This is an extract from a radio sketch show aimed at a Radio 4 audience. I just need 1 more sketch to get to the magic 27 minute mark. Anyway if you have any suggestions for a sketch theres a thread on the writers discussion forum. They're all loosly based on the theme of death (a comedy goldmine, not). Its quite long but its sketches so you read what you want. Also the narrator is linking the sketches and isn't meant to be funny in case you wondered.
SCENE 33. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Many people die because they succumb to the pressure of the Rat Race.
SCENE 34. RAT RACE
TIM IS HAVING A MEETING WITH MALCOLM
TIM:
Malcolm, it’s just not good enough.
MALCOLM:
I know Tim but I’ve been under a lot of pressure
MALCOLM:
We’ve been working on this for two bloody months solid and you haven’t delivered.
MALCOLM:
My doctor told me to take it easy, he told me to get out of the rat race
TIM:
Don’t do this to me Malcolm. I have to do this and you’re making me feel bad.
MALCOM:
Please Tim, I’m really sorry.
TIM:
I have to make examples or everyone else would slack off. We can’t have that can we Malcolm? Bend over Malcolm
MALCOLM:
I’ve learnt my lesson Tim, I won’t do it again. Please
TIM:
Take it like a man Malcolm, if you close your eyes it’ll pass quicker.
F/X:
A LOUD SMACK
TIM:
What do we say?
MALCOLM:
Thank you Tim
TIM:
You’re welcome
MALCOLM:
Can I be excused Tim
TIM:
Yes Malcolm, oh and Malcolm next time you will…
MALCOLM:
Number the pages Tim
TIM:
Well done Malcolm.
SCENE 35. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Most people die alone but the unfortunate sometimes die in large numbers by disease, natural disaster or even famine
SCENE 36. IRISH POTATOE FAMINE
TWO IRISHMEN FIND A POTATO
PATRICK:
Liam! Liam! Look I’ve found some potatoes
LIAM:
Thank God, I’m starving
PATRICK:
Wait Liam I don’t think they have a label on them
LIAM:
Not again, how will we know if there high in slat or fat without a traffic light system
PATRICK:
What type do you think they are?
LIAM:
They’re not King Edwards that’s for sure, Maris Piper maybe
PATRICK:
No I don’t think so, could be Ulster Prince, Golden Wonder, White Lady. Wait I know they’re Charlottes.
LIAM:
I like those how shall we cook them?
PATRICK:W
ait, here’s the sack they were in, ‘Charlotte potatoes, fertilised with chicken shit’
LIAM:
Damn it, there not organic.
PATRICK:
I think there’s some cheese strings over there.
SCENE 37. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Death is often avoided through the efforts of the brave like fire-fighters, police men and bomb diffusers.
SCENE 38. BOMB DISPOSING
WILLIAM:
Yeah Frank you were right it’s a mark 2 Johnson. HQ says you should go for the red wire, I repeat go for the red wire.
FRANK:
I’m not sure Will, there are five red wires
WILLIAM:
HQ has the manual in their hands and is 100% certain you should cut the red wire.
FRANK:
I’m telling you Will, there are five red wires.
WILLIAM:
It should have a blue wire, two green wires, a brown wire and a red wire.
FRANK:
Should I cut all the wires because there all red
WILLIAM:
Negative Frank. Standby…Can you describe the bomb to us
FRANK:
Yes it has a red casing, red circuit board and the explosive is dyed red
WILLIAM:
I’m pulling you out Frank; we’ll get someone else to look at it
FRANK:
OK but they’ll tell you the same thing.
FRANK LEAVES THE BOMB AND IT IS DIFFUSED BY SOMEONE ELSE
MARTIN:
Cutting the red wire, bomb diffused.
WILLIAM:
Thanks Maritn. Frank I think we have to talk
FRANK:
OK
WILLIAM:
Frank we are going to have to let you go, to be honest we only hired you because of the equality legislation but you’re now endangering yourself and other people.
FRANK:
Oh I’m fired now just because I can’t diffuse a bomb
WILLIAM:
Its part of your job description Frank
FRANK:
You’ll be hearing from my solicitor, firing me because I’m black it’s unbelievable.
WILLIAM:
Frank, you'er white, we’re firing you because you colour blind
FRANK:
Am I.
SCENE 39. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Once people die they go to Heaven or Hell depending on what they were like in real life. Saint peter is the bloke who decides who gets in and who doesn’t
SCENE 40. PEARLY GATES
SAINT PETER:
Welcome to the Pearly Gates, your name is.
ED:
Ed, what just happened.
SAINT PETER:
You died, date of birth
ED:
March the 8th 1973, how did I die?
SAINT PETER:
Eggs
ED:
Eggs?
SAINT PETER:
You got Ecoli from an egg and died. Earthly residence
ED:
Farnborough, Kent. So I got in Heaven
SAINT PETER:
If every thing checks out yes.
ED:
Sweet, what did I get in for?
SAINT PETER:
Good behaviour, specifically you brushed your teeth every day.
ED:
Brushing my teeth?
SAINT PETER:
Hygiene is very important, we can’t stink up heaven or else it wouldn’t be heaven would it. Religion?
ED:
Christian, Church of England.
SAINT PETER:
Just checking the computer, it takes a minute, any questions?
ED:
Is God a man or a woman?
SAINT PETER:
Well you can’t define god as…
ED:
Is there something wrong?
SAINT PETER:
Can’t let you in with trainers.
ED:
What
SAINT PETER:
No trainers, it’s a Heaven policy.
ED:
Can I take them off
SAINT PETER:
No sir, step behind the rope sir,
ED:
But where can I go?
SAINT PETER:
You can go to hell sir.
SCENE 41. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
The government recognises that some activities are dangerous and could lead to death. To combat this they issue safety adverts to warn the public.
SCENE 42. SAFETY ADVERTS
GIRL:
Hit me at 40 miles per hour and there’s an 80% chance I will die. Hit me at 30 miles per hour and there’s an 80% chance I will live. Hit me at 20 miles per hour there’s a, carry the 1, 90% chance I will live. Hit me at 10 miles per hour in a 4x4 with bull bars there’s a 73.4% chance I will die but a 100% chance that your children in the back seat will be fine. The new 4x4 Farm Rover from Cord motors. If your children are safe who cares about others?
JOE IS DRINKING WITH ROGER
JOE:
Roger, do you want a drink.
ROGER:
No thanks I’m driving
JOE:
Go on, its only one drink.
ROGER:
Alright then,
TIME PASSES
JUDGE:
Roger Frederick Smith, you are accused of several charges. Driving under the influence how do you plead?
ROGER:
Guilty
JUDGE:
Exposing yourself in public
ROGER:
Guilty
JUDGE:
Racing Grannies
ROGER:
Guilty
JUDGE:
High Treason
ROGER:
Guilty
JUDGE:
Tax avoidance
ROGER:
I didn’t do that when I was drunk
JUDGE:
Sorry that’s a charge against your barrister. I hope Mr Smith that you’ve learnt your lesson.
ROGER:
Yes you honour I will never drink again.
JUDGE:
No we want you to drink or else the government wouldn’t make any money, just don’t drink and drive.
ROGER:
Oh. OK.
SCENE 43. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Some of the biggest companies in the world make money out of death
SCENE 44. ARMS ACROSS AFRICA
VOICE OVER:
Give a man a fish and he will feed for a day. Give a man an AK 47 and he will shoot lots of fish
FX
OUND OF AN AK47 BEING FIRED
VOICE OVER:
Give a man an AK 47 and he can defend his land and family. Give a man a weapons cache and he can become a warlord and defend a lot of land and people. So help us spread arms across Africa.
SCENE 45. NARRATION
NARRATOR:
Racial tensions can lead to death in extreme cases.
SCENE 46. THE KBP
DRYSTAN:
I’d liked to call to order the first meeting of the KBP. I think everyone here knows why this group was formed. For years now we have tolerated a flood of immigration into our country. We have been increasingly marginalised and have in effect become a minority in our own country. It has to stop. I say we should send them all back. Brietta
BRIETTA:
Thank you Drystan. It is disgusting the state this country is in. Our traditions have been ridiculed and sidelined yet we have to respect the religion and rituals of other. I say we make a stand; KBP is the only party which has the guts and the will power to stand up to these, these trespassers.
DRYSTAN:
I think we all agree with Brietta on this point. We have been stretched to breaking point and we’re not going to bend over any more. We are going to Keep Britain Pure! Keep Britain Pagan! We’ll drive the Romans, Anglo-Saxons, Vikings and Normans into the sea. Who’s with me!
F/X:CHEERS