Boating Lake

1. EXT. A BOATING LAKE

BRIAN AND LAURA ARE IN A ROWBOAT. BRIAN HAS SET THE OARS IN THE RESTS.

BRIAN

Laura...

LAURA

Yes, Brian?

BRIAN

I have something to ask you.

HE TAKES OUT A SMALL BOX AND OPENS IT. THERE IS A RING.

LAURA

Oh, Brian.

A GRAPPLING HOOK LANDS IN THE BOAT.

BRIAN

What the?

A SECOND ROWBOAT PULLS ALONG SIDE. IN IT ARE TWO MEN. ONE IS WEARING A TRICORN HAT AND HAS A HOOK INSTEAD OF A RIGHT HAND. THE OTHER, WHO IS ROWING, HAS A SPOTTED SCARF TIED ROUND HIS HEAD AND A PATCH OVER ONE EYE. THE MAN WITH THE HOOK IS WAVING A CUTLASS.

HOOK

Avast there! Lower ye colours and stand by to be boarded.

BRIAN (IRRITATED)

Ha ha, very good.

HOOK (POINTING THE CUTLASS AT HIM)

Laugh at me will ye, ye lubber?

PATCH

Look Cap'n!

PATCH POINTS AT THE RING.

HOOK

Treasure!

HOOK SNATCHES THE ENGAGEMENT RING AND GLOATS OVER IT.

BRIAN

Now hang on...

PATCH

This be a rich prize, Cap'n.

HOOK

Aye, that it be.

HOOK GRABS LAURA BY THE HAIR AND HOLDS THE CUTLASS TO HER THROAT.

HOOK

Ye doubloons, or the wench be food for fishes.

BRIAN

I don't have any doubloons...

LAURA

For God's sake Brian give him your wallet.

BRIAN RELUCTANTLY HANDS OVER HIS WALLET.

Are ye making sport of me? There be no doubloons here.

LAURA

Take the credit cards. Take the credit cards.

BRIAN

Laura!

PATCH

Cap'n, that plastic be no use without a PIN.

HOOK

Be that right?

2. EXT. BOATING LAKE

THE ROWBOATS HAVE BEEN LASHED TOGETHER AND A PLANK LAID ACROSS THEM. BRIAN IS STANDING ON THE PLANK, HIS HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK.

BRIAN

Look, this is just silly. I am not giving you my PIN.

HOOK PRODS HIM WITH HIS CUTLASS.

HOOK

Then walk ye son of a sea cucumber.

BRIAN

Now be reasonable...

HOOK PRODS HIM AGAIN, SO HE IS TEETERING ON THE EDGE.

BRIAN

Okay, okay it's 249...

HE HESITATES. HOOK PRODS HIM.

BRIAN

...3

HOOK GLEEFULLY GIVES A FINAL DECISIVE PROD AND BRIAN FALLS IN THE LAKE. THE WATER COMES UP TO HIS WAIST.

BRIAN

Can we go now?

LAURA (TO HOOK)

Take me with you.

BRIAN

Laura!

LAURA

I long to escape this corseted existence. To experience the freedom of the open... pond.

HOOK

Aye ye'll make a fine pirate lass!

PATCH (WINKS)

That ye will.

PARKEEPER (OOV)

Come in No 23. Your time is up.

HOOK

Bugger. It be the bluecoats. Row ye lubber.

PATCH, WHO HAS UNLASHED THE BOATS, BEGINS ROWING.

LAURA

Goodbye Brian. Do not think too ill of me.

BRIAN IS LEFT STANDING UP TO HIS WAIST IN WATER, HIS HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK. A SHARK FIN CIRCLES ROUND HIM. HE SIGHS.

ENDS.

I like this. Maybe the last line could just be a tut and a "typical".

I rather like, it's delightfully silly, has pirates, and good characterisation.

Maybe could be a touch tighter, but otherwise top stuff.

Thanks. I might reconsider the punchline, and, yes it could be tighter. I did not put much work into this, as, to be honest, I was not sure it was worth it. With these silly ones I never know whether people will think they are funny.

Quote: sootyj @ June 28 2008, 2:18 PM BST

I rather like, it's delightfully silly, has pirates, and good characterisation.

View original

I thought the pirates would sell it to you.

There's rich material here. Needs tightening up a little as everyone said, but it kept me entertained. Excellent.

It's also a good skit.

But unexpected pirates are a little common.

You might do well, to give it a surprise punchline.

Submarines in the pond?

Quote: sootyj @ June 28 2008, 2:33 PM BST

But unexpected pirates are a little common.

View original

You might do well, to give it a surprise punchline.

How about at the end, as he is standng in the water, a shark fin circling him?

Hmm, might be overegging the pudding...

I decided to go with the shark fin. (And I've done some editing.)

shark fin is horrible -why leap from nutters in pond to a completely surreal situation in the last few seconds?

i'd have the fin (if you must) but it's on the back of a bloke with flippers and a snorkel - keeps it within the realms of possibility.

Quote: Pete @ June 29 2008, 2:19 PM BST

shark fin is horrible -why leap from nutters in pond to a completely surreal situation in the last few seconds?

i'd have the fin (if you must) but it's on the back of a bloke with flippers and a snorkel - keeps it within the realms of possibility.

View original

Yeah, Pete, cos up to then it was like "The Wire."

its was people acting like pirates - if you're going to then leap to sharks in a lake why not have a few dinosaurs run past too.

He's already done that one.

Quote: Graham Bandage @ June 29 2008, 11:43 PM BST

He's already done that one.

View original

I have too!

I have to say I like the dress down friday one better.

How about "well that was unexpected. It's usually Highwaymen round here"