I've been writing this the last couple of weeks, and i'm really hoping to get some feedback for the re-write. I'm eventually hoping to send it off to the BBC. Although it's a long read, i'd really appreciate some constructive criticsm.
EDIT* Not sure why apostrophes are going coming like all weird and i don't know how to change it? 
Go to http://www.russellbrandfansite.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=508312#508312
If you want to read it without the messed up apostrophes.
'Insert Title Here' Sitcom Script.
Irwin
Insecure about himself.
Always trying to impress, following the right trends.
More into flings with girls.
Wants to be famous but not sure how yet.
Oakley
Quite laid back
Worries that sometimes he’s ‘boring’ for a teenager.
Very much into relationships.
He Wants Jenna (A girl he likes from uni)
Wants to learn an instrument, so he can serenade Jenna, because guys in films do it.
1.INT.O&W’S APARTMENT.NIGHT
OAKLEY, A LAID BACK 20 YEAR OLD UNIVERSITY STUDENT IS SITTING ON AN ARMCHAIR CHATTING TO HIS FRIEND ON THE PHONE.
(OAKLEY laughs.)
OAKLEY
(Fakes sympathy) Aww did it hurt did it? Did the little charity box hurt you?
IRWIN, WHO SHARES THE APARTMENT WITH OAKLEY, ENTERS THE ROOM IN FLAMBOYANT CLOTHES. IRWIN IS LOOKING AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR SORTING HIS HAIR OUT. OAKLEY NOTICES IRWIN ENTER THE ROOM.
OAKLEY
Okay well I have to go mate, the gayest thing in the universe has just entered the room. (IRWIN turns round and looks annoyed at OAKLEY, who’s still on the phone) No, I’m not coming out. It’s Irwin, he’s wearing...Irwin what are you wearing?
IRWIN
My outfit for tonight! It’s not gay!
OAKLEY
Irwin, I can’t think of anything in the world more gay than that! Even two penis’s cuddling is more heterosexual than that!
IRWIN
This doesn’t look gay at all! Just because it’s trendy, doesn’t mean it’s gay.
OAKLEY
It does when you wear it!
IRWIN
Hurry up, we’ve got to go!
OAKLEY
Yeah Ryan I gotta go. You sure you can’t make it tonight? Okay. Yep, I’ll definitely make tomorrow’s barbeque. No I won’t drink too much and get buggered...(Looks at IRWIN worriedly) or at least I hope not. I’ll see you tomorrow mate, bye.
IRWIN
So he’s not coming?
OAKLEY
No, a charity box fell on his head when he was tying his laces.
(Whilst the two of them are talking, OAKLEY gets up and puts on his coat)
IRWIN
Oh come on Oakley! You seriously don’t believe him do you?
OAKLEY
The Doctor told him, he’s concussed. (Patronizingly) Doctors aren’t allowed to lie, Irwin!
IRWIN
(Patronizingly)But Ryan is! How do you know there even was a Doctor? You’re the least inquisitive person I know!
OAKLEY
Look it doesn’t make me a bad person because I believe people. I’m honest to people, and I expect they are to me.
IRWIN
Okay, well that’s fair enough I was just...(IRWIN realises something to the left of him) wait, why is the word ‘gullible’ scratched into your guitar?
(OAKLEY rushes over to where IRWIN is looking)
OAKLEY
Where?
IRWIN
See what I mean? Firstly, who would scribble ‘gullible’ on your guitar? Secondly, you don’t even have a guitar!!
(OAKLEY can’t think of a comeback)
OAKLEY
You’re more gullible then me!
IRWIN
Oh really, well you know when your goldfish died, it was me who knocked the bowl over!
OAKLEY
(Gasp) You told me it must have been the goldfish trying to escape!
IRWIN
Since when have there been muscley kamikaze Goldfish?!
OAKLEY
Shut up! At least my outfit isn’t...that! (Points to IRWIN)
IRWIN
Gasp. Don’t diss the outfit, that’s below the belt!
OAKLEY
It is the belt! I mean look at it, that thing wouldn’t be fit to hang a murderer, (Lowers voice) let alone comfort one!
IRWIN
You won’t let this goldfish thing go will you?!
OAKLEY
(Lowers voice) Murderer!
(IRWIN looks at his watch)
IRWIN
Oh no look at the time! The restaurant will stop serving food soon.
OAKLEY
Oh really? Well I might just take my time, (Lowers voice) Murderer!
IRWIN
Come on, get your shoes on.
(OAKLEY tries to deliberately slow things down, and picks up a peanut wrapper and begins to read it)
OAKLEY
Oh look, a discarded peanut wrapper. I might take my time and read it. Ingredients...peanuts. Really?
IRWIN
Have you seen my keys?
OAKLEY
Ooh…only 1.5% salt!
IRWIN
I wish I stamped on them goldfish now. Hurry up!
OAKLEY
Fine I’m coming...hmm, now I always thought peanuts were nuts...but the other day I heard, that they’re fruit, because they have seeds.
(IRWIN has trouble putting his shoes on and falls behind the couch)
OAKLEY
But where are the seeds kept? In the legume?
(IRWIN rises from behind the couch, slightly flustered)
IRWIN
In a nutshell, yes! Now let’s go!
2. INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
OAKLEY AND IRWIN ARE EATING A MEAL TOGETHER AT A TABLE IN A RESTAURANT.
IRWIN
This is pretty gay isn’t it? Two male students, who are living together going out for a meal in a restaurant, like this. It’s gayish.
OAKLEY
Not really, we’re just getting a bite to eat before we go into that stupid club you’re dragging me to.
IRWIN
Look, other people are looking at us. They think we’re a gay couple.
(OAKLEY leans in and speaks seriously.)
OAKLEY
Let them think that, as long as we know we’re in love
(OAKLEY laughs.)
IRWIN
Shut up! Come on, let’s talk about manly things.
OAKLEY
Like what?
IRWIN
Like... fire!
OAKLEY
Fire?! What kind of man talks about fire?
IRWIN
Fine, what about logs? Or moustaches? They’re masculine things, which masculine guys like me talk about.
OAKLEY
Look we’d appear much more masculine if we were going to a pub, instead of a club.
IRWIN
No way! How are we supposed to pull ‘chicks’ at a pub?
OAKLEY
Okay, who call’s girls, ‘chicks’ in this day and age?
IRWIN
Club guys.
OAKLEY
I can’t stand clubs! Why do you do this to me? There’s so many things wrong with them! The music is way too loud! The music isn’t music you can sing along to, it’s just beats! You have to be exceptional at ‘grinding’ to form any kind of relationship with a girl in the club, and if you did form a relationship with one, it wouldn’t be through conversation as you can’t hear yourself in there! You could pull a girl, then take her outside for her to reveal she wants to kill all black people!
IRWIN
What?
OAKLEY
If you were in a pub, you’d find out the girl was a racist basically straight away, through conversation.
IRWIN
We’re going clubbing tonight and I don’t care what you say. (Gloats) Yeah, I fancy pulling a hand’s on sort tonight, someone who can’t stop touching me.
OAKLEY
(sigh) Insert ‘witty gay comment’ here.
IRWIN
Come on let’s get the bill, cos if we go in after 9, it costs more.
OAKLEY
Fine.
(IRWIN notices OAKLEY hasn’t put in a tip)
IRWIN
How tight are you?
OAKLEY
What are you talking about?
IRWIN
Where’s the tip, Fagin?
OAKLEY
Meh, I don’t feel like tipping today.
IRWIN
What do you mean, you don’t feel like tipping? What kind of an idiot doesn’t tip?
OAKLEY
What’s this obsession with tipping? A waiter takes our plate out of the way; we’re forced into giving him a £5 tip. A doctor takes our tumour out of the way and we don’t give him anything!
IRWIN
You’re so embarrassing; I’m going to have to put in an extra couple of quid in now!
OAKLEY
What? Why are you doing that? Blimey, you make me sound like Hitler or something?
IRWIN
Yeah, well I bet Hitler even tipped.
OAKLEY
Oh yes, he was a wonderful man that Hitler. A real ambassador for tipping.
3. EXT. OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT. NIGHT
OAKLEY AND IRWIN BEGIN WALKING DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS THE CLUB THEY’RE GOING TO.
OAKLEY
So anyway, I don’t even know how to dance properly, why are you taking me to this club?
IRWIN
I guarantee you’ll enjoy yourself! It’ll be far out!
OAKLEY
Again with these phrases? Who says ‘far out’ anymore?
IRWIN
Guys like me.
(OAKLEY pretends to misunderstand him.)
OAKLEY
Gays like you?
IRWIN
(Annoyed)
I’m gonna get a girl to grind you so hard!
OAKLEY
(Sarcastic)
I believe it was Churchill who first used that quote wasn’t it?
IRWIN
Enough with the World War II comebacks, they don’t work! Come on walk faster, you’re cramping my style!
OAKLEY
How can I cramp it further? Your style’s more cramped than Anne Frank.
(IRWIN looks at him disapprovingly)
OAKLEY
Oh no, I need to go to the toilet.
IRWIN
So? Just go in the club, we’re only a minute away.
OAKLEY
No, I don’t like them toilets! Drunken men looming over you! It’s more your scene!
(IRWIN looks annoyed at OAKLEY)
OAKLEY
I mean, it’s only a wee, but I still don’t want an audience.
IRWIN
Well go back into the restaurant
OAKLEY
No, that’ll be awkward. “Hey, I purposefully didn’t tip you, but may I come back in to use the bog?”
IRWIN
Good point.
(IRWIN spots a public toilet in front of them.)
IRWIN
Oh look! Look over there, a public toilet!
OAKLEY
Where?
IRWIN
Near the homeless guy.
(OAKLEY sees the toilet and they both begin to walk in that direction.)
OAKLEY
Oh that was lucky.
IRWIN
So if you were a homeless fella, where would you live?
(OAKLEY looks confused)
OAKLEY
I think you answered your own question there?
IRWIN
No, I mean where would you stay and ask for change? Where would be your base? I mean, it’d be pointless sitting around asking for change on a golf course?
OAKLEY
An amusement park.
IRWIN
Hmm, yeah ‘cos you can’t really say ‘Oh I’ve got no change mate’, as he sees you play on the fruit machines.
OAKLEY
Although, you would get sick of the same music they play on them 2p machines? What’s that tune?
OAKLEY & IRWIN WALK PAST THE HOMELESS MAN, WHO REACHES OUT WITH AN OPEN HAND.
HOMELESS MAN
Have you got any change?
IRWIN
No
OAKLEY
No
IRWIN
I know the tune you mean though. Oh what is it?
OAKLEY APPROACHES THE PUBLIC TOILET DOOR AND PULLS THE HANDLE. IT’S LOCKED.
OAKLEY
It’s locked? Why is it...Why is it locked?
IRWIN
I don’t know?
OAKLEY
Why have a public toilet, for the public to have a toilet in, only for it to be locked?
IRWIN
Oh look, it’s one of those coin operated toilets
OAKLEY
What?
IRWIN
(Points to a sign)
Look, 20p to go in.
OAKLEY
So I have to pay money to use the public toilet? Which belongs to the public? How can that be?
IRWIN
I don’t know?
OAKLEY
Why don’t we charge kids to play in parks? Or dogs to have leads? Or toasters to have toast or something? It’s so stupid! Have you got 20p?
IRWIN
No, I gave all my change to the waiter because you didn’t tip.
OAKLEY
What kind of country is this? Burma’s been in war for 60 years and they can piss wherever they like!
IRWIN
Just use the club toilets then.
(OAKLEY notices the HOMELESS MAN)
OAKLEY
Hold on.
(OAKLEY walks over to the HOMELESS MAN and hunches down to talk to him)
OAKLEY
Excuse me mate, I know this may sound ironic, but have you got any change?
HOMELESS MAN
What?
OAKLEY
Have you got any change, because I’ve only got pound coins and notes you see? And that public toilet only accepts 20ps.
HOMELESS MAN
(He doesn’t understand.)
Spare some change?
OAKLEY
No you’re missing the point. Have you got like 5 20’s in your cap or something, and I’ll swap it for a pound. Or you could just give me 20p?
HOMELESS MAN
You want me, a tramp, to give you money?
OAKLEY
(Gestures by holding his crotch)
Well, I am busting!
HOMELESS MAN
(Slightly angry)
I haven’t got a roof on my head, a meal in my stomach and you want me to give you money?
OAKLEY
Forget it then. Some people are so selfish!
(OAKLEY turns back to IRWIN)
IRWIN
What are you going to do?
OAKLEY
I’m going to have to wee in the alley, I’ll just be a minute.
IRWIN
Oh, don’t leave me with...
(IRWIN Realises the HOMELESS MAN can hear him)
OAKLEY WALKS OFF TO URINATE IN THE ALLEY. IRWIN IS LEFT STANDING NEAR THE HOMELESS MAN. IRWIN TRIES TO START A CONVERSATION.
IRWIN
Alright
HOMELESS MAN
Spare any change?
IRWIN
I can’t I gave all my change to a waiter, because my mate wouldn’t tip.
HOMELESS MAN
Oh okay
IRWIN
It was a big slap up meal you see. (Sounds like he’s rubbing it in to the HOMELESS MAN) We even had appetisers, so I felt the waiter deserved it.
HOMELESS MAN
Yeah
IRWIN
What’s it like being a homeless man?
HOMELESS MAN
Cold.
IRWIN
Yeah, that must get you down. But, one thing I’ve always thought was good about being homeless, is that you’re your own boss. You can have as much of a lay in as you want, without worrying about setting the alarm. Then when you do wake up, you don’t have to worry about getting all the way to work, because you’re already at work.
HOMELESS MAN
What?
IRWIN
Unless, you don’t consider ‘asking for change’ work? I Bet it aches the tongue, saying that a lot.
THE HOMELESS MAN IS FINDING IRWIN’S CONVERSATION ODD. LUCKILY OAKLEY RETURNS AND THE TWO RETURN TO WALKING TO THE CLUB.
OAKLEY
Alright
IRWIN
Let’s go. Good wee?
OAKLEY
Average.
IRWIN
I’m still trying to remember that amusement park tune.
OAKLEY
Yeah same here.
IRWIN
I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Wait! Wait!
IRWIN BEGINS HUMMING JEAN MICHEL JARRE’S ‘OXYGENE IV’ SONG. OAKLEY REMEMBERS IT AND JOINS IN. THE TWO ARE DOING THIS QUITE LOUDLY IN THE STREET AND THE HOMELESS MAN LOOKS CONFUSED AT THEM.
IRWIN
I don’t know any more
OAKLEY
No me neither. Maybe they’ll play it in the club?
IRWIN
You really haven’t been to many clubs have you!
HOMELESS MAN
(In the distance) Have you got any change?
IRWIN
Let’s hum it again!
IRWIN AND OAKLEY BEGIN HUMMING THE SAME SONG AGAIN. WHILST THEY’RE DOING THIS, THEY PUT THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER AND BEGIN WALKING TOWARDS THE CLUB. THE HOMELESS MAN STILL LOOKS CONFUSED AT THEM AND CHUCKS SOME CHANGE AT THEM. NEITHER OAKLEY OR IRWIN NOTICE THIS AS THEY CARRY ON WALKING TOWARDS THE CLUB.
4.INT.NIGHTCLUB.NIGHT
OAKLEY AND IRWIN ARE STANDING AGAINST THE WALL WHILST EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CLUB SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING THEMSELVES.
IRWIN
Look at us. People think we’re gay and looking for some guy fun
OAKLEY
Why do they?
IRWIN
We’re drinking women’s drinks?
OAKLEY
Look, just because we don’t like the taste of lager doesn’t mean we’re gay!
IRWIN
It doesn’t?
OAKLEY
No. Although that’s what they said about Gok Wan and look how much nob he loves.
(OAKLEY laughs at a worried IRWIN)
IRWIN
Very funny. I need a toilet now.
OAKLEY
You do? Why didn’t you go in the alley with me?
IRWIN
Oh yeah, because that’s not gay is it? Weeing with each other in an alley!
OAKLEY
Well if you have to go, hurry up. You look like such a loner when you’re by yourself in a club. I hate it!
IRWIN
Okay I’ll just be a minute.
5.INT.NIGHTCLUB MEN’S TOILETS. NIGHT
IRWIN ENTERS THE MENS TOILETS. A HAND WASHER IS IN THE ROOM ASWELL, WITH A TRAY OF SCENTS, SOAPS AND AFTERSHAVES FOR PEOPLE WANTING TO FRESHEN UP. HE BEGINS CONVERSATION WITH IRWIN WHO HAS WALKED TO THE URINAL AND STARTED WEEING.
HAND WASHER
How are you my friend?
IRWIN
Oh I’m fine thanks, and yourself?
HAND WASHER
I’m fantastic.
(IRWIN looks at the HAND WASHER with confusion. He’s not sure what he’s doing but starts a conversation to try and ease the awkwardness)
IRWIN
Let me put something forward to you, do you know where there is a gap in the market for advertising?
HAND WASHER
No?
IRWIN
Homeless people. You see homeless people all the time, and if say, this club advertised on a woolly hat, and then gave the homeless person the woolly hat, everyone would be a winner. People would see the club logo on the hat, and think ‘I must go to ‘Shock’, it sounds like a cracking club’, and also the tramp would be happy because it gets a free woolly hat out of it.
HAND WASHER
Yes you’re right.
IRWIN
Does that count as an invention though. I’ve always wanted to be on the Dragons Den, but I don’t know if that counts. I wonder if I could bring a tramp with me.
HAND WASHER
You could try
IRWIN ZIPS UP HIS TROUSERS AND GOES TO WASH HIS HANDS. THE HAND WASHER GRABS IRWIN’S HANDS AND STARTS WASHING THEM
IRWIN
You know you’re right, I could...What are you doing?
HAND WASHER
Washing your hands with quality soap.
IRWIN
Oh okay...if you want? You’re not gay are you?
HAND WASHER
No I like the ‘chicks’
IRWIN
You say ‘chicks’ too?
HAND WASHER
Yes, do you?
IRWIN
Yeah.
HAND WASHER
Far out.
THE HAND WASHER FINISHES WASHING IRWINS HANDS.
IRWIN
Well cheers for that. My friend thinks going into club toilets is awkward, but it’s not. I mean I don’t know why you’re standing here doing what you’re doing, chilling in the mens, but it’s nice to talk to somebody whilst you’re in the loo. Cheers mate.
THE HAND WASHER STOPS IRWIN LEAVING WITH HIS ARM AND IRWIN TURNS AROUND.
HAND WASHER
You need to do a donation.
IRWIN
Do a donation? Is that some kind of dance?
HAND WASHER
No, you need to pay me a donation
IRWIN
Are you dying?
HAND WASHER
No, I washed your hands
IRWIN
You washed my hands?
HAND WASHER
Yes, now please give me a donation, sir.
IRWIN
So all that ‘Yes I love the tramp advertising idea’ talk we had, was a scam to get money off me?
HAND WASHER
Only a small donation.
IRWIN
You’ve rouged me. Hold on, you didn’t even warn me? You literally grabbed my hand and started scrubbing! At what point, did it look like I couldn’t do that by myself?
HAND WASHER
It is what I do. Do you want a towel?
IRWIN
Do you need to donate money for that aswell?
HAND WASHER
Yes
IRWIN
Then definitely not.
HAND WASHER
Just any donation will do.
IRWIN
No, it’s the principle! I don’t go up to people, press the traffic light button for them, and demand a donation when the man goes green! They can do that themselves!
HAND WASHER
That’s a good idea!
IRWIN
No that’s not a good idea! A good idea was the tramp with the advertising woolly hat, that was a good idea! But I’m not even sure about that now, because you put me in a false mind set. I’m not paying you.
HAND WASHER
Then you cannot leave
IRWIN
What are you? The Berlin wall? Of course I can leave!
THE HAND WASHER STEPS IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AND DOESN’T LET IRWIN WALK OUT. IRWIN IS GETTING FRUSTRATED.
IRWIN
Move! Get out the way!
HAND WASHER
Never, not until I get donation!
IRWIN
For the last time, I’m not giving you any money!
HAND WASHER
No donation, no leaving.
IRWIN
Fine. We take as long as you like.
6. INT. CLUB DANCEFLOOR. NIGHT
OAKLEY IS IN THE CLUB BY HIMSELF. EVERYONE ELSE IS DANCING WITH THEIR FRIENDS HAVING FUN.
OAKLEY
How long is he taking?
(A GIRL bumps into OAKLEY)
GIRL
Sorry, I’m a bit drunk
OAKLEY
Lol! Aren’t we all!
GIRL
How much have you had?
OAKLEY
Well, to be honest, I’ve only had one, but spiritually I’m very drunk.
GIRL
Far out!
OAKLEY
What?
GIRL
Cool specs!
OAKLEY
Thanks
GIRL
Can I try them on?
OAKLEY
What?
GIRL
Let me try your glasses on?
OAKLEY
Nah
GIRL
You’re no fun!
OAKLEY
No it’s not that, I just don’t like people playing with my glasses? What’s the best you’re going to do with them?
GIRL
I just wanted to try them on.
OAKLEY
Yes I know that, but I don’t go up to a disabled fella, and go ‘Alright mate, I know you can’t walk without your wheelchair, but can you get off it, as I want to ride it for a bit?’
GIRL
(GIRL loses interest)
Okay whatever. Oh hi Clarissa!
(GIRL wanders off)
OAKLEY
Oh this is horrible! Where is Irwin?!
(Cuts to OAKLEY alone in the club.)
IRWIN
This is ridiculous!
HAND WASHER
I am sick of cleaning people’s hands, and them not leaving without paying me
IRWIN
Get a proper job then! Become a manicure person if you like hands!
HAND WASHER
I come from a foreign country, it’s hard for me to get a job.
IRWIN
(sarcastic)
Yeah, because foreigners don’t get jobs in this country! How stupid am I, thinking a foreigner could get a job?
HAND WASHER
If you want to leave, you have to give donation! I will even accept one penny!
IRWIN
You’re holding me here, for the matter of one bloody penny!
HAND WASHER
It’s called dignity
IRWIN
It’s called being a moron! Fine! I’ll give you 1p, but don’t think I’ll be breaking the 2p barrier for you my friend!
(IRWIN realises he has no change)
IRWIN
Right, I’ve just remembered I have no change! I gave it all to a waiter, because my friend wouldn’t tip him!
HAND WASHER
Whatever
IRWIN
I’m telling the truth! Ask the tramp across the street if you don’t believe me!
HAND WASHER
You can not leave without paying me
IRWIN
What if I washed your hands, would that make us equal?
HAND WASHER
Maybe.
(Cuts to OAKLEY alone in the club)
OAKLEY
This is mental!
(A different girl approaches him)
GIRL 2
Hey Silver, where’s...eew you’re not silver
(GIRL 2 wanders off)
(OAKLEY puts his hand into his face, and then gets his phone out. He attempts to ring IRWIN but he’s not got his phone on.)
OAKLEY
Turn your phone on! Where are you? For the last 10 minutes, I’ve been pretending to text people on my phone, and I think people are realising I’m not really doing it.
(Cuts to IRWIN in the toilet)
(IRWIN is washing the HAND WASHER’s hands thoroughly)
IRWIN
Right, I’ve washed your hands now, I’m free to go
HAND WASHER
Not yet. More.
IRWIN
More? What? Have you got three hands?
HAND WASHER
No, wash my arms.
IRWIN
Your arms!? That wasn’t part of the deal? You didn’t wash my arms!
HAND WASHER
Do you want me to wash your arms?
IRWIN
No!
HAND WASHER
Stop complaining. Wash my arms and I will let you leave!
IRWIN
I want a donation for this.
(Guys walk in to go to the toilet whilst IRWIN is washing the HAND WASHER’s arms)
IRWIN
Alright guys, nothing weird or gay happening here. Just washing another guys arms! So yeah, that fire the other day! That was a big fire wasn’t it.
(Guys are looking oddly at IRWIN)
(OAKLEY is still in the club by himself. OAKLEY leans in towards somebody to try and create conversation)
OAKLEY
Does the dance floor really need that much fake smoke? Someone’s going to have to call the fake fire brigade!
(OAKLEY laughs at his poor joke a the person just continues dancing without acknowledging OAKLEY.)
OAKLEY
Right, I’m sick of this, where is Irwin?
(OAKLEY walks towards the men’s toilets)
(There is a big fuss outside the men’s toilets. A GUY is shouting)
GUY
Hey blud! There’s two gays in here, bumming each other and stuff! They’re puffs!
(IRWIN gets pushed out by a SECURITY GUARD.)
IRWIN
We wasn’t bumming each other! We’re not gay! I’m not gay! I was washing his shoulders and then he was going to let me go!
SECURITY GUARD
Sure he was. Now get out, and kiss blokes in other club’s toilets, alright?
IRWIN
I definitely wasn’t kissing him! That’s ridiculous!
7. EXT. STREET OUTSIDE THE CLUB. NIGHT
(The crowd from inside the club chant ‘Nah nah nah nah! Nah nah nah nah! Hey Hey Hey! Cottager!)
(IRWIN & OAKLEY walk out of the club, with OAKLEY laughing at IRWIN)
OAKLEY
You should see the look on your face. You said you fancied pulling a hands on sort tonight didn’t you? You can’t get more hands on then bumming?
IRWIN
Nothing gay happened in that toilet.
OAKLEY
You took the words right from George Michaels mouth!
IRWIN
Shutup!
OAKLEY
Oh what a night! Let’s go clubbing every night!
IRWIN
Never again! All because I never had any bloody change!
(They walk past the HOMELESS MAN)
HOMELESS MAN
Spare any change?
IRWIN
NO! I HAVEN’T GOT ANY CHANGE!
OAKLEY
Alright, Irwin! Calm down! It’s not his fault!
IRWIN
Sorry, I had a tough night. I didn’t have the best of luck in a club.
HOMELESS MAN
You had a tough night?! YOU had a tough night? What do you think it’s like living in the freezing cold streets every night and every day? Starving. The other day I literally had to eat a baby!
(OAKLEY and IRWIN look at each other confused.)
HOMELESS MAN
There’s a hostel down the road, I went there once, and it was only £10 for a whole night and breakfast too! Everyone inside there was so nice to me! Not one person spat at me! Imagine that?!
(IRWIN phlegms. OAKLEY looks at him disapprovingly.)
HOMELESS MAN
But the moment you run out of money, they become the opposite. The moment I ran out of coins they chucked me out then they went back in to chuck my stuff out, and I was lying on the floor there and it hit me...
OAKLEY
What hit you?
HOMELESS MAN
My stuff!! I had a black eye for days! Which ironically, gave me added sympathy and I got people offering me more food in the street and chatting to me. So boys, I’m gonna ask you to do something for me. This may sound odd but I don’t want you to refuse. Can you hit me? Give me a black eye, or a cut lip. Just something so tomorrow, I might get enough money from the sympathy to spend another night in...heaven.
OAKLEY
We have to help this guy.
IRWIN
But we haven’t got any change.
OAKLEY
I’m gonna do that one thing, which doesn’t happen to these folk often.
IRWIN
You’re gonna hit him?
OAKLEY
No!
IRWIN
Good, cos you know. He’d beat you up.
OAKLEY
No he wouldn’t.
IRWIN
He would cos I’d help him.
(OAKLEY turns to the HOMELESS MAN and hands him £10)
OAKLEY
(Emotional)
There you go mate, heaven’s on me.
IRWIN
Oakley that’s ludicrous!
OAKLEY
Not as ludicrous as the way this country is treating our homeless! (Turns to the HOMELESS MAN)
Bet you’ve never seen one of those before. Don’t eat it. It’s £10, you can go to that hostel now and be warm for the night.
HOMELESS MAN
Thanks kid, you’re the next Jesus.
OAKLEY
Yep.
(HOMELESS MAN limps off into the distance)
IRWIN
Remember you said you’re paying for the taxi tonight.
(OAKLEY and IRWIN begin to walk down the street.)
OAKLEY
No I didn’t!
IRWIN
Yes you did!
OAKLEY
Right, we’ll play the yes/no game to settle it. If you say the words ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in a time limit of two minutes, then I’ll win and you’ll have to pay the taxi okay?
IRWIN
Yeah, okay.
OAKLEY
I win! You said ‘yes’!
IRWIN
What? No!
OAKLEY
I win again! You said ‘no’!
IRWIN
No, we haven’t started yet! We haven’t started the game yet, you didn’t say go!
OAKLEY
Fine, go. Do you like elephants?
IRWIN
(Pause)
Not much
OAKLEY
Do you go around with the Ku Klux Klan?
IRWIN
(Pause)
...regularly
OAKLEY
Are you gay?
IRWIN
(Long Pause whilst IRWIN’s trying to think)
Definitely.
OAKLEY
Oooh I’ve recorded that on my phone!
(IRWIN looks annoyed)
OAKLEY
Oooh! You said ‘yes’!
IRWIN
No I didn’t!
OAKLEY
You just said ‘no’! I win!!
IRWIN
You’re such a cheater!
OAKLEY
How did I cheat? You said ‘no’! It’s not like you didn’t!
IRWIN
For Gods sake! This night has been so crap!
(OAKLEY realises IRWIN is about to lose his temper)
OAKLEY
Fine... fine...we’ll flip a coin on it then. (Smiling) Got any change?
(IRWIN looks annoyed and then begins to roll up his sleeves. Whilst he’s doing this OAKLEY sees the HOMELESS MAN in the distance.)
OAKLEY
Oh look there’s that homeless man, I wonder why he’s gone this way. The hostel’s the other way.
IRWIN
Oh he’s probably got lost or something. Come on we’ve done enough for him tonight, Geldof.
OAKLEY
No hold on...
IRWIN
Oh come on, you’ve already given him a tenner. Leave the git alone.
OAKLEY
Look at you! You’re so mean to the homeless!
IRWIN
I’ve never been mean to them!
OAKLEY
What about when you used to give them tramps the stupid free cds we used to get?
IRWIN
They appreciated them CDs.
OAKLEY
Yeah, you told them ‘AOL Trial’ was a rock band! What did you expect they’d do? Get broadband on their beards?
IRWIN
I dunno? Come on let’s go...
OAKLEY
No, wait a minute, wait a minute...
(OAKLEY is thinking)
IRWIN
Why don’t you two get a room!
OAKLEY
You know you’re right...
IRWIN
What? Are you gonna stay with him in the hostel?
OAKLEY
No! What you said earlier tonight, about me not being inquisitive enough. What if trampy over there, is going and wasting my money on something else? Look he’s heading towards that newsagents!
IRWIN
He’s probably getting directions, let’s go home.
OAKLEY
No, I want to follow him. I want to make sure my money’s being used properly.
IRWIN
Well I hardly think he’s buying Tramps Monthly.
OAKLEY
Well I’m gonna find out what he’s buying.
IRWIN
Well don’t get too close to him, don’t make it obvious we’re following him.
OAKLEY
(Sarcastically)
Alright, Bond.
(The two of them start closely following the HOMELESS MAN. ‘Giacomo Puccini - O Mio Babbino Caro (Kiri Te Kanawa)’ plays in the background. All you can hear is the music.)
(The two of them suspiciously start walking towards the HOMELESS MAN.)
(The HOMELESS MAN looks around, and the two of them jump behind a bench. They’re laying on each other. A man walks past, it’s the HAND WASHER. He smiles at IRWIN. IRWIN shows his objection, but the HAND WASHER corners IRWIN. OAKLEY carries on following the HOMELESS MAN. From his point of view as he’s walking, IRWIN whizzes past him, closely followed by the HAND WASHER. OAKLEY eventually passes IRWIN, who is being cuddled on the floor by the HAND WASHER.)
(The HOMELESS MAN turns around. OAKLEY doesn’t know what to do; he pretends he’s looking at something behind the HOMELESS MAN. He waves his hand signalling for the HOMELESS MAN to move out of the way. The HOMELESS MAN looks confused and carries on walking.)
(OAKLEY begins walking again, IRWIN has now caught him up. IRWIN puts his thumb up. OAKLEY puts his thumb up but then does a gay gesture with it, suggesting that IRWIN and the HAND WASHER did it. As he’s laughing, he walks into a lamppost. The music suddenly stops.)
OAKLEY
Ow! Why didn’t you tell me there was a lamppost there?
IRWIN
What are you? Blind?
OAKLEY
I am now! Thanks to you!
IRWIN
Look we’re here now. Look he’s in there.
OAKLEY
Right, let’s sneak in and try to hear what he’s asking for. Don’t make a sound.
(IRWIN nods)
8. INT. NEWSAGENTS. NIGHT
(They enter the newsagents. IRWIN’s mobile phone ringtone goes off. It’s ‘Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)’ by ABBA.)
OAKLEY
IRWIN!
IRWIN
Sorry, it’s my ringtone!
OAKLEY
Tell them to go away! He’s going to hear us?
OAKLEY
Why have you got that as a ringtone!?
IRWIN
It was the default one on my Ericsson!
OAKLEY
That phone’s as gay as you!
IRWIN
I’m not gay!
OAKLEY
Who was it?
IRWIN
The hand washer!
OAKLEY
Why has he got your number?!
IRWIN
He wouldn’t stop cuddling me unless I gave him it.
HOMELESS MAN
What are you two doing here? Are you following me?
OAKLEY
No, no we came in here to buy some (Looks around) Bubble ‘n Squeak.
HOMELESS MAN
You sure?
OAKLEY
What are you doing here? I thought you were going to that hostel?
HOMELESS MAN
Well I thought I’d buy myself some cheap alcohol to keep me going.
OAKLEY
Cheap alcohol eh?
HOMELESS MAN
Yeah, nothing more than a few coppers. I can’t be wasting my money in my state can I? Heh.
OAKLEY
(Looks confident.)
You’re lying to me. That bottle’s is an expensive bottle. And the reason I know that is because that’s the bottle Irwin gave me for my birthday (To SHOP ASSISTANT). How much was that bottle?
SHOP ASSISTANT
99p
OAKLEY
(Looks shocked)
Oh, was it? (Looks at IRWIN.)
IRWIN
(Sarcastic)
You shouldn’t be so inquisitive!
(OAKLEY turns to the HOMELESS MAN.)
OAKLEY
Right, I’m sorry...
HOMELESS MAN
Yeah, yeah whatever punk.
OAKLEY
I am, I’m sorry, I thought you’d wasted it all...
(SHOP ASSISTANT interrupts.)
SHOP ASSISTANT
But the other bottle he bought was a tenner.
OAKLEY
(Looks shocked)
Right, you’re gonna give me my £10 pounds back.
HOMELESS MAN
Me? A tramp, give you money? Do you know how cold the streets are...
OAKLEY
Yeah I’ve heard it before mate, give him the bottle back and get a refund. You know I gave you that money so you could go to that hostel!
HOMELESS MAN
I forgot.
OAKLEY
Oh really?
HOMELESS MAN
Yeah. I told him I had forgot when I first came in here. (To the SHOP ASSISTANT) Didn’t i?
(OAKLEY looks confused by the HOMELESS MAN)
IRWIN
Let’s just leave it eh, Oakley. It’s only a tenner.
OAKLEY
No, give me that bottle!
(HOMELESS MAN struggles with OAKLEY as he doesn’t want to let go of his bottle. To get OAKLEY off of him, the HOMELESS MAN hits him over the head with a charity box on the side. OAKLEY falls to the ground, dazed.)
9. INT. LOUNGE. OAKLEY & IRWIN’S APARTMENT. DAY
(OAKLEY is on the phone to his friend Ryan, with an ice pack on his head.)
OAKLEY
Sorry I can’t come today Ryan. I’m concussed. How? Let’s just say I’m not giving anymore money to the teenage cancer trust.
END.
