Leopard

EDITED to remove bottoms and introduce cleavage.

INT. Quiet restaurant, romantic lighting, soft music.

Young WAITRESS shows couple, DARREN and SOPHIE, both late twenties, to their table. They sit down and she hands them menus.

SOPHIE:
Thanks

DARREN:
Nice in here, isn't it?

SOPHIE
(unimpressed): Mmm.

DARREN:
Only the best for my Soph, the love of my life.

SOPHIE:
Stop it, if you think a nice meal in a posh restaurant is going to make things all right . . .

DARREN:
Look, I know we've been through some ups and downs over the past few months ...

SOPHIE:
Ups and downs? You slept with my best friend. (beat) And her sister. (beat) And her best friend.

DARREN:
I know. I know. And it's inexcusable. But it's shown me one thing, and that's that you're the one for me. I'm going to put that sort of behaviour behind me. (Reaches into pocket) Because I don't want to live without you. (Produces engagement ring box and opens it) Sophie, I've been a fool, but will you marry me?

SOPHIE:
(taken aback, beaming) You mean it? No more sleeping around behind my back?

DARREN:
Of course ... (mobile rings. Ringtone is Je T'Aime by Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin) Hang on. (reads text, laughs lascivously). And delete. (presses button)

SOPHIE:
(suspicious) Who was that?!?

DARREN:
(guiltily) Oh, Brian. Work Brian. (recovers) Of course I mean it. You're the only one for me.

WAITRESS reappears.

WAITRESS: May I take your order?

SOPHIE tuts, looks down at menu while DARREN ogles WAITRESS'S cleavage. WAITRESS smiles.

SOPHIE:
(still looking down) What are you having? (looks up)

DARREN whirls gaze back towards SOPHIE.

DARREN:
Nothing! Er... (looks at menu) I'll have the watercress soup and the steak.

SOPHIE:
I'll have the same soup and the chicken.

WAITRESS takes menus and leaves.

DARREN:
So, Sophie, what do you say?

SOPHIE:
I don't know, Darren, can a leopard change its spots? That's what I've got to ask myself.

DARREN:
Of course, anyone can change (dramatic pause) for love.

SOPHIE:
Oh, Darren, I . . .

Mobile rings again, cutting her off. This time ringtone is Lady Marmalade by Labelle (the Voulez Vous Couchez bit)

DARREN:
Sorry (holds up hand, reads text, chuckles again, texts as he speaks under his breath) Tuesday night. Can't wait. (to SOPHIE) Dave in accounts. Tut. Sorry, you were saying.

SOPHIE:
I ...

DARREN:
Sophie, will you marry me?

SOPHIE:
(beaming) Well, ask me properly.

DARREN:
Eh?

SOPHIE:
Go on, down on one knee.

DARREN:
Bit tricky.

SOPHIE:
What do you mean?

DARREN:
I'll have to do it in a MINUTE! (Grabs onto sides of table and makes sex face)

SOPHIE:
What's going on?!?

SOPHIE pulls back tablecloth and looks under table. WAITRESS crawls out.

END

I like it, but the lead could be more improbable. More ridiculous shagging stituations for him, to make conclusion fit a bit better.

Otherwise very good.

I like this. Nothing really to add, I did wonder whether it might be an idea to include a line at the beginning with the waitress saying:

"Nice to see you again sir"

Would help the reveal I feel, and would add to his dubious behaviour as it would be clear that Sophie has never been to the restaurant before.

Just a thought, not even sure whether it would improve or hinder the sketch. I'm rambling.

One suggestion, try changing:

"You slept with my best friend. (beat) And her sister. (beat) And her mate."

To:

"You slept with my best friend. (beat) And her sister. (beat) And her best friend."

Otherwise I would make the pay off more unexpected by making the intimacy between Darren and the Waitress less obvious. So perhaps do as Matt says and have her say "Nice to see you again sir" or some such, and then when she is taking the order instead of stroking her bottom, have him smile at her and her blush, or something like that.

At the risk of of being over-literal, you might also need to think about when the waitress had the chance to get under the table. You could maybe have her take Darren's order, then Sophie looking again at the menu and ordering and when she looks up the waitress is gone.

Funny sketch, which I think would perform well.

Thanks for your comments, chaps. I've taken Timbo's advice on the line about the best friend.

I was trying to make it clear that Darren has never met the waitress before. Obviously I haven't succeeded. Any ideas how I might do this?

mmmmmmm not sure how to do that or even if I would. I like Timbo's advice on how to deal with the waitress (using my initial suggestion of course)

If the waitress doesn't know Darren, then surely you are going to need an actor with god like looks to carry off the sketch with any conviction. I mean this has never happened to me, and I'm gorgeous!

If you really wanted to, you could have the waitress ask whether he has been there before, but for the purposes of the sketch I am not sure it matters whether it is established that he whether he has met her before or not.

Having him stroke her bottom implies past acquaintance, but more importantly it indicates a high degree of sexual compliance on her part; I think the reveal might be stronger without this foreshadowing. But that's just my view.

I wonder if it would work if it was a random woman under the table, someone we hadn't seen previously?

When the waitress appears, he might say "I don't believe I've had the pleasure...?"

She replies "I'm Suzie, can I take your order?"

I would go with your first thought and stick with the waitress, I think that should work really well.

[quote name="Bad dog" post="182079" date="June 13 2008, 12:13 PM BST"]When the waitress appears, he might say "I don't believe I've had the pleasure...?"

She replies "I'm Suzie, can I take your order?"
[/quote

Excellent suggestion

Thanks again, everybody. I've gone more in Timbo's direction. I thought introducing a bit of a frisson between the waitress and Darren early on might telegraph the direction of the sketch a bit too soon.

Excellent, thoughtful advice. If I sell it none of you are getting a penny. Nyah-ha-ha-ha-ha!