Three for the price of one

SKETCH 1

INT. SMALL BOOKSHOP.

BOOKSELLER BEHIND COUNTER. PLEASANT-LOOKING, MID 30s, WITH GLASSES AND T-SHIRT/TANK TOP COMBO READING APPROPRIATELY HIGH-BROW BOOK AND HOLDING MUG OF TEA.

SMALL CUSTOMER APPROACHES COUNTER.

CUSTOMER
Ahem?

BOOKSELLER PUTS DOWN BOOK.

BOOKSELLER
I'm sorry, sir. Can I help you?

CUSTOMER
I was hoping to buy a copy of the Bible, but the shelf it's on is a little, er, (MIMES HIGH UP)

BOOKSELLER
Oh yes, I have to put it up there because of the youngsters.

CUSTOMER
Oh?

BOOKSELLER
Yes, they kept coming in and colouring in all the letter Os.

CUSTOMER
Just in the Bible?

BOOKSELLER
That's right.

CUSTOMER
Could you possibly get it down for me?

BOOKSELLER
I'm sorry. I can't. (POINTS TO HIS BACK) Sciatica.

CUSTOMER
Do you have a ladder at all?

BOOKSELLER
I'm sorry, no.

CUSTOMER
(DEJECTED) Oh, well, not to worry. Goodbye.

BOOKSELLER
Sorry I can't help.

CUSTOMER LEAVES SHOP.

FX. PUFF OF SMOKE. BOOKSELLER TRANSFORMS INTO CLICHE DEVIL - RED HORNED HOOD, PITCHFORK, RED FACE, POINTY BEARD (THINK JOHN CANDY IN PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES)

BOOKSELLER/DEVIL
(SFX: ECHO EFFECT, LIGHTNING STRIKE) Nyah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

CAP: THE ADVENTURES OF SATAN: THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BOOKSHOP OWNER

SKETCH 2

INT. SAME BOOKSHOP

SAME BOOKISH BOOKSELLER WITH SAME BOOK AND SAME MUG BEHIND SAME COUNTER (I THINK WE'RE GETTING THE PICTURE)

CAP: THE ADVENTURES OF SATAN: THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BOOKSHOP OWNER

RESPECTABLE LADY CUSTOMER, LATE 50s/EARLY 60s, APPROACHES COUNTER.

CUSTOMER
Excuse me.

BOOKSELLER
Madam?

CUSTOMER
I was looking for a copy of the Bible, but I can't find it in the religion section.

BOOKSELLER
Ah yes, if we've got one it'll be over there ... (POINTS TO SMALL GROUP OF SNIGGERING TEENAGERS STANDING BY SHELVES) ... in the erotica section.

CUSTOMER
What? Erotica? Why?

BOOKSELLER
(CONSPIRATORIALLY, TOUCHES NOSE) Adam and Eve? In the nip? Can't be too careful these days.

CUSTOMER LOOKS AROUND AT TEENAGERS, WHO HAVE PICKED UP TASCHEN-TYPE BOOK OF FILTH

CUSTOMER
I think I'll leave it.

CUSTOMER STARTS TO WALK OUT OF SHOP. AS SHE GETS TO DOOR, BOOKSELLER CALLS OUT.

BOOKSELLER
You could try Madame Filth's Adult Book and DVD Emporium on the High Street. They might have it.

EMBARRASSED CUSTOMER RUSHES OUT OF SHOP.

FX. PUFF OF SMOKE. BOOKSELLER TRANSFORMS INTO CLICHE DEVIL AGAIN.

BOOKSELLER/DEVIL
(SFX: ECHO EFFECT, LIGHTNING STRIKE) Nyah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

SKETCH 3

INT. IT'S THAT BOOKSHOP AGAIN.

AND THE SAME BOOKISH BOOKSELLER.

CAP: THE ADVENTURES OF SATAN: THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BOOKSHOP OWNER

CUSTOMER APPROACHES COUNTER

CUSTOMER
Hello, do you have the Bible?

BOOKSELLER
I'm sorry?

CUSTOMER
The Bible.

BOOKSELLER
(BAFFLED) The Bible?

CUSTOMER
Yes, do you have one in stock? I don't seem to be able to find one.

BOOKSELLER
I'm sorry, sir, you've lost me. (WALKS OVER TO STOCK COMPUTER. TAPS KEYS) Who's the author?

CUSTOMER
What? Er, God, I suppose.

BOOKSELLER
(TAPS KEYS) G-O-D. Ah, I thought so. (LOOKS UP AT CUSTOMER) Out of print.

CUSTOMER
Out of print?

BOOKSELLER
Yes, apparently. Now, let me just see. (LOOKS BACK AT SCREEN, FIDDLES WITH MOUSE) Ah, we're in luck. I've found one copy in Swindon. Would you like me to order it for you?

CUSTOMER
(DISTRACTED) Out of print? Er, yes please.

BOOKSELLER
Your name, sir?

CUSTOMER
Weatherby

BOOKSELLER
(TAPS KEYS) Wea-ther-by. And I'll require a small 5% deposit.

CUSTOMER
Oh, of course (REACHES FOR WALLET)

BOOKSELLER
That's ... (CHECKS ON CALCULATOR) £378.48. Let's call it £375.

CUSTOMER
What?

BOOKSELLER
Well, it is coming from Swindon.

CUSTOMER
No. I think I'll leave it.

BOOKSELLER
Right you are, sir. Sorry I can't be of any more help.

CUSTOMER LEAVES SHOP, SHAKING HEAD.

FX. PUFF OF SMOKE. BOOKSELLER TRANSFORMS INTO CLICHE DEVIL AGAIN.

BOOKSELLER/DEVIL
(SFX: ECHO EFFECT, LIGHTNING STRIKE) Nyah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

For me, the second works best, but repeat characters and variations on a theme are not particularly my thing. However it is the way of modern comedy so see what others say.

I am not sure you need the Bible and devil stuff, as snooty, unhelpful booksellers are ripe for a good kicking in any case. Or has that seam been worked out by Black Books? I never really watched it as the Dylan Moran character was too affectionate a parody for my taste...

I thought it was funny the first time around, but by the thrird it's a bit repetative, even though it's slightly different. I thought it was leading up to something, like if it was shown one after the other and in the last one an angel comes in or something. I guess what I mean is that it is very funny, but could have more of a kick at the end.

After a night's rest, I'm inclined to think the sketches are either in the wrong order, or (B) dribbling bollocks.

I'm edging more towards (B) to be honest. I think if I was submitting this anywhere, the second is probably best.

I might develop this, placing the slightly-rubbish Satan in different situations.

Comedy, eh? Who'd have thought it was so difficult?

It's pretty good, and an interesting idea.

But I'd make it not just avoiding selling Bibles but actively promoting dodgy works at the same time.

I agree with most of what Charly said. There's a good idea in there but these three are basically the same joke repeated: Q) Can I buy a Bible? A) No.

You could change it to the adventures of a passive-aggressive demon and do different settings. Instead of changing into satan at the end he could just laugh menacingly and have his eyes glow. That way you wouldn't need the caption at the beginning and it would be the reveal at the end?

I don't know. This comedy lark is hard, isn't it?

Thanks, soots and Afinkawan.

I quite like the ludicrous comedy devil outfit, though. I might keep that.

Will go away for a bit and place the passive-aggressive devil in another context.

Right, then, here it is. I've changed name of devil to Dave.

EXT. BUSY RAILWAY STATION. PEOPLE MILLING AROUND.

AMERICAN TOURIST CARRYING PIECE OF PAPER AND HEAVY BAGS APPROACHES PORTER.

TOURIST
Say, could you tell me which way it is to (READS OFF PAPER) Platform Nine?

PORTER
I'm sorry. I don't know. This is my first day.

TOURIST
Oh, well, never mind. Thanks anyway.

TOURIST HURRIES OFF.

PORTER
(TO CAMERA, CONSPIRATORIALLY) I do know where it is, really.

FX. PUFF OF SMOKE. PORTER TRANSFORMS INTO CLICHE DEVIL.

PORTER/DEVIL
(SFX: ECHO EFFECT, LIGHTNING STRIKE) Nyah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

CAP: The Adventures of Dave: The Passive-Aggressive Devil

Strictly speaking, I should now change the title of this thread to Four For The Price Of One, but as three of them are essentially the same joke I'm not sure what to do.

I, like Timbo, am not really up for these 'on-going sketches'. The question I always ask myself is: Is this sketch strong enough to stand on it's own?

I have to say, that a devil who fails to reveal the location of a railway platform when he actually knows it, isnt very devilish to me.

So the answer to my own question is sadly, no I'm afraid not. Sorry.

I suppose the rubbishness of the devilry is sort of the point of the sketch.

I think I'll chalk this up as one of those sketches that only I find funny.

Runner skits are the mainstay of most tv/radio and often stage shows.

They're a very important skill to learn how ever dislikeable they may be.

And this is a good, fairly original, commercial variant.

I think that one would be improved if it was more passive/aggressive.

TOURIST
Say, could you tell me which way it is to (READS OFF PAPER) Platform Nine?

PORTER
I don't know, this is my first day. But don't you worry, I'll just run off and find it for you and miss out on my training and probably get sacked and end up dead in a gutter somewhere shall I?

TOURIST
Umm, never mind. Thanks anyway.

TOURIST HURRIES OFF.

PORTER
(TO CAMERA, CONSPIRATORIALLY) I do know where it is, really.

Like it. I'm starting to see the devil chap as being played by the cafe owner in Lead Balloon.