1. EXT. Swish private hospital. Sign: ST PORSCHE'S HOSPITAL FOR THE AFFLUENT.
2. INT. Private room. GERALD BAXTER lies in bed. Wife AUDREY sits next to him. BAXTER is coming round after an operation.
In walks DR FOSTER. He picks up chart from the end of the bed.
DR FOSTER:
Ah, Mr Baxter. Good morning. (looks at chart) Well, everything seems to be in order. I'm delighted to say the operation to remove your ingrowing toenail was a complete success.
BAXTER:
(Groggy) Well, that's a relief. I can't tell you how painful it was.
DR FOSTER:
Any twinges at all?
BAXTER:
Well, my right leg feels very numb.
DR FOSTER:
I'm not surprised. I lopped it off.
BAXTER:
What?!?
DR FOSTER:
Well, I'm a perfectionist. I wasn't entirely pleased with my handiwork with the old nail. Bit of a bender last night. So, rather than leave you with a poor impression, I just carried on cutting. I'm a sod for it, to be honest.
AUDREY:
(squeals) Gerald!
BAXTER:
But my leg! What have you done?
DR FOSTER:
I've pimped it.
BAXTER:
What?
DR FOSTER:
I've pimped your leg.
BAXTER:
(angry) You've done what?!?
DR FOSTER:
I've pimped your leg. I've replaced your mangy old one with a top-of-the-range titanium prosthetic leg for no extra cost. Least I could do.
BAXTER:
But it was a perfectly healthy leg.
DR FOSTER:
Not once I'd been at it. So, your new leg. Let me just take you through it. It's got a GPS satnav, and gives you a bit of an electric shock when it detects speed cameras.
BAXTER:
(tearful) You've cut off my leg.
DR FOSTER:
No need for thanks. All part of the service. (continues) It's got Bluetooth, DAB radio, an iPod docking station with speakers . . .
BAXTER:
My leg . . .
DR FOSTER:
And halfway down the thigh there's a cup holder. Just slides out . . . on the outside, obviously. (laughs)
BAXTER:
What? A cup holder? (beat, then smiling) Really?
DR FOSTER:
Yes, just push there (points to top of thigh through blanket) and it just glides out.
AUDREY:
Ooh, that's handy.
DR FOSTER:
Right then. Well I'll be able to discharge you this afternoon. So, do you have any more questions?
(beat)
AUDREY:
Could you do his vasectomy?