GARRY:We have Professor Donald Staverley with us in the studio today who has invented a robot which predicts the outcome of any sporting event.
PROFESSOR: That’s right: Sportybot. We’re still loading all the statistics into it for many sports so obviously it is less accurate on some than others.
GARRY: Can we try it?
PROFESSOR: Certainly. I’ll just turn it on.
SPORTYBOT: Sportybot ready for input.
PROFESSOR: Now just ask it any question you want.
GARRY: Umm..OK… Who is going to win Euro 2008?
FX: BLEEPS, WHIRRS ETC.
SPORTYBOT: Sportybot calculating…calculating…Sportybot predicts that Lewis Hamilton will win 3 sets to 1 in the 3:15 at Chepstow.
PROFESSOR: Uh…that’s not quite right. Hang on.
FX: BUTTONS BEING PRESSED, BLEEPS ETC.
PROFESSOR: Try it now.
SPORTYBOT: Sportybot ready for input.
GARRY: Who will win Euro 2008?
FX: BLEEPS, WHIRS ETC.
SPORTYBOT: Sportybot calculating…calculating… Sportybot predicts that Andy Murray will go three under par to win by a technical knockout in the fourth round…and the bonus ball will be number 27.
GARRY: I’m not sure any bookies would take that bet…
PROFESSOR: Sorry, sorry. It’s still not quite right. Let me try something.
FX: SOUNDS OF HAMMERING ON METAL
PROFESSOR: Sorry, it worked perfectly before, please try one more time.
SPORTYBOT: Sportybot ready for input.
GARRY: Who will win euro 2008?
SPORTYBOT: Sportybot ready for input.
PROFESSOR: What’s wrong with it now? Sportybot, who will win Euro 2008?
SPORTYBOT: Sportybot ready for input.
FX: MORE HAMMERING
SPORTYBOT: Ready for input.
FX: FRANTIC HAMMERING
SPORTYBOT: Sportybot ready to destroy Human Race.
PROFESSOR: What?!
FX: LOTS OF HAMMERING
PROFESSOR: (OFF) Work, you useless piece of scrap metal!
SPORTYBOT: Calculating…calculating…Sportybot predicts that Didier Drogba will get four penalty points for refusing at the 5th fence.
FX: LOTS OF HAMMERING WHILE SCREAMING
PROFESSOR: (OFF) ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
GARRY: I think we’ll come back to Professor Staverley a bit later to see if he’s managed to fix Sportybot.
REPRISE
GARRY: Let’s see how Professor Staverley is getting on with Sportybot.
FX: HAMMERING
PROFESSOR: (OFF, SOBBING) Why won’t you work? Please work!
SPORTYBOT: (MONOTONE) Laa-la-laaa…la-la-la-la-la-laaaa. Sportybot predicts a riot.
FX: SCREAMS FROM PROFESSOR AND HAMMERING
GARRY: I think we’ll leave that there. Thank you Professor Donald Staverley and Sportybot.