Witch hunt

Another doorstep-sketch. A classic set up! If anyone can think of a good replacement for Terry's Neopolitans in this sketch, I'd love to hear it.

EXT. A DOORSTEP - DAY

Two smartly-dressed young MEN knock on a door. It is answered by AGNES, an old lady.

AGNES
Yes?

MAN 1
Hello, yes, this is just a courtesy call really. We're in the area organising a witch hunt...

AGNES
Really? How exciting.

MAN 1
Yes, you might have noticed in recent times that petrol prices have gone through the roof, the property market is in decline, there was a three headed calf born in the next village along and you remember those little, individually wrapped chocolates... um...

MAN 2
Terry's Neopolitans. They were great, like tiny chocolate bars, all different flavours.

MAN 1
Yeah, Neopolitans, you can't get them any more. Why? Nobody really knows...

MAN 2
Nobody.

MAN 1
...but we suspect witchcraft. So we're hunting witches, and we have a couple of questions for you, if that's OK. Um, firstly, are you a witch?

AGNES
No.

MAN 2
You are an old lady though.

AGNES
Yes I am.

Man 2 marks this down on a CLIPBOARD.

MAN 2
...is an old lady.

MAN 1
Excellent. And do you have a supernumerary nipple with which you suckle your demonic familiar?

AGNES
No.

The men look at each other.

MAN 1
Tell you what, I'm going to put "yes" down here.

MAN 2
Cos if we don't, they might not let us burn you.

MAN 1
And to be honest, everyone's saying no to that one.

MAN 2
It's doing my head in.

AGNES
Burn me?

MAN 1
Oh yeah, sorry, better check: are you flammable, yes or no?

AGNES
Um. No.

The men look at each other again for a moment.

MAN 2
...yeah, I'm going to put "yes" again if that's ok.

He studies the clipboard for a second.

MAN 2 (CONT'D)
Well, congratulations, you're a witch. If you'd like to pop down to the town centre at around lunchtime on Sunday we'll get you burned.

AGNES
Well, if I must, I suppose I must.

The men and Agnes stare at one another for a while.

AGNES (CONT'D)
Was there anything else?

MAN 1
What do you think?

AGNES
Oh, ok, fine.

She brings out a box of Terry's Neopolitan. The men are delighted. They pick a chocolate each.

MAN 1
Cafe au lait! Brilliant! See you Sunday!

They set off down the path.

SKETCH ENDS.

Very nice, great characterisation, and Neapolitans where did they go?

Awful punchline though. Obvious as it may seem I think you're best off making her a witch, or having a witch appear or soemthing like that.

That fact she has Neoplolitan is supposed to suggest she IS a witch. Darn. Needs more work...

It's a very good skit, I mean the Neapolitans is good. Maybe she says

"and how about a suck on my 3rd nipple to wash them down?"

Heh, that's not a bad idea.

Just a thought, if you want to 'suggest' that she is a witch, do you think it would help if when she goes to get the choccies her black cat runs out the door and the men see a broomstick resting up in the hallway? Wouldn't require any extra dialogue but would show what you want to show.

Good skecth by the way!

I didn't like this as much as your other ones, James.

I think the woman accepts her fate a little too easily. I kept anticipating a twist to turn it on it's head.

What if while they wait for the chocolate, they look at a washing line in the garden, on which hangs a bra with three cups?

Why, is that a witch thing, having three tits?

Supernumary nipple, yeah, for feeding their evil cats.

Quote: James Harris @ July 3 2008, 9:55 AM BST

Supernumary nipple, yeah, for feeding their evil cats.

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If there was a thread for best posts taken out of context, this would be on the first page.

Amusing sketch, although I agree that it might be better if she were more obviously a witch, even down to the big black pointy hat.

But if she's obviously a witch all the way through, then shouldn't the men be blind to that and be advising that she answer "no" to all the questions?

Or maybe there's two sketches in here. One like that, and tweak this one so they're just going to burn an innocent old lady.

The 3 cup bra is ace, as is the broom stick (maybe floating off the ground?)

I like this sketch, but the ending is maybe a little too subtle. I have made a suggestion.

Quote: James Harris @ July 2 2008, 5:59 PM BST

The men and Agnes stare at one another for a while.

AGNES (CONT'D)
Was there anything else?

MAN 1
What do you think?

AGNES
Oh, ok, fine. {I DO NOT REALLY GET THIS LINE OR THE PREVIOUS ONE, AND THEY SEEM TO BREAK THE FLOW, I WOULD JUST HAVE THE MAN SAY SOMETHING LIKE, No, I think that's everything.}

She brings out a box of Terry's Neopolitan. The men are delighted. They pick a chocolate each. {THIS COULD DO WITH MORE DIALOGUE TO EXPLAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING. SOMETHING LIKE:

AGNES:

Would you boys like a chocolate?

MAN 2

Terry's Neapolitans!}

MAN 1
Cafe au lait! Brilliant! See you Sunday! {OKAY, MY SUGGESTION TO TOUGHEN UP THE PUNCH: MAN 1 CONCLUDES THIS SENTENCE BY SAYING 'RIBBIT', AND LOOKS PUZZLED, AS HE AND HIS FRIEND WALK DOWN THE PATH THEY CONTINUE SAYING RIBBIT TO ONE ANOTHER, AND START WALKING WITH AN INCREASINGLY ODD GAIT, CROUCHING AND JUMPING.}

They set off down the path.

SKETCH ENDS.

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Yes, Timbo has taken the time to make all the suggestions that I would have made