the end of the line.
SCENE 4. DEATH LIVES
DEATH IS ON HIS DEATH BED AND IS ABOUT TO PASS AWAY
DEATH:
You are a good apprentice Eric, once I pass you will become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
ERIC:
Genius. I can destroy the world
DEATH:
No Eric, it’s a figure of speech, it’s getting white, I’m going, going…
ERIC:
Gone, woohoo I’m death
DEATH HAS DIED AND THEREFORE HAS BECOME ALIVE.
DEATH:
Where am I?
IAN:
You’re in a supermarket mate, are you alright you look a bit pale.
DEATH:
Aha a supermarket, very good for business, BSE, Ecoli, food poisoning, yes an excellent place to spend my afterlife.
IAN:
Mate you look really ill
DEATH:
No, don’t touch me you’ll die, wait you didn’t die, I don’t recall meeting you before, is this heaven.
IAN:
Are you drunk, man you’re really thin
DEATH:
Is this earth? I’ve come alive because I was dead. Oh Crap I have to see Eric again.
SCENE 5. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Where most beings fear death there are those who embrace death out of an ideological need to justify their existence. Also known as retards.
SCENE 6. SUICIDE BOMBERS
TWO TERRORISTS ARE PLANNING AN ATTACK
ASIF:
Are we going to blow up the train
AHMED:
Asif we are going to blow up the train
F/X
OOR KICKED IN
POLICEMAN:
Police! Nobody move
ASIF AND AHMED ARE IN A COURT
JUGDE:
So your defence is that you were being sarcastic
DEFECNCE LAWYER:
Yes, your honour. If you listen to the recordings you can quite clearly hear that the defendants were being sarcastic
RECORDING AHMED:
As if we are going to blow up the train
DEFENCE LAWYER:
AS IF we are going to blow up the train. Ahmed was indicating, through sarcasm that they weren’t going to perform any such act.
JUDGE:Well I’m convinced. Let them go.
SCENE 7. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Men are largely responsible for causing death. In the history of Earth women are recognised as being peace makers with the exception of Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Boudicia, Joan of Arc, Queen Elizabeth II, Queen Victoria and Margaret Thatcher. In fact women have only been responsible for death and destruction when they have been given power which is thankfully not often.
SCENE 8. FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT
PRESIDENT WINTON IS ADDRESSING HER GENERAL
PRESIDENT WINTON:
Go to death con 3
GENERAL:
Excuse me, Madame President
PRESIDENT WINTON:
Russia is about to attack
GENERAL:
How do you know, you just got off the phone with the Russians. What did they say?
PRESIDENT WINTON:
It’s not what the said its how they said it.
GENERAL:
How did they say it?
PRESIDENT WINTON:
It’s the tone of voice he used; now go to death con 3
GENERAL:
Ma’am, I’ve fought in Viet Nam, Iraq and have forty five years experience I can not go to death con 3 without solid evidence of a clear and present danger
PRESIDENT WINTON:
General, in your forty five years have you ever won an argument with a woman.
GENERAL:
Go to death con 3.
SCENE 9. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Certain members of society profit out of death.
SCENE 10. TESTATOR’S CAT
AN EXECUTOR IS READING A WILL
EXECUTOR:
And I leave my entire estate to my beloved cat
CATHERINE:
Oh Grandma, thank you so much. I will use this money wisely.
MR SLIME:
Ahem.
CATHERINE:
Who are you?
MR SLIME:
I’m Mr Slime and I represent the interest of the late Mrs Sidamoore’s beloved cat, Ginger.
CATHERINE:
Excuse me
MR SLIME:
It is quite clear from the passage which was just read that the intention of Mrs Sidamoore was to leave her entire estate to her beloved cat, Ginger
CATHERINE:
But I’m Catherine, Cat was the name which Grandma had for me
MR GREASE:
If I may intervene, I’m Mr Grease and I represent the interests of Beloved Cat, Mrs Sidamoore’s post man. He legally changed his name to Beloved Cat on Tuesday. He is the Beloved Cat which Mrs Sidamoore intended to leave her entire estate to.
CATHERINE:
This is ridiculous Grandma would never leave her entire estate to her postman or her cat.
MR GREASE:
My client was a loyal friend of Mrs Sidamoore for 2 long weeks. How dare you cast epergnes on the character of Mr Cat.
MR CREEP:
If I may call to the attention of the Executor that Mrs Sidamoore’s true intention was to leave her entire estate to my Clients. The Charity for Advancing Treacle or CAT for short. Mrs Sidamoore was an avid fan of treacle and it was her true intentions to leave her entire estate to the charity which she often called her beloved CAT.
CATHERINE:
Why are you doing this, its so unfair she wanted me to have her money. You’re simply trying to cash in with your ten percent.
MR SLIME:
I thought it was twenty percent.
MR GREASE:
So did I.
EXECUTOR:
Wait a minute, there is another clause here. Under no circumstances allow any money to go to lawyers. Well I think that’s…
F/X:ALL THE LAWYERS LEAVE TO THE SOUND OF CARS STARTING AND DOORS SLAMMING
EXECUTOR:
…conclusive.
SCENE 11. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Lawyers may have no morals but it’s reassuring to know that some people are prepared to fight wars to prevent death
SCENE 12. PMQS
PRIME MINISTER IS TAKING QUESTIONS IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS
SPEAKER:
Prime Minister
PRIME MINISTER:
This tyrant has killed his own people, killed his neighbour’s citizens through unprovoked warfare and is developing weapons of mass destruction. In order to protect our interests we have to invade.
SPEAKER:
George Sidley
GEORGE SIDLEY:
Thank you Mr Speaker. Prime Minister if you invade do you have an adequate reconstruction plan?
PRIME MINISTER:
No
SPEAKER:
Alan Dugshaw
ALAN DUGSHAW:
It is reported that there is no evidence that he possesses weapons of mass destruction, do you agree?
PRIME MINISTER:
Yes
SPEAKER:
James Sledge
JAMES SLEDGE:
If they posess no weapons of mass destruction and you do not have a reconstruction plan why are you invading?
PRIME MINISTER:
They are a unified country; they have low crime, an efficient social welfare system and are popular in the Middle East. They are making us look bad. Oh and terrorism, nearly forgot that.
SCENE 13. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Most people’s first experience with death usually involves their first pet.
SCENE 14. DEAD PET STORE
A SHOP KEEPER IS IN HER PET SHOP
F/X
HOP BELL
SHOP KEEPER:
Good morning
MOTHER:
Good morning
SHOP KEEPER:
Can I help you?
MOTHER:
Yes, we are looking for a pet for Ben here.
SHOP KEEPER:
I think we can help. Ben is it your first pet?
BEN:
Yes
SHOP KEEPER:
What sort of pet do you want?
BEN:
Bunny.
SHOP KEEPER:
A rabbit. Do you like the look of these ones?
MOTHER:
They’re adorable.
SHOP KEEPER:
Well as this is your first pet I think you should get one of these.
MOTHER:
What is that smell? That’s disgusting.
SHOP KEEPER:
Statistics show that eight percent of first time pet owners kill their pets. Therefore to test whether you are ready for a proper pet we give you dead ones.
BEN:
What’s wrong with the Bunny Mummy?
MOTHER:
How does that help? Can you put it away, please?
SHOP KEEPER:
If you can stop it rotting after two weeks then you can have a live one. We have to think of the animal’s welfare.
MOTHER:
I think we’ll go somewhere else.
SHOP KEEPER:
You’ll regret it when you’re looking after a dead Bunny!
SCENE 15. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Religion is a comfort to many people who deal with death especially if you know your possessions will go to a better place once you die.
SCENE 16. LAST RITES
A PRIEST IS ENTERING A HOSPITAL ROOM TO GIVE THE LAST RITES
PRIEST:
I’ve arrived just in time
DOCTOR:
Father, Joe is near the end, you don’t have too much time
PRIEST:
Can you hear me Joe
JOE:
Yes Father, can I make my last confession
PRIEST:
Of course
JOE:
Forgive me Father for I have sinned its been 2 hours since my last confession
PRIEST:
Two hours?
JOE:
The Priest came round for his weekly rounds.
PRIEST:
Okay, go on my son.
JOE:
In the last two hours I accidentally spilled some orange juice.
PRIEST:
In anger?
JOE:
No, I was having a heart attack. I was also rude to a nurse.
PRIEST:
What did you say?
JOE:
It’s not what I said; I didn’t get up when she entered the room.
PRIEST:
Joe you’re seriously ill, is there anything you want to confess before you enter the next world, and remember Joe, God’s servants are very busy so try to avoid trivialities.
JOE:
Father, I’m not Catholic.
PRIEST:
You’re not Catholic! Why did you have two confessions?
JOE:
I was being polite plus the NHS food is disgusting, could I have my bread and wine now?
SCENE 17. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Faith is little comfort on the battle field where humans, like comedians, have to continuously deal with the ever present threat of dying. But comedians die metaphorically while soldiers die literally, it’s a bad comparison.
SCENE 18. BATTLE
SARGE, MILLS AND LIPPY ARE ON A BATTLE FIELD
SARGE:
Mills, what’s the situation
MILLS:
Hicks is injured, Fellen is dead and Lippy has a cold
SARGE:
Lippy has a cold?
MILLS:
Its bad sir. We have no Lemsip and he’s feeling drowsy.
SARGE:
Where is he?
MILLS:
Over there.
SARGE:
Lippy, can you hear me. You have to hang in there.
LIPPY:
I have the sniffles sir, I don’t think I can make it.
SARGE:
Lippy, listen to me, you’re going to make it.
LIPPY:
Do you remember Iraq Sir?
SARGE:
Yes I remember
LIPPY:
It was so warm, (PAUSE) Sarge I think I’m going, please tell my wife I love her
SARGE:
Lippy hang in there damn it, I promise you that next week we’ll be diffusing IEDs in Iraq. Hang in there, Lippy
LIPPY:
I can see a log fire…its so pretty…
LIPPY DIES
MILLS:
He’s gone to the big Jacuzzi in the sky
SARGE:
They get younger all the time.
SCENE 19. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
One of the oldest professions in the world is based on dealing out death. It’s not the one you’re thinking about.
SCENE 20. ASSASINATION
ASSASIN:
It was two years ago that I was given this mission. Two long years it has taken me and I’m still no closer to achieving my goal. I haven’t completed my mission yet but I won’t stop until I have. I do not know my victim’s identity but I was given a name, Jones, and a location, Wales.
THE ASSASIN ENTERS A WELSH HARDWARE STORE
DAVID:
Can I help you miss.
ASSASIN:
Are you Jones?
DAVID:
No, I’m David
ASSASIN:
David Jones?
DAVID:
No, David David
ASSASIN:
But this is Jones Hardware Store?
DAVID:
Yes but he works on Saturdays
ASSASIN:
Where does he live?
DAVID:
Oh just up the road there on the hill
ASSASIN:
Any family?
DAVID:
Yes quite a large family.
ASSASIN:
Have any of them ripped off a drug baron?
DAVID:
I don’t think so
ASSASIN:
But you’re not sure?
DAVID:
No, do you want to purchase anything love?
ASSASIN:
Yes, could I have a spade, some rope, lime powder and a chainsaw please.
SCENE 21. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Death causes irrational fears like assasination. A common phobia is the dead coming back to life. It’s everyone’s nightmare unless of course the person coming back to life is Jesus.
SCENE 22. ZOMBIE
RADIO ADDRESS
NEWS READER:
Until the zombies are exterminated the government advises all citizens to stay indoors with the exception of Hoodies. Please secure all entrances and lock yourself in a room.
HOODIES ARE TORMENTING A ZOMBIE
STEVE:
Wow, he looks stoned. Are you high?
ZOMBIE:
(GROANS)
ADAM:
Hey man, kick him in the balls
CHRIS:
Ain’t it dangerous
STEVE:
Are you chicken man, kick the idiot
F/X:KICKS ZOMBIE IN THE BALLS
CHRIS:
Ow. He bit me. Bite this
F/X:CHRIS PUNCHES ZOMBIE
ADAM:
Wow, you punched his head off.
STEVE:
You’re in mad trouble now. You’re going to be smelling bacon soon
CHRIS:
I didn’t mean to…I…I…
ADAM:
Hey Chris, why are you rolling around on the floor?
CHRIS:
(GROANS)
STEVE:
Now Chris is high
ADAM:
It must have been from when he was bitten
STEVE:
Oh my God
CHRIS:
(GROANS)
ADAM:
Hey Chris! Bite me I want to get high
STEVE:
Me too.
SCENE 23.
NARRATION
NARRATOR:
In the ghettos of America there are people worse off than Hoodies who have to deal with the daily danger of death.
SCENE 24. G-DOG
TWO RAPPERS ARE TALKING IN THE ‘GHETTO’
MACFLOW:
Hey G-Dog what’s sup?
G-DOG:
Just chillin.
MACFLOW:
Dawg is that a new bullet proof vest
G-DOG:
It’s the new Sachi range, its got a place for my Ipod and automatically issues an album when I’m shot.
MACFLOW:
Man that’s cool. Where are your bodyguards?
G-DOG:
Ring Fence was shot on Saturday when I went to get some fried chicken; Brick House was arrested for GBH
MACFLOW:
Heavy
G-DOG:
Yeah but in his defence he told the child five times that he couldn’t have an autograph. Berlin Wall was taken ill yesterday and Little Joe ate too much pizza and can’t fit through his door.
MACFLOW:
Why are out here then
G-DOG:
The album’s not doing so well; I thought if someone shot me it might increase sales
MACFLOW:
I’ll shoot you
G-DOG:
You would do that for me
MACFLOW:
You’re my homie, of course I’ll do it
G-DOG:
You a good friend.
MACFLOW:
Ready
G-DOG:
Go for it
F/XAFETY ON A GUN IS SWITCHED OFF
G-DOG:
Dude aim for the chest not the hea…
F/X:GUN SHOT
MACFLOW:
Dude are you alright, dude.
F/XOUND OF CD BEING PRINTED
MACFLOW:
Genius, a new album
SCENE 25. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Most people can put up with death providing it’s not on their door step but when its at a sushi bar near you people get a little worried.
SCENE 26. RUSSIAN SUSHI
TWO RUSSIANS MEET IN A SUSHI BAR
VLADIMIR:
Hello Victor I’m glad you could meet me here
VICTOR:
Well you flew all the way over here to see me so it’s the least I can do.
VLADIMIR:
I understand that you are trying to blackmail Mr Rosko
VICTOR:
Vladimir that’s not the whole story. These are corrupt business men who killed our own citizens to justify a war which kills hundreds of soldiers every month.
VLADIMIR:
Victor, you realise that Mr Rosko will not sit idly by while you threaten to make public his past mistakes.
VICTOR:
I understand but what can I do, no one will employ me because I am former agent and every one in this country thinks I’m a conspiracy nutter.
VLADIMIR:
They won’t think that in a couple of days
VICTOR
ardon
VLADIMIR:
I said why haven’t you touched your sushi?
VICTOR:
In a minute, what should I do Vladimir?
VLADIMIR:
You look tired; I think you should get some bed rest
VICTOR:
You’re right; I do feel a little green
VLADIMIR:
Get some rest and in a couple of days you’ll be glowing like a pregnant lady, but you must eat.
VICTOR:
Yes Vladimir, that’s strange
VLADIMIR:
What is strange?
VICTOR:
This sushi is hot, must be a new way of making it.
SCENE 27. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Deadly innovations like radioactive sushi are common in today’s world. Throughout history People have invented new ways of killing each. One of the most dangerous has been the car.
SCENE 28. CAR CRASH CASH BONANZA
F/X:TWO CARS COLLIDE
ED:
Are you OK. I didn’t see you, you came out of nowhere.
JOHN:
I think I’m OK, Ow! My neck I think I have whiplash
ED:
Really, but I wasn’t travelling that fast.
JOHN:
Definitely whiplash and yep I think you have fractured my leg
ED:
How do you know?
JOHN:
I’ve done this; I mean I’ve done it before.
ED:
Hey are you one of those people who cause accidents to claim off the insurance.
JOHN:
How dare you suggest that? Barry can you believe the nerve of this guy?
BARRY:
Unbelievable
ED:
Who are you?
BARRY:
I’m Barry, I saw everything you came out of nowhere and rammed John.
ED:
You are trying to con me.
SAM:
Barry and John would never do that. I clearly saw you come out of nowhere and smash into John.
JOHN:
I think you’ve made me impotent as well. You insurer’s not going to be happy with you.
ED:
Fine, what are your insurance details?
JOHN:
I’m not insured why do you think I crashed into you?
SCENE 29. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Both technical revolutions and actual revolutions are usually the cause of bloodshed. Here’s a tip if you caught up in a revolution, wear the same colour you’re probably be safe.
SCENE 30. REVOLUTION
REVOLUTIONARY COMMUNISTS ARREST A CAPITALIST
COMMISAR:
Demetri get him against the wall.
DEMETRI:
Yes Commisar
COMMISAR:
You though you could get away with it, hoarding grain while the brave Soviet soldiers starve. Well your death will be another victory on the road to our communist paradise. Any last words you bourgeois swine.
ROMAN:
Err I thought I was a capitalist
COMMISAR:
You are a capitalist
ROMAN:
But you just said that I was a bourgeois swine
COMMISAR:
You are you can be both
ROMAN:
Well that hardly seems fair
DEMETRI:
I though he was a Bolshevik
COMMISAR:
Demetri, we are Bolsheviks
DEMETRI:
Aren’t we communists?
COMMISAR:
We are both, we use to be Bolsheviks now we communists
DEMETRI:
I thought we use to be the Proletarian Vanguard.
ROMAN:
Wait a minute does that make me a Gulag?
COMMISAR:
The Gulag is where you would be going but I am going to kill you
F/X:GUN SHOT
DEMETRI:
Why did you kill the Gulag?
F/X:GUN SHOT
SCENE 31. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
People die all the time but telling them that they are going to die does not get any easier.
SCENE 32. DIAGNOSIS
A DOCTOR IS DIAGNOSING MR FIRTH’S ILLNESS
DOCTOR:
I’m afraid its bad news Mr Firth. The surgery did not work and I don’t know quite how to tell you this but you are dead.
MR FIRTH:
Dead? But if I’m dead why am I still here talking to you?
DOCTOR:
That’s the good news; although you are clinically dead it does not appear to have had any adverse effects.
MR FIRTH:
But I’m dead
DOCTOR:
Yes
MR FIRTH:
And there is nothing you can do to make me better
DOCTOR:
Well no, you are only the second person in history who has had this condition.
MR FIRTH:
Second?
DOCTOR:
Yes the first recorded case was a man, of similar age called Jesus. You may have heard of him. Can I ask have you talked to God recently?
MR FIRTH:
Well when I was told I had cancer, I prayed a lot
DOCTOR:
But you haven’t talked to God on a personal basis?
MR FIRTH:
No
DOCTOR:
Well that rules out Second Coming Syndrome. Erm I suspect you want to tell your wife you are dead.
MR FIRTH:
Not particularly, I’d rather you tell me how I can be treated now I’m dead.
DOCTOR:
Phamaldehide usually works. Sorry that was a bad joke. I’m afraid Mr Firth we really can’t do anything for you.
MR FIRTH:
Nothing at all
DOCTOR:
Well you could take some paracetamol.
SCENE 33. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Doctors often highlight stress as being a major cause of death. Many people die because they succumb to the pressure of the Rat Race. If only everyone had a stress ball.
SCENE 34. RAT RACE
TIM IS HAVING A MEETING WITH MALCOLM
TIM:
Malcolm, it’s just not good enough.
MALCOLM:
I know Tim but I’ve been under a lot of pressure
MALCOLM:
We’ve been working on this for two bloody months solid and you haven’t delivered.
MALCOLM:
My doctor told me to take it easy, he told me to get out of the rat race
TIM:
Don’t do this to me Malcolm. I have to do this and you’re making me feel bad.
MALCOM:
Please Tim, I’m really sorry.
TIM:
I have to make examples or everyone else would slack off. We can’t have that can we Malcolm? Bend over Malcolm
MALCOLM:
I’ve learnt my lesson Tim, I won’t do it again. Please
TIM:
Take it like a man Malcolm, if you close your eyes it’ll pass quicker.
F/X:A LOUD SMACK
TIM:
What do we say?
MALCOLM:
Thank you Tim
TIM:
You’re welcome
MALCOLM:
Can I be excused Tim
TIM:
Yes Malcolm, oh and Malcolm next time you will…
MALCOLM:
Number the pages Tim
TIM:
Well done Malcolm.
SCENE 35. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Luckily most people die alone but the unfortunate sometimes die in large numbers by disease, natural disaster or even famine
SCENE 36. IRISH POTATOE FAMINE
TWO IRISHMEN FIND A POTATO
PATRICK:
Liam! Liam! Look I’ve found some potatoes
LIAM:
Thank God, I’m starving
PATRICK:
Wait Liam I don’t think they have a label on them
LIAM:
Not again, how will we know if there high in slat or fat without a traffic light system
PATRICK:
What type do you think they are?
LIAM:
They’re not King Edwards that’s for sure, Maris Piper maybe
PATRICK:
No I don’t think so, could be Ulster Prince, Golden Wonder, White Lady. Wait I know they’re Charlottes.
LIAM:
I like those how shall we cook them?
PATRICK:
Wait, here’s the sack they were in, ‘Charlotte potatoes, non-organic’
LIAM:
Damn it, there not organic. What can we eat now.
PATRICK:
I think there’s some cheese strings over there.
SCENE 37. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Many individuals and groups work to save people. Death is often avoided through the efforts of the brave like fire-fighters, police men and bomb diffusers.
SCENE 38. BOMB DISPOSING
WILLIAM:
Yeah Frank you were right it’s a mark 2 Johnson. HQ says you should go for the red wire, I repeat go for the red wire.
FRANK:
I’m not sure Will, there are five red wires
WILLIAM:
HQ has the manual in their hands and is 100% certain you should cut the red wire.
FRANK:
I’m telling you Will, there are five red wires.
WILLIAM:
It should have a blue wire, two green wires, a brown wire and a red wire.
FRANK:
Should I cut all the wires because they’re all red
WILLIAM:
Negative Frank. Standby…Can you describe the bomb to us?
FRANK:
Yes it has a red casing, red circuit board and the explosive is dyed red
WILLIAM:
I’m pulling you out Frank; we’ll get someone else to look at it
FRANK:
OK but they’ll tell you the same thing.
FRANK LEAVES THE BOMB AND IT IS DIFFUSED BY SOMEONE ELSE
MARTIN:
Cutting the red wire, bomb diffused.
WILLIAM:
Thanks Maritn. Frank I think we have to talk
FRANK:
OK
WILLIAM:
Frank we are going to have to let you go, to be honest we only hired you because of the equality legislation but you’re now endangering yourself and other people.
FRANK:
Oh I’m fired now just because I can’t diffuse a bomb
WILLIAM:
Its part of your job description Frank
FRANK:
You’ll be hearing from my solicitor, firing me because I’m black it’s unbelievable.
WILLIAM:
Frank, your white, we’re firing you because you colour blind
FRANK:
Am I?
SCENE 39. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Once people die they go to Heaven or Hell depending on what they were like in real life. Saint peter is the bloke who decides who gets in and who doesn’t
SCENE 40. PEARLY GATES
SAINT PETER:
Welcome to the Pearly Gates, your name is.
ED:
Ed, what just happened.
SAINT PETER:
You died, date of birth
ED:
March the 8th 1973, how did I die?
SAINT PETER:
Eggs
ED:
Eggs?
SAINT PETER:
You got Ecoli from an egg and died. Earthly residence
ED:
Farnborough, Kent. So I got in Heaven
SAINT PETER:
If every thing checks out yes.
ED:
Sweet, what did I get in for?
SAINT PETER:
Good behaviour, specifically you brushed your teeth every day.
ED:
Brushing my teeth?
SAINT PETER:
Hygiene is very important, we can’t stink up heaven or else it wouldn’t be heaven would it. Religion?
ED:
Christian, Church of England.
SAINT PETER:
Just checking the computer, it takes a minute, any questions?
ED:
Is God a man or a woman?
SAINT PETER:
Well you can’t define god as…
ED:
Is there something wrong?
SAINT PETER:
Can’t let you in with trainers.
ED:
What
SAINT PETER:
No trainers, it’s a Heaven policy.
ED:
Can I take them off
SAINT PETER:
No sir, step behind the rope sir,
ED:
But where can I go?
SAINT PETER:
You can go to hell sir.
SCENE 41. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
To try and stop people dying and going to heaven the government issues public information adverts, bloody nanny state, as it recognises that some activities are dangerous and could lead to death. To combat this they issue safety adverts to warn the public.
SCENE 42. SAFETY ADVERTS
GIRL:
Hit me at 40 miles per hour and there’s an 80% chance I will die. Hit me at 30 miles per hour and there’s an 80% chance I will live. Hit me at 20 miles per hour there’s a, carry the 1, 90% chance I will live. Hit me at 10 miles per hour in a 4x4 with bull bars there’s a 73.4% chance I will die but a 100% chance that your children in the back seat will be fine. The new 4x4 Farm Rover from Cord motors. If your children are safe who cares about others?
JOE IS DRINKING WITH ROGER
JOE:
Roger, do you want a drink.
ROGER:
No thanks I’m driving
JOE:
Go on, its only one drink.
ROGER:
Alright then,
TIME PASSES
JUDGE:
Roger Frederick Smith, you are accused of several charges. Driving under the influence how do you plead?
ROGER:
Guilty
JUDGE:
Exposing yourself in public
ROGER:
Guilty
JUDGE:
Racing Grannies
ROGER:
Guilty
JUDGE:
High Treason
ROGER:
Guilty
JUDGE:
Tax avoidance
ROGER:
I didn’t do that when I was drunk
JUDGE:
Sorry, that’s a charge against your barrister. I hope Mr Smith that you’ve learnt your lesson.
ROGER:
Yes you honour I will never drink again.
JUDGE:
No we want you to drink or else the government wouldn’t make any money, just don’t drink and drive.
ROGER:
Oh. OK.
SCENE 43. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Like lawyers, then you’re an idiot, oh sorry I read that wrong I’ll start again. Like lawyers some of the biggest companies in the world make money out of death
SCENE 44. ARMS ACROSS AFRICA
VOICE OVER:
Give a man a fish and he will feed for a day. Give a man an AK 47 and he will shoot lots of fish
F/XOUND OF AN AK47 BEING FIRED
VOICE OVER:
Give a man an AK 47 and he can defend his land and family. Give a man a weapons cache and he can become a warlord and defend a lot of land and people. So help us spread arms across Africa.
SCENE 45. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Political events in Africa have shown that racial tensions can lead to death in extreme cases. In Britain these tensions are growing.
SCENE 46. THE KBP
DRYSTAN:
I’d liked to call to order the first meeting of the KBP. I think everyone here knows why this group was formed. For years now we have tolerated a flood of immigration into our country. We have been increasingly marginalised and have in effect become a minority in our own country. It has to stop. I say we should send them all back. Brietta
BRIETTA:
Thank you Drystan. It is disgusting the state this country is in. Our traditions have been ridiculed and sidelined yet we have to respect the religion and rituals of other. I say we make a stand; KBP is the only party which has the guts and the will power to stand up to these, these trespassers.
DRYSTAN:
I think we all agree with Brietta on this point. We have been stretched to breaking point and we’re not going to bend over any more. We are going to Keep Britain Pure! Keep Britain Pagan! We’ll drive the Romans, Anglo-Saxons, Vikings and Normans into the sea. Who’s with me!
F/X:CHEERS
SCENE 47. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
So that was death explained in a nutshell. I think the important thing to remember is that we’ll all going to die probably sooner rather than later. Hope you enjoyed the show.
END