A profitable undertaking

1. INT. A FUNERAL PARLOUR

A MARRIED COUPLE ARE TALKING TO AN UNDERTAKER.

UNDERTAKER

...so that's the headstone. And then there's the casket.

WIFE (DABBING HER EYE)

Only the best for my mum.

UNDERTAKER (SHOWING THEM THE CATALOGUE)

In that case you will be wanting our top of the range model, the Emperor, "eternity in style and comfort".

HUSBAND

It's ever so expensive, dear. (TO UNDERTAKER) Don't you have anything less...

UNDERTAKER

...caring? Of course. There 's our budget model, the Pauper.

HE POINTS TO CATALOGUE.

WIFE

It's rather plain...

UNDERTAKER

Perfectly good model, the Pauper. It will do the job. Of course if it was my mother...

WIFE

Yes?

UNDERTAKER

Well, I would go for the Princess. Beautiful casket. Says so much about how you feel about someone, the right casket.

WIFE (TO HUSBAND)

I think we should go for that.

UNDERTAKER

And you'll want the gold handles, of course?

WIFE

Er, yes...is that much extra?

UNDERTAKER

A little, but how often do you get to bury your mum?

WIFE

No, of course your right.

HUSBAND

I really don't know if we can afford all this, dear.

UNDERTAKER

Hmm. Look I don't do this for everyone, but I can see how much you loved your mum. If I speak to the boss, I may be able to get him to bring down the price.

THE UNDERTAKER PICKS UP THE PHONE AND TALKS INTO IT IN THE BACKGROUND.

HUSBAND

We should have gone to the Co-Op.

WIFE

Sssh. Only the best is good enough for my mum.

HUSBAND (MUTTERING)

I know I wasn't.

UNDERTAKER

You're in luck, it just so happens we have a Princess available. An unwanted gift apparently, so the boss is prepared to drop the price. How's this for the whole package?

THE UNDERTAKER JOTS SOMETHING DOWN ON PAPER.

HUSBAND

It is still more than we had in mind...

UNDERTAKER

Hang on. I'll have another word with the boss. (INTO PHONE) Trev? Me again....Yes, she wants to do right by her mum... I'd love to be able to help... Well if we could that would be great...(TO THE WIFE) The boss asks if your mum's plot is in a good location?

WIFE

Well... er... How do you mean?

UNDERTAKER

Like near a path, where lots of people will see it?

WIFE

Well, I suppose...

UNDERTAKER (INTO PHONE)

She says that it is... Great... I'm sure they will be over the moon.

UNDERTAKER (BEAMING)

Right, how's this for a price?

HE JOTS SOMETHING DOWN.

HUSBAND

I am not sure...

WIFE

Can we think about it?

UNDERTAKER

I am afraid the boss says we can't hold it. If you want to give your mum a send off that shows you care, you will have to make your mind up today.

WIFE

Let's take it.

HER HUSBAND WEARILY NODS ASSENT.

UNDERTAKER

There is just one thing...

2. EXT. A CEMETARY

THE COUPLE ARE STOOD AT THE GRAVESIDE AS THE COFFIN IS BEING LOWERED, THE WIFE DABBING AT HER EYES WITH HER HANDKERCHIEF AS THE HUSBAND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER.

THE SHOT OPENS UP TO SHOW A SIGNBOARD ON A POLE:

PARSONS BULLER
FUNERAL DIRECTORS & MONUMENTAL MASONS
FOR A FREE QUOTE
CALL: 0202 123456 www.parsonsbuller.com

Great idea, the hard sell funeral salesman. But too long for me. Nice ending.

Yes,it probably outstays it's welcome, but that tends to be a problem with salesmen. This was written to exorcise two of the worst experiences of my life, arranging my Dad's funeral, and letting a double glazing salesman through the front door.

I shall see where I can make cuts.

Quote: Timbo @ June 3 2008, 5:26 PM BST

Yes,it probably outstays it's welcome, but that tends to be a problem with salesmen. This was written to exorcise two of the worst experiences of my life, arranging my Dad's funeral, and letting a double glazing salesman through the front door.

I shall see where I can make cuts.

View original

Enjoyed it, but yes a little too long.

" . . . worst experiences of my life, arranging my Dad's funeral . . ."

Ditto Timbo.

I exorcised mine by including and referencing my father's funeral in an article I had published, (which had nothing to do with the subject matter of the article but I devised a tenuous connection - And would you believe it? The editor asked for more of the same! (Huh? How many fathers did he think I had?)

The funeral director was a wiley old dog. As the cortege came into the cemetery a bunch of mucky-faced young tearaways stopped swinging their legs on the wall, hopped off and dutifully stood to rigid attention, and solemnly bowed their heads as we passed them. My sister pointed it out as we passed and she was quite moved by it. The funeral director told me afterwards that those same kids were always causing trouble, so he tipped them all 50p each, (as per usual), to cease their activities whilst 'his' graveside ceremonies took place. He was as surprised as anyone when on this occasion they doffed their baseball caps etc., Sometime later when the bill arrived, I rechecked it trying to work out how much those kids had added to it.

Okay hijack over; do not adjust your screens, normal service is now restored.

I quite enjoyed this up to the ending, however I think that is because I had already decided that the mother would probably reveal herself somehow to be still alive and have a pop at the husband.

Nice flow through the entire sketch but probably suffered from being a bit long, which is why my mind started to wander conjuring up my own punchline.