British Comedy Guide

The Pitkin Motel

1. INT. MOTEL RECEPTION

FILMED IN BLACK AND WHITE, MOODILY LIT.

A BLONDE IS WAITING, WHILE THE RECEPTIONIST, HIS BACK TO US, REACHES FOR A KEY. WE DO NOT SEE HIM DISTINCTLY AND HIS VOICE IS SLIGHTLY MUFFLED.

RECEPTIONIST

Will you be staying with us long?

BLONDE

Just the one night.

RECEPTIONIST

Well if you need anything, just call for me.

BLONDE

Will do. What's your name?

THE RECEPTIONST TURNS ROUND AND HANDS HER THE KEY.

RECEPTIONIST

Norman.

HE IS WEARING A FLAT CAP PUSHED BACK ON HIS HEAD AND HIS JACKET IS HANGING OFF HIS SHOULDERS.

2. EXT. A HANGING NEON SIGN, "PITKIN MOTEL". THE THEME TO PSYCHO KICKS IN.

3. INT. MOTEL BATHROOM.

THE BLONDE IS TAKING A SHOWER, BEHIND A SHOWER CURTAIN. THE CAMERA DRAWS CLOSER, INTERSPERSED WITH SHOTS OF WATER RUNNING DOWN THE BLONDE'S BODY. A KNIFE SLASHES THE SHOWER CURTAIN, AND THEN AGAIN, THE INSISTANT PSYCHO THEME PLAYING AS IT DOES.

AND THE KNIFE GETS SNAGGED. NORMAN, FOR IT IS HE, TRIES TO FREE IT. AND AS HE DOES SO THE CURTAIN PULLS AWAY FROM ITS HANGINGS, WRAPPING ITSELF AROUND HIM. STRUGGLING TO FREE HIMSELF NORMAN ENDS UP IN A TANGLED HEAP ON THE FLOOR.

THE BLONDE LEANS OVER HIM, COVERNG HER BITS WITH HER HANDS.

BLONDE

I say, are you all right?

NORMAN THRASHES SOME MORE, WAVING HIS KNIFE WHILE ATTEMPTING TO FREE HIMSELF.

BLONDE

Do you need a hand.

NORMAN

No, no, I'll be all right in a moment.

BLONDE

You couldn't be a dear and pass me the towel? It's over there on the radiator.

STILL LYING ON THE FLOOR, NORMAN REACHES FOR THE TOWEL, AND PULLS ON IT. IT IS CAUGHT UP. HE TUGS AGAIN AND THE RADIATOR COMES AWAY FROM THE WALL. WATER SPURTS INTO THE ROOM, SOAKING NORMAN AS HE LIES TANGLED IN THE CURTAIN ON THE FLOOR.

BLONDE

You just wait there. I'll see if I can rustle up someone to help.

SHE STEPS OVER HIM

BLONDE

Won't be a jiff.

THE BLONDE GOES INTO THE BEDROOM. NORMAN SUCCEEDS IN STANDING, STILL HOPELESSLY WRAPPED IN THE CURTAIN. HE STAGGERS ABOUT.

BLONDE (PICKING UP THE PHONE IN THE BEDROOM)

The fittings in these old motels are really just too shoddy.

NORMAN INADVERTENTLY GRABS HOLD OF THE DRAW CORD SWITCH FOR THE BATHROOM HEATER, AND TUGS ON IT. THE HEATER COMES AWAY, LANDING ON THE WET FLOOR. STILL WRAPPED IN THE CURTAIN NORMAN SHAKES VIOLENTLY AS HE IS ELECTROCUTED.

NORMAN

Oooh! Mr. Grimsdale!

BLONDE

One of these days someone is going to have a nasty accident.

NORMAN FALLS CRACKING HIS HEAD ON THE EDGE OF THE SHOWER TRAY. PSYCHO THEME KICKS IN TO THE SIGHT OF BLOOD RUNNING DOWN THE PLUGHOLE.

Pitkin and Norman yes I like it. (And if filmed in black and white too). But as this is 2008 there's one man and one man only in the entire world, who could do justice to an impersonation of the Norman Wisdom character.

The one and only - Lee Evans.

Yes, I like the idea of filming in B&W! And Lee would indeed be perfect.

Share this page