Nibbles, this has been edited, alot, honest.

A BUSY COUNCIL OFFICE, TIM IS AT HIS DESK TALKING TO HIS BOSS. THERE IS A LARGE RABBIT ON THE DESK.

TIM

At last you’ve recruited some one new. It’s been hell trying to run school dinner contracts with only one person in the team.

BOSS

Well Tim, you’ve done an exceptional job.

TIM

It had to be done, and where’s the newbie? More to the point, why have they left their rabbit on my desk?

BOSS

Er Tim, that’s your new colleague, Mr Nibbles. He’s just transferred here from a field out back.

TIM

Jokes over where’s my new colleague? A rabbit can’t negotiate complex local authority contracts. Oi he’s pooing in my intray!

BOSS

Tim I am most disappointed in you. Swap the word rabbit for Kosovan. A Kosovan can’t negotiate complex local authority contracts. Oi he’s pooing in my intray.

TIM

He’s a rabbit! He has got no bloody place in a modern local authority. He is a fluffy tailed, lettuce eating, refugee from Watership down!

THE OFFICE HAS GONE SILENT EVERY ONE IS STARING AT TIM.
JIM (BLACK GOES UPTO HIM)

JIM

First it’s the rabbits, then what? Maybe I should take the Windrush back to the Caribbean?

BOSS

Tim, this is serious, I’m putting you on cultural, religious, lapin sensitivity training.
Mr Nibbles is the new SC3 accounts officer, deal with it.

TIM

But I’m only SC2, the bloody furball outranks me!

SCENE2

TIM, BOSS AND MR NIBBLES ARE IN A MEETING.

BOSS

Tim, I’ve called this meeting about your ongoing conflicts with Mr Nibbles. Tim are you aware of the councils anti bullying policy?

TIM

Yes

BOSS

Tim you’ve been constantly whistling Bright Eyes, changing Mr Nibbles screen saver to the snare scene from Watership Down, and made endless jokes about breeding like rabbits.

TIM

Can I stop you there I’d like to have my union rep with me.

BOSS

That’s your right Tim, where is he?

TIM

Right here.

TIM PICKS UP A BIG CAT CARRY BOX, HE OPENS THE FLAP AT THE FRONT.

TIM

Meet my union rep, Mr Whiskers.

AN ENORMOUS CAT LEAPS OUT AND BLOODILY KILLS THE RABBIT.

BOSS

Oh well. Maybe local government isn’t ready for rabbits in contract oversight?

TIM

Maybe not, hey Mr Whiskers only wanted the eyes, want to split Mr Nibbles remains.

BOSS

He was quite plump, go on then.

Very good.

Yes good. Edgy and funny. And I don't think there is much scope for further trimming.

One small point. You have overdone the Watership Down references a bit. There must be some other lapine cultural reference points. Beatrix Potter? Harvey? Night of the Lepus? (Maybe not the last one.)

Get a mixy reference in there!

Thanks,

mixy? Is this a famous rabbit I haven't heard of?

Oh mixamotosis!

Will do. It's like the Rabbit Holocaust, and of course Rabbit Proof fence.

Quote: sootyj @ June 26 2008, 5:21 PM BST

A BUSY COUNCIL OFFICE, TIM IS AT HIS DESK TALKING TO HIS BOSS. THERE IS A LARGE RABBIT ON THE DESK.

TIM

At last you’ve recruited some one new. It’s been hell trying to run school dinner contracts with only one person in the team.

BOSS

Well Tim, you’ve done an exceptional job.

TIM

It had to be done, and where’s the newbie? More to the point, why have they left their rabbit on my desk?

BOSS

Er Tim, that’s your new colleague, Mr Nibbles. He’s just transferred here from a field out back.

TIM

Jokes over where’s my new colleague? A rabbit can’t negotiate complex local authority contracts. Oi he’s pooing in my intray!

BOSS

Tim I am most disappointed in you. Swap the word rabbit for Kosovan. A Kosovan can’t negotiate complex local authority contracts. Oi he’s pooing in my intray.

TIM

He’s a rabbit! He has got no bloody place in a modern local authority. He is a fluffy tailed, lettuce eating, refugee from Watership down!

THE OFFICE HAS GONE SILENT EVERY ONE IS STARING AT TIM.
JIM (BLACK GOES UPTO HIM)

JIM

First it’s the rabbits, then what? Maybe I should take the Windrush back to the Caribbean?

BOSS

Tim, this is serious, I’m putting you on cultural, religious, lapin sensitivity training.
Mr Nibbles is the new SC3 accounts officer, deal with it.

TIM

But I’m only SC2, the bloody furball outranks me!

SCENE2

TIM, BOSS AND MR NIBBLES ARE IN A MEETING.

BOSS

Tim, I’ve called this meeting about your ongoing conflicts with Mr Nibbles. Tim are you aware of the councils anti bullying policy?

TIM

Yes

BOSS

Tim you’ve been constantly whistling Bright Eyes, joking about Mixamatosis the rabbit holocaust, and making endless jokes about breeding like rabbits, and wanting a rabbit proof fence.

TIM

Can I stop you there I’d like to have my union rep with me.

BOSS

That’s your right Tim, where is he?

TIM

Right here.

TIM PICKS UP A BIG CAT CARRY BOX, HE OPENS THE FLAP AT THE FRONT.

TIM

Meet my union rep, Mr Whiskers.

AN ENORMOUS CAT LEAPS OUT AND BLOODILY KILLS THE RABBIT.

BOSS

Oh well. Maybe local government isn’t ready for rabbits in contract oversight?

TIM

Maybe not, hey Mr Whiskers only wanted the eyes, want to split Mr Nibbles remains.

BOSS

He was quite plump, go on then.

View original

I like this, thought it may have ended with this line:

BOSS

Oh well. Maybe local government isn’t ready for rabbits in contract oversight?

I think that this is a strong enough ending, I thought that the 'plump' line was probably the weakest line in an otherwise strong sketch.

You could be well right, I'm quite obsessive about transformation in skits.

e.g. SC3 officer, to tasty dinner.

But there's no point in writing for myself alone.

Will probably make those changes in a version I send anywhere.

Perhaps it's because this is more my kind of comedy, Sootyj, but this is the best of your sketches in my view. And I'm not just talking about yesterday's batch - I'm talking about your work as a whole.

It's perhaps a mite wordy in places, and I agree with Sofa_Matt about the ending (incidentally, I think you should leave the evisceration of the rabbit OS and rely on sound FX), but the idea is a strong one and has obviously had some work put into it.

Bravo, sir.

Thank you sir,

I do try writing everything, all the time, which I'm starting to see doesn't work. Have put my screenplay, and sitcoms on ice for a few weeks.

n.b. didn't mean actually have Mr Whiskers eviscerate poor Mr Nibbles for real.

Mind you, I might do it with people in plushy costumes, and lashings of ketchup.

This skit took exactly 5 minutes 37 seconds to write. I've started timing myself to correlate quality, to time taken. Currentyl it's a bit bloody random.

Quote: sootyj @ June 27 2008, 10:04 AM BST

n.b. didn't mean actually have Mr Whiskers eviscerate poor Mr Nibbles for real.

View original

That's fine, but then you can't write:

AN ENORMOUS CAT LEAPS OUT AND BLOODILY KILLS THE RABBIT.

As well you know, scene descriptions tell us what we can see. If you want to have the attack happen non-visually you need to present it something like this:

AN ENORMOUS CAT LEAPS OUT OF THE BOX AT MR NIBBLES.

F/X: SHREDDING AND SQUEALING AS RABBIT TORN APART.

Thanks, thats useful practical advice, will bear in mind for the future.

Quote: sootyj @ June 27 2008, 10:04 AM BST

This skit took exactly 5 minutes 37 seconds to write. I've started timing myself to correlate quality, to time taken. Currentyl it's a bit bloody random.

View original

I often spend longer than that agonising over a single line. Slow down and you could be awesome.

The best sketches often take the least time, because a strong idea will write itself. But inspiration does not fall every day, and sometimes it is worth putting in the effort to turn a weak idea into a slickly executed sketch.