Spoilt Kid

INT. A DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY

There is the doctor, dressed as you would expect a doctor to be, with a stethoscope around his neck, a man who is dressed in cashmere and the like so he looks wealthy and speaks with a snobbish voice, and a little girl who is aged about 8 wearing a fancy dress sat on the bed.

DOCTOR
The nurse should be through in a moment with the results of the blood test

LITTLE GIRL
What is that thing around your neck?

DOCTOR
Oh, this? This is my stethoscope that I use to listen to people's hearts

LITTLE GIRL
I want it

DOCTOR
I'm afraid these are for doctors only

LITTLE GIRL
I want it! Daddy! Get it for me!

DAD
How much for the stethoscope doctor?

DOCTOR
It's not for sale. I need this

DAD
Name your price. My little pumpkin gets everything she wants

The nurse bobs her head round the door and hands the doctor a clipboard. The doctor looks at the board for a moment.

DOCTOR
Why on earth did she want HIV?

Dark, dark humour. I love it!

Wow dark, surprising, funny, and a quick twist in the last line that caught me out.

May need to chnage to TB if sending to broadcast media.

Otherwise it's ace more please.

Nice. I think it needs a tiny bit of escalation. Perhaps one more thing she demands and her father tries to buy, just to set it in stone for the punchline. Perhaps trying to buy the nurse as she comes in with the test results?

Gotta say, no the pacing is about the most perfect I've seen here in some time.

It feels like it's going in one direction 9whiny spoilt kid), and bang it's in a much darker place.

Could picture it on an especially nasty late night radio show.

I think it works but the HIV left a bit of a sour taste in the mouth that far outdid any humour derived from the joke. I suspect that is a personal thing though, but a different virus/disease (gonorrhea or something) may be funnier. (I can't defend why, though!)

Dan

Nah not at all , the hiv but is good. for some reason i see it being hilarious enough to have more of a build, just repeating the girl getting what she wants. it almost feels too sudden. But still terrific.

I reckon the suddeness is why it's so good. Like a boxer who wins with one punch.

I really liked it.

I would suggest using "Aids" instead of HIV, as it's a more intrinsicly funny single syllable word, and has history of being used in jokes (bad Aids etc) whereas HIV is seen, for no reason I can fathom, as a more serious topic.

I'd have thouht giving Aids to a child would put up some barriers to the sketch going anywhere serious.

I too have been struggling with the Aids/Hiv reference.

What if it was changed to.......

DAD
Name your price. My little pumpkin gets everything she wants

The nurse bobs her head round the door and hands the doctor a clipboard. The doctor looks at the board for a moment.

DOCTOR
I see, and was it you that was with her when she wanted genital warts.

It's probably just me, but the HIV line - which I assume is being used ot imply the child has been raped at some point - doesn't work, not because it's too dark, but because it's trying to load too much into one joke. Instead of laughing at the genuinely amusing premise, I'm thinking 'how did an eight year old girl get HIV?'.

I'm sure I won't win any friend with this suggestion, but perhaps it should be something straight forward but horrible like cancer?

I wish I could get through ONE day without advocating giving a small girl cancer.

I think I agree with Jonathan21 on the cancer thing. I didn't consider how she got HIV because I thought the line was funny. 'genital warts' definitely sends it into the realms of paedophilia. But cancer seems like a good plan.

Korsacoffs syndrome (related to alcoholism)
Collapsed veins (heroin usage)
Sex change

What other horrible things can we give this fictional 8 year old in the name of fun?

I don't think giving cancer to a child is particularly funny either...not when the target is only 8 are done little wrong.

Why not make her 12, more of a little shit, and make her pregnant?