Best friend traitor

I wrote this for the intention of been filmed, it was filmed yesterday, it wasn't too bad, personally the bloopers were funnier.

SCENE. INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.

MATT is standing in the kitchen looking worried.

TIM enters the room.

MATT:
And where do you think you’ve been?

TIM:
Oh me? I was out.

MATT:
Were you with Alan? Please say it wasn’t Alan.

TIM:
We may have had a few at the local, yeah.

MATT:
(Holding back tears) That’s our local man!

TIM:
What the hells wrong with you?

MATT:
Oh nothing, just you’re seeing other best friends behind my back!

TIM:
I wouldn’t do that, you know I wouldn’t.

MATT:
(Getting intense) Well tell me one thing. Did you go on the touch screen catchphrase game together? Tell me the truth!

TIM:
(Looking down) We may have played a few games, but it was nothing, he can’t guess catchphrases like you!

MATT:
(Still holding back tears) Oh don’t give me that crap!

TIM:
(Calming down) He wants to meet you; we can all go to the pub together as friends

MATT:
(Bursts out crying) You sick f**k! (MATT slaps TIM around the face)

END.

Hi Paul

Sorry but I didn't really find this funny at all and it was more like a scene from a drama. A bit of pathos and perhaps juxtaposition of boyfriend girlfriend theme slightly amusing.

But if they are gay characters then (IMO) there is no real comedy here at all

The pacing was fine and the dialogue believable but nothing that tickled my funny bone.

However I'm aware that one of your last pieces flew straight over my head but that I found it funny once I got the joke as it were. (Alice Tinker Syndrome)

So if I'm being a pratt again, I apologise.

Ok I had a feeling people might find this confusing, the last line.

"He wants to meet you; we can all go to the pub together as friends"

it's ment to be intense more than anything and performed like a man asking his wife "why dont we invite her to our bed" or something like that and matt feeling betrayed by him even thinking that and digusted... hence the slap round the face.

I thought that this was probably what you were going for and in that case I think it's a bit too subtle and needs some development to bring out the humour.

What about if Tim who was out with Alan started to hint that Alan was better company or played catchphrase better than Matt?

That would introduce potential conflict and with this comedy borne out of bitchiness and jealousy (both rich sources) could be introduced. As the characters are not gay then the pettiness and juxtaposition of their expected 'normal' roles in society would perhaps stand out more.

Otherwise I think it's a bit too subtle and lacks any real laughs in its current form.

Of course this could be total bollocks that I'm talking but it's just how the piece felt to me.

Cheers B

It really is something that has to be seen really, but I understand if you don't like it.

I had to work under the constants of only having 2 actors a basic setting and no offence to my mate in any way but a poor actor so I had to have him as the "straight guy" no pun intended.

Quote: paul watson @ February 14, 2007, 5:17 PM

so I had to have him as the "straight guy"

View original

Arrghh

It's not that I don't like it Paul it's just that I think maybe you could develop it more.

its one of those sketches Im not massively bothered about so I may just leave it as generally average/below standard.