Grammar Nazis

I have the feeling opinions may be split right down the middle :-)

Let me know what you think. It's for radio.

Cheers

Dan

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GRAMMAR NAZIS
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EXT. WAR ZONE. NEWS REPORTER IS TALKING TO THE HEAD OF AN INVASION

REPORTER:
You join me here on the front line as Grammar Nazis have invaded New Technology-land. I'm here with the head of the invasion, General Eroteme. Could you explain why you have invaded?

GENERAL EROTEME:
It is a time to bring purity to our once-great language by punishing those taking liberties with the rules. Violence is the only language these people understand. People having problems deciding between parentheses and commas in a sentence? Add one of our specialist techniques and they soon know the answer.

REPORTER:
Internet forum users, principal perpetrators of these heinous crimes, are being hunted down. Violators of spelling and grammar are made to suffer unnecessarily anal punctuation at concentration camps.

F/XHOUTS AND SCREAMS IN THE BACKGROUND.

GUARD:
Concentrate, you idiots! Concentrate harder! HARDER!

REPORTER:
The infamous secret blogger 'N-Frnk' hid for two years in a subforum before she was betrayed by some sophisticated and unfeasibly well-documented spyware.

N-FRNK:
Before I didn't even use capital letters, let alone commas. I didn’t understand full stops period. (WAILING) Now they're trying to teach me how to use an *ellipsis*...

THERE IS A LONG PAUSE

N-FRNK:
(UNSURE) See?

F/XOUND OF SOMEONE BEING HIT WITH SOMETHING HARD AND A SCREAM.

GUARD:
No! Too long! Do you hear? Do it again!

PERSECUTEE 2:
Stop hitting her with that exclamation mark!

F/XOUND OF SOMEONE BEING HIT WITH SOMETHING HARD AGAIN AND ANOTHER SCREAM.

GUARD:
Bang!

PERSECUTEE 2:
Alright. Stop hitting her with that bang!

GUARD:
That’s better!

REPORTER:
Her journal stills exist online somewhere, though she assures me it is completely unreadable. Other persecutees refuse to bow to the demands of the Grammar Nazis.

STUBBORN PERSECUTEE: thisisterribleandshouldbestoppedimmediatelyif
wedontwanttouseanyformofpunctuationweshouldnthavetoiveneverusedit
andnooneshadnyproblemsunderstandingwhativehadtosayeveritsalways
perfectlycleariwillkeepthisupforaslongasihavetoyoucantmakemebreak
nazisneverneveryouhearme

F/X:FALLS DOWN BREATHLESS, GURGLES A BIT AND MOANS IN PAIN TRYING TO CATCH BREATH

GENERAL EROTEME:
A lot of them make a rod for their own back.

REPORTER:
What are all those people doing kneeling down there?

GENERAL EROTEME:
'They're, Their and There Education’: they're going to learn that their pain receptors are there. (BEAT) It’s a method OFSTED have recommended to some schools, you know.

REPORTER:
Oh. (BEAT) And that horrific enclosure in the corner?

GENERAL EROTEME:
It's where the text-speakers go. They're beyond help!

F/XCREAMS AND CRYING IN BACKGROUND, ACCOMPANIED BY THE BEEPING OF MOBILE PHONE KEYS

GUARD:
What's this? Hyphenate! HYPHENATE! And you! The digit ‘eight’ should never be used IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORD!

GENERAL EROTEME:
They have great trouble with their vowels; do you think they’ll ever be able to control their colons?

TEXT PERSECUTEE:
(SHOUTS FROM DISTANCE) It's for the eyeline of a smiley!

F/X:WHIPPING NOISE

TEXT PERSECUTEE:
Stop! I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! (CRIES)

GENERAL EROTEME:
Nobody in this enclosure can speak in lines of greater than 132 characters.

REPORTER:
Really? (PAUSE) Do you punish *all* mistakes?

GENERAL EROTEME:
Our language must remain pure. Mistakes are not tolerated.

REPORTER:
But parts of language are subjective. Couldn't some of this appear... 'overzealous'?

GENERAL EROTEME:
(ACCUSATORY) Did you just throw 'air quotes' at me?

REPORTER:
Me? (SWALLOWS NERVOUSLY)

GENERAL EROTEME:
You just used an objective personal pronoun as a complete sentence. As a question no less!

REPORTER:
What?

GENERAL EROTEME:
Interrogative pronoun with no subject or predicate! That's a confinement offence! Guard! Take this charlatan away!

F/XOUND OF GUARD DRAGGING REPORTER AWAY

REPORTER:
(DISTANT) No! No! I've got a degree in English and everything! I'm a grammar fascist myself!

F/X:CELL DOOR SLAMMING SHUT AND BEING LOCKED

CPT’N CONTRACTION:
Right boy! I'm Captain Contraction. First lesson: ‘Why the ampersand is wrong in every way.’ Bend over!

END

The general idea is sound but if its written for radio then certain lines won't work like the line with no grammar and the their, there and they're bits because you can't hear those bits. You need more audio jokes e.g. when they are being tortured someone shouts eeeeee and another iiiiiii then the general says 'i before e.' Also you probably want to decide if it's satirical, e.g. anti-bush stuff or surreal e.g. this world is crazy! If you're aiming at at radio 4 audience i would cut the concentration camp bit and add more grammar jokes.

I thought it was excellent. I'd imagine a lot of the stuff like "their, they're, there" and the unpunctuated sentence will come out with the performance - e.g. the emphasis of the Guard on each enunciation, and an actor speaking very quickly. You should get this off to Recorded for Training Purposes. I'm not aware that they're taking unsolicited stuff but there is always a chance if you send to the producer - it's definitely their theme. (See what I did there? eh?)

I like ajp's "i before e" gag as well, very good.

I echo the above, very good.

Hi Dan - I too like the general idea. I also agree that some of the above, even with good acting and pronunciation would be quite difficult to get right over the radio. I like anything that involves a clever play on words and general word-play so this is right up my street. The 'stubborn prosecutee' paragraph was particularly tough to read - I know what you are doing and I like the idea but if you were to put a hyphen in-between each word it would make it far easier to read and you would still be making the same point/joke.
Also liked the N-Frnk bit - reminds me of the joke someone made a while ago (can't remember which comedian) who said "I went to Amsterdam recently - can't understand why the Nazis took so long to find her - there are signs pointing to her hideout everywhere!"
Keep up the good work Dan - good stuff.
Andy
P.S. Why do I feel I should be checking my punctuation and spell-checking this reply? ;oP

Hello Dan

Just got round to reading this and enjoyed it too. Clever use of wordplay and produced correctly it would work with the right emphasis were applicable.

Good stuff

Quote: Badge @ February 13, 2007, 8:53 PM

You should get this off to Recorded for Training Purposes.

View original

This is going to offend some people, no doubt about that but even so, this was a very clever piece of writing and a lot of fun to read. Oh, and if I were you, I'd follow the wise words of Badge because he makes a lot of sense.

Thanks people for the feedback.

ajp

As Badge said, great idea with the 'e's and 'i's. That also helps me avoid a clunky bit in the script that I didn't think flowed as well as it could have. Thanks loads!

Badge, Baumski

Recorded For Training Purposes is where I saw it going so nice to see you agree with me about the style of it. (Didn't originally plan to write in that style, it just seemed to come out by itself!)

Andy

I see what you say about the hyphenation but think it may detract from the speaking. Hmm, trying to convince myself as I type. I just want the producer/actor to 'get' what I'm doing there. Can't decide...

EDIT: Decided to put the hyphens in, dammit! You watch your spelling and grammar in posts from now on, W.!

Everyone else

Cheers muchly for the feedback. I think it's one of my better sketches so nice that you seemed entertained.

Dan

I really like it, especially as a sketch on Radio 4. If I had any advice it would be more jokes, maybe one of these could recur at the end. I love the gag about the colon being used as the eyeline for a smiley. Perhaps you could have more lines from characters who are irrevocably immersed in execrable grammar (txt spk, the argot of the 'urban' teenager etc.). You've inspired me to actually write the sketch I was planning about a BBC executive interviewing a black prospective TV/radio presenter and suggesting that he would only get the job if he spoke 'lak deees' and 'lak dat', a la Frank Spencer.
Great stuff.

Thanks Fred.

Glad to be your muse

Actually thanks -- you've given me another idea. Not explicitly but got me thinking in another way so I could add another joke in there.

Cheers

Dan

Hi Dan, I think everything has already been said. I liked it. Made my own knowledge of the language seem woefully inadequate I'm embarassed to say!

Cheers Steve. Much appreciated.

Dan

Just thought I'd bump one of the best things I've ever seen here.

Shame it's to good to be used by anyone probably.

Loving long commited piece of writing.

And funny.

Cheers sooty! Was a long time ago now.

Still the best I ever wrote though, I reckon.

Dan

Can't believe I didn't comment on this the first time around. Very good, Dan.

Your problem selling it might be down to the fact that a lot of the 'internet' comedy is going to go over the head of the average 50 year old radio listener. Maybe tone that stuff down and concentrate more on the punctuation/language side of things.