SETTING IS AN OFFICE FULL OF BOOKS – THINK A UNIVERSITY LECTURER'S TYPE OFFICE. PETER AND GERARD, TWO MEN IN THEIR LATE 40S ARE SAT TALKING
GERARD:
I suppose you heard about Martin.
PETER:
Martin?
GERARD:
Amis. Our shining star. Our cash cow. Our literary beast and financial saviour.
PETER:
Ahh, dear Mr Amis. The man of a million words, mostly used when one would do. Prey tell, what's he done now? Asked for Muslims to be banned from public transport? Got himself landed with a fatwa? Run off with a mistress?
GERARD:
Worse, he's died. And this time it's a literal rather than literary death.
PETER:
Um, hum. That sounds like Martin. Oh well, upwards and onwards.
GERARD:
Upwards and onwards. You sound remarkably unconcerned given that he funded this place. One of his novels sold 50 times more copies than all our other authors combined.
PETER:
Um hum
GERARD:
We are nothing without him. We are Holmes without Watson. Dostoevsky without Tolstoy, Darcy without Elizabeth. Where is our Elizabeth, Peter. Where. Is Our. Elizabeth?
PETER:
Here. I have a new Martin, a new Elizabeth right here.
GERARD:
Right here? Waiting outside? A new literary genius. That's great, but will he sell? Do please tell me it's a he.
PETER:
Better still – it's Martin. Or all we need to be Martin. It will be like he never died.
BRINGS AN ELECTRONIC THESARUS OUT OF HIS POCKET
PETER:
Meet wordfinder 2.0. Or perhaps that should be wordseeker 2.0
GERARD:
A thesaurus? Are you quite mad? We're going to replace Martin Amis with a thesaurus.
PETER:
Just try it. Write a sentence, then put it into the wordfinder and set to jumble mode, it will then voice its suggestion.
GERARD (SAYS WORDS AS HE WRITES THEM):
The, small, black, cat, sat, on the, mat. He, got scared and jumped off. I rescue it. I am the hero.
(ELECTRONIC VOICE OF THESAURUS):
Minuscule feline slumbers atop the hearth rug. Terror abounds, the floor beckons. He takes my heed and jumps, springs, leaps. For I am the cat. Yes reader, it was I, me, ego.
GERARD:
That's marvellous.
ELECTRONIC THESAURUS:
F**king great.
