I know a lot of people believe that 'the first draft of everything is shit' which is something Graham Linehan said (though that exact quote was said by someone else, I think) but lets be honest, a Graham Linehan first draft is still going to be really damn good.
Anyway, I don't think you can ever say 'Oh, it's not been re-written'. It should still have lots of good gags in it, which this didn't, for me.
Hopefully the formatting should set a precedent for future posters!
'Be more funny'. Right you are.
I did not have a problem with cancer and my Dad died from it. It all depends on how you handle it. The hug and the line about the shark worked really well for me there in setting a bitter-sweet tone. But I think that having bumped Jeff off you are stuck with him. He has to be more to each of the other characters than just a plot device for bringing them together in the first episode. I know it does not quite work with the scene you have written, but have you considered having him in a relationship with Sue? Sue's attempts to move on could then be a plot engine for the whole series. (It is all coming together in my head!)
By the same token I think if you are going down this road the whole episode has to revolve around the funeral.
As has been agreed, the girls worked better than the boys, but the beginnings of characterisation are there. However getting the dynamics of the relationships sorted out in a way that keeps all four characters in play is going to be a challenge I think. You seem to be pairing of the most caricatured female with the least caricatured male.
Unsurprisingly for a rough first draft, there are places where the writing could be a lot slicker. The explanation of how Owen came to be in the quiz team is clunky, and the small talk gag stood on its own, you did not need to explain it.
But there is potentially the start of something here.
BTW. "Women? Can’t live with ‘em. (SILENCE)" is a Norm joke from Cheers. Sorry.
Is it? If something is funny, more than one person will come up with a variation on it.
Cheers for the other comments. This start was really just to get the characters to begin gelling in my head and see what other people thought before spending weeks writing an entire pilot which turned out to be drivel. I quite like the idea that Sue was involved with Jeff. I'd probably have it as a past relationship rather than one which was current when he died though. Worth a ponder.
I'll probably start again from scratch and see what happens.
I liked this. The characters are likeable and/or enjoyably unpleasant and the dialogue feels right.
Probably bad suggestion: have Jeff as an onlooker at the funeral, talking about his friends in less than sympathetic terms
Possibly good suggestion: Perhaps these slightly mismatched people could make a communal pledge to, say, win the regional pub quiz championship (or something) 'As Jeff would have wanted', creating tension and a framework for the rest of the series.
Or should noob-boy here just f**k off?
I have no problems with the cancer story-line. Cancer is a part of life. Having a character die of cancer is not having a go at anyone and is not offensive. All comedy, from clowns to satire, has to include the painful things in life, whether it's facing mortality or your car's wheels falling off.
I did consider having Jeff as an occasional voice over but wasn't sure it would work or that it might seem a bit crap.
The idea of winning the regional pub quiz being a plot driver is a good one though. If I stick with them being a pub quiz team, I may just use that. Cheers.
That's what I thought Dolly, that's why the idea never even occurred to me. Thanks for adding your comment.
I didn't like the cancer jokes, but they grew on me.
*Ahem*... taxi?