Studio sitcom - ASBO School

Did this a while ago and almost binned it....but now wondering if its got legs what with all the issues it deals with being so relevant?

Mark and Thomas have been forced to attend a residential course to deal with their criminal tendencies due to prison overcrowding. It’s porridge meets men behaving badly but with cooler people (Imagine Chandler Bing with an ASBO). Thomas wants to go straight but Mark likes a life of crime.

This is from early in the pilot where they are discussing their "problems" Just wondering if the unusual situation (which also says a lot about modern society – prisons/crime/social responsibility) is enough to separate it from the normal "blokes stuck with each other"

Mark & Thomas are sat in group of 6 being lead by Janice (typical left wing, self help adviser type) This just gives some subtle background and so i kept it short...the phone thing becomes integral to the plot later on.

Int. – Classroom – Morning

JANICE
Before we start gentleman, has anyone seen my phone?

MARK
Did you give it to someone.

TOM
I doubt she’d give it to any of us.

MARK
Speak for yourself.

MARK AND A BLACK GUY NEXT TO HIM GIVE EACH OTHER HIGH FIVES.

JANICE
Well if anyone see’s it will they let me know.

TOM
Of course we will.

MARK
Teachers pet.

TOM
Why, because I want to try?

MARK (in whinny voice)
Because I want to try

JANICE
Come on now. Lets start. Mark, would you like to go first. I have your file here.

JANICE ACCIDENTALLY DROPS THE PRINT OUT AND IT UNRAVELS TO BE 6FT LONG.

MARK
Impressive hey?

HE GETS ANOTHER HIGH FIVE FROM HIS BLACK FRIEND.

TOM
It’s sad, that’s what it is.

MARK
At least stealing a budgie isn’t on that list.

TOM
I told you that in confidence.

MARK
Don’t panic, I didn’t tell anyone else.

THE GROUP ALL START TWEETING LIKE BUDGIES.

TOM
It was for my girlfriend.

MARK (to his mate)
I’ve seen a photo, I think she ate it.

TOM
That’s below the belt, half of that is her glands.

MARK
What’s the other half, walking to the cake shop.

TOM
This whole things a joke. We aren’t going to learn anything here with people like you. Oh, and for the record, at least I’ve got someone to go back to after all this.

MARK
I’ve got (BEAT) women.

TOM
Yeah, who?

MARK
Your mum.

GROUP LAUGHS AT TOM.

TOM
Funny. Except she’d dead.

GROUP ALL STOP LAUGHING

MARK
I thought she was a bit quite.

GROUP LAUGHS AGAIN.

TOM
I’m outta here.

TOM STORMS OUT.

TOM
Oh, and Janice, he’s got your mobile phone.

MARK
Why, cause of his colour? This isn’t the deep south in 1850.

TOM
No, cause I can hear the ring tone.

MARK
Might be his phone.

TOM
It’s Dancing Queen by Abba.

MARK
Fair point.

MARK'S MATE IS DESPERATELY TRYING TO MUFFLE THE SOUND FROM HIS POCKET.

It's an interesting setting, and a couple of goodish gags.

But it's 2 guys bantering in a fairly funny way, but going no where. They're both quite samey, and anodyne, and Janice only seems to exist to set up punchlines for them.

It's a germ of a good idea, but you need to blow life into your characters. Give them back stories, motivations, and more complex emotions.

Perhaps Sooty should add mum gags to his list of prohibitions?

It is not exactly banter, as there is an edge, and it is the potential for edginess that makes the idea a potential runner. But I am afraid for me the points being scored were just not sharp enough.

The potential for me came not from the dialogue but from the non-verbal humour. I wanted to see the budgie gag developed and the mobile phone. Just out of interest on the latter, what was Mark saying"fair point' intended to add? I would have been inclined to lose Tom's line as well. and make it more visual. Perhaps have Janice kneel down and listen to the black man's vibrating crotch as it plays Dancing Queen.

Right! Has anyone else got a sitcom they want to get out of their system?

No.

I bet you have really...

Quote: Timbo @ June 27 2008, 4:33 PM BST

Perhaps have Janice kneel down and listen to the black man's vibrating crotch as it plays Dancing Queen.

View original

Good stuff.

Pacey, interesting. Yeah, I liked this.

Good dialogue and some funny jokes.

Only let down was the 'your mum' gag, but it's easily taken out.

thanks for the feed back folks...something i'm working on is the swearing - i notice a lot of stuff has some in and i wondered if that was a way of getting a more cult type time slot on bbc2 ala gavin & Stacey? I'm fearfull at the moment it might be seen as bbc1 prime time fooder?

assuming i'm right do i just add some minor swears? at what point do producers think it's gone to far?

based on Timbos idea i thought something like:

TOM
Oh, and Janice, he’s got your bloody phone.

MARK
Why, cause of his colour? This isn’t the deep south in 1850.

TOM
No, cause his balls are playing the crazy frog.

JANICE LISTENS TO HIS CROTCH AREA.

MARK
Might be his phone.

MARKS MATE STARTS PUSHING HIS GROIN TO SHUT THE PHONE UP BUT ANSWERS THE CALL INSTEAD.

JANICE
Mum, is that you?

MUM (V.0)
Janice, i can hardly hear you. Where are you?

JANICE
I'm at work but your in a black mans pants.

MUM (nervously)
Well, yes i am....but please dont tell your Dad.