Damned quiet

EXT. A VERANDAH, SOMEWHERE IN THE BRITISH EMPIRE. A SENIOR OFFICER IS LEANING AGAINST THE RAIL, CRADLING A BRANDY. A SUBALTERN STANDS DUTIFULLY BEHIND HIM.

SIR

It's damned quiet. Too quiet, I don't like it, Wilson.

SUBALTERN (CHEERFULLY)

Oh, I don't know, sir, I always think the jungle is rather romantic at night: the breeze rustling the acacias, the chirr of the...

SIR (POINTEDLY)

Damnably quiet.

SUBALTERN

And listen, sir, there is the peewit of the bush nightingale (IMITATES SOUND): peewit, peewit, peewit!

SIR (FIXING THE SUBALTERN WITH A STARE)

Too damned quiet.

THE SUBALTERN SHUTS UP. BRIEFLY.

SUBALTERN

Those frogs make a noise don't they? (IMITATES SOUNDS, MORE LOUDLY THIS TIME) Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit, ribbit!

SIR

Wilson.

SUBALTERN

Yes, sir?

SIR (POINTEDLY)

Damned quiet, don't' ye think?

SUBALTERN (TAKING THE HINT)

What? Oh yes, sir.

A BRIEF SILENCE.

SUBALTERN

There, sir! The soulful screech of the three-toed rufous jungle owl (IMITATES SOUND, VERY LOUD AND PIERCING): KEEAAWW, KEEAAWW, KEEAAWW, KEEAAWW, KEEAAW...

THE SUBALTERN IS STRUCK IN THE CHEST WITH AN ASSAGI AND FALLS, DEAD.

SIR SETTLES AGAINST THE RAIL AND TAKES A SWIG OF HIS BRANDY.

SIR

Damned quiet.

No offence...

But I really liked it.

very Palinesque. Which is a good thing in my book.

Quote: Marc P @ May 30 2008, 1:11 PM BST

No offence...

But I really liked it.

very Palinesque. Which is a good thing in my book.

View original

I confess, when I wrote it I had Michael Palin mentally cast as the subaltern. And Robin Bailey as Sir.

Quote: Marc P @ May 30 2008, 1:11 PM BST

very Palinesque.

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Really? I visualised Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, or Fry and Laurie.

Lovely tight sketch, with perfectly judged crescendo of irritancy by the subaltern.

Quote: Graham Bandage @ May 30 2008, 1:17 PM BST

Really? I visualised Peter Cook and Dudley Moore, or Fry and Laurie.

Lovely tight sketch, with perfectly judged crescendo of irritancy by the subaltern.

View original

Thanks, and I see what you mean about the the casting. Not sure if there is any contemporary double act it would work as well for.

Please don't get And and Dec

I could see Tony and Gordon mind.

Yeah nicely done again Timbo. Well written good pace and nice understated ending.

Agree with the Palinesque feel as as has been mentioned.

With my pedant's hat on however there is a place where Sir speaks Pontedly.

Hope pointing this out doesn't put me in line for the Assagi

On a serious note I could see Mitchell and Webb doing it - or Armstrong and Miller.

Don't know if either are looking for stuff.

Quote: Blenkinsop @ May 30 2008, 1:49 PM BST

Yeah nicely done again Timbo. Well written good pace and nice understated ending.

Agree with the Palinesque feel as as has been mentioned.

With my pedant's hat on however there is a place where Sir speaks Pontedly.

Hope pointing this out doesn't put me in line for the Assagi

View original

Thanks, and corrected.

Quote: Marc P @ May 30 2008, 1:52 PM BST

On a serious note I could see Mitchell and Webb doing it - or Armstrong and Miller.

Don't know if either are looking for stuff.

View original

Think both Mitchell and Armstrong would be good as Sir.

Again, very good. Where have you been hiding, Timbo?

As soon as I heard the subaltern was called Wilson the officer became Mainwaring in my mind and I read the sketch with those two in the roles. Not that that helps for casting purposes of course but it just reminded me of them.