Gowan, you know you want to. To liven up this saturday night.
I'll start:
A quick way to start a conversation is to say, "What's your favourite colour?"
A quick way to end a conversation is to say, "What's your favourite colour... person?"
Tell us a joke...
Q: Why did the clothes line laugh?
A: The washing machine took the piss out of the knickers.
Why did the beach blush?
Because the seaweed.
Heres a favourite from Jimmy Carr:-
I was driving past a School for children with special needs, on the side of the road was a sign that said 'Slow Children' which i thought was harsh, but on the plus side, they can't read it.
In russia we have a saying, 'women are like buses'. Thats it.
I was complimented on my driving today, they left a note on my windscreen, it said Parking-fine.
A husband and wife are getting dressed to go out. She stands in front of the mirror and says "Jack, are my breasts too small?"
Jack says "No dear they're just fine"
"They are aren't they, they're too small." She says.
"Well maybe a a little on the small side but if you're worried try rubbing a couple of sheets of toilet paper between them."
"Will that make them bigger?"
"Well" Says he "It worked for your arse."
Paul is sober.
Did you hear about the man with five willies?
His underpants fitted him like a glove.
Quote: Aaron @ June 1 2008, 12:26 AM BSTPaul is sober.
I wrote this one but someone told me they heard something similar:
They say and apple a day keeps the doctor away - I find a handguns more effective.
How many kids with attention deficit disorder does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go bike riding?
Apparently they're about to start playing porn movies at the petrol pumps, so you can watch somebody else getting f**ked at the same time as you.
Two women lectured me about brown bread for an hour this morning on my doorstep. They were Hovis Witnesses.
Talking of bread I saw some yesterday that I thought was named after Jade Goody. But then I realised it said 'Thick Cut'.
Have you seen the new John Terry Vodka? It's made in London but bottled in Moscow.
So I was walking through a graveyard and I saw this bloke crouching behind a gravestone. I said "Morning", and he said "No, I'm having a shit."
I bought this new Al Quaida talking doll from Toys R Us. I don't know what it says, I'm too scared to pull the cord.
Quote: Perry Nium @ June 1 2008, 1:11 PM BSTTwo women lectured me about brown bread for an hour this morning on my doorstep. They were Hovis Witnesses.
I chuckled.
Quote: Perry Nium @ June 1 2008, 1:11 PM BSTSo I was walking through a graveyard and I saw this bloke crouching behind a gravestone. I said "Morning", and he said "No, I'm having a shit."
Here's some single lines (mostly punchlines) from some old jokes
See how many anyone can recognise out of 10
1.) Hark I hear the Cannons roar
2.) Never mind all that someone's nicked the Video player
3.) I had to walk home
4.) F**k off you Red nosed C**t
5.)Oh you mean Twirling Ted Smith?
6.)Well there's no problem with your sense of smell but you may need to get your hearing checked
7.) Why would I use that end you've had your mouth on that
8.) Do you know what, I think I may be able to do this with one bullet
9.) I was only trying to trip him up
10.)And after much deliberation he married the one with the biggest Tits
Did you know Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two regional newspapers?
It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
Very poor!
Quote: fasty @ 28th April 2021, 8:34 PMDid you know Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two regional newspapers?
It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
Just started reading that this week for the first time(s).