Royal PFI

THE QUEEN IS TALKING TO ALISTAIR DARLING

QUEEN

Right you oik where's my 40 million squids, Buck Palace needs a new roof.

ALISTAIR

Your majesty the gouvernment, no longer believes in exclusively in handing out money to public institutions, hospitals, schools, the royal family. It's all PFI now.

QUEEN

PFI?

ALISTAIR

Public Finance Initiative, it means we pay a bit. A public company pays less, then slaps their logo every where.

QUEEN

Who paid for the privilege of being associated, with the noble House of Windsor? Bentley, Fortnum Mason?

ALISTAIR

Harrods. Mr Al Fayed, has insisted on a slight change of name. You're now Queen Murdering Bitch Elizabeth. Prince Philips, is much snappier, he's just c**t.

QUEEN

I will have nothing to do with this you beastly man.

ALISTAIR

Gordon thought you'd say that, so he's put the whole contract out to tender. Tesco's have bought it, meet the new Tesco Value Queen.

ON WALKS JORDAN

JORDAN

Allo, I'm Jordan queen of tarts, who wants to kiss my ring. And my arse hole.

Again great idea, but not properly worked through. PFI Royalty is funny; Al Fayed taking the contract is funny; Tesco and Jordan is just random.

[quote name="sootyj" post="192629" date="June 28 2008, 10:25 AM BST"]THE QUEEN IS TALKING TO ALISTAIR DARLING

QUEEN

Right you oik where's my 40 million squids, Buck Palace needs a new roof.

ALISTAIR

Your majesty the gouvernment, no longer believes in handing out money to public institutions. It's all PFI now.

QUEEN

PFI?

ALISTAIR

Public Finance Initiative, it means we pay a bit. A public company pays less, then slaps their logo on it

QUEEN

Who paid for the privilege of being associated, with the noble House of Windsor? Bentley, Fortnum Mason?

ALISTAIR

Harrods. Mr Al Fayed, has insisted on a slight change of name. You're now Queen Murdering Bitch Elizabeth. Prince Philips, is much snappier, he's just c**t.

Snappier?

Thank

Yes snappier ending. But as the Prince Philip line is now the pay off it is important to get a long beat after Queen Elizabeth line. Myself I would emphasise it by giving the Queen a short line of dialogue in between, e.g. Good Heavens!

I don't think you need to rush quite so quickly to the punch. I would be inclined to try for more laughs from the mid-section, e.g.

QUEEN

And who has paid for the privilege of being associated with the noble House of Windsor?

ALISTAIR

A prestigious company Ma'am, with a long Royal Connection?

QUEEN

Bentley? Fortnum Mason?

ALISTAIR

No

QUEEN

Ladbrookes?

ALISTAIR

Harrods.

PFI is Private Finance Initiative, just for correctness.

I know you've got rid of the Tesco/Jordan bit but wanted to let you know that the line:

'Who wants to kiss my ring. And my arse hole.' made me laugh out loud.

Could work.

Thanks.

Quote: steve by any other name @ June 28 2008, 12:08 PM BST

PFI is Private Finance Initiative, just for correctness.

I know you've got rid of the Tesco/Jordan bit but wanted to let you know that the line:

'Who wants to kiss my ring. And my arse hole.' made me laugh out loud.

View original

To get that one fully on the nail, I'd need Peter Andre to wander on.

In Treason show currently