Bank Raid Sketch

This is an idea I've had buzzing round in my head for a while, so I decided to have a go at finishing it.

Int. Car

3 men in balaclavas are in the car: Simon is sat in the passenger seat, Terry in the back and Gavin is sat at the wheel with the motor running. Simon and Terry have shotguns.

Simon: Now, we're clear on the plan aren't we?

Terry/Gavin: Yes.

Simon: Right, let's go.

Gavin goes to get out of the car.

Simon: What are you doing?

Gavin: We're gonna rob the bank.

Simon: You're the getaway driver! You stay here!

Terry: I thought I was the driver.

Simon: Of course you're not! Why d'you think you're in the back?!

Terry: Because he (POINTS AT GAVIN) gets carsick in the back.

Simon: GOD NO!

Terry: He does get carsick!

Gavin: I do, y'know.

Simon: Look, you're the driver and you're coming with me!

Terry: What are you getting so worked up for?

Simon: Because I've been planning this for months. We can't mess it up. Now, are we ready?

Terry/Gavin: Yes.

Simon: Right, let's go.

They burst out of the car leaving Gavin at the wheel. A few seconds pass. Simon and Terry get back in the car.

Gavin: That was quick.

Terry: Bank holiday.

Simon: Can we just go please.

ENDS

With help from PETE

I like it, looks like a scene from Lock, Stock or something. It would be pretty funny to watch. Maybe you should have them run up to the locked door and then one of them mentions it's a bank holiday.

The opening is funny and that is the part you should concentrate on, it could benefit from being longer, to build up Simon's irritation. Whether or not to lay it on thicker about the planning is a tough call; there is a danger of over-egging, making the pay-off too predictable; it is not the most original. Not that that matters, often a punchline is just a device to close down the sketch. Just a suggestion, but It might be an idea to follow up the punchline with a one-line coda, where Terry says something banal and irritating, to rub in Simon's chagrin and to tie the ending back to the meat of the sketch,

How about:

Simon: Right, let's go.

They burst out of the car leaving Gavin at the wheel.

Cut to moments later and the dive back in the car.

Gavin: That was quick.

Terry: Bank holiday.

Simon: Can we just go please.

ENDS

Scratch my idea for ending it, I prefer Pete's. And welcome Pete.

or to add a bit more to Pete's ending;

Simon: Can we just go please?

Gavin: Right. Homebase or B&Q?

This is a good idea I like it, and yeah, Pete's ending would end it nicely!

I like your idea, Pete. What a great first post you've made on BSG.

Pete's ending now edited in.

I liked it.

Lot to work on if you wanted to touch it up even more. Don't know what the ending was like to start with, but Pete's suggestion works very well.

Good work Pete!

Pete's funny.

Thanks all.

I don't have the original ending to hand at the minute, but it was a similar punchline. They all stayed in the car before Gavin revealed it was a bank holiday. Pete's version is slicker.