INT - A PUBLIC SCHOOL - DAY
A BOY RUNS DOWN A CORRIDOR STOPPING AT A DOOR MARKED HEADMASTER. HE BARGES IN WITHOUT KNOCKING.
CUT TO:
INT - HEADMASTER'S STUDY - DAY
THE HEADMASTER IS SITTING BEHIND A VERY BIG DESK. THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND THE BOY ENTERS.
BOY:
Sir you must come immediately. Parson's has shot his self. On the firing rage sir... just now. I think he's possibly dead sir!
HEAD:
How dare you come into my office like that boy! Get out, knock the door and wait to be bidden enter.
THE BOY BECOMES VERY AGITATED
BOY:
But sir you don't understand sir! I said Parson's has shot his self on the firing range.
HEAD:
Oh I see, very well. I shall attend the firing range presently to investigate but first I must ask you to bend over that chair. I'm afraid I must administer six of the best to you.
BOY:
But what on earth for sir? Parson's is possibly bleeding to death even as we speak sir.
HEAD:
At this school I will not tolerate the incorrect usage of our most beautiful language. It should be. Sir! Parson's has shot *him*self. This is not an inner-city comprehensive boy.
BOY:
Oh for goodness sake there's no time for this nonsense. Language doesn’t matter one little bit. Someone's about to die and you want to give me six of the best for poor use of language?
HEAD:
Language doesn't matter!? Ye Gods boy, where would Shakespeare have been with an attitude like that? I cannot believe that you uttered such an awful thing.
Let me tell you...whatever your name is...there is never a time when language doesn't matter. Take 500 lines - there is never an occasion when language is not of paramount importance - to be delivered to my study before prayers. Now bend over that chair!
RELUCTANTLY THE BOY BENDS OVER THE CHAIR. THE HEAD CROSSES TO HIS CUPBOARD AND TAKES OUT A CANE. HE SWISHES IT THROUGH THE AIR A FEW TIMES.
HEAD:
Believe me this is going to hurt me more than it will you. But I must simply endure it. If the lesson is learned then all will not have been in vain.
THE DOOR BURST OPEN AGAIN AND ANOTHER BOY CRASHES INTO THE STUDY.
NEW BOY:
Sir you must come immediately.
THE FIRST BOY GESTURES TO THE NEW BOY TO KEEP QUIET BY SHAKING HIS HEAD AND MAKING A THROAT CUTTING GESTURE BUT IS IGNORED
NEW BOY:
Parson's has shot his self.
FIRST BOY ROLLS HIS EYES SKYWARD
BOY:
Oh bollocks!
NEW BOY:
On the firing rage sir... just now. I think he's possibly dead sir!
HEAD:
Good God! It's rife. I'll deal with you in a minute boy just as soon as I have finished here. In the meantime bend over that other chair.
END:
