Sitcom excerpt

This is an excerpt from an old sitcom script I have dusted off and am considering reviving and reworking. I know I need to do more work on the scenario, but I wondered what people thought of the style. e.g. pacing, characterisation, is it funny? etc.

Set up: Simon (wimpy, sarcastic) lodges with Sean (loud, coarse) and his alarming extended family. Simon fancies hippy chick librarian Kim. Kim thinks of Simon as a friend, and of Sean as pond life.

In this episode Sean's latest girlfriend, Angela, has been experiencing unexplained happenings in her new flat. Km suspects that it is being haunted by the former tenant, and has organised a séance.

4. INT. SIMON'S BEDROOM

SIMON IS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, BUTTONING ON A RATHER TASTELESS SHIRT. HE STRIKES A COUPLE OF POSES, DECIDES AGAINST IT, AND SELECTS ANOTHER, JUST AS NAFF, FROM A PILE ON THE BED.

SEAN (OOV)

You ready?

SIMON

Won't be a sec.

SEAN LETS HIMSELF IN.

SEAN (TAKING IN THE SHIRTS)

Getting tarted up to see Kimmie?

SIMON (OBVIOUSLY LYING)

I was just trying to find one that was clean.

SEAN MAKES HIMSELF AT HOME.

SEAN

So what's the form with this seance lark, then?

SIMON

Casual dress is perfectly acceptable. I don't think we're planning on raising royalty.

SEAN

No, I mean like what actually happens?

SIMES

Well, we sit round in a circle and hold hands...

SEAN

Holding hands with Kim, eh? You going to be playing footsie an' all?

SIMON

...we sit round in a circle, and then Kim's Auntie Cissy, who's the medium - though meself I'd say she was the best part of a size 20 - asks if there (SPOOKY VOICE) is anybody out there? At which point some joker usually tries to get everyone going by rapping on the table. I should think tonight that's going to be you.

SEAN (MOCK OFFENDED)

What me?

SIMON GIVES HIM WHAT HE IS PLEASED TO THINK IS A WITHERING LOOK.

SEAN

But come on, does anybody really answer?

SIMON

Oh yeah, Kim's uncle Percy, Cis's old man. He's her control - her spirit guide.

SEAN

Give over.

SIMON

'Course there's only Cissy can actually hear him.

SEAN (ROLLS EYES)

And this old biddy, and her invisible better half, what do they find to jaw about?

SIMON

Well, gen'rally the first thing is Perce wants to know how his pigeons are doing. He was a fancier, used to race 'em see. The way Kim tells it, he thought more of those pigeons than he did of Cissy. He was afraid that when he passed on she was going to...

SIMON PAUSES TO FIND THE RIGHT WORD.

SEAN

Neglect them?

SIMON

No, casserole 'em. Kim reckons that's the only reason he stays in touch - he's keeping a beady one on Cissy to see she doesn't make too free with the cook-in sauce. Anyhows, if there's a particular spook as Cis wants to have a chinwag with, old Perce rounds them up for her.

SEAN

So lets just get this straight. We're going to spend the evening round at Angie's gaff, listening to Kim's barking auntie jabbering to herself? Sounds a waste of precious drinking time to me.

SIMON

The Wheelbarrow can survive an evening without your custom. Might need to reschedule the mortgage payments, but, hey! Hows about Angela? You infected her with your cynicism?

SEAN

She's well up for it. Kim's got her freaked out at the idea of this horny old dear departed clocking all her naughty bits. Won't let me lay a finger on her in the flat.

SIMON

So his afterlife is putting the kybosh on your lovelife?

SEAN

That's about the strength of it. The daft mare won't take a shower without wearing her swimming cossie.

SIMON

You can see it from the stiff's point of view though. I mean, if you're a disembodied spirit it beats hanging out round the boneyard.

SEAN

Well, yeah - but you could do better. Me, I'd be haunting the ladies changing rooms at the All England Club. All them lezzie tennis starlets. Phwoar!

SIMON (LAUGHING)

Dirty sod. (PULLING ON HIS JACKET) We set then?

SEAN

I reckon. Let's go raise the dead.

THEY GO OUT THE DOOR. A MOMENT LATER SIMON COMES BACK IN AGAIN TO CHECK HIS APPEARANCE IN THE MIRROR. SEAN GRABS HIS ARM AND DRAGS HIM BACK OUT AGAIN.

5. INT. ANGELA'S FLAT

THE LIGHT ARE DIMMED. SEAN, ANGELA, CISSY, KIM AND SIMON ARE SAT IN A CIRCLE ROUND A LITTLE TABLE, HOLDING HANDS. CISSY IS A FAIRLY ORDINARY LOOKING PENSIONER.

KIM

Right, is everyone sitting comfortably this time? No one else wants to go to the loo?

ANGELA (TO SIMON, GIGGLING)

I was 'fraid that if anyfin' spooky 'appened I might pee meself.

SIMON LOOKS EMBARRASSED. TO ADD TO HIS DISCOMFORT HE IS FINGING IT DIFFICULT TO KEEP HIS EYES OFF OF ANGELA'S CLEAVAGE.

KIM

Then we'll begin. Auntie?

CISSY

Right ho, dear.

CISSY CLOSES HER EYES AND GOES INTO A SORT OF TRANCE. THEY SIT IN SILENCE, ANGELA ON THE EDGE OF HER SEAT, KIM QUIETLY EXPECTANT, SIMON TRYING TO SCRATCH AN ITCH ON HIS NOSE WITHOUT USING HIS HANDS, AND SEAN LOOKING BORED. AFTER A SHORT WHILE THERE IS A KNOCKING. ANGELA IS PLAINLY TERRIFIED.

KIM

Cut it out, Sean.

SEAN

Oh, alright.

ANGELA GIVES HIM A BLACK LOOK.

CISSY

Are you there?

THERE IS A LONG SILENCE.

SEAN

I think they're out. Leave a message on the ans'rin' machine and tell 'em to call back later.

ANGELA (TO SEAN)

Don't.

SEAN

Well.

KIM

Can we get on?

MORE SILENCE.

SEAN

We've still time to get down the Wheelbarrow for last orders.

ANGELA (IMPLORING)

Porky-worky!

SIMON

Porky-worky?!?

KIM

This is...

CISSY

Oh, there you are, about time to - these young people can't be hanging around for you all evening... Yes... Yes... No, they're all fine... Yes, including the one with the broken wing... I know plenty of exercise... Percy! (ASIDE) Him and his bloody pigeons.

SIMON HAS A LOOK OF 'I TOLD YOU SO'; SEAN IS STILL SCEPTICAL; ANGELA IS RIVETED.

CISSY

Now are you listening?... Kimmie and her friends have asked me... What?... No, I certainly shan't put a bet on for you.. (ASIDE) Who's Sir Gordon Richards when he's at home? (TO PERCY) I don't care if it was Mill Reef who gave you the tip. I'm not... Because you wasted quite enough money on that sort of thing when you were alive, that's why... We'll it's not your money now... Don't you take that tone of voice with me... Percy Allardyce, I've just got two words I want to say to you: "pigeon pie".

THERE IS A MEANINGFUL PAUSE.

CISSY

I should think so to! Now stop being such a cantankerous, bad-tempered, sour...

KIM

Auntie...

CISSY

Well, he's such a miserable old devil. (TO PERCY) Right, now, we want to speak to a...

SHE LOOKS TO ANGELA

ANGELA

Reg 'Awkins.

CISSY

To a Mr. Reginald Hawkin, late of...

ANGELA

84B Strathspey House...

CISSY

84B Strathspey House...

ANGELA

Dorset Gardens, Walthamstow.

CISSY

Dorset Gardens, Walthamstow. (INCREDULOUS) Postcode?! (SHRUGS, THEN ASIDE TO ANGELA) Postcode?

ANGELA

E10..

CISSY

E10...

ANGELA

3SQ.

CISSY

3 SQ. (ASIDE) He says to hang on.

SEAN (TO SIMON)

You don't buy into all this do you?

ANGELA (REPROVINGLY)

Darling...

SEAN

She's battier than Bruce Wayne's basement.

KIM

Sssh!

CISSY (TO PERCY)

You've got him... Oh good.. Can you ask him... (ASIDE TO ANGELA) What is it you want to ask him, love?

ANGELA

Whether he thinks it's right for a dead person to go around spying on people.

KIM

Um... just ask him if he's been visiting his old flat at all.

CISSY

Did you catch that Perce?... He says he hasn't?... It's just that there's a young lady living here now, and she doesn't think much of the idea of having someone watching her about her business... (ASIDE TO ANGELA) Isn't that right, dear.

ANGELA NODS

CISSY (TO PERCY)

No... Nobody is accusing him of anything... Well that's all very respectable I'm sure... Happily married for twenty-nine years you say... Never so much as looked at another woman... Even after his Alice crossed over... With Monty at El Alamein?... Royal Engineers? Really? So was our Lionel!... That's right, lance corporal... Simpson L.S.... He knew him!?...

SEAN (GETTING UP)

She needs to be in a room with 12 tog wallpaper.

ANGELA (UPSET)

Porky-worky!

SEAN RESIGNEDLY SITS DOWN AGAIN, AND DISAPPEARS BENEATH THE TABLE. ANGELA SUPPRESSES A GIGGLE.

SEAN (OOV)

Who moved the rotten chair?

ANGELA, KIM AND SIMON LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER.

CISSY

Well, according to Percy, Mr. Hawkins swears blind it wasn't him.

I quite like this, it flows very nicely. I just wonder what it's USP will be for a producer looking for the next big hit?

I enjoyed this, like a less filthy Peep Show or Men Behaving Badly. I thought the 'Bruce Wayne's basement' line was a bit of a clunker, but the rest of it drew me in.

I assume Simon's only going along with this because of his ongoing attempts to cop off with Kim. Belief in the whole seance thing seems a bit out of character for him.

Yes the USP is the big problem. The original idea was to have all the stories based around the supernatural, like a low rent X- files (or Scooby Doo). That was a shit idea, and too close for comfort to Robert Rankin's Brentford Triangle.

So I am now left with characters in search of a scenario. I like Simon and Sean and enjoy writing dialogue for them, so I am tempted to build a new scenario around them, but without a strong hook the danger is that it degenerates into the sort of pointless two mates bantering script that producers see all the time. I might do better to abandon them and start with a blank sheet of paper.

Simon's attitude in the story is probably best described as willing suspension of disbelief.

The batman line is a bit of a clunker. I think I felt I needed a joke there so I put one in. Which is my concern about pacing, whether I am trying too hard on the dialogue and throwing in too many weak jokes.

The whole script has a slightly old-fashioned feel, so that is another concern. Whether there is still a market for this sort of mainstream sitcom.

Perhaps I'll go back to doing sketches...

Well if it's a total re-write you're going for....

There is some good stuff in there. So far it doesn't appear to be locked into anything like a low-rent X-files and it doesn't come across as just banter as it is mostly moving the story along.

I could see Simon being dragged along to all sorts of silly things, trying to get Kim. Perhaps if Kim had a fit, more sensible friend and that could be the hook for Sean going along with Simon as he wants to get to know the friend? Then you could always have the reverse situation where Sean ends up dragging Simon and Kim along to things that Kim isn't really suited to, just becuase they are things which might interest Kim's friend?

Maybe best not to listen to me, I know f**k-all about writing a sitcom.

What are the chances? There is a seance in my sitcom aswell. I think I'll post some of it actually and get some opinion.

Good work on this though. Chuckled a number times reading it.

Hi Timbo,

Noy sure this works for me really. It reads like a straight drama with the odd gag here and there. If I were you I'd go through and mark where you have given the audience a genuine opportunity to laugh. More than three lines and there should be something happening or being said I reckon. So get tough on yourself,edit and punch it up.

Well done for posting.

Quote: Timbo @ June 27 2008, 12:46 PM BST

Perhaps I'll go back to doing sketches...

View original

Oh, stop it. At least you put all the proper speech marks and apostrophes in.

I don't think the spooky theme is necessarily crap and I certainly wouldn't worry about the Brentford Triangle thing. I'm a recovering geek and I've never heard of it.

I suppose the difficulty would be in finding a way to consistently place Sean and Simon in supernatural circumstances every week within the structure of the show - the comedy Tardis, if you will.

Like Afinkawan, I know nothing about writing sitcoms, but I know a fair bit about watching them, and this amused me.

Quote: Graham Bandage @ June 27 2008, 1:06 PM BST

I don't think the spooky theme is necessarily crap and I certainly wouldn't worry about the Brentford Triangle thing. I'm a recovering geek and I've never heard of it.

View original

I demand you go read some Robert Rankin right now. Start with The Antipope. His Brentford Trilogy is bloody excellent and wonderful value for money as it is currently up to 8 books.

The characters were standard fare and 2D for me. I was put off by your little into about who was who to be honest.

You need a lot more than two guys who don't get on, but the script didn't give me that.

I also think the seance idea is a massive cliche.

Quote: Griff @ June 27 2008, 1:28 PM BST

Re the seance, it all depends how you write it. I can easily imagine a Peep Show episode where Mark gets dragged to a seance by some nutty "girlfriend". That's funny in my head already.

View original

Yeah, that's true.

But then Bain & Armstrong are experienced comedy writers . . .

to me, this script was just full of dialogue that smacked of 'this is how I think people talk' and it stands out a mile as stilted.

Good dialogue is very hard to write.

It's not bad, but also not distinctive.

Too make a very general comment, i think alot of people who write sitcom in critique. Ten towards elongated skits, with good dialogue, but aren't sitcoms.

Sitcoms need distinctive, characters, with relationships, and strong plots.

And lots of commas.

Quote: sootyj @ June 27 2008, 1:31 PM BST

It's not bad, but also not distinctive.

Too make a very general comment, i think alot of people who write sitcom in critique. Ten towards elongated skits, with good dialogue, but aren't sitcoms.

Sitcoms need distinctive, characters, with relationships, and strong plots.

View original

Good point, well made.

I think you need to see evidence of character very early on, but sitcoms on here never do.

It's just aimless dialogue.

Quote: Seefacts @ June 27 2008, 1:32 PM BST

I think you need to see evidence of character very early on, but sitcoms on here never do.

It's just aimless dialogue.

View original

People seems to make that hard for themselves by having characters that are very similar. "2 mates in a flat" or variations of, will need good writing to split the voices up.