SKETCH COMP 9-16.6.08 Page 2

RAIN TAX

AMERICAN NEWS READER

In today’s United Kingdom of Britain Budget the Chancellor of Checkers Alistair
Darling, under ever increasing pressure from umbrella manufacturers due to the present inclement weather, announced plans before the house to introduce a tax against those who show a total disregard for the rain. Darling stressed that the creation of this new government department would be financed purely by its own revenue or failing that, from the public purse.
It was revealed that anyone who gets caught in the rain without suitable protective clothing will be penalised by spot fines, ranging from £5 for having rain spots on a top coat or jacket to £30 for being soaked to the under garments.
The Umbrella Users National Union (U.U.N.U.) gave their full support to the move. Spokesperson Pat Carmack said, "We fully endorse this initiative by the Government to punish those who blatantly get wet for no good reason".
The Chief of the Opposition Mr Cameron Macintosh was quick to question the reasoning behind this move. "We feel that this is another underhanded tax put upon the people of this country".
When pointed out that this has been openly announced, he responded, "That’s typical of this government, anything to win votes!"
When pointed out that he in fact just contradicted himself he added, "Half past four".
Arsenal soccer manager, Arsene Wenger declared he could not comment, as he did not see the Budget.
The King of England, Philip Windsor, said he hoped this will mean more employment for Mancunians.
The Pope’s 2nd in Command, The Archbishop of Canterbury commented:
"This is a bold move and should be fully endorsed by politicians and people alike. The only concern we have is whether the holy congregation across the nation will be persecuted due to the continuing state of disrepair of holey roofs."
Amen to that. Other news today...

is that politics? i know they say politics is tied in to everything but seriously?

anyway:

INT. NEWS STUDIO

Trevor Macdonald:
We are now about to go over to a live feed from Downing Street where the Deputy Prime Minister is to make a speach in which he will apologise for his recent misdemeanors which have come to light in the press. He will explain that he did what he did for the good of the country although his actions were in retrospect misguided and then he will stand down as Deputy Prime Minister. We can now go to that live feed in Downing Street.

EXT. DOWNING STREET

Deputy Prime Minster:
Um... What he said.

SWEAR IT AGAIN

V/O
AFTER IT WAS REVEALED THAT WAYNE ROONEY TOOK TO THE STAGE WITH WESTLIFE AND SERENADED COLEEN WITH HIS OWN VERSION OF WESTLIFE’S 'SWEAR IT AGAIN’ AT HIS MULTO MILLION POUND WEDDING, WE CAN GIVE YOU A SNEAK PREVIEW OF WHAT HE ACTUALLY SANG.

SFX: THE OPENING BARS OF ‘SWEAR IT AGAIN’ BY WESTLIFE.

WAYNE:
THE LADS FROM WESTLIFE ASKED ME TO SING ONE OF THEIR SONGS BUT I COULDN’T REMEMBER NONE. SO, HERE’S MY OWN VERSION OF ‘SWEAR IT AGAIN’

I wanna know
Which f**kers told me i looked like shrek
I’m gonna punch them twats in the neck
And all of the nob ‘eds who slag us off
They can swivel on this

(HE HOLDS UP HIS MIDDLE FINGER)

I f**kin’ love ya
The only Bird that I have ever known

Apart from ‘Old slapper’ the whore who I did bone

It’s me weddin’ day so I’m getting pissed
So I can bum Coleen

So you should know this way I swear is never made to die
There ain’t no other c**t who swears like me so you can all wank over me yeah

I’m never gonna wear a tie
Cuz I’d look like a prick and I
I swore a lot to you my love and refs
And I swear it all over again and I
I'm never gonna cuff my bitch
Cuz ok! gave me millions for me f**kin’ pics
I swore to give me your joy and your pain
And I swear it all over again
All over again

Wayne (spoken)
I’m thinkin’ of goin’ into politics – we need a straight talkin’ prime minister – not like that ugly twat Gordon Whatsisname

I wanna know
The tanker drivers who are goin’ on strike
Are big fat wankers who are full of shite
What am I supposed to run me Bentley on
If there ain’t no petrol and

There’s more
That David Davies who has stepped down
If I had my way I’d bang him up right now
For 42 days and make him share a cell
With some big fat bummer yeah

If footy players ran the joint we’d sort a lot of shit
Like antisocial behaviour and youngsters who swear and spit

I’m never gonna wear a tie
Cuz I’d look like a prick and I
I swore a lot to you my love and refs
And I swear it all over again and I
I'm never gonna cuff my bitch
Cuz ok! gave me millions for me f**kin’ pics
I swore to give me your joy and your pain
And I swear it all over again
All over again

With a rousing flourish, Wayne looks ahead and says:

Wayne:
Was that f**kin’ boss or wha’?
FADE

THE YES/NO TREATY.

The Yes/No Treaty is set to be rejected as No is exceeding Yes in a number of constituencies. We are currently in the process of counting all the No votes. Every permutation of No is covered. No with a capital N, a capital N and O and a lowercase N and O.

There was a third option that was making up some ground for a brief period of time in a minority of constituencies choosing to go with the right wing, number 7 as opposed to the more traditional Yes or No. Unfortunately no capital 7's were recorded. By a similar token there were zero amount of number No's and nearly as many for the number Yes. We've heard there is a little confusion as to what the ramifications would be for a Yes or a No vote so allow us to simplify.

If No is passed it means that all No's will have full access to the answer to questions unless only one answer is possible. This does not include questions beginning with 'Are you' or 'Did you'. This is subject to a later election on the capital 7th of July this year.

If Yes is ratified all of the above will be implimented but with Yes taking the place of No. Except on the condition that 'Amm', the staple sound for stalling when asked a question is completely shunned.

Next we will get to the specifics of the Yes/No Treaty.

1. A politician will be chosen to be president of the Yes/No council for 2 years, unless he does not want to in which case he won't.

2. There will be a redistribution of negative and positive answers between all European States.

3. New powers for the Yes/No commission, parliment and the Yes/No Court of Justice will allow them to answer these questions through semaphore.

4. Removal of 'nope' and the very American 'uh-huh' in a number of areas.

And that is it. It's as simple as that. We hope this clarifies it for you and if you are still confused we will have a Confused/Not Confused election on the 27th, of course that again will be a capital 7. Thank you for listening.

HE TURNS AND STARTS TO WALK AWAY BUT THEN DOUBLES BACK.

Oh, unless the Yes vote is passed and 'Are you' is not in the question on the ballot paper but if No is mentioned then of course the whole thing will be called off. Thank you.............Unless 'Did you' preceeds the No but if...

FADE OUT.

END.

I used to work in a bus station, now I suck off politicians. I wait ages then two come at the same time.

Comp's over, time to vote - till midnight Thurs please!

Well Leevil I got lost and I read it 3 times. That says more about me than you however. Baumski very good but you're way too successful already Swertyd or the Forshaw boy? Hmmm. The Forshaw boy gets it (he may be 105 I don't know).

Some good stuff. I like Chris's effort and Graham's has a great pay off, and if I had ever succeeded in sitting through more than five minutes of the Mighty Boosh, I might appreciate Dan's effort even more than I do now. But the palm has to go to Afinkawan.

Obviously mine's best. But given that I can't vote for me, it's a toss-up between Leevil's Abbott and Costello-esque aide sketch, Afinkawan's armed heavies and Timbo's Paxman tour-de-force.

That'd be one of those three-sided coins, then.

Afinkawan edges it, solely thanks to his use of the name David Bumm.

I'll give my vote to Jake How for his very politician-like ability to go completely off topic and repeat his mistakes.

My favourite actual competition entry is Frankie Rage's, just because it is silly.

I liked Chris Forshaw's best, Otterfox and Leevil close behind.

Dan

I vote for Chris Forshaw.

I spoil my ballot paper*

*not really, I vote for Leevil.

Largely for the having the crimp at the end I have to give my vote to swerytd.

Deffo GARYD though I always applaud crimping