Slightly Posh Beggars

CONTINUITY: And now our hard-hitting weekly strand "On The Streets" where roving reporter Dan Slab deals with the gritty issues of modern life.

ATMOS: STREET NOISES

DAN: Why is it that the scourge of begging exists into the 21st Century? Even here, in the heart of London’s financial district we find those who cannot survive except through the generosity of strangers. Come with me now as I investigate the harsh reality of a life lived "On The Streets."

GRAMS: DOCUMENTARY STYLE MUSIC

SUE: (OFF) Spare a tenner for a cup of coffee?

DAN: Sue has been a beggar for 4 years.

SUE: (OFF) Spare a tenner?

DAN: Do people actually give you ten pounds for a cup of coffee?

SUE: Well... a double espresso latte macchiato. It also covers a brie, pesto and rocket panini.

DAN: (INTENSE) But surely it must be hard, trying to survive from one meal to the next, never knowing where the next bit of food is coming from?

SUE: It’s not too bad round here. More money than sense, some of these businessmen.

DAN: (HOPEFUL) But you have a problem with alcoholism?

SUE: Well lunch at the Ivy only comes with a Gevrey Chambertin. (LAUGHS) It’s not a Chateau Lafite or anything but it is perfectly drinkable.

DAN: And what about drugs. Aren’t you worried about catching AIDS from a dirty needle?

SUE: OK. I’ll admit that occasionally one of them gives me a line of coke when they’re celebrating a big new contract but I wouldn’t even know what heroin looks like.

DAN: (IN NARRATOR MODE) A sorry tale listeners. Drink and drugs are obviously still rife within the begging community. As Sue sits here in her tattered rags, the question of...

SUE: Here, I know this is only Armani and it’s from last season but "tattered rags" is going a bit far!

DAN: (OFF) Look, work with me here. I’m trying to paint a bleak picture of contemporary suffering. This is radio; the audience can’t see what you’re wearing. (BEAT) I’ll give you a fiver if you play along with it.

SUE: A fiver? That won’t even get me an Agnes B hair clip! Call it fifty; at least I’ll be able to get high tea at the Ritz later.

DAN: But…. (SIGH) OK. Here.

FX: SOUND OF MONEY RUSTLING

DAN: (NARRATOR MODE) As Sue sits here in her tattered rags, begging for scraps, the question of the illegal sex trade rears its ugly head.

FX: SCRAPING NOISES

DAN: (EXASPERATED) What are you doing now?

SUE: Just scuffing my Manolos a bit, trying to look the part for you.

DAN: I already told you; we’re on radio! I want to know about your involvement in the sex trade, not hear about your expensive but very slightly out of fashion shoes! I suppose you’re going to tell me that a stranger has never offered you money for sex?

SUE: Well, Robbie Williams once propositioned me at the Met Bar but I don’t remember money being offered.

DAN: (OFF) I don’t know why I bother. Go on, sod off, you’re no help whatsoever. (NARRATOR MODE) So there you are listeners, the callous indifference of a world which doesn’t care about the lowest echelons of society. People left to fend for themselves in the uncaring city…and with contrary attitudes like Sue’s it’s hardly surprising. This is me, Dan Slab and I’ve been… "On The Streets."

END

It's not bad but it's a bit "over full" you could make her life bearable far quicker, and I'm not sure how good city bankers are so stupid they give tonnes of money to beggars works as a theme.

Good, but a bit long. You're not hoping to write for French and Saunders, are you?

Great way with names, by the way. I've noticed it before, but Dan Slab is marvellous.

Quote: sootyj @ June 16 2008, 11:00 AM BST

I'm not sure how good city bankers are so stupid they give tonnes of money to beggars works as a theme.

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The theme was more about the reporter finding a crap beggar to make his point. But It could probably do with a bit of tinkering. I'm not sure what you mean by 'a bit full'. Is that a bad thing? I don't think it contains any waffle or trying to fit too many subjects into the same sketch etc.

Quote: Graham Bandage @ June 16 2008, 11:06 AM BST

Good, but a bit long. You're not hoping to write for French and Saunders, are you?

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It's about 2 - 2 1/2 minutes. That's hardly F&S territory! But it could be trimmed slightly I expect.

It doesn't move very quickly, it may be more that you go straight into the beggar being posh.

So the jokes revelaed quite early on, and the main point then gets repeated.

Quote: Afinkawan @ June 16 2008, 1:44 PM BST

It's about 2 - 2 1/2 minutes. That's hardly F&S territory! But it could be trimmed slightly I expect.

View original

Funny, isn't it? I think that, since The Fast Show, we're so used to quick-fire sketches that anything that takes a while to develop a theme seems long. Some of the Two Ronnies sketches seem interminable these days.

Mind you, all F&S sketches are interminable, even the short ones.

I like the idea and most of the jokes work, not sure about the drugs one.The pacing is very relaxed, but that might not be a problem when performed.