SKETCH COMP 9-16.6.08

Congrats to CHRIS FORSHAW and TIMBO for winning! That's 10 more shiny points each and another excuse to look proud and have me try to think of another variation on the word cock-sure. (PM me for next week's subject please. Otherwise I keep having to randomly search for topics). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Chris Forshaw
3 - 10 - Timbo
2 - 5 - Frankie Rage
1 - 1 - Nigel Kelly

The new subject is POLITICS, chosen by me.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 16 June.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

87 - Frankie
82 - Charley Rance
82 - Fred Peters
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
48 - Michael Monkhouse
37 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
15 - Otterfox
15 - Chris Forshaw
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
10 - Timbo (new!)
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Hellboy
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Wayne Lewis
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a head-dick, so PM me. Thanks

Gordon Brown phones The Samaritans.

Sfx: Phone rings.

Split screen.

Joel: Hello The Samaritans. I'm Joel. How can I help you?

Brown: Hello.....

Joel: Hello caller? Look I understand this may be difficult but I promise that a quiet chat will help you whatever your problems. Can you tell me your name?

Brown: Yes...yes..it's Jordan......Jordan Black.

Joel: Ok Jordan Black, we're getting somewhere. Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?

Brown: Well it's just...none of my friends like me anymore.

Joel: Oh dear.

Brown: My kids get teased at school that their father's a failure. My wife won't have sex with me...I mean she won't even give little Tommy a bit of loving anymore. It's...it's terrible. I'm thinking of ending it all.

Joel: Look Jordan, I know your prospects look dim at the moment but things don't stay the same for ever. Just stay true to yourself. Believe that your way is the way forward and that others will eventually come around to your way of thinking.

Brown: Really?

Joel: Oh yes, and of course you can always be thankful that your not that c**t Gordon Brown.

INTERIOR - GOVERNMENT PRESS CONFERENCE. JAQUI SMITH IS STANDING BEHIND THE PODIUM.

ALL: Home Secretary! Home Secretary!

JACQUI SMITH: Yes you, what’s your question?

JEFF: Jeff Moron, Daily Sport political editor. Don’t you think that a 42 day detention period is too much?

SMITH: We don’t need 42 days, obviously - but as you are no doubt aware, we have a policy of gradually increasing the evilness of Home Secretaries, so this is necessary to get us back on track.

SALLY: Sally Armitage-Shanks, CBeebies News. So the increasing evilness has been deliberate policy?

SMITH: Of course. This should be apparent to anyone when I say the names Jack Straw, David Blunkett, Charles Clarke and John Reid. Unfortunately my predecessor tried to overstep his allotted evilness by asking for a 90 day detention limit. Ultimately, for his mistake, he was forced to split the Home Office in two; forming the Ministry of Arse and the Ministry of Elbow.

NATALIE: Natalie Spacehopper, I Love Horses Magazine. So what about the people who oppose the 42 day limit?

SMITH: Clearly, anyone who opposes our plans to disappear whoever we want is on the side of the terrorists and we shall lock them up too. In fact, just asking that question makes me suspect you of being a terrorist. Guards! Seize her!

NATALIE: No! Wait!

SCUFFLES AND PROTESTS AS SHE IS DRAGGED OUT BY THE GUARDS

SMITH: Off with her head. Any more questions?

DAVID: David Bumm, Plate Collector Weekly. Is it true that your claim of 2,000 terrorists and 30 active terror plots is nearly a year old?

SMITH: I’m afraid so. But as we have done nothing about any of them, the numbers remain the same. (BEAT) You seem remarkably well informed about terrorist activities in this country. Guards! Seize him!

SCUFFLES AND PROTESTS AS HE IS DRAGGED OUT BY THE GUARDS.

SMITH: Any more questions?

TWO GUARDS STEP FORWARD TO FLANK JAQUI SMITH. AS THEY GLARE AT THE AUDIENCE THEY COCK THEIR MACHINE GUNS

SMITH: No? Good. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.

INT. THE NEWSNIGHT STUDIO.

JEREMY PAXMAN IS INTERVIEWING GORDON BROWN.

JEREMY

Prime minister your personal popularity rating is lower than for any prime minister this century, Cheri Blair, John Precott and Lord Levy have all been scathing about you in recent biographies, and now Cabinet colleagues are plotting how to replace you before the General Election.

GORDON

Jeremy, this is a perfect example of how the media trivialises politics, by reducing it to personalities. People are not interested in Westminster gossip and alleged intrigues, what they want to know is what we intend to do about the things that matter to them.

JEREMY

All right then. Our armed forces are mired in unwinnable wars in Iraq and Afghanistan; violent crime is on the increase, with stabbings and shootings everyday occurrences;inflation is on the rise on the back of soaring world commodity prices; the economic boom, which as Chancellor you fabricated on a bubble of personal debt, is collapsing, forcing the Government to pour billions of taxpayers' money into bailing out financial institutions, while shackling ordinary houseowners with negative equity and unserviceable debts; public services are failing to improve despite unprecedented spending, while poor value-for-money public private partnerships, which you in the Treasury forced on Government Departments and local authorities to disguise public borrowing, mean the public purse will continue to pay for this Government's failures for decades to come; and despite taxes being at an all time high, the Government is forced to borrow in order to balance the books. So what do you intend doing about it?

GORDON

That David Cameron's a twat, isn't he?

INT. NEWS STUDIO. NEWSCASTER READING THE NEWS.

NEWSCASTER:
Today a source at Westminster revealed that Boris Johnson has lost his post.

CUT AWAY TO VIDEO OF BORIS JOHNSON LOOKALIKE COMING OUT OF HIS HOUSE.

V/O (DIFFERENT VOICE):
Today, Boris Johnson lost his post.. it was amazing really, he just threw it away..

CUT TO CLOSE UP OF SOME LETTERS BORIS IS CARRYING, SOME OPENED - COUNCIL TAX, ELECTRICITY, GAS BILLS - ALL FINAL DEMANDS. CUT TO BORIS LOOKING FURTIVELY AROUND THEN DROPPING THEM INTO A PUBLIC LITTER BIN BEFORE AMBLING OFF.

INT. BEDROOM AT NIGHT. HUSBAND AND WIFE ASLEEP. PHONE RINGS. HUSBAND ANSWERS STILL HALF-ASLEEP.

HUSBAND: HELLO?

OPERATOR: THIS IS THE OPERATOR, WILL YOU ACCEPT THE CHARGES FROM A 'GB'?

HUSBAND: GB? I DON'T KNOW A GB... PISS OFF, IT'S 4AM.

HUSBAND SLAMS PHONE DOWN AND ROLLS OVER IN BED.

PHONE RINGS AGAIN. HUSBAND ANSWERS.

HUSBAND: WHAT IS IT?!

GORDON BROWN: HELLO, IS THAT ROB DOUGLAS?

HUSBAND: YES... WHO IS THIS?

GB: GORDON BROWN THE PRIME MINISTER, HERE. IT'S ABOUT THAT LETTER YOU WROTE TO ME BACK IN NOVEMBER.

HUSBAND: NO! GORDON BROWN? BUT IT'S FOUR IN THE MORNING!

GB: I KNOW AND I DO APOLOGISE BUT I FELT COMPELLED TO REPLY IN PERSON TO YOUR LETTER, THE ELECTORATE IS OWED A BIT OF HONESTY IN THIS AGE OF SMOKE AND MIRRORS.

HUSBAND: I'D COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE LETTER. OH, ERM, I'M FLATTERED PRIME MINISTER...

SILENCE.

HUSBAND: HELLO PRIME MINISTER?

GB: [GROANING] CALL... ME .... GORDON... AAAAH....

HUSBAND SHAKES WIFE TO WAKE HER UP.

HUSBAND: SANDRA, THE PM'S ON THE PHONE! REALLY! BUT I THINK HE MIGHT BE HAVING A STROKE!

WIFE: WHAT? DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

HUSBAND PUTS PHONE TO WIFE'S EAR.

GB: [STILL GROANING] OCH YESH MISH MONEYPENNY... IT'S TIME FOR PRIME MINISTER'S QUESTIONS - WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

WIFE: EXCUSE ME?

GB: [HEAVY BREATHING] I'M ROCK HARD FOR YOU SANDRA. NORTHERN ROCK HARD.

WIFE CALMLY TAKES RECEIVER AND PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.

HUSBAND: WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR, THAT WAS THE PRIME BLOODY MINISTER!

WIFE: NO IT WASN'T, BUT YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT HIM STROKING.

HUSBAND: HOW CAN YOU BE SURE IT WASN'T?

WIFE: BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS GORDON BROWN'S GAY.

HUSBAND: CHRIST, AN AUTISTIC HOMOSEXUAL SCOTSMAN... AND TO THINK, ALL THAT AMERICAN BACKSLAPPING ABOUT VOTING IN A BLACK GUY.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

George Bush is sat behind a desk in an office. There is a knock on the door.

GEORGE
Come in

A man enters. He is wearing a t-shirt which says "Rainbow group for the mentally handicapped". We can see behind him through the door there is a group of "special" looking people with him all wearing the same shrit.

MAN
There you are Georgie. What the bloody hell do you think you're playing at running off on us

George gets up and walks over to the man with his head hanging in shame

GEORGE
Sorry

MAN
You can't just go running around the white house. You better had not have touched anything in here.

GEORGE
I didn't

MAN
Where did you get that suit then?

George takes the jacket and shirt off to reveal a rainbow group t-shirt. The man walks over to the desk and looks at some papers on it.

MAN
You've been messing around with these aswell haven't you. Look at the state of this foreign policy!

GEORGE
Sorry

MAN
Right, everyone back to the minivan

There is a groan of disapointment from the group as George joins them outside the door and the man leads them out of shot.

MAN
(In the distance)
Can't take him bloody anywhere

=======================
THE MIGHTY BUSH
=======================
GRAMSOUNDBITE OF MIGHTY BOOSH SOUNDTRACK WITH WORD ‘BOOSH’ REPLACED BY ‘BUSH’

GORDON BROWN (DRESSED AS HOWARD MOON) AND GEORGE BUSH (FLAMBOYANTLY DRESSED AS VINCE NOIR) DURING TALKS

GORDON:
Hey, hey, hey, W. Bush! Britain love me!

BUSH:
Britain do not love you, Gordon.

GORDON:
They do – they think I'm a messiah!

BUSH:
They think you're a mess.

GORDON:
Yeah?

BUSH:
Yeah.

GORDON:
Yeah?!

BUSH:
(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah.

GORDON:
Well, they don't think you're so cool.

BUSH:
I am cool. I understand things.

GORDON:
You understand nothing, sir.

BUSH:
Cheney the Colossus says I understand things. Popular culture. The youth impact of BBC3. 'Dead Ringers'.

GORDON:
You do not get 'Dead Ringers'!

BUSH:
Hey, I *get* 'Dead Ringers'! Culshaw is one cool cat.

GORDON:
I'm a cool cat. A real funk-biscuit!

BUSH:
(LAUGHS) There's no *way* you're a funk biscuit.

GORDON:
I could be a funk biscuit.

BUSH:
You could never be a funk biscuit. At best, you're a... jazz hob-nob.

GORDON:
What's a jazz hob-nob? That's not even a thing!

BUSH:
It is. It's like a mormon digestive. (BEAT) Only not as cool.

GORDON:
You can't just make things up and expect people to laugh. You're not Noel Fielding. (PAUSE) Why do these Iraq talks take so long, do you think?

BUSH:
No idea. Do you like my shoes? Platforms are in again. 'Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.' told me.

GORDON:
Can't we get Naboo and Bolo to fix this global crisis?

BUSH:
Nah – they've gone to Naboo-tlins.

GORDON:
Every time. (BEAT) I guess we'll have to resolve it in the usual humourous way then...

BOTH BEGIN TO 'CRIMP'

BOTH:
Iraq-Iraq-Iraq. Global terrorism.
Stop the bombing of innocent civilians
Bringing order and democracy. (PAUSE) Slow-ly.
(WHISPERS) Very slowly
Improving relations with Iran, Afghan-i-stan and North Korea;
stopping any humanitarian crisis can wait
as we fight, fight, fight
for oil, oil, oil
Lovely black stuff—

GORDON:
—slick little black stuff—

BOTH:
Funding our incompetence with taxes from the
Rising price, price, price of—

GORDON/BUSH:
(SIMULTANEOUS) —Petrol/—Gasoline!

END

Radio sketch.

SFX. LIGHTNING STRIKE, GOTHIC ORGAN MUSIC

DR WULF:
(appalling sinister Eastern European accent) Mr Cameron, I was not expecting you. I would have ...

DAVID CAMERON:
I don't have time, Wulf, I need to know if Operation Gemini is working. Three general elections lost, we must prevail this time.

WULF:
Well, phase one has certainly worked. I shall turn up the volume on the monitor.

BORIS JOHNSON:
(fades in over monitor):
Gosh! Crumbs! You're a fine filly with a cracking pair of bosoms, Matron. Crikey! Foreigners are stupid! Oops! Sorry! (fades out)

CAMERON:
And there's no way he can get out of there, Dr Wulf?

WULF:
No, we've put a sign over the door saying "This is not an exit." There's no way he'll see through that.

CAMERON:
And the robotic replacement . . .

WULF:
Fully installed at the mayor's office. No gaffes yet.

CAMERON:
Excellent. And phase two?

WULF:
If we look through this monitor, there he is. The Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland - our prisoner.

CAMERON:
Does he have any idea what's going on?

WULF:
Not at all. As far as he's concerned, he's still Chancellor of the Exchequer. It's a perfect replica of his room at Number 11. And every five minutes or so, the Blair bot comes in to say "I'm still Prime Minister and you're not, nyah-na-na-nyah-na."

CAMERON:
A perfect simulation, then. And the Brown-bot?

WULF:
Giving a speech, even as we speak. We can listen in . . .

GORDON BROWN-BOT:
(over monitor, fade-up)
The congestion charge will be introduced in every town and city in the United Kingdom . . .

CAMERON:
Not good enough! Turn it up to the next level.

SFX: LIGHTNING STRIKE. TWEETING SOUND OF OLD-FASHIONED RADIO BEING TUNED.

BROWN-BOT:
(fades in) ... and so to use their experience, we will be sending all pensioners to serve in Iraq or Afghanistan ... (fades out)

CAMERON:
Ha! Haaa! More! More!

SFX: RADIO SOUND AGAIN

BROWN-BOT:
(fades in) ... and to deter identity fraudsters, the compulsory ID card will be two feet wide by three quarters of a foot tall and eight inches thick, and covered in electrified barbed wire with dirty great spikes sticking out . . . (fades out)

CAMERON:
Mwah-ha-haaaa! Nothing can stop us now!

SFX: LIGHTNING STRIKE.

BARONESS THATCHER:
(in zombie style, groans) Let's bring back the poll tax.

CAMERON:
Aieeee! She's alive!

INT. OFFICE

Gordon Brown sits on a chair, staring blankly into the distance.

Across the way sits one of Gordon's Aids, who's on the phone finishing a conversation.

He turns his attention to Gordon.

AID
Mr. Prime Minister?
(No response)
Mr. Prime Minister?
(Still no response)
Oi, Gordon!

GORDON
Me?

AID
Yes, Mr. Prime Minister.

GORDON
Sorry, I'm still not used to that. What's up Aid?

AID
It's Tony, Mr. Prime Minister.

GORDON
No, it's Gordon, Tony left.

AID
No, my name is Tony.

GORDON
That must have been confusing?

AID
Only when he referred to himself in third person, sir.

GORDON
Gordon's often thought about doing that Tony.

AID
(Joking)
Tony doesn't think that's a very good idea, sir.

GORDON
(Concerned)
He doesn't?

AID
(Point to himself)
I meant this Tony, sir.

GORDON
(Relieved)
Oh right.

AID
Actually Mr. Prime Minister, I have Tony on the phone.

Gordon stares puzzled at the statement.

AID (Continued)
The other Tony, sir.

GORDON
Oh right.

AID
On line 1, sir.

GORDON
(Playful wink)
Gordon thanks you Tony.

The Aid transfers the call. Gordon picks up the phone.

GORDON
Hello Tony, you old dog.
(Laughs)
Hows the misses?
(Laughs)
So Tony, I was-

AID
(Interrupting)
Yes, sir?

GORDON
(To the Aid)
What?

AID
Sorry, I thought you meant me, sir.

GORDON
No the other one.

GORDON (CONTINUED)
(To the phone)
So Tony-

AID
(Interrupting)
Yes, sir?

GORDON
(To the Aid)
Oh, you've done it again.

AID
Sorry sir. You're right though, it is very confusing.

GORDON
It's okay, but if I say Tony again, I mean the other Tony.

AID
Of course sir, sorry again.

The aid busies himself with paperwork. A second Aid enters, bringing some files to the first Aid.

GORDON
(To the phone)
So Tony-
(Looks at the Aid, no response)
-I was just thinking. Maybe we should go out one night?
(Laughs)
Of course, bring the wives.
(Laughs)
When, I'll have to check my diary, just a moment.
(To the Aid)
Tony?
(No response)
Tony?
(Still no response)
Oi, Aid!

SECOND AID
Yes, Mr. Prime Minister?

GORDON
Sorry, who are you?

SECOND AID
I'm Adrian, your second Aid, Mr. Prime Minister.

GORDON
Sorry, I wanted Tony.

SECOND AID
I believe he's on line 1, Mr. Prime Minister.

GORDON
Sorry, I meant my First Aid.

SECOND AID
You want first aid, Mr. Prime Minister?

GORDON
I think so, yes?

SECOND AID
Gordon?

GORDON
Yes?

SECOND AID
(Point to the first Aid)
Sorry I meant him.

GORDON
But his name is Tony.

SECOND AID
I know but we called him Gordon so we wouldn't get confused.

GORDON
Why Gordon?

AID
Yes?

GORDON
Sorry, I was talking to Aide.

SECOND AID
It's because his name is Tony Gordon, sir.

GORDON
(To phone)
Oh, come back Tony.

END

Quote: Jake How @ June 11 2008, 12:55 PM BST

I like it is very good.

View original

I am deleting this post, you quoted and entire sketch then said it was good, please vote at the end!

Sorry.

ALI D:
Aiiii, is Alistair Darling or to use me proper street name, Ali D, Chancellor of da moola, in da house where all da politics and fings are done, innit. Me just wanna say what with all da Northern Rock and da 10p bollocks, wanting to lock up geezas in da ghetto for well over a zillion days without no trial, and da petrol taxes what you is all having to pay coz we is in da well big recession, that it ain’t got nuffing to do with me, innit.

Me not done nuffing coz it was me main geeza Gordon Brown what did it when he was da scumbag what was in charge of da Treasury turf, and he has been dissing me big time by dropping me in da poo poo. It is well uncool coz he is treating me like his bitch, which is well minging. I is screwed, innit. (PAUSE) Is it coz I is stoopid?

END

Quote: Paul W @ June 11 2008, 2:20 PM BST

I am deleting this post, you quoted and entire sketch then said it was good, please vote at the end!

View original

A couple of jokes:

1. V/O: There now follows a party political broadcast by the Labour Party.

CUT TO HOSPITAL THEATRE BEDECKED IN BALLOONS AND RIBBONS. A LARGE NUMBER OF WOMAN ARE GIVING BIRTH. SFX GROANS.

2. Ricky Gervais is starring as an MP in his latest show. It's called 'Office Politics'.