Stag

New version down below. Struck-through version retained for posterity.

1. INT. Cabaret-style nightclub, like the Windmill but without the filth. A stage with lampshaded tables scattered around a dancefloor.

A group of fey-looking male dancers in top hats (think Lionel Blair, but camp) tap across the stage to "Putting On The Ritz."

CUT TO:

2. INT. One of the tables. Around it are half a dozen suicidally bored-looking men in their mid to late-20s, in Saturday night gear, including TEZ and DEAF PETE.

TEZ
This is shite. This has got to be the worst stag do I've ever been to. And it's my own. Ninety miles we've come for this. What the bloody hell were you thinking of, Deaf Pete? Some best man you are.

DEAF PETE
You're an ungrateful sod, Tez. I spend ages finding this place ... and all you can do is sit there with a gob like Ann Widdecombe's gynaecologist on smear day. (beat) It was your bloody idea, anyway.

TEZ
What? What do you mean?

DEAF PETE
Weeks I spent tracking this place down, Tez. Three months ago, you're all "Oh, let's all go to the hottest tap dancing bar in England." Wish I hadn't bothered now.

TEZ
I hate you, Deaf Pete.

END.

I think with sketches with a single strong idea, where you know the punchline before you start writing, it is best to get there as quick as possible, if only to stay one step ahead of the viewer.

I would go through this and look at what you can lose, e.g. the Ann Widdecombe joke, and what you can imply rather than spell out, e.g. rather then call him Deaf Pete, give him a hearing aid.

That's the way I would do it anyway, not that I know anything.

Sketch put through the Timbo filter.

1. INT. Cabaret-style nightclub, like the Windmill but without the filth. A stage with lampshaded tables scattered around a dancefloor.

A group of fey-looking men in top hats (think Lionel Blair, but camp) tap across the stage to "Putting On The Ritz."

CUT TO:

2. INT. One of the tables. Around it are half a dozen suicidally bored-looking men in their mid to late-20s, in Saturday night gear, including TEZ and PETE.

TEZ
This is shite. This has got to be the worst stag do I've ever been to. Why the bloody hell did you bring us here?

PETE
What do you mean? Three months ago, you're the one who's all "Oh, let's all go to the hottest tap dancing bar in England."

TEZ
I hate you, Deaf Pete.

END.

Fair enough, Timbo, you win.

Lol I really liked this one Mr Bandage!

The edited version is deffinitely better imo - there was some superfluous dialogue in the original I have to say, but it wasn't a serious problem to me, it works very well as a gag either way.

Yes, I think that's a big improvement. But then I would say that...