Right. It's 4:15 so 15 minutes after submissions deadline for Parsons and Naylor's Pull-Out Sections episode 1. I sent these gags in earlier. I think I've got the programme's 'vibe' right (could imagine the two of them reading the gags out loud). What do people think?
Cheers
Dan
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BIRD FLU
A Bird Flu outbreak at a Suffolk turkey farm has caused turkey prices to go through the roof. This is not because of a shortage of turkeys as expected but because all Turkey Farms have passed straight to the customer their costs for Lemsip, Olbas Oil and Kleenex Anti-Viral Tissues.
TORNADOS
A tornado hit Florida this week, killing 19 people and causing damage to over 10,000 homes. A tornado also ripped through London in December injuring six people and causing damage to *up to* 150 houses and cars. The tornados were equivalent but the current exchange rate allowed the Americans to get much more for their money.
ENGLAND V. SPAIN
Joey Barton complained about footballers writing autobiographies on the back of their world cup campaign and was then selected for the England squad. England captain Steven Gerrard said it won't cause any ill-feeling and that Barton could have a free, signed copy of his. Ashley Cole offered him the same and Barton decked him for putting a big kiss on the first page. Theo Walcott offered him his but the weight of the wooden building blocks proved a drawback.
ORANG-UTAN FINDS LOVE
A mate has been found for a 16-year-old orang-utan in Devon following a lonely hearts plea sent to animal parks around the world. The ad read: 'Cuddly female who likes swinging seeks big, hairy, red-blooded ginger male with terrific cheek pads.' Mick Hucknall went the extra mile and invited her up to his own forest. A spokeman said it was "a species on the edge of extinction - they could be extinct in the wild in our lifetime and zoos will be the final refuge." He added "And the orang-utan is too."
FRENCH HEADACHES
Zinedine Zidane retired from all football after being sent off in the World Cup Final in July. Despite his last contribution being an unstoppable, thundering header in extra-time, the Frenchman was awarded the Golden Ball as the tournament's most important player. Quite what he's going to do with half a David Beckham, no-one knows.
INDIAN ECONOMY/EXCHANGE RATE
India's economy has gone into overdrive. An economist in London has stated that India is close to being a $1trillion economy. Their main growth industries of textiles, clothing and medicines have recently been overtaken by the relatively new industry of suing the creators of reality shows in the UK which now accounts for 80% of the country's fiscal growth.
Put into perspective, $1trillion could pay for a manned mission to Mars, 9 instances of war *and* reconstruction in Iraq or a bag of crisps and a pork pie from any UK supermarket at the current exchange rate.
TERRORISM
Police freed two men arrested in a plot to kidnap a soldier and behead them live on the internet. Extensively pressed by the media if this was the right thing to do, a detective involved in the investigation replied: 'Alright. Calm down. No point losing your head over it!'
ITALIAN FOOTBALL
Italy win the World Cup and putting an end to the disgraceful match-fixing scandals that had rocked the footballing world. Finally all is restored to order as the Italians just want to get back to playing the beautiful game in it's purest form: technically superior, solid defensively and ruthless attacking... all happened on the terraces as hooligans kill a police officer resulting in the rest of the season being suspended.
BBC SPORTS COVERAGE
The BBC's loss of sporting rights reaches new depths as a *comedian* is one of the favourites for the Sports Personality of the Year, after David Walliams swims the channel. Next year's tips are Andy Parsons for 'athletic eyebrows' and Henry Naylor for 'once wearing a wetsuit in an old Barclaycard commercial'.