http://petermusgrove.com/2008/07/01/a-fine-romance/
Any suggestions please
Ashley and Cheryl. A modern day love story.
Not too bad. The joke gets repeated a few times with nothing new happening though.
And you really need to sort out your use of apostrophes.
"Residents" not "Resident's".
Either "entertainment" or "entertainments" not "entertainment's"
Oh, and capitalise 'Adidas'.
Apart from that it's OK.
Hmm good style, but the final shagging line is a bit course.
It's ok, but you haven't chosen a hugely funny subject, and there's no real conclusion.
Many thanks for the grammatical advice Afinkawan, it's sorted.
And can I ask either of you, does the fact that the relationship is going OK and that it's just a mad resident imagining it all coming across strong enough ? . She is obsessed at people leaving the house due to her husband leaving her in similiar circumstances...Is this obvious enough ?
No, which is a shame as it's a very strong idea,
a strong idea which I suspect is also very hard to do.
She'd still be Mrs Moore, too.
And I wonder if the last par would be better as a direct quote, which could help you make your point more explicitly.
You are right about the shagging bit at the end Sootyj, I have taken it out. Perhaps I need to make the fact that it is all in the residents mind more obvious. I implied at the end that she had spent the whole weekend outside Richard Burtons house watching him and Taylor come and go but perhaps I need to somehow make it more obvious that Ashley and Cheryl are just having a regular day...i.e He is going to training in he morning, she is going shopping at Waitrose etc etc.
Thanks Graham, Mrs it now is. Yes, you are right, she is someone who would not have reverted back to her maiden name.
I think it came across vaguely that it might have been in her head. It wasn't obvious as it seemed more like someone who was just a busybody making something out of nothing. If it really is entirely in her head, then I think some of the things she says happened need to be a bit more outrageous.
Quote: Norman Wisdom @ July 1 2008, 10:40 AM BSTdoes the fact that the relationship is going OK and that it's just a mad resident imagining it all coming across strong enough ?
Completely. Although I'd rather see a Sky News reporter or similar the target of this joke as busy bodies don't threaten to dull the minds of millions (despite having the same attitude to exaggeration)