Hello everyone, so I've been writing this with Stewart Marshall and I have written out my first draft of the first episode. I didn't attach a brief of characters but to make reading easier Rob is very simple and adoraby pathetic - takes a lot of crap. Bax is an emotionally unstable, camp guy who is undergoing an identity crisis. Wilson is a retired actor who still does stand up but loves to tell stories of his grand experiences in new york etc.
I should note here
THE FORMAT,SPELLING AND GRAMMAR IS NOT PERFECT!
THE FORMAT,SPELLING AND GRAMMAR IS NOT PERFECT!
THE FORMAT,SPELLING AND GRAMMAR IS NOT PERFECT!
THE FORMAT,SPELLING AND GRAMMAR IS NOT PERFECT!
THE FORMAT,SPELLING AND GRAMMAR IS NOT PERFECT!
Format especially, its all over the place.
As I am expecting to change a million and one things as usual and don't go crazy with anything else until the script is good enough to be tarted up. Shoot me down dead if it isn't the done way!
Any feedback would be terrific. I should note that this is also a very SCOTTISH TYPE OF TV SHOW and I am aware of the already existing comedy barrier between regions. I hope you will like it thought...right..here it is!
Humour First: Episode 1.
INT- WELL DRESSED BOSS MIKE SITS WITH MARY AT A TABLE, HE HAS PAPERS IN HIS HAND AND A BRIEF CASE. MARY SITS AT THE OTHER SIDE LOOKING UPSET.
MIKE:
Everything considered Mary. I'm not quite sure what I can do for you. What I am looking for is someone who wants to work hard.
MARY:
I have worked hard Mike! I have, you know I have.
MIKE:
Sorry Mary, but according to all of this-
MARY:
What? What is that?
MIKE:
According to this-
MARY:
-Have you been writing things down about me?
MIKE:
It's essential that that bad patterns of behaviour don't go unnoticed. Listen, I know you are going through a lot, but I just can't keep you. I'm afraid I'm letting you go.
MARY:
Well Mike...I'm speechless.
MIKE:
Well if there's anything I can do..
MARY:
What?You're breaking up with me..here!
MIKE:
Shh Mary!
CAMERA REVEALS THAT WHAT WAS ASSUMED TO BE A BUSINESS ROOM IS ACTUALLY A TABLE IN A SMALL CHILDREN'S LIBRARY. MIKE IS NOW REVEALED AS HER FACT-OBESSED BOYFRIEND RATHER THAN BOSS.
MARY:
-in a f**king children's library..
MIKE:
It's a mutual place, I thought it would be best.
MARY:
We share a flat you dick.
MIKE:
Sorry. I'll get my things tommorow.
THERE IS A PAUSE. HE AVOIDS EYE CONTACT.
MARY:
PULLING A COLOURFUL GRAPH FROM MIKE.
What's that?
MIKE:
No, Mary that's nothing-
MARY:
-Mary Vs Jenna correlational study of oral sex benefits, what the f**k-? What the f**k is a banjo string?
HE LOOKS AT HER ASHAMED.
Jenna..Mike..
Well that explains where the fancy new suit has come from.Very nice, still own this place does she? Where is she?
MIKE:
She's not in.
MARY:
Bullshit is she. I'll go look for her myself shall I? Jenna!
A FEW CHILDREN LOOK UP AT THE DRAMA
MIKE:
Mary please!
MARY:
TO A SMALL CHILD
Hello darling, can you tell me where the cock-sucking whore section is?
MIKE:
Mary!
JENNA ENTERS, SEES MARY AND BOWS HER HEAD.
MARY:
Oh no bother there she is. Jenna, there you are, here.
HANDS HER THE GRAPH
Congratulations on your above average blow job.
JENNA:
Hi Mary
MARY:
Well your reputation most definetly exceeds you.
JENNA:
Mary please.
MARY:
That'll be that's the highest score you've got since your BMI index you cow.
JENNA:
Mary-
MARY:
-Oh shut your face Mike, I'm leaving.
SHE GOES TO EXIT, TURNS
.. For what it's worth Mike, I am sorry it had to end this way, I wish you all the happiness a cheating bastard can have. Chin up Jenna...both of them.
WALKS OUT, A BEEPING NOISE GOES OFF. ALL WE SEE IS A BOOK BEING FLUNG BACK IN TO THE LIBRARY.
FADE IN:
JOURNALISTS LARGE AND RICH OFFICE - AFTERNOON
(INTERVIEWER, PAUL, DONNIE)
INTERVIEWER:
(MAGAZINES OF DONNIE ARE THROWN DOWN IN QUICK SUCCESION TO CREATE A MOVING PICTURE OF DONNIE BEING FOLLOWED BY CAMERAS THROUGH A CLUB, IN TO A TOILET WHERE THE DONNIE'S TOILET DOOR IS BROKEN DOWN, RESULTING IN DONNIE TURNING AND PUNCHING THE CAMERA MAN.
Pace, Track, Tommorow, Marked, HotBot, Starbox, Jumpup, Junkmum, Flash and Tootytoy and the Comedian's Comedy.Being a fresh celebrity comedian must be exciting for you Mr Kelvin?
(CAMERA SWITCHES TO DONNIE WHO HAS A BLACK EYE)
Naw...
MR REEVES:
No?
DONNIE:
I'm camera shy.
MR REEVES:
Oh well, don't you worry, the readers of Uptown World will simply adore you! Now then Mr Kelvin-
DONNIE:
None of that, it's Donnie..
MR REEVES:
Ooch no, you'd make me feel too special to concentrate! So Mr Kelvin, I'd like to start by asking you a few questions, firstly if we could ask you about the title of your show this year.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR
I'm so sorry! Come in.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR AGAIN.
Come in!
MUSICAL KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
Will you please come in!
(PAUL ENTERS LOOKING SHEEPISH)
MR REEVES:
Who are you?
PAUL:
Terribly sorry Mr Reeves, I've been sent from downstairs to tell you.
SEES DONNIE AND LOOKS NERVOUS
It's...Oh..em.
MR REEVES:
What is it?
PAUL:
It's Donnie, I mean Mr Kelvin sir.
MR REEVES:
What about him?
PAUL:
...he's a virgin.
MR REEVES:
What?
DONNIE:
This is my mate Paul, Paul sit on your arse.
PAUL:
His face about fell off!
MR REEVES:
(NOT IMPRESSED)
He travels with you does he?
PAUL:
SITTING DOWN UNGRACEFULLY, TAKING OUT SNACKS FROM HIS BAG AND EATING THEM (WATSITS, SNICKERS, COKE)
Aye, just fir the banter and whit needs done.
MR REEVES:
The roadie are you?
PAUL:
Naw, I'm a musician anaw, just got the band together.
(SHOWS THE T-SHIRT WITH A FAT WOMAN CRYING ON IT)
We are the 'Souls on the Dole'.
MR REEVES:
Lovely
PAUL:
(PASSING DONNIE A SNICKERS.)
Camera guy says you can't wear your stripey shirt, stripes are coming up fuzzy.
DONNIE:
Whit?
TO MR REEVES
Up and down stripes, make you look slimmer.
PAUL:
Try dieting you fat bastard.
DONNIE:
I am!
(biting the head of the snickers.)
PAUL:
Aye are ye.
DONNIE:
TO MR REEVES
So you've got questions aye?
MR REEVES:
Well yes of course! Let's start shall we? You have started
making appearances on TV. That must
feel good?
PAUL
Aye, its good.
MR REEVES:
The question is for Mr Kelvin?
DONNIE
Aye, it's good.
PAUSE, THUMBS UP, HE HAS NO REAL ANSWER
Good.
MR REEVES
(Writing keenly)
You are twenty eight this year?
PAUL:
OFFERING DONNIE SOME COKE
Still a virgin mind.
DONNIE:
F**k you, yes please.
TAKES THE COKE.
Aye, I'm 28.
(DONNIE GIVES A WARNING LOOK TO PAUL AND WAVES OFF THE COMMENT TO MR REEVES.)
MR REEVES:
Also, what you think of the newest addition to the music scene, the Webster brothers? They are fast becoming the magazine's favourite.
(MR REEVES SHOWS THEM A MAGAZINE WITH TWO CLEARLY WEALTHY LOOKING POSH BOYS, ONE HOLDING A CELLO AND ONE HOLDING A VIOLIN.
PAUL STARTS LAUGHING)
(DONNIE EMBARRASSED.)
DONNIE:
Paul, will you keep it shut!
MR REEVES:
(CLEARLY UNHAPPY WITH PAUL)
Mr Kelvin?
DONNIE:
em...no comment.
PAUL:
(POINTING AT THE PICTURE OF THE WEBSTER BROTHERS)
Look at those two fannies, look at that mug, what's wrong with him? Time of the month sweetheart?
MR REEVES:
GIVEN UP ON THE INTERVIEW
Right! Right, well I think that's all we need, thank you for coming Mr Kelvin and Paul, good luck with the dole..
PAUL:
SHOWING HIM THE SHIRT AGAIN TO INTERVIEWERS DISGUST
Souls on the Dole.
MR REEVES:
Right yes, good luck with that too. I'll show you out.
( ALL WALK TO THE DOOR )
DONNIE:
Thanks a lot Mr Reeves, will you be coming to my show?
MR REEVES:
Ah,unfortunatly I will not, my partner and I are to attend my sister's birthday party.
PAUL:
Your partner? Does that mean you-
DONNIE:
-That's a shame. Well I hope you both have fun.
MR REEVES TRIES TO SHUT THE DOOR
MR REEVES:
Goodbye gentleman.
PAUL:
EMPHASIS ON THE WORD PARTNER (Cant do italics on this forum!)
Are you sure that you and your partner wouldn't like a spare ticket in case? Would do you think Donnie? We could fit Mr Reeves and his partner in couldn't we?
MR REEVES:
No thank you. All the best.
CLOSES THE DOOR
Tosser.
FADE TO:
---------------------------------------------------------------------
INT- CORRIDOR OF MAGAZINE BUILDING.
PAUL:
Did you see him? He hates me.
DONNIE
I hate you, your going to end me up in shit treating people like him that way?
PAUL:
I was only having a laugh.
DONNIE:
Yeah well, next time stay in the bus or go to a pub or something.
PAUL::
Oh come on, he brought it on 'my partner and I', like we can't accept that he's gay? It annoys me, if its a guy you say it's a guy, you don't go marching half way through Brighton in rainbow gay pride underwear for all to see and then call your man your partner. They ought to make up their bloody minds that lot.
DONNIE:
Did you need to take the piss though? Look at you, you hardly look like you'd welcome 'his kind' in open arms Paul unless it's to 'straighten them out'.
PAUL:
Alright, calm down. It'll never happen again Mr Kelvin, now can I take a piss and go for a pint?
DONNIE:
Aye, hurry up then.
(PAUL LEAVES, CAMERA FOLLOWS HIM AS HE WALKS TOWARDS THE POSH TOILET WHERE AN OLD UNIFORMED TOILET ATTENDANT STANDS OUTSIDE HANDING OUT TOWELS, HE TAKES THE TOWEL AND PRETENDS TO RUN AND STEAL IT, BUT HANDS IT BACK TO THE STARTLED OLD MAN POINTING WITH A JOKEY 'Haa!!'.)
Tosser.
Scene 3
INT DOCTORS WAITING ROOM:
MARY SITS IN THE WAITING ROOM. SHE SIFTS THROUGH MAGAZINES HEADLINERS APPEAR SUCH AS 'HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT IN A WEEK' , 'MR MOTIVATOR HITS TV SCREENS' AND FINALLY 'TITANIC SINKS'. CONFUSED SHE PUTS THEM DOWN.
RECEPTIONIST:
You can go through now.
MARY GETS UP
INT DR CASS'S OFFICE, THE DOOMING MUSIC PLAYS AS THE CAPTION 'PSYCHIATRIST OFFICE' APPEARS AS THE CAMERA ROLLS OVER OBJECTS ON THE DESK, HYSTERICAL CRYING CAN BE HEARD.
SUDDENLY THE CAMERA SWITCHES ON TO MARY WHO IS STANDING LOOKING CONFUSED.
Hi?
DR. CASS:
CHAIR SPINS ROUND. DR CASS IS A YOUNG BLACK WOMEN WITH MASCARA SMEARED DOWN HER FACE BUT A TOOTHY SMILE INDICATES SHE ISUNAWARE OF HER MESSED UP MAKE UP.
Hello! Mary is it? This is your first time, sit down sit down.
MARY
Yep.
DR. CASS
How do you feel about that?
MARY
POINTING TO HER FACE..
I don't know... ehm, you have some..some?
DR CASS:
I'm sorry?
MARY:
Some, I don't know just black there.
DR CASS:
MISTAKING IT FOR A JOKE ABOUT HER SKIN COLOUR,
What sorry? aha!
LAUGHS
Very funny, black and black, very good!
MARY:
Yeah.
DR. CASS
Now, your GP wrote here that you here 10 months ago verging on
critical bulimia, is that right?
MARY
Yeah.
DR. CASS
10 months, what took you 10 months to see me?
MARY
You wouldn't see me. You said I had a drinking problem.
DR. CASS
How much were you drinking?
MARY
Four vodkas, on a friday.
DR. CASS:
Well you should know anything more than three is
abusive, Mary.
MARY
Is it?
DR. CASS
It is.
MARY
Is it?
DR. CASS
TAKING THE PHOTO OF HER AND HER HUSBAND OUT OF THE FRAME AND CASUALLY STARTS CUTTING IT IN HALF.
It is.
SHE STOPS CUTTING
MARY
I cut myself.
DR. CASS
Do you?
MARY
No.
DR. CASS
Great! And do you still drink heavily?
SHE STARTS TO SCRAWL ON HER HUSBANDS FACE.
MARY
No.
DR CASS:
ADDING 'CHEATING CUNT' TO THE PHOTO WITH 'CUNT' BLURRED OUT.
Excellent news Mary well done-
MARY:
-I can't take the calories.
DR CASS:
IGNORING MARY
I'm so glad you're better.
MARY:
INSISTING ON ATTENTION
I'd throw it all up.
DR. CASS
The important thing is that you're
getting better.
Well in that case well done! From how it looks you have pretty much recovered from the critical peak of your disorder.
MARY
I'm not sure I have..
DR CASS:
Well Mary, don't fret. I have a book for you to
read.
MARY
Your sending me off with a book?
DR. CASS
REACHING FOR THE BOOK IN HER DESK.
Not just any book. It's written by someone who knows what you are going through. Here we are. You can get through it like she did.
SHOWS PICTURE OF AUTHOR WHO LOOKS VERY OVERWEIGHT AND UGLY. MARY'S FACE GRIMACES.
This book, and here is a reading list, I've marked off the ones you should read with a smiley stamp.
MARY:
This is depressing. I'm so, so depressed.
DR. CASS
Suicidal?
MARY:
I am now.
DR CASS:
Ah well that's different. Read this book too.
STAMPS ANOTHER SMILEY FACE ON A BOOK CALLED 'A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH (death is bad)'. MARY WALKS TO THE DOOR AND TURNS TO SEE DR CASS HOLDING THE EDGE OF THE HUSBAND'S PHOTOGRAPH WHICH IS NOW BURNING.
It's good to see you again Mary
MARY SMILES CONFUSED.
.
CUT TO:
INT. BUS & FIONA'S FLAT - MOMENTS LATER
(FIONA, MARY)
THE CAMERA SWITCHES BETWEEN MARY ON A BUS TALKING ON THE PHONE TO FIONA, AND FIONA IN HER FLAT WHO IS COMICALLY TAKING LOADS OF MEDICATION TO SATISFY HER HYPOCHONDRIAC NATURE. SHE IS DRESSED IN A NIGHT GOWN, PLASTIC GLOVES.
MARY
Arghh!
FIONA
INHALES A NASAL CLEAR STICK.
That's why I don't trust health services, full of inaccuracies, they don't care.
MARY:
I'm that frustrated Fiona, she was meant to help me.
FIONA
Sorry pet, look just ask to see another doctor.
FIONA TAKES ANOTHER PILL WITH SOME WATER.
MARY
What was the bloody point in it? Mike's dumped me, I'm supposed to try and do stand-up comedy tonight and no one cares about me, not even the psychiatrist.
FIONA
Come on Mary, you've done it without out her so far you can-oh bloody hell!
SHE NOTICES A WINDOW IS OPEN AND RUSHES TO STOP THE 'DEATHLY' DRAFT
MARY:
You okay?
FIONA:
That bloody window was open, that's me got the chills anaw. I knew I'd need those lemsips.
MARY:
You don't need lemsips for an open window Fiona.
FIONA:
Oh aye would do I need?
MARY:
To shut the bastard window!
FIONA:
Oh you don't understand, I'm ill.
MARY:
You're a hypochondriac.
FIONA:
You leave the long words to the lesbians.
MARY:
SMILING
How is the new lady?
FIONA:
She's not my girlfriend yet but she will be.
MARY:
DIRTY TONE IN HER VOICE
Oh yes?
FIONA:
SMUG TONE IN HERS
Oh yes.
MARY:
SLIGHTLY ORGASMIC
Oh yes!
FIONA:
CHURCHILL STYLE
Oh yes!
MARY:
EVEN MORE ORGASMIC
Oh yes!
FIONA:
CHURCHILL STYLE
Oh yes!
MARY:
AND EVEN MORE ORGASMIC
Oh yes!
FIONA:
LOUDER CHURCHILL STYLE
Oh yes!
MARY:
CLIMAX
Oh YES!
FIONA:
See you later darling.
MARY:
Bye.
A MOTHER LOOKS ON HORRIFIED WITH HER SON. MARY SHUFFLES IN HER SEAT AWKWARDLY.
Sorry... telephone survey.
AS HER SON TURNS TO HER AND SON WHO IN A STATE OF DUMB STRUCK JOY, SHE HITS HIM OUT OF HIS DAYDREAM.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. THE CLUB, CORRIDORS - EARLY EVENING
(PAUL, DONNIE)
DONNIE PACES BACK AND FORTH, WHISPERING JOKES TO HIMSELF. PAUL
APPEARS.
DONNIE
How far is too far?
PAUL
What's the joke about?
DONNIE
Hitting a woman?
DONNIE STARTS TO WALK AWAY. PAUL FOLLOWS.
PAUL
Too much damage, some feminist will come after you like terminator with tits.
DONNIE
Aye your right.
TECH:
Hey Donnie, here is your coke and your chicken mayo baguette, if you need anything else just let me know.
DONNIE:
Cheers, Terry you're a star.
PAUL
Is that your wee boyfriend?
DONNIE
F**k off.
PAUL:
Well I never see you wae any lassies!
DONNIE:
I'm not bloody gay!
PAUL:
Here, go stand on the stage so I can get the focus on this thing right.
DONNIE WALKS UP THE STAGE. PAUL LAUGHS AT HIM AS HE USES THE CAMERA ON HIM.
PAUL:
Ha..Fat.
DONNIE:
How is that?
PAUL:
Right, camera on and-ah pish.
DONNIE:
What?
PAUL:
You've broken it you ugly munter.
DONNIE:
Is it working?
PAUL:
Aye it's fine. Got a few hours yet, fancy another pint?
DONNIE:
Aye go on then. Let me finish this.
DONNIE EATS HIS BAGUETTE, PAUL CLOCKS STEPHEN WATCHING DONNIE.
PAUL:
LAUGHING:
Oh he likes that.
DONNIE:
What?
PAUL:
He's watching you eat that imagining its a big cock.
DONNIE:
You need checked.
PAUL:
Stick your tongue in the chicken.
DONNIE:
Why?
PAUL:
Cause if you start eating the chicken out the bun it looks like your eating out a fanny instead.
DONNIE LAUGHS.
Do it!
DONNIE DOES SO. STEPHEN LOOKS DISAPPOINTED.
Kinky wee gay boy.
DONNIE EATS THE BAGUETTE AS HE WAS, STEPHEN PICKS UP AGAIN.
DONNIE:
Right, Ive lost my appetite lets go.
PAUL TAKES THE BAGUETTE TO STEPHEN
PAUL:
Here, finish yourself off. Lets go.
THEY START TO WALK OUT.
===================================================================================================
.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE STREET - EARLY EVENING
(MARY, FIONA)
MARY AND FIONA TRAVERSE THE STREETS.
MARY
You didn't have to walk me up-
FIONA
Just wanted to make sure you didn't
chicken out.
MARY
Like I'd do that.
CUT TO:
INT. MARY'S FLAT - EARLIER
(MARY)
MARY GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR.
MARY
Nah.
WALKS AWAY FROM THE DOOR.
CUT BACK:
MARY:
Why would you not do stand up?
FIONA:
I hate crowds, hate being centre of attention. Comedy is something I'd rather enjoy than learn how to make.
MARY:
Well if it doesn't go well, atleast I can say I've done it.
FIONA:
It's what you say about most things, guys especially.
MARY SMILES
MARY:
Cow.
PAUSE
I hate guys.
FIONA:
Me too.
MARY:
But I really hate them. Why are all men such wankers?
FIONA:
No idea, but they all think they're God's gift.
MARY:
And the way that they are always too proud to just say how they feel.
FIONA:
It's just men, they're all idiots.
MARY STOPS WALKING
MARY:
Want to know what really annoys me?
FIONA:
STOPS WALKING ALSO.
What?
MARY:
All men are sexist bastards.
** NOTE TO READER- THE JOKE THERE WAS THAT MARY AND FIONA ARE BEING SEXIST THEMSELVES, IS THIS CLEAR????***
FIONA:
Agreed. Well there it is. How are you feeling?
MARY:
F**k.
FIONA:
Don't worry come on in. Hey, look who you are on with. Terry Wilson, he's hilarious! I saw him last year. God Mary, these guys are really good. I bet the backstage banter will be brilliant.
DOOR MAN:
How many?
FIONA:
Table for one, wine for five.
POINTING TO MARY
This one is on tonight.
MARY:
I'm the open spot.
DOORMAN:
Ah right, Mary, yeah no bother, you go through that curtain there. Good luck.
FIONA:
On you go!
MARY:
God, I'm going backstage.
FIONA:
It'll be great!
TO THE DOORMAN.
I bet it's dead good back there, comedians must talk about the most exciting stuff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE CROWD ARE BUZZING, EVERYONE LOOKS HAPPY AND EXCITED AS THEY TAKE DRINKS IN, SWITCH TO
BACKSTAGE AT THE SEAT-SILENCE EXCEPT FOR BAXTAR STRUGGLING TO OPEN A PACKET OF BISCUITS. ROB SITS CHILD LIKE WITH HIS LEGS CROSSED SLOWLY TRYING TO BUILD A PYRAMID FROM THE THE PLASTIC QUENCH CUPS WHILE MAKING RIDICULOUS NOISES FROM CONCENTRATION. WILSON ENTERS IN A DRESSING GOWN WITH THE PRESENCE OF A PROUD STAGE ACTOR .
BAX:
Biscuit anyone?
ROB:
Does it have a wafer in it?
BAX:
No.
ROB:
No thank you.
BAX:
There's some jam ones.
ROB:
Do they have wafers?
BAX:
No.
ROB:
Oh..no.
WILSON:
Gentleman, the cold water nozzle is no longer in f**king function. Where is Bax?
ROB:
Don't know. Does that mean that we have no water?
WILSON:
MOVES TO A MIRROR WHERE HE STARTS TO COMB HIS HAIR BACK
It means that I am on the bastard downslope. This water cooler is the shining beacon of the end of my career.
Oh take me back New York.
MARY KNOCKS OVER THE PAPER CUP PYRAMID BY OPENING THE DOOR.
MARY:
Hello. Sorry.I'm Mary, I'm an open spot.
WILSON:
Hello Mary, I'm Wilson. This is Baxtar and Rob. There's a seat over there.
SHE SITS DOWN, THE SILENCE STARTS MAKING HER FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.
MARY:
So...How long have you all been going?
BAX:
Too long.
NONE OF THEM LOOK HER IN THE EYE. SHE IS AWARE THAT SHE IS CAUSING SOME AWKWARDNESS. BAX BITCHILY TURNS HIS BACK ON HER TO WILSON AND STARTS TO DISCUSS THINGS THAT MARY CAN'T COMMENT ON.
Wilson what did Lucy say to you about Peter's gigs in Northampshire?
WILSON:
The ones he's filling in for Jason?
BAX:
Yes, remember the ones he swapped temporarily with Mark Runner for.
WILSON:
Mark Runner is doing Peter's Northampshire gigs.
BAX:
James would laugh. Hoho.
WILSON:
Hoho.
MARY:
Sorry, who is James?
THERE IS A SIGH FROM BAX. WILSON HOWEVER REPONDS PROUDLY.
WILSON
An old friend of mine, close like a brother.
ROB:
He's dead Wilson.
WILSON:
What? The bloody hell he is!
BAX:
No, Greg showed me the paper, suicide. In fact, here it is.
WILSON:
Oh dear. An overdose..oh James, you attention seeking bastard.
ROB:
I'll mark it on the wall.
ROB GOES TO THE WALL AND MARKS OFF A TALLY ON THE WALL. 3 OF THE WALLS ARE TALLIED HEAVILY
MARY:
What's that?
ROB:
The death wall.
WILSON:
Theres 3, suicide, chemical abuse and miscellanous...most of them are rather creative.
MISCELLANOUS WALL HAS TEN TIMES MORE TALLIES THAN THE OTHER TWO.
BAX:
Mary would you like a biscuit?
MARY:
Oh no thank you.
BAX:
So is that it? I bought two packets for you lot and none of you want any. What's wrong with them?
ROB:
I only like ones with waf-
BAX
You all hate me...
WILSON:
Shut up Bax.
BAX:
No Wilson, I've got something to say! I am trying so hard to get on with you after that night in Wales and you still keep shunning me and my efforts.
WILSON SITS CALMY NOT TAKING HIS EYES OFF HIS PAPER, WHILE ROB DOESN'T PAY ANY ATTENTION WHAT'S SO EVER. MARY HOWEVER BECOMES FROZEN WITH FEAR AT BAX'S RAGE.
WILSON:
Don't upset yourself.
BAX:
I heard about what you said about me to Rob last week.
ROB:
What?
BAX:
Rob you were there, he called me a bastard.
ROB:
I can't remember.
BAX:
Of course you do you little bastard! Don't try and cover it up!
WILSON:
I never called you a bastard Bax.
BAX:
Well either you called me a bastard or Rob is stirring things up. One of you hates me.
STARTS TO CRY
MARY:
Are you okay?
BAX:
Shut up you whore!
ROB:
Come on Bax, don't be mean to the open spot.
BAX:
Don't patronise me you big ugly oger! I hate you! I hate you!
THROWS THE BISCUITS AT HIM IN A SCREAMING RAGE.
WILSON:
Are you done?
BAX:
You're the worst comedian I've ever met.
WILSON:
Pardon what did you say?
BAX HITS THE WATER COOLER AND STORMS OUT. THERE IS A SILENCE, WILSON WITHOUT TAKING HIS EYES OF THE PAPER CHECKS THE WATER COOLER TO SEE THAT AFTER BAX'S BEATING THAT IT IS NOW WORKING.
Oh lovely. Good show, Bax.
DOORMAN:
Right, gentleman, curtain is opening, open spot first. Are you ready Mary.
ROB:
Good luck Mary.
'LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, PLEASE WELCOME MARY MACDOWALL!'
SHE WALKS ON THE STAGE REMAINING PETRIFIED. MOMENTS LATER BAX WALKS BACK IN WITH A CHILDISH PETTED LIP.
WILSON:
Are you feeling better now?
BAX:
I'm sorry.
WALKS AND GIVES HIM A CUDDLE.
WILSON:
HOLDING HIM AS THEY PEER THROUGH THE CURTAINS.
The open spot is on.
BAX:
SMILING CHILDISHLY
I like her.
WILSON:
I'm sure she likes you too.
ROB:
You called her a whore Bax.
BAX:
Pfft, she knows I was kidding. It was funny wasn't it?
WILSON:
Yes it was funny.
BAX:
Wilson?
WILSON:
Yes Bax?
BAX:
I love you.
WILSON:
Of course you do. Everyone loves a comedian.
ROB:
Watercooler is broken again.
WILSON:
Piss off Rob.
Title Edited By Paul Watson