INT. TV STUDIO
PRESENTER
Good afternoon, and welcome to 'Arts About'. the subject of today's programme is nepotism in the media. Here in the studio, to discuss this issue with me, is my mummy.
MUMMY NODS TO CAMERA.
PRESENTER
Mumsy, you feel that there is no justification to all these complaints regarding media nepotism?
MUMMY
Absolutely none whatsoever, dear. Why as I was saying to Auntie Gloria only the other day on her chat show, having famous parents is such a cross for our children to bear! And do you know what she told me? Her Tabitha had had to apply for, ooh, literally dozens of jobs! And she has GCSEs and everything!!
PRESENTER (GIGGLING)
And Auntie spent all that money on having her teeth fixed.
MUMMY
And her nose, dear. It was simply enormous! (REMEMBERING WHERE SHE IS) Of course she is doing very well now, presenting that little show in the afternoon, about the bargains to be had from buying compulsorily repossessed property. But the point I am making is that having a famous parent made it that much more difficult for her to get on.
PRESENTER
Yes, if she hadn't slept with that producer...
MUMMY
...at Uncle Michael's party...
PRESENTER
...she would probably still be working as Gaby Roslin's nanny.
THEY BOTH GIGGLE HELPLESSLY
MUMMY (COLLECTING HERSELF)
No, I am afraid ordinary people simply have no idea how much discrimination the children of rich, successful parents have to contend with. Prejudice even.
PRESENTER
I've noticed that myself.
MUMMY
Yes, what was it they called you at Winchester, dear?
PRESENTER (UNCOMFORTABLE)
Er.. toilet breath?
MUMMY
No, the other one.
PRESENTER (STRUGGLING TO THINK)
Personality by-pass?
MUMMY
Yes, that as well, but no I was thinking of the other one.
PRESENTER (CHEERFULLY)
Oh! Shit-for-brains!
MUMMY
That's the one! (PROUDLY) And look at you now!
PRESENTER
Mumsy, thank you for coming onto the show, and for helping to put to bed the myth of nepotism in the media. (FROM AUTOCUE) Next week on "Arts About" we will be discussing the alarming spread of Catholicism in the Vatican. Until then.
PRESENTER LOOKS PUZZLED AS IF THERE IS SOMETHING NOT QUITE RIGHT ABOUT WHAT HE HAS JUST READ BUT HE CAN'T WORK OUT WHAT.
STUDIO LIGHTS COME DOWN. MUMMY LEANS ACROSS.
MUMMY
Dear, Daddy was asking if it would be all right if he came on next week to plug his book.
FADE.