Parish pump

A VILLAGE COMMITTEE (BRIAN, JEN, COLIN) IS SITTING AT A TABLE DAVE IS THE NEW GUY.

BRIAN

Right let's bring this meeting of the Little Spode village committee to order. And first item of business is to welcome Dave our newest member, all the way from London.

JEN

Ooh London that must have been exiting.

DAVE

Yes I lived in Notting Hill, but I was looking for some where quieter, for the kids, you know less crime.

JEN

How lovely did you meet that nice Mr Cameron?

BRIAN

Well Dave, even in Little Spode we have crime, and that brings us to our second order of business. Wheely bin over filling.

COLIN

Yes those Johnsons at 32, again, well they've been warned, and now action must be taken.

DAVE

Yes, but it's only fair in Notting Hill. I had to call the council about my neighbour, abusing his recycling brown bin with food waste. He got a £250 fine, harsh but fair.

BRIAN

We have something similar. Except instead of a £250 fine, we stand the Johnsons up in their bins.

DAVE

Public humiliation, harsh but maybe necessary.

COLIN

Then we fill the bins with petrol and set light to them.

DAVE

You kill them? Where did you get a horrible idea like that from?

COLIN

Me actually, I worked for Barclays in the 80s in the Middle East. Helping push through some of the dodgier deals the MOD wanted approved. It was when I saw my first public beheading in Saudi. I thought that fellows never going to spray rude words on the Village Spa.

JEN

We were abit unsure at first. But when we stoned Mr Patterson to death for public drunkenness. Well no ones weed in our Duck pond since, so the Ducks certainly appreciate it.

COLIN

I got the idea when I stoned my wife to death. It was in Ryadh, and she'd got a little tiddly on illicit sherry she'd smuggled in. It was going to be lashes, but she called Allah a rude word. They let me throw the first stone, proudest day of my life.

JEN

Hope you were with out sin, before you cast it?

THE COUNCIL LAUGH

BRIAN

We maybe a little unusual, but we're happy. Like a little English Taleban, with the Daily Mail as our Koran.

DAVE

You're all monsters, all of you, you white, murderous, smug, Church going.....

BRIAN

I beg your pardon? I'm Jewish. How dare you call me a Church going..

DAVE

What?

JEN

You've upset Brian now. Didn't you know he was Jewish?

COLIN

I'm afraid there's no room for antisemites on this village council.

DAVE

I didn't know, but thats no excuse. You're murderers, all of you. Killing any one who disturbs your white, Anglo Saxon, way of....

DERECK WHO LOOKS LIKE ROBERT MUGABE IN A CARDIGAN STICKS HIS HEAD ROUND THE DOOR

DERECK

You going to be long love, only I want to know how much to put in the meter?

JEN

That's my husband, Dave. Dave was just telling us about how he wanted the village to be all white, and Jew free.

COLIN

Dave I think you'd better leave. Maybe try Nantwitch, I understand your type are more welcome there.

DAVE STUMBLES OUT OF THE OFFICE.

DAVE

You're all mad, I'm moving back to London.

BRIAN

Well I'm glad that's over, there always one isn't there?

COLIN

Now for the next item, how did our village bing and buy go?

JEN

£750, rather good.

BRIAN

Excellent we're half way to buying our village it's own independent nuclear deterrent.

That is much better written and developed than your usual, and funnier as a result.

Well I always like to mess around with other forms.

This one has little chance of being filmed, mind you might enter it for E4 comp, with a bit more tidying up?

Fresh edit, any better?

A VILLAGE COMMITTEE (BRIAN, JEN, COLIN) IS SITTING AT A TABLE DAVE IS THE NEW GUY.

BRIAN

Welcome to Little Spode village committee meeting, Dave our newest member, he's come all the way from London.

JEN

Ooh London that must have been exiting.

DAVE

Yes I lived in Notting Hill, but I was looking for some where quieter, more of a community, less crime

JEN

How lovely did you meet that nice Mr Cameron?

BRIAN

Well Dave, even in Little Spode we have crime. And that brings us to our second order of business. Wheely bin over filling.

COLIN

Yes those Johnsons at 32, again, well they've been warned, and now action must be taken.

DAVE

It's only fair in Notting Hill. I had to call the council about my neighbour, putting food waste in his brown recycling bin. He got a £250 fine, harsh but fair.

BRIAN

We have something similar. Except instead of a £250 fine, we stand the Johnsons up in their bins.

DAVE

Public humiliation, harsh but maybe necessary.

COLIN

Then we fill the bins with petrol and set light to them.

DAVE

You kill them? That's horrible.

COLIN

Not really, I worked for Barclays in the 80s in the Middle East. I saw my first public beheading in Saudi. And I thought... that fellows never going to spray rude words on a Village Spa.

JEN

We were abit unsure at first. Then we stoned Mr Patterson to death for public drunkenness. Well no ones weed in our Duck pond since, so the Ducks certainly appreciate it.

DAVE

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

COLIN

The notion really became clear when I stoned my wife to death. She'd got a little tiddly on illicit, sherry. It was going to be lashes, but she also called Allah a rude word. The judge let me throw the first stone, proudest day of my life.

JEN

Hope you were with out sin, before you cast it?

THE COUNCIL LAUGH

JEN

So she was drunk and stoned.

THE COUNCIL LAUGH LOUDER.

BRIAN

We maybe a little unusual, but we're happy. Like the Taleban, but the Daily Mail is our Koran.

DAVE

You're all monsters, all of you, you white, murderous, smug, Church going.....

BRIAN

I beg your pardon? I'm Jewish. How dare you call me a Church going..

DAVE

What?

JEN

You've upset Brian now.

COLIN

There's no room for antisemites on this village council.

BRIAN

20 years trying to be accepted, and gone in an evening. I'll leave make this village juden frei. You'd like that wouldn't you David?

DAVE

I'm not an antisemite. But you're still murderers, all of you. Killing any one who disturbs your white, Anglo Saxon, way of....

DERECK WHO LOOKS LIKE ROBERT MUGABE IN A CARDIGAN STICKS HIS HEAD ROUND THE DOOR

DERECK

You going to be long love, only I want to know how much to put in the meter?

JEN

That's my husband, Dave. Dave was just telling us about how he wanted the village to be all white, and Jew free.

COLIN

Dave I think you'd better leave. Maybe try Nantwitch, I understand your type are more welcome there.

DAVE STUMBLES OUT OF THE OFFICE.

DAVE

You're all mad, I'm moving back to London.

BRIAN

Well I'm glad that's over, there always one isn't there?

COLIN

Now the Vicar, still won't shave his beard, and he will play that bedratted guitar.

BRIAN

We've finished building the cross, and I think the Bishop's on side.

JEN

Some one's getting cruicified, Oh Lord Kumbayar.

ALL LAUGH.

Still quite long, but it's a shaggy dog.

And like with any kind of dog it'll suffer if one chops bits off.