scene from office based sitcom

INT. OFFICE – DAY. THE PHONE ON MIKE’S DESK RINGS. TOMMY ANSWERS IT.

TOMMY
HELLO DEPARTMENT OF

MIKE
TOMMY IT’S MIKE. IS JOHN THERE?

TOMMY
YEAH HOLD ON. (SHOUTS) JOHN. HOW ARE YOU ANYWAY MIKE?

MIKE
NOT GOOD MATE. NOT GOOD.

TOMMY
IT’S MIKE

JOHN
JESUS. WHAT IS IT THIS TIME? HI MIKE

MIKE
HI JOHN, LISTEN I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT IN TODAY

JOHN
WHAT’S UP?

MIKE
SEE MY DOG IS PREGNANT

JOHN
UH HUH

MIKE
AND WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE FOR US NOW Y’KNOW FINANCIALLY AND WITH THE STRESS INVOLVED

JOHN
YEAH?

MIKE
WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET IT ABORTED

JOHN
THE?

MIKE
YEAH

JOHN
CAN DOGS GET ABORTIONS?

MIKE
YEAH AS LONG AS IT’S NOT TOO FAR ALONG AFTER THE Y’KNOW MATING

JOHN
RIGHT

(beat)
MIKE
JOHN ARE YOU STILL THERE?

JOHN
YEAH I’M JUST TRYING TO WORK OUT HOW TO CLASSIFY THIS ON YOUR ABSENCE FORM

MIKE
PUT IT DOWN AS FAMILY ILLNESS

JOHN
MIKE IT’S NOT TECHNICALLY

MIKE
OH SO CAT LADY GETS A DAY OFF FOR MR TIDDLES FUNERAL BUT I CAN’T GET ONE TO GET BONNIE AN ABORTION

JOHN
C’MON MIKE MR TIDDLES WAS EILEEN’S ONLY FAMILY TO SPEAK OF

MIKE
SHE BURIED HIM IN HER GARDEN IT’S NOT LIKE SHE HAD TO GO ANYWHERE
WE SEE EILEEN IN FUNERAL GARB IN THE RAIN IN HER BACK GARDEN ABOVE A GRAVE MARKED MR. TIDDLES 2000-2004

MIKE
AND YOU GAVE HER A HALF DAY FOR MR BOJANGLES AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A FUNERAL FOR THAT ONE
WE SEE EILEEN SITTING AT HER DESK, NEXT TO HER IS A STUFED CAT WITH A NAMEPLATE WHICH READS MR BOJANGLES 2004-2007

JOHN
OKAY, OKAY. FAMILY LEAVE IT IS. MIKE?

MIKE
YEAH

JOHN
MAYBE I SHOULDN’T BE ASKING THIS BUT IS ABORTION THE RIGHT THING TO DO? EITHICALLY I MEAN, COULDN’T YOU SELL THE PUPPIES?

MIKE
YOU AIN’T SEEN MY DOG JOHN, IT’S A CHINESE CRESTED HAIRLESS.WE CALL HER AMY WINEHOUSE JR JR. NO ONE WOULD BUY THOSE PUPPIES. WHICH LEAVES ME DOWN BY THE RIVER WITH A SACK AND A GUILTY CONSIENCE.AND ANYWAY I HAVE HER CONSET TO DO IT

JOHN
HOW DID YOU GET YOUR DOG’S PERMISSION TO GET IT AN ABORTION?

MIKE
ONE BARK FOR YES TWO BARKS FOR NO.

JOHN
BUT HOW WOULD SHE UNDERSTAND THE CONSEQUENCES?

MIKE
I THINK I EXPLAINED IT PRETTY CLEARLY

WE SEE MIKE SHOWING HIS DOG A BOOKLET ENTITLED "SO YOU WANT TO GET AN ABORTION". MIKE THEN RUBS HIS DOGS BELLY

MIKE
WOOF WOOF

MIKE SHAKES HIS HEAD THEN DRAWS HIS FINGER ACROSS HIS THROAT.

JOHN
OKAY MIKE FAIR ENOUGH. SO WE’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW THEN?

MIKE
IT DEPENDS ON HOW THE GREVING PROCESS IS GOING TO BE HONEST JOHN, FOR ALL OF US

JOHN
YEAH WELL, IF YOU COULD MAKE CONTACT EITHER WAY.

MIKE
WILL DO.

JOHN PUTS THE PHONE DOWN

It's not really sitcom, it's too mcuh banter.

But it's a very good skit, just needs a punchline. If you want to make it a sitcom, develop the characters, and their relationship more.

Is the boss weak, or exasperated or stupid etc.

And don't capitalise all the dialogue.

But otherwise good idea, and funny.

I think I've worked with Mike.

What sootyj said, although I thought it flowed very well.

Yes, lose the capitals on the dialogue. Please.

As Sooty says, the main problem is lack of pronounced characterisation with the boss. These lines could be hilarious, possibly, if you understood them in the context of the characters' personalities and relationships, but there is not much clue to that here. So they just stand or fall as jokes, which is not the point of sitcom. (Though there were some decent jokes in there.)

And while I am not opposed to cutaways in principle, there are too many for a short scene. Half the scripts posted on here at the moment seem to make use of cutaways, so if that it is a sample of what is passing across producers' desks it is not the way to stand out from the crowd.

On a technical note, how is this to be filmed? Telephone conversations are tricky on television. Is Mike voice only, is it split screen or are we cutting away from one character to the other? It is a long scene for any of those approaches. Telephone conversations often work best when we can only hear one side of the conversation, which with a bit of imaginative rewriting would be a possible approach here.

thanks for your comments
the mike character is based on a guy i used to work with who once phoned in sick saying he had only just realised he had been living in the wrong house for two years.
the intention would be to use him as a character who is never there, and always phoning in sick, perhaps like niles's wife in Frasier.
it's very much much in first draft stage but your right that cut away between the two would be too distracting

Quote: Monkey Stephen @ June 24 2008, 1:48 PM BST

the intention would be to use him as a character who is never there, and always phoning in sick, perhaps like niles's wife in Frasier.

View original

That's a good idea, but I think in that case I would go for hearing only one-side of the conversation.

And yes, I once worked in the same team as someone for six months a someone without ever meeting him. Whenever I was in the office he was always off sick, working a home or at a meeting somewhere else. Mind you he probably said the same thing about me...

n.b. with the cut aways a more subtle thing would be to pan, to photos of cats funerals, or stuffed cats on desks, breaks rhytmn less.

Also if it's an unseen character, who never comes in. Lose his dialogue and just use the bosses responses.