Sitcom - appraisal welcome

Hello, this is my first post but I'm sure you'll all be honest and let me know how you feel! I ain't a freeloader either - I will start helping others soon enough.

Anyway - this is the first scene from a pilot I'm working on called 'The Joke's On You'. the setting , hopefully, will be obvious and i'll just let you see what you make of the plot and the jokes.

I've had some tentative interest from two producers (one more keen than the other) so I'm looking to really tighten it up and see where I can take it. I'm thinking around 9pm on BBC Two/Channel 4, possible even BBC Three.

Here it is:

The Joke's On You

INT: Joke Shop – DAY

Skimmer is unpacking a large box. Moldoon is in the background, drinking a cup of tea.

Moldoon:

Need a hand?

Skimmer:

What do you think?

Moldoon:

I think that tea is burning my mouth but I shan’t stop drinking it.

Skimmer:

But you’ll burn your mouth.

Moldoon:

No, not me. I’m wearing a special mouth insulator – ideal for when you need to drink something hot in a hurry. Now that's what I call aliteration!

Skimmer:

Well are you going to give me a hand or not?

Moldoon:

Give you hand? Oo-err, I don’t think I shall!

Skimmer:

Not like that!

Moldoon:

Like what?

Skimmer
Look, I have had it right up to the top of my cranium with your lackadaisical approach to the work environment yeah? Get your nonsense-ass over here and help me with unpacking this incredibly large and heavy box.

Moldoon

Okay, I will.

Moldoon walks over to the box, he has one hand in his pocket and his other hand (the right one), grazes his (left) leg.

Skimmer:

Right, reach down and open that side will you?

Moldoon:

This side?

Skimmer:

No! That side!

Moldoon open the other side and out pops a six foot model of simon cowell. Moldoon jumpos back and shouts in horror.

Skimmer:

The joke’s on you!

Modoon:

For c**t’s sake, that gave me one f**k of a shock! Twat!

Skimmer:

Language, or I’ll have Simon give you the thumbs down. Sorry, you’re just not right for this competition…

Moldoon:

Sometimes I think I’m not right for this mad house!

{PAUSE}

Skimmer

Oh no, I forgot. A new delivery is coming in from the joke warehouse and we’ve only got ten minutes to clear the shop.

Moldoon:

Well, if you expect me to help you then…the jokes on you.

CUT TO:

I take it you are going for zany, but it all seems incredibly random. Without having some clue where you are going with is, I think I can only say, huh?

This reminds me of something David Firth would do in one of his cartoons.

It's funny if you like that kind of thing(which I personally do), but I don't think it works too well in a sitcom format as it doesn't really leave much space for story or character development because nothing makes sense.

Welcome to the forum, David.

It probably sounds funny in your head, but it doesn't translate to paper or in this case, screen. It looks like one of my first efforts but there's a lot more to comedy writing than you think.

I'd advise getting some comedy scripts from favourite shows that are available and books on writing comedy. You should find them a great help.

Possibly one of the cleverest things on here in a while.

This line gave it a way a bit though :

Well are you going to give me a hand or not?

Give you hand? Oo-err, I don’t think I shall!

Only an avatar of Ray Stokes would have been less subtle

Have you REALLY had interest from 2 producers?

To me it lacked jokes, and had a clanging 1970s innuendo in it.

And the title? . . . Hmmm, yes we'll see.

Quote: davidmoreton @ June 30 2008, 10:36 PM BST

i've had some tentative interest from two producers (one more keen than the other)

View original

Are these guys locked in your basement? Cause you scare a man hard enough and he'll say anything.

Hmm it's banter, and the jokes aren't that strong, and the characters weak, in my opinion.

This is a rare example, where I can't think of an area you could improve.

Sorry.

Guys, he's trolling. Has to be. Look at the title. Don't rise to it.

I think you should use the word 'c**t' at least three more times.

hey guys - thanks for the feedback. even negative stuff can be turned around and used to improve writing. so, thanks.

in answer to the questions; a couple of producers are interested, one from the bbc (i was in halls with him at uni - good contact!) and also someone else from a quite well known prod comp. it is early days, but i've managed to get meetings with both of them and i think my sell on the visual style helped.

dave bussell - sorry man, i don't get it. maybe you shoudl relax a bit?

anyway, i've put up another scene and would genuinely appreciate some more feedback. even if people dont like it, i still think feedback is valuable as it can help spark new ideas and perspectives.

INT. JOKE SHOP – DAY

Muldoon is eating an oversize pack of crisps. Skimmer is fiddling with a faux-sausage

Muldoon:

You and your hostages

Skimmer:

What?

Muldoon:

Oh, I just said hostages didn’t I? Random slip up or Freudian exposition, yeah?

Skimmer:

More like yoghurt for brains!

Muldoon:

You know what, yeah? I reckon you’ve got some kind of issue with my chillaxing.

Skimmer:

Oh lord!

Skimmer and Muldoon return to their activities. The shop door opens and in walks a bookish, but attractive girl – Melanie

Melanie:

I’m looking for a whoopy cushion?

Muldoon:
(to himself)

Shall I? No, too easy.

Skimmer:
(to Melanie)

Well we do have a selection on offer. Are you looking for smell release, or an old school sound release only?

Melanie:

I like people to smell them.

Muldoon:

What the c**t?

Melanie:

Deal with it Captain Sensible.

Muldoon looks highly uncomfortable and walks backwards into the simon cowell stand, shocking him

Muldoon:

Shitting f**k wank!

Melanie & Skimmer together:

Language!

Muldoon storms out.

CUT TO:

Fool me once...

Quote: davidmoreton @ July 1 2008, 10:41 AM BST

dave bussell - sorry man, i don't get it. maybe you shoudl relax a bit?

View original

Don't be fooled by the avatar. I'm cool as the other side of a pillow stuffed full of cucumbers.

ok, that's cool dave - i thought i might have caused offense. hope i'm still not a troll!

also, re the extract: does anyone have any feedback regarding the simon cowell influence. i want to build it up as a running gag, almost like he's a character. are there any copyright issues with this? one producer i spoke to was unsure and is apparently finding out. i dont think it shoudl be a prob?

one more thing; i want to build up melanie into a strong female character. is this coming across?