Sitcom Pilot (Part of it anyway)

Since everyone seems to posting sitcoms recently, I thought I would follow trend.

It is called "Gap Year" and follows 3 lads on a gap year after college. They are all living together and are good friends, despite their conflicting personalities.

Chris, just a normal, down to earth guy but is quite unlucky and finds himself in situations through no fault of his own.

Alex is a bit of a geek, but not in the traditional sense. He has a tendancy to get suckered into things and has a new hobby or way of life every other day, which he then tries to drag the other two into.

Phil is essentially a big kid. He always speaks his mind without thought for consequence, and pokes fun at everything and everyone, involving mothers in most cases, and sometimes drags the other two down to his level.

In this episode, Alex and Phil have got back from their holiday and are a bit vague about what happened there. Chris is having trouble "getting it up" and is willing to try anything. Alex is obsessed with spiritualism and Phil challenges him to prove it's real, so Alex arranges a seance.

INT. A CAR - DAY

Chris is sat in the driver seat. He is just your average looking guy. The boot on the car is slammed down and the passenger door opens and Alex begins to sit down in the seat, before he is yanked out of it and Phil sits in it. Alex gets into the back and sits in the middle. Alex is a skinny guy with shaggy hair and glasses and is wearing a kimono but it is that weird stained thing that hippies wear. Phil is average looking but is quite chubby. They are all aged 19. The scene freezes.

V/O CHRIS
The guy in the driver seat is me. Chris is the name. I don't know how to describe myself really. I guess I'm quite indecisive. Then again maybe not. The one next to me is Phil. He can be a bit of a prick but he's cool. Most of the time. The skinny weed in the back is Alex. Looks like he's a hippie today. It's hard to keep up with him, he changes every other bloody day. He's one of those people who gets suckered into things big time. We all met in college and now we're taking a gap year before uni. Fun times ahead. Right?

The scene unfreezes. The car sets off.

CHRIS
Alright boys. How was the trip then?

PHIL
(Quite hurriedly)
Ye..yeah it was good. Lot's of skiing

ALEX
It was an enlightening experience

CHRIS
Dare I ask what the new look is all about?

PHIL
Oh he's into all this hippie shit now

ALEX
Hippie shit? I thought I explained all this on the plane on the way back

PHIL
You did, but after the first 20 minutes I began thinking of ways to kill myself

ALEX
I'm a spiritualist

CHRIS
What's that?

PHIL
Are you insane? Don't get him started!

ALEX
Well, spiritualism is...

The sound fades out.

V/O CHRIS
Yup. That's the gang. Fun bunch aren't we?

Phil bangs his head on the dash repeatedly as Alex talks. The camera switches to the car driving down the motorway and out of shot.

EXT. THE FLATS - DAY

The car is pulled up at the side of the road. All 3 get out of the car and Phil and Alex take suitcases from the boot. They begin to walk towards the building.

PHIL
You're flying low Chris you know

CHRIS
Ah it's the zip on these jeans. It's nackered and keeps coming down

Chris pulls the zip up on his jeans.

PHIL
What have you been up to with us gone then?

CHRIS
Just been hanging out with the lady

PHIL
That dog?

CHRIS
Nah, I think your mum's ignoring me now

ALEX
Have you done it with Lucy yet then?

CHRIS
Well, we've certainly tried

INT. A BEDROOM - EVENING

Chris and Lucy are lying in bed next to each other kissing. Lucy is an attractive blonde haired girl. She climbs on top of Chris. Then gets off again and lifts up the sheets to look at his privates.

LUCY
Not again

CHRIS
We could try?

LUCY
Nah, it would be like trying to unblock a toilet with a slinky

CHRIS
I don't know why it won't get up

LUCY
I wish it would. Lazy bastard

INT. THE FLAT - DAY

Chris and Alex are sat on the couch. Phil appears with 3 beers. He tosses one to Chris who catches it, and one to Alex who kind of knocks it with his hand and it flies off. He goes to get it.

PHIL
Why don't you try some of that Viagra stuff? Works for Hugh Hefner and not even the skin on his face can stay up

CHRIS
I did. I took it and then her mum appeared and said she was staying over so I didn't get to see her. I wore a hole in my mattress that night

Alex reappears and sits down. A little dog runs up to him and jumps on his lap. He starts to stroke it.

ALEX
Why don't you try some Chinese remedies? They've been proven to work and there's a shop in town

PHIL
Yeah, sucking on a root will fix all your problems

ALEX
It's not just sucking on roots. They've been perfected over thousands of years

CHRIS
I think I might give it a go actually. I've tried everything else

ALEX
You won't regret it

Alex opens his beer and it sprays all over him.

ALEX
Oh crap. It's all over my kimono

PHIL
Your what?

ALEX
Kimono. It's traditional Japanese dress

PHIL
Well you're not wrong about the dress part

ALEX
All men used to wear these

PHIL
F**k off. You look like a reggae Florence Nightingale

ALEX
Tut. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

PHIL
No, I kiss your mother with it. Not just kiss either, your mum's into all sorts of crazy shit

CHRIS
I think we get the idea mate

ALEX
You're surrounded by negative chi you know

PHIL
Chi? What the piss is this chi now?

ALEX
It's your spirit energy

PHIL
I've had enough of this bullshit

ALEX
You should meditate and relax a little, or it could manifest into some real problems

PHIL
You should shut up or it could manifest in your face

CHRIS
Calm it you two. Why don't you tell me what you got up to on your holiday? You didn't really tell me much in the car

PHIL
Yeah it was good. Very enjoyable. Love that skiing

ALEX
Well come on now it wasn't all good. What about...

Phil shoots Alex a nasty look to shut up. Alex just stops talking.

CHRIS
What about what?

ALEX
Errrrr...When I was going down the slope I fell and broke my ankle

CHRIS
Why isn't it in a cast then?

PHIL
They have very good hospitals in France

CHRIS
(Suspiciously)
There's something you're not telling me here. Something happened didn't it

ALEX
No

PHIL
Of course not

CHRIS
I'll find it out eventually. I always do in the end

Chris looks at Alex, who quickly begins to look in any other direction. Chris gets up and goes out of shot.

PHIL
(Quietly)
What the frig are you playing at! We swore to keep it to our selves

ALEX
(Quietly)
Yeah, but Chris is one of my best friends. I tell him everything

PHIL
(Quietly)
Well you don't tell him this, or I'll hurt you. Right?

ALEX
(Quietly)
But

PHIL
(Slightly louder)
Right?

ALEX
Right

Chris returns to the room and sits down again

ALEX
Oh someone throw me the remote. There's something on mediums I want to watch

Phil throws Alex the remote and he does the same thing as he did with the beer and knocks it flying. He goes to get it.

CHRIS
Mediums? You mean like psychics?

ALEX
Don't be silly. Psychics aren't real

PHIL
And mediums are?

Alex returns and sits down.

ALEX
Of course

PHIL
Bullshit

ALEX
They are! Have you never seen most haunted?

PHIL
You mean that thing where they run around a house screaming when someone steps on a squeaky floor board?

ALEX
Yeah

PHIL
I thought it was a comedy?

ALEX
Well it's not. It's really good. And it proves that mediums are real

PHIL
I still don't buy it

ALEX
Right. I'll get my friend round to prove it. We can have a séance

PHIL
Fine. But if it doesn't work I won't let it drop. You know how annoying I can be

ALEX
I know. Too well

Alex turns on the TV.

All the characters blurred into one and I really lost interest at the 'your mum' jokes to be honest.

Not enough jokes either, it was just dialogue in places.

Overall it didn't really interest me.

I echo the comments above. But moving on and engaging optimistic mode, once this has been commissioned how are you going to write several series of thigh slapping sitcom on the pretence of a single gap year?

To be honest this little part ends just before the jokes start comming thick and fast (not just mum jokes either), but I know what you mean about the characters. It's always been my weakness, creating characters, and then keeping them seperate.

As for future series, most episodes would probably take place over a day, so that's 365 episodes.

If you want to read the full thing, PM me and see if it can swing you round.

Cheers for the comments.

yep heard it all before, young guys, college etc

I've seen worse.

LUCY
Nah, it would be like trying to unblock a toilet with a slinky

Is a cracking good line.

Also I agree with the comments about the 'your mum' jokes but I like the voice over bits, that's soemthing which could work quite well and I don't remember seeing on anything else for a while. It could be a pretty good set-up if you can give the characters more of their own voice. I can see a gap year being good comedy fodder and if you can establish the characters it would be easy enough to continue them on past their gap year.

Are you going to post some more scenes?

Here's the next part

EXT. CHINESE CLINIC - DAY

Chris walks into the door. The front of the shop is covered in things that they can treat. Erectile dysfunction is one of them. There is a large sign which says "Chinese Clinic".

INT. CHINESE CLINIC RECEPTION - DAY

Chris walks up to the counter. There is a middle aged Asian woman behind the counter.

CHRIS
Hey. Umm, I need something to help me get an erection

The woman hands him a copy of playboy.

CHRIS
No, I have problems getting an erection during sex

WOMAN
Oh. Sorry, I thought you were here for the sperm donations. One moment

The woman bobs her head behind a curtain and says something in Chinese. We hear a reply in Chinese from a man. The woman returns to Chris.

WOMAN
Just go through there. By the way you're flying low

CHRIS
It's the zip

Chris pulls up the zip on his jeans as he goes behind the curtain.

INT. A SMALL ROOM - DAY

The room is very small and is just a bed and a chair and Chinese charts and diagrams on the walls. An old man who looks a lot like Mr Miyagi and speaks with a strong Chinese accent is sat on the chair.

OLD MAN
Please, sit on bed

Chris complies.

Chris
Well, I've been having problems, err, getting it up, and a friend suggested I try this place

The old man moves next to Chris, rubs his hands then holds them near Chris' crotch. He slowly moves them back towards himself whilst exhaling and as he does so, a bulge begins to appear in Chris' crotch area.

Chris
Wow. Thank you so much

The old man goes into a draw and gets out a tube of something and hands it to Chris.

OLD MAN
Use this twice a day. Wax on, wack off

CHRIS
Mr Miyagi?

OLD MAN
(Looks disgusted)
Get out you racist!

Chris leaves hurriedly.

INT. CHINESE HERBAL REMEDIES RECEPTION - DAY

Chris appears from behind the curtain. He has a very noticeable erection.

WOMAN
I see it worked then

CHRIS
Yes, very much so. Just I didn't think I'd be leaving with a stonker. I really regret getting the bus over here now

EXT. A BUS STOP - DAY

Chris is stood at the side of the road next to the bus stop sign. He still has an erection. A bus pulls up and the doors open. Chris just stands there.

DRIVER
Are you getting on?

CHRIS
No this isn't my bus

DRIVER
Why did you hail me down then?

CHRIS
(Looking confused)
I didn't

DRIVER
Yes you did you stuck up your (noticing the erection) oh

The doors close and the bus drives on. Chris watches the bus leave with a confused look on his face. Another bus appears and Chris holds out his thumb and the bus pulls up. He gets on.

INT. BUS - DAY

Chris takes a seat. An old man with a walking cane sits down next to him. He puts the cane in between Chris and himself. After a few moments the bus stops again and the man goes to stand up. As he does this he puts his hand on Chris' erection. Chris looks disgusted.

EXT. THE FLATS - DAY

Chris is stood at the front door. As he walks up to put his key in, his erection goes through his jeans as he is flying low again and through the letter box.

INT. THE FLAT - DAY

We see Chris' bulge sticking through the letter box. Alex's dog runs up and bites onto the end of it and dangles. Chris screams. The door opens and he kind of shimmeys along with the door, the dog still attached. Alex comes over and pulls the dog off.

ALEX
I told you they were good

CHRIS
A bit too good I think. Bloody pants

Chris looks down. The bulge is gone. He pulls up the zip on his jeans.

CHRIS
I think your little doggy just got rid of it, thank god

PHIL
Alright Chris mate. How's your dick?

CHRIS
Well it's signaled a bus, helped an old man stand up, posted itself and been attacked by a dog. Pretty good

PHIL
Sounds like you had fun

ALEX
Are you gonna take meatball to the vet now Phil? His appointment is in like 15 minutes

PHIL
Yeah yeah

CHRIS
What's wrong with your dog?

ALEX
Trouble sleeping

PHIL
I'll tell you what's wrong with it. That pissing name it's got. Why the hell would you call your dog meatball?

ALEX
Just go or you'll be late

Phil gets the dog on the lead and walks out of the door with him.

CHRIS
Why is Phil taking him anyway?

ALEX
I've got to help Maureen set up for tonight

CHRIS
Maureen?

ALEX
She's a good friend of mine and a medium. We met when I dabbled in gynecology a few months back.

CHRIS
Riight

As you have recognised the characters are not coming across as clearly differentiated, and there is too much slack between laughs. The erection gag is okay, but really to work you need to ramp up Chris's embarrassment, which does not really come across. Also have you given any thought to how the gag might be filmed? It might be that in thinking of that you can unlock the comic potential, but it depends on what sort of show this is. To me it is only going to work as a visual gag if the erection is unrealistically large, which would work in the IT Crowd, but not in, say, Hardware.

Quote: Timbo @ June 27 2008, 7:49 PM BST

To me it is only going to work as a visual gag if the erection is unrealistically large, which would work in the IT Crowd, but not in, say, Hardware.

View original

Now why would you go straight to hardware?

Quote: David Bussell @ June 28 2008, 3:00 PM BST

Now why would you go straight to hardware?

View original

Subliminal.

I want to know what happens next!

Eh, I might aswell post the rest of it. This was really just a project to try my hand at sitcom writing. I have to say though that this next bit was a bit rushed and you can tell in parts.

int. the vet waiting room - day

Phil is sat down with the dog on the chair next to him. The room is full of all sorts of people with different animals. A little boy and his mum come over to Phil. The little boy starts stroking the dog.

MUM
Aww he's a big cutie isn't he

PHIL
It is his middle name

MUM
What's he in for?

PHIL
Rabies

We see the little boy getting his face licked by the dog. The mum looks horrified and quickly snatches the boy away. Phil looks amused.

RECEPTIONIST
Meatball, you can go though now

Phil stands up and farts. Everyone looks at him.

PHIL
Sorry. It was the dog.

Phil walks the dog through a door.

int. the vet's room - day

The vet is a very attractive young woman.

VET
Hey. Meatball, is it?

PHIL
Almost, it's Phil

VET
I meant the dog

PHIL
Enough about the dog. What might your name be?

VET
(Little laugh)
I'm Laura

PHIL
Pleased to meet your Laura

VET
So, what's the problem here then?

PHIL
That I don't have your number yet

VET
(Another little laugh)
I was talking about the dog. Again

PHIL
I know

VET
So what is the problem?

PHIL
(Quite lazily)
Oh..sleep or something. Put him to sleep. You have beautiful eyes you know

VET
Err thanks. Do you think it's appropriate with what's going on?

PHIL
Apparently I do

VET
Look, I'll have to keep the dog here. Here's my card with my number on(hand Phil a business card). If you have any questions just give me a ring

PHIL
Thank you kindly, Laura

Phil winks at Laura and leaves.

INT. THE FLAT - EVENING

Phil walks through the door.

ALEX
Where is he then?

PHIL
Oh err, she had to keep him over or something

ALEX
Oh. Christ, I hope it's not serious.

PHIL
The vet was gorgeous and look (holds up the business card) I got her number!

CHRIS
That's her card

PHIL
So, it still counts

ALEX
Give it to me, I want to find out what's going on with Meatball

Phil tosses Alex the card and Alex goes over to the phone in the background.

PHIL
Haha, I made some woman think her kid has rabies while I was there

CHRIS
How did you manage that one

PHIL
The kid was playing with the dog and his mum asked what he was in for and I told her it was rabies.

CHRIS
That's a bit sick if I'm honest mate

ALEX
(Screaming)
WHAT!

Alex throws the phone down and stomps over to Phil.

ALEX
What the f**k did you do to meatball?

PHIL
I took him to the vets like you asked

ALEX
And what did you tell them to do to him?

PHIL
Give him something to help him sleep

ALEX
No you didn't. You told them to put him to sleep

PHIL
Is there a difference?

CHRIS
Well, one of them results in death

PHIL
Oh. I was a bit distracted by the fit vet.

ALEX
Oh, so meatball died so you could chat up the vet

PHIL
He took one for the team

ALEX
Har har

PHIL
Look, this would never have happened if you went instead of me. You wouldn't have been distracted, being gay and all

ALEX
One of these days

PHIL
If I were the dog I'd be happy to be dead with a name like pissing meatball. Seriously, why did you call him meatball?

ALEX
Well, I make these meatballs with my secret special sauce on them and he just used to love licking the sauce off of them when he was a puppy

PHIL
I bet they weren't the only balls he licked

CHRIS
That's why he misses him so much. The nights are going to be so long without him

Chris and Phil laugh.

ALEX
F**k off

There is a knock at the door. Alex goes to answer it. Maureen enters. Maureen is dressed like one of those gypsy fortune tellers.

ALEX
Oh hey Maureen. It's all set up over here

They walk into the room a bit more. The couch has been moved and a table is in it's place. On the table is a shot glass, a bell, and cards with the letters of the alphabet on them spread around the edge of the table. The room is lit by candles. They all sit around the table

ALEX
Maureen this is Chris and this is nob face, I mean Phil. Everyone, this is Maureen.

MAUREEN
Hello

CHRIS
Hey

PHIL
Hey

ALEX
Right then, let's begin

MAUREEN
Ok, I need everyone to join hands

Alex does so very enthusiastically. Chris and Phil quite reluctantly.

MAUREEN
Right, I'm going to see if there are any spirits here. Jack. Jack are you there?

PHIL
Who's Jack

ALEX
It's her spirit guide

PHIL
Are we going to see him?

ALEX
No. He's a spirit. Only she can talk to him

PHIL
Oh. So you've invited a skitzo round basically

Alex shoots Phil a nasty look.

MAUREEN
Ok. Thank you Jack. Apparently there is a spirit in this room. So now I want to ask any spirit in the room to ring the bell to let us know if we can talk to you

ALEX
Please spirit, ring the bell to let us know

PHIL
Why are we asking it to ring a bastard bell? Why don't we ask it to say something?

MAUREEN
It's only a spirit. It's bond with this world isn't strong enough for it to speak to us

PHIL
But it can ring a bell? Shit, Christopher Reeve could speak but I doubt he could ring a pissing bell

MAUREEN
Any spirits in the room, could you move the table to let us know you're here

PHIL
What? It can move a table but it can't speak?

There is a loud thud on the table. Pause for a moment.

CHRIS
Looks like the hard on is back

PHIL
Haha, I was actually considering this stuff to be true aswell then

ALEX
I don't think this is working. Should we move onto the weejee board?

MAUREEN
Why not. Ok everyone, what you need to do is relax yourself and then put your little finger on the glass

Everyone does so. Nothing happens

PHIL
Oooo, convincing

The glass begins to slide. Phil looks a little scared. The glass moves to the letter E

MAUREEN
E

The glass starts to move faster to the letter X

MAUREEN
X

The glass moves even faster to the letter A

MAUREEN
A

The glass moves quite quickly to the letter M and then flies off the table and smashes.

MAUREEN
M

CHRIS
That was a bit weird

PHIL
Yeah but what the f**k does exam mean? We finished college ages ago

ALEX
Do you think it's something to do with what happened on holiday?

PHIL
Damn it Alex! What did I say!

CHRIS
Oh yeah, I haven't found out about that yet. Care to fill me in now?

PHIL
I might aswell, before billy nob head over there spills the beans when he's off his tits after half a can of beer

ALEX
Half a can! At least two

PHIL
I apologize. Two halves of a can

CHRIS
Come on then. I want to know now

PHIL
Well before I tell you this, you have to swear, SWEAR, that you will never tell anyone else

CHRIS
Ok. Done

PHIL
Right, well we were on the piss. Big time

CHRIS
That's a good start. That's as common in embarrassing stories as once upon a time is in fairy tales

PHIL
Uri Geller (gesturing towards Alex) starts going on about prostitutes. One thing led to another and we end up going looking for some. We find this place with a sign over the door that said prostitutes.

CHRIS
Why would it have a sign saying prostitutes?

PHIL
We were extremely drunk, I can't stress that enough, and we didn't really think about it. We get in there, and there's some absolutely smoking bird behind the counter. I thought if she's on reception, what are the girls gunna be like.

CHRIS
What were the girls like?

ALEX
Well, there weren't any

CHRIS
Oh no. You didn't get male prostitutes did you?

PHIL
No Chris, we didn't. We didn't get any prostitutes. It seems we misread the sign in our drunken haze. It actually said prostate exams

Chris begins to laugh.

PHIL
Yup. We paid 40 euros each to have a balding Frenchman get elbow deep in us

CHRIS
Wow

ALEX
And we held each others hands while he did it

Chris begins to laugh harder

PHIL
God damn it! I wasn't gonna tell him that part!

ALEX
Oh

CHRIS
(Laughing)
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard

ALEX
Come on, it wasn't that bad. It could have happened to anyone

CHRIS
No. It really couldn't have

PHIL
Right well now you know. Laugh it out and then never speak of it again. Same goes for you (gesturing towards Alex)

MAUREEN
Well, I'd better be off

PHIL
Holy shit, I forgot you were here

ALEX
You won't tell anyone will you Maureen?

MAUREEN
Of course not

As she leaves the room she begins to laugh and when the door has closed behind her we hear her laughing really hard.

ALEX
She won't tell anyone. She's cool

CHRIS
Right boys, I'm going to go see Lucy

PHIL
My boy's gunna get laid

CHRIS
Yeah, and if you boys wanna get laid, the number is 999 and ask for ambulance. They'll do what ever you want. I think an enema each would be right down your street

Chris leaves the room.

PHIL
Prick

INT. A BEDROOM - EVENING

Chris and Lucy are in bed the same as before.

LUCY
So it's going to work this time?

CHRIS
Should do. It's been working all day

Lucy lifts up the sheets and looks at Chris' crotch.

LUCY
Woo, you could flag a bus down with that thing

Chris scratches the back of his neck and does a kind of unconvincing laugh.

LUCY
What are those bite marks on it?

CHRIS
Oh, that was Alex's dog

LUCY
What the hell were you doing with your dick near Alex's dog

CHRIS
No, I mean I put it through letter box

LUCY
You did what?

CHRIS
No, I mean it went through the letter box and

LUCY
Why did you have a hard on outside your front door in the first place?

CHRIS
Well the old man was really good

Lucy looks disgusted.

CHRIS
God damn it, I give up